Subtitle Scripts

Lois Griffin[Singing] "It seems today that all you see
Lois Griffin"is violence in movies and sex on TV
Peter Griffin"But where are those good, old-fashioned values
Peter Griffin"on which we used to rely?
All"Lucky there's a family guy
All"Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you
All"all the things that make us
Stewie Griffin"laugh 'n' cry
All"He's a family guy"
[Crickets chirping]
Morley SaferI'm Morley Safer.
Mike WallaceI'm Mike Wallace.
Ed BradleyI'm Ed Bradley.
Lesley StahlI'm Lesley Stahl.
Lesley StahlAnd one of you is hung like an elf.
Lois Griffin[Laughing]
Lois GriffinI feel so naughty.
Peter GriffinPETER: Lois, what are you doing?
Peter GriffinNeither of us is drunk.
Lois Griffin[Giggling]
Peter GriffinPETER: Knock it off!
Lois GriffinOh, my God! I found a lump! A breast lump!
Lois GriffinThe important thing is to stay calm. It's probably nothing, honey.
Peter GriffinThat's easy for you to say. You get to keep both your cans.
Lois GriffinPeter, don't talk like that! You'll see a doctor tomorrow and...
Peter GriffinNo. I'm not gonna see a doctor, Lois.
Peter GriffinThe healthiest thing we can do is just ignore this and pretend it doesn't exist.
Peter GriffinJust like we do with the squid.
Lois GriffinEarthquake.
Peter GriffinPETER: Truck going by.
Peter GriffinPETER: I'm gonna be fine. Nothing to worry about.
[Cat hisses]
[Vulture screeches]
Black ManMAN: Morning.
Peter GriffinGive it to me straight, Doc. How long do I have?
Mr. HartmanMr. Griffin, I'd say you have about a month to live.
Mr. HartmanBut what the hell do I know? I've been sued by every patient I ever had.
Mr. HartmanLook at the size of this file.
Mr. HartmanThis is... Wow.
Mr. HartmanLet's just wait for the test results.
Lois GriffinFinish up, honey. Then I'll put you down for a nice nap.
Stewie GriffinNo! I shall put you down for a nap, Mother!
Stewie GriffinBlast!
Lois GriffinI'm so worried about your father.
Chris GriffinYou mean because he's a borderline alcoholic?
Lois GriffinNo. Mommy's made peace with that.
Chris GriffinBecause he's got a lump on his booby.
Lois GriffinChris, that's a terrible word, "booby."
Meg GriffinMom, Debbie Miller's dad had a lump on his breast, and he turned out okay.
Lois GriffinReally? Who's Debbie Miller?
Meg GriffinA girl I just made up.
Peter GriffinLook. Here they are. My family.
Peter GriffinGuys, I don't say this often enough, but I'm gonna die.
Lois GriffinOh, my God.
Stewie GriffinSTEWIE: High five! Anyone?
Stewie GriffinAnyone?
Chris GriffinYou can't die! Who's gonna take me to the Father-Son dance?
Lois GriffinListen, I've had a good life.
Lois GriffinYou can always be proud of your father and all of his accomplishments.
Meg GriffinMEG: Accomplishments?
Peter GriffinPETER: Go to your room.
Lois GriffinPeter, there's no way you could die.
Peter GriffinYou're the most important character in this family.
[Somber music playing]
Peter GriffinI'll take this one. But I won't pay a cent over $60.
SalesmanSir, that casket costs $1,000.
Peter GriffinPETER: Okay, $70.
SalesmanSALESMAN: What?
Peter GriffinPETER: $2,000.
SalesmanSALESMAN: That's twice the cost!
Peter GriffinPETER: $40.
SalesmanSALESMAN: What?
Brian GriffinHe doesn't know how to haggle.
Lois GriffinPeter, what's going on?
Peter GriffinI'm selling all my worldly goods, so you'll have some cash when I'm dead.
Peter GriffinYeah, a lot of memories here. Look, my first bike.
Peter GriffinBoy, I had so much fun playing with that.
Peter GriffinMore tea, Mr. Bike?
Lois GriffinPeter, this is ridiculous. You're going to be fine.
Meg GriffinDad, the doctor called. Your test results are in.
Mr. HartmanThis doesn't look very good. No, this doesn't look very good at all.
Mr. HartmanMy nephew drew my portrait. It doesn't look a thing like me.
Mr. HartmanLook at the nose. It's all...
