Subtitle Scripts

Lois Griffin[Singing] "It seems today that all you see
Lois Griffin"is violence in movies and sex on TV
Peter Griffin"But where are those good, old-fashioned values
Peter Griffin"on which we used to rely?
All"Lucky there's a family guy
All"Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you
All"all the things that make us
Stewie Griffin"laugh 'n' cry
All"He's a family guy"
Lois GriffinWe need to talk.
Peter GriffinNot now. The show's about to start.
AnnouncerANNOUNCER: Bryant Gumbel, Greg Gumbel brothers, bike cops.
AnnouncerGumbel 2 Gumbel, Beach Justice.
[Rock music playing]
Bryant GumbelYou talk to Matt Lauer lately?
Greg GumbelPlayed 18 holes with him on Saturday.
Greg GumbelTold him he was soft in the Arafat interview.
Bryant GumbelOh, I like Matt.
Greg GumbelMe, too.
[Woman screams]
WomanMy purse!
Bryant GumbelCome on, Greg. Let's roll.
[Dramatic instrumental music]
[People screaming]
[People screaming]
Greg GumbelTaste that? That's the taste of beach justice.
Peter GriffinPETER: Are you crazy?
Chris GriffinYeah, me and Dad haven't missed a Gumbel 2 Gumbel yet.
Lois GriffinYou're gonna miss this one, young man.
Lois GriffinHis report card came today.
Lois GriffinNo more TV until your grades improve.
Lois GriffinNow get upstairs and study.
Peter GriffinDon't worry. I'll talk to her.
Peter GriffinAfter I get a little bit of courage from my old friend, Mr. Jack Daniels.
Peter GriffinMrs. Daniels?
Peter GriffinIs Jack in?
Peter GriffinWhat?
Peter GriffinOh, my God! When?
Peter GriffinOh, I am so sorry.
Peter GriffinPoor old Jack.
Peter GriffinHe was a wise man, but he just loved playing with that wheat thresher.
Peter GriffinAlways playing with that wheat thresher!
Lois GriffinHoney, hold still and let me bathe you. You're filthy.
Stewie GriffinI'm filthy?
Stewie GriffinYou're the filthy one. What do you say to that?
Stewie GriffinHow dare you!
Lois Griffin[Sighs]
Peter GriffinHey, Stewie, I see your bum.
Stewie GriffinTake a good look, fat man.
Stewie GriffinAnd take pictures so I'll have something to bring to court, you filthy pervert.
Peter GriffinHey, Lois, give Chris a break. I mean, no TV?
Peter GriffinHe failed a class, it's not like he felt up his cousin in the garage that Thanksgiving when I was 19.
Lois GriffinI want you to help Chris.
Lois GriffinKids do better when parents take an interest in their schoolwork.
Lois GriffinI saw that on a two-part report on Dateline Tuesday and Dateline Gatilsday.
Peter GriffinWhat the hell is Gatilsday?
Lois GriffinNBC invented a new day so they could add another Dateline.
Peter GriffinBut the Gumbel show is sacred to us.
Peter GriffinBryant and Greg have the kind of father-son relationship I want me and Chris to have someday.
Lois GriffinPeter, Bryant and Greg Gumbel are brothers.
Peter GriffinNice. Just because they're black, we can't learn anything from them?
Lois GriffinIf Chris gets his homework done, you can watch it together next week.
Lois GriffinNow come on. Help me get the house ready for my mother.
Lois GriffinShe's coming to visit for exactly one week.
Lois GriffinBye, Mom.
Peter GriffinSheesh. What a week that was.
Peter GriffinOkay, come on, let's watch the Gumbels.
Lois GriffinPeter, I thought we agreed, no TV until his homework is done.
Chris GriffinMom, I'll do it after...
Peter GriffinChris finished his homework.
Peter GriffinIn fact, I've been helping him study every night this week.
Lois GriffinReally?
Lois GriffinWell, that's great. Enjoy your show, boys.
Peter GriffinYou bet we will.
Peter GriffinTonight, Katie Couric guest stars as a very perky crack whore.
Chris GriffinDad, when you said, "Chris finished his homework," were you talking about me?
Chris GriffinBecause if you were, I think you just lied to mom.
Peter GriffinChris, everything I say is a lie, except that and that.
Peter GriffinAnd that. And that. And that. And that.
Peter GriffinAnd that.
Tom TuckerThis is an Action News 5 News Break.
Tom TuckerI'm Tom Tucker.
Diane SimmonsAnd I'm Diane Simmons.
Diane SimmonsTom has dared me to do the news topless.
Diane SimmonsI've got the goods, but have I got the guts? Find out at 11:00.
Diane SimmonsIf you're waiting for Gumbel 2 Gumbel, you're out of luck.
Diane SimmonsThat show has been canceled.
Tom TuckerThe full story, and maybe Diane's boobs, tonight at 11:00.
Peter GriffinI can't believe this!
Chris GriffinI feel sick.
Peter GriffinOnly one thing to do.
Peter GriffinWe gotta save Gumbel 2 Gumbel, and were gonna do it Griffin 2 Griffin.
Peter GriffinLet's roll!
Chris GriffinI'm with ya, Dad.
Chris GriffinWhat do we do, write a letter?
Peter GriffinI tried that once. It got me in a lot of trouble.
Peter Griffin"If you don't put Coach back on the air, I'll be really upset.
Peter Griffin"The skillful acting of Craig T. Nelson will be missed a lot.
Peter Griffin"Signed, Peter Griffin."
Lois GriffinCome help me with the groceries.
Peter GriffinOkay, honey.
[Ominous instrumental music]
[Doorbell rings]
Peter GriffinCraig T. Nelson!
Craig T. NelsonAre you Peter Griffin?
Peter GriffinYeah.
Craig T. NelsonMake it quick.
[Cheery instrumental music]
Peter GriffinOkay, we're gonna get our show back on the air and were not gonna be intimidated by any slick executive types.
Peter GriffinLook at Mr. Suave.
ReceptionistWait. You can't go in there.
Peter GriffinJust watch me!
ReceptionistI mean, you can't go in there, because that door leads nowhere.
ReceptionistUse the door next to it.
Peter GriffinAll right, Callaghan, me and my son want you to uncancel Gumbel 2 Gumbel.
Mr. CallaghanWe only air the show. We have nothing to do with it being canceled.
Mr. CallaghanI have all the episodes on tape if you want to borrow them.
Peter GriffinOkay, you want to play rough?
Peter GriffinUntil you bring the Gumbels back, I am going on a hunger strike.
Peter GriffinHow about that, Callaghan?
Peter GriffinCan you live with that on your conscience?
Peter GriffinYou gonna eat that stapler?
Mr. CallaghanYou can't eat a stapler...
Peter GriffinWanna split it?
Peter GriffinSorry. Me and my damn appetite!
Peter GriffinIt's not the first time it brought me trouble.
[Chip crunches]
[Exciting music plays on TV]
Tom TuckerAnd in gridiron news, little Johnny Gobraun a terminally ill 8-year-old who dreamed of playing quarterback for New England got his wish today thanks to the Grant-a-Dream foundation.
AnnouncerANNOUNCER 2: Gobraun takes the snap and fades back to pass.
AnnouncerHere comes the rush. Oh, he's sacked!
[Playful instrumental music]
Announcers[Laughing]
Announcer 2Looks like little Johnny should've wished for some blocking.
Peter GriffinChris, I just thought of a way to get the Gumbels back on the air.
Chris GriffinAll right, Dad!
Peter GriffinPETER: All we gotta do is tell a little white lie. Just go with it.
Peter GriffinIs this the Grant-a-Dream foundation?
Peter GriffinMy son Chris is dying!
Chris GriffinHoly crap, no! Oh, my God!
Peter GriffinThat was the lie.
Chris GriffinOh, you sly boots.
[Cheery instrumental music]
Chris GriffinAre you sure this will work?
Peter GriffinChris, this is just another one of your crazy schemes.
Chris GriffinThis whole thing was your idea!
Peter GriffinYou'll find out.
Chris GriffinDad, you're not making any sense!
Peter GriffinYou just leave that to me.
HarrisHARRIS: Ah, yes. Here we go.
HarrisChris Griffin.
HarrisYour dying wish is denied.
HarrisThank you.
Peter GriffinWait a minute. My son only has a short time to live.
Peter GriffinAll he wants is his favorite show back on TV. How can you say no?
HarrisMr. Griffin, everyone thinks their dying child is special.
HarrisBut these days, people who donate money to our foundation demand a little more bang for their buck.
HarrisWe need sick kids we can package.
HarrisLike that one we put on Hollywood Squares.
ManI'll take the dying boy to block.
HostJeremy, is there anything lower than absolute zero?
JeremyYeah. My white-cell count.
[Audience laughing]
Peter GriffinI'm telling you, Chris is dying ten times worse than those other kids.
Peter GriffinHe's got a very rare disease called tumor-syphilis-itis-osis.
HarrisSounds sexy. What are the symptoms?
Peter GriffinWhat are the symptoms? Take a look!
Peter GriffinHe's growing nipples all over his body!
HarrisThey look like pepperonis.
Peter GriffinWho do you think you are?
Peter GriffinMy son happens to be very sensitive about his extra nipples.
Peter GriffinSee, look. They're coming right off.
Peter GriffinNipples shouldn't just come off like that.
HarrisWhy, that's the sickest boy I've ever seen!
HarrisGet me the president of television!
[Spectacular instrumental music]
Man 1How about this?
Man 1A single white girl in the city working at a magazine!
Man 2MAN 1: Yeah, that's good. MAN
Man 32: Yeah.
Man 4Do you guys hear yourselves?
Man 4This is the same old crap over and over again.
Man 4We need to take a chance. Try something different. Something fresh.
ReceptionistExcuse me.
ExecutiveNo calls!
ReceptionistIt's about a dying boy.
ExecutiveHello? What's he got?
ExecutiveSounds sexy.
ExecutiveGet me exclusive rights to his death and you got a deal.
HarrisCongratulations, Gumbel 2 Gumbel is back on the air!
Chris GriffinAll right, Dad!
HarrisI'm sorry we had to meet under these circumstances.
Peter GriffinAre you kidding? I may see you again.
Peter GriffinI've two more kids, and I've always wanted to see new episodes of Star Trek.
[Cheery instrumental music]
Lois GriffinStewie, it's bath time. You're filthy again.
Stewie GriffinI'll show you filthy!
Stewie GriffinYes, look at me! I'm a dirty, foul little boy!
Stewie GriffinI'm a nasty, squalid little hobo!
Stewie GriffinI say, Mother, you have your work cut out for you now, don't you?
Lois GriffinOkay, if you want to be dirty, be dirty.
Stewie GriffinWhere do you think you're going? I've defiled myself.
Stewie GriffinI need to be cleaned!
Peter GriffinThere you go, kiddo. All clean.
Stewie GriffinBlast! I'm frozen! I'm hypothermic!
Stewie GriffinBloody hell, I'm a woman!
Mr. McCloudTake out your pencils and start your test.
Chris GriffinMr. McCloud, I didn't study for the test, but I got a good reason.
Chris GriffinI'm dying.
Mr. McCloudThat's the lamest excuse I've heard since Steinberg's Jewish High Holiday crap.
Mr. McCloudTake that hat off in my classroom!
Chris GriffinBut Mr. McCloud, I'm really dying.
Chris GriffinI have a certificate to prove it.
Mr. McCloudMy God! Tumor-syphilis-itis-osis! And he still comes into school!
Mr. McCloudYou're excused from the test, you brave, brave boy.
Mr. McCloudYou can learn something from this fine young...
Mr. McCloudDamn it, Steinberg! Take that hat off!
Meg GriffinMEG: Dad, Marcy Gibbons just called!
Meg Griffin[Crying] She heard that Chris is dying!
Peter Griffin[Laughing]
Peter GriffinYour brother's okay.
Peter GriffinThat was just a little white lie we came up with to save a TV show.
Meg GriffinSo he's not going to die?
Peter GriffinNo.
Peter Griffin[Laughing]
Peter GriffinBoy, your face was priceless when you thought he was.
Peter Griffin[Pretending to cry]
Brian GriffinYou're a monster.
Peter GriffinChris was in on the whole thing.
Peter GriffinAnyway, it's over and done with.
[Guitar playing folk music]
Peter GriffinWhat the hell is that?
SingersSINGERS: "Oh, dyin' boy of Quahog
Singers"Chris Griffin, you're so brave
Singers"There's a smile on your face and a bounce in your step
Singers"as they dig your grave
Singers"as they dig your grave"
Lois GriffinDo I hear singing?
Peter GriffinPETER: No! No singing.
Peter GriffinJust us watching another hilarious episode of Good Times.
Peter GriffinThe sitcom that's funnier when you play it really loud.
?Maxine is the lady who's feeling all right thanks to the magic of Kid Dynomite!
[Audience laughing on TV]
?Junior, where you been?
?Dinner was three hours ago!
?Oh, forget him, James.
?He's an idiot!
?Mama, what's wrong with you?
?What's wrong with me?
?My name is Florida!
?Florida! That's the name of a state!
?Why is my name Florida?
?[Crying] Oh, Lord!
?Dynomite!
Lois GriffinThat is singing.
Lois GriffinPeter, there's a candlelight vigil on our front lawn.
Peter GriffinLois, that's ridiculous. There's nobody out there.
Peter GriffinYou must be seeing things.
Lois GriffinPeter, why are these people here?
Chris GriffinCHRIS: [Singing] "As they dig my grave, as they dig my grave"
Chris GriffinHey, Dad, they're singing a song about me!
Chris GriffinHi, Mom.
[Doorbell rings]
HarrisHello, Mr. Griffin.
HarrisWe just came by to see if your son's taken a media-friendly turn for the worse.
Peter GriffinNo. Everything's fine. Thanks for checking. Bye-bye.
HarrisMr. Griffin, the foundation held up its end of the bargain and got that crappy Gumbel show back on the air!
HarrisYou owe us a body!
Lois GriffinWhat?
Peter GriffinExcuse me for a minute.
Lois GriffinYou pretended Chris was dying to save a TV show?
Lois GriffinYou're a monster!
Brian GriffinThank you.
Lois GriffinYou tell that man the truth!
Peter GriffinJust out of curiosity...
HarrisShoot.
Peter GriffinWhat happens if he's not really dying?
HarrisYou go to jail for defrauding a charitable organization.
Peter GriffinThat's interesting.
Peter GriffinWill you excuse us?
Peter GriffinYou're right! There's only one way out of this!
Peter GriffinChris is all better! I cured him!
HarrisYou cured him?
Peter GriffinThat's right. I have divine powers!
Peter GriffinOkay. Safe drive.
Peter GriffinWhat do you have to say to that?
Peter GriffinI'm not going to jail, Chris doesn't have to die and best of all, Gumbel 2 Gumbel is back on the air.
Lois GriffinYou're a great role model.
Lois GriffinWhat kind of man devalues the life of his child for a TV show?
Peter GriffinAnyone who wouldn't pretend their own son is dying to get the Gumbels back on TV is a racist.
Peter GriffinThere, I said it.
[Cheery instrumental music]
WomanWOMAN 1: It's him! It's Peter Griffin! The miracle healer of Quahog!
WomanHeal me, O great one!
Lois GriffinYou see what your lies have done? They think you're some kind of healer.
Peter GriffinI'll handle it.
Peter GriffinI read a book about this sort of thing once.
Brian GriffinAre you sure it was a book?
Brian GriffinAre you sure it wasn't nothing?
Peter GriffinOh, yeah.
Lois GriffinThese poor, deluded people think you have divine powers.
ManPraise Peter!
ManWe are your servants.
Man 2It's a miracle!
Man 2What would you have us do, O great healer of Quahog?
Peter GriffinThere's really no need to do anything. Paint my house.
Lois GriffinIt's bad enough to lie to your family but how can you let these people think you're a healer?
Lois GriffinThis is pure exploitation.
Peter GriffinNo, it's not.
Peter GriffinThose films my cousin Rufus used to do were pure exploitation.
AnnouncerANNOUNCER: From the cats who brought you Caddyblack, Blackdraft and Black Kramer v. Kramer, comes a funky flick so bad you gonna say, "Damn, that's funky."
[Funk music playing]
Rufus GriffinOh, you out of time, baby.
Rufus GriffinDamn!
AnnouncerANNOUNCER: Rufus Griffin stars in Black to the Future.
Rufus GriffinWe're talking Marty McSuperfly, dig?
WomanMarty, I want to be your fine, sweet-ass bitch.
ManDamn! Brother done kissed his mama!
[Playing funk music]
AnnouncerANNOUNCER: Oh, yeah.
ManGet me Isaac Hayes.
ManIsaac, you know that new sound you been looking for?
ManWell, listen to this!
Peter GriffinCome on, Lois. Stop being such a stick in the mud.
Peter GriffinI'm giving these saps hope.
Peter GriffinAnd I'm getting the house painted for free.
Peter GriffinIt's win-freakin'-win, baby.
[Cheery instrumental music]
Peter GriffinHey, flathead, chop-chop.
Man[Exclaiming]
Man 2[Sighing]
Peter GriffinHey, great job on the lawn.
Peter GriffinNow do it again, and this time leave it a little longer.
Chris GriffinCHRIS: Hey, Dad. Hurry up. You're missing Gumbel 2 Gumbel.
Chris GriffinThey caught the guy, and now they're interviewing him.
Bryant GumbelPurse snatching, society's fault, or one man's cry for help?
RobberWhat are you talking about? I wanted her freakin' money.
Bryant Gumbel[Bryant grunting]
RobberWhat the hell's wrong with him?
Bryant Gumbel[Bryant grunting]
Peter GriffinSome other time, Chris. Now, where's my shoes?
[Sighing]
Lois GriffinThese people are worshipping you.
Lois GriffinDon't you think there's someone who might resent that?
Lois GriffinA being who's all-knowing and all-powerful?
Peter GriffinSomeone's got a pretty high opinion of herself.
Lois GriffinNot me, Peter. God. The real God.
Peter GriffinWhat's the big deal?
Peter GriffinSo I told a little fib, and now people think I'm God.
Peter GriffinWhen did God ever say He didn't want someone else being worshipped like Him?
Lois GriffinIt's one of the Ten Commandments.
Peter GriffinCome on. Those were written, like, 200 years ago. Times have changed!
Lois Griffin[Lois screams]
Peter GriffinPETER: Okay, let's stay calm.
Peter GriffinLois, if you're scared, I'll hold you until the lights are on again.
Chris GriffinCHRIS: Dad, it's me.
Peter GriffinPETER: Go to your room.
Lois GriffinThat's the last of them.
Lois GriffinI still don't know how every light bulb could go out at the same time.
Lois GriffinOh, my God.
Peter GriffinYes?
Lois GriffinThat's not funny.
Lois GriffinThose fanatics are building a golden idol of you on our lawn.
Peter GriffinI look like a freakin' Emmy.
Peter GriffinHint-hint.
Brian GriffinDamn it to hell!
Brian GriffinThis is embarrassing. I seem to have fleas.
Brian GriffinThat's never happened before.
Chris GriffinCHRIS: Morning.
Peter GriffinPETER: Chris, puberty hit you like a ton of bricks.
Chris GriffinWhat do you mean?
Lois GriffinDon't you see what's happening?
Peter GriffinOf course I do, Lois.
Peter GriffinOur fresh-faced little boy is becoming a pock-marked hideously disfigured man. Sunrise. Sunset.
Lois GriffinNo. The light bulbs last night, my fleas, Chris' pimples.
Lois GriffinThey're just like darkness, gadflies, and boils.
Lois GriffinThree of the plagues God visited upon Egypt in the Old Testament.
Peter GriffinCome on, there's a logical explanation for all those things.
Peter GriffinThere was a power surge, you don't bathe and Chris has had acne problems since the fourth grade.
Peter GriffinThe kids were all calling him Crisco and Pizza Face and Rootin'-Tootin' Raspberry. Remember, Chris?
Chris GriffinNow I do.
Chris Griffin[Crying]
Meg Griffin[Meg screams]
Lois GriffinMeg, what's wrong?
Meg GriffinI was giving Stewie a bath, and...
Peter GriffinTrust me, Meg, at his age, it's strictly involuntary.
Meg GriffinNo! The water, it turned all red and goopy, like blood!
Lois GriffinBlood?
Stewie GriffinHow positively delightful. It's as if someone stabbed Mr. Bubble!
Lois GriffinMy baby!
Lois GriffinGet out there and tell those people the truth.
Lois GriffinMake them stop worshipping you before it starts hailing in my house!
Peter GriffinThere's gotta be an explanation for all this!
Brian GriffinYou want an explanation? God is pissed!
Lois GriffinLet's get out of here!
[Eerie instrumental music]
[Sinister instrumental music]
Peter GriffinStop it! Stop worshipping me!
Peter GriffinI'm just a big fake like the moon landing and Marky Mark's hog in Boogie Nights and Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman!
Peter GriffinI don't mean that completely untrue gay rumor.
Peter GriffinThey're just both really phony, just like me.
Peter GriffinI'm sorry, okay? Now make it stop.
[AII screaming]
Brian GriffinThis is the final plague!
Peter GriffinGood, it's starting to get really old.
Brian GriffinThe final plague is the death of the first-born son.
Peter GriffinNo! Stewie!
Brian GriffinThe first-born son.
Peter GriffinMeg.
Brian GriffinYour wife.
Peter GriffinChris!
Peter GriffinOh, my God. Are you okay?
Chris GriffinHey, Dad, I can see a white light at the end of a long tunnel.
Peter GriffinOh, that's great, son. Light is good. Run towards the light.
Lois GriffinNo! Run away from the light!
Chris GriffinHey, Dad, do you think they got Gumbel 2 Gumbel in heaven?
Peter GriffinYes, son, and there's no reruns or commercials and Kirstie Alley is still hot and all those scrambled channels come in clear as a bell.
Peter GriffinPlease don't take him, God. I'm sorry.
ManWe think the Griffin guy gets it.
GodGood, good. Peggy, turn off the plagues, please.
PeggyPEGGY: Yes, sir, Mr. Patterson.
GodShe's new.
[Awe-inspiring instrumental music]
Peter GriffinI think the plagues went away.
Chris GriffinSo did the white light.
Lois GriffinOh, honey!
Peter GriffinThank God! I mean, thank me!
Peter GriffinKidding! It was a joke!
[Frog croaking]
[Theme music]

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