Lois GriffinWill you just tell us about Peter's tests?
Mr. HartmanOkay. Mr. Griffin, all your tests came back negative.
Mr. HartmanAs it turns out, the lump on your chest was just a fatty corpuscle.
Peter GriffinFatty corpuscle? Wait a minute. How the hell can a dead comedian from the silent movie era be lodged in my left bosom?
Mr. HartmanMr. Griffin, I'm saying you're fine.
Peter GriffinI'm fine? What? Are you coming on to me now?
Lois GriffinPeter, he's not coming on to you. He's trying to tell you that you're healthy.
Mr. HartmanCan't it be both?
[Kissing]
Lois GriffinMy sweetie is okay.
Peter GriffinBetter than okay, Lois. From now on, I'm gonna appreciate all the little things in life, like you and the kids.
Peter GriffinIs this the price of my bill or my phone number?
ClerkYour phone number.
Peter Griffin[Sheepish laughter]
Peter GriffinPETER: It's still pretty pricey!
Lois GriffinPeter, who cares how much it is?
Lois GriffinYou've just got the most important bill of all, a clean bill of health.
Peter GriffinJeez, Lois. How long you been waiting to crack out that gem?
Peter GriffinPETER: This sucks, Brian. Why should I have to pay this?
Peter GriffinThere's nothing wrong with me.
Brian GriffinToo bad you're not dying.
Peter GriffinWait a second. That's it! They can't make a dead guy pay his bill.
Peter GriffinAll I gotta do is write "deceased" right here where it says "name."
Peter GriffinAnd where it says "sex," I'll write, "No, thanks. I'm dead."
Peter GriffinIt's bulletproof.
[Crickets chirping]
Stewie GriffinBut you promised the fat one would perish.
Lois GriffinI know. Isn't it wonderful, honey? Your father is alive and well and we can be a family for a good long...
[Knocking]
Peter GriffinWho are you?
DeathDEATH: I'm Calista Flockhart. Who the hell do you think I am? I'm Death.
DeathDEATH: Which one of you is Peter Griffin?
Peter GriffinPETER: He is.
DeathDEATH: Come on, man. Which one of you is Peter Griffin?
Peter GriffinThis is Peter Griffin.
Death[Laughing]
DeathDEATH: That's a good one.
Death[Continues laughing]
Lois GriffinWhy are you...
DeathDEATH: No, wait. I'm not finished holding my sides.
Death[Continues laughing]
Lois GriffinWhy are...
Death[Continues laughing]
Lois GriffinWhy...
Death[Continues laughing]
Lois GriffinWhy are you here? The doctor said Peter was okay.
DeathDEATH: The doctor! I guess he must know, right?
DeathI mean, he's a doctor and everything, and I'm just Death!
Stewie GriffinSTEWIE: Excuse me. Hello! I'm Stewie. Big fan.
Peter GriffinPETER: Death, you made a mistake. I'm not supposed to be dead.
DeathDEATH: I made a mistake? What's this?
Lois GriffinPeter, is that your handwriting?
Peter Griffin[Nervous laughter]
Peter GriffinHow did you get that?
DeathDEATH: Your HMO emailed it to me.
Peter GriffinI know my doctor was hitting on me, but you don't have to call him names.
Lois GriffinI don't care what that says! You can't take my husband!
Stewie GriffinMother! Where are your manners? Don't argue with our guest!
Stewie GriffinSTEWIE: Won't you join us for dinner?
DeathDEATH: Oh, no. I don't want to impose.
DeathDEATH: Is that turkey?
Lois GriffinYes, Death.
Lois GriffinWe were in the middle of a turkey dinner to celebrate Peter's good health.
DeathDEATH: Do you mind?
Stewie GriffinSTEWIE: Mind? Of course not. It would be an honor.
Stewie GriffinNo, it would be a privilege. Oh, dear. Listen to me prattling on like a schoolgirl.
Stewie GriffinCome, come. You, heat up some gravy for our guest!
Stewie GriffinMy last helping of white meat was drier than Oscar Wilde.
Meg GriffinHow did you do that?
DeathDEATH: Let's just say, when I was younger I did some films I'm not particularly proud of.
DeathDEATH: That does it for me.
Lois GriffinWait! You can't go.
Lois GriffinAfter dinner, we usually go into the living room and live for another 40 or 50 years.
DeathDEATH: [Laughing] 40 or... Let's go.
Peter GriffinI guess this is good-bye. Meg, you're the man of the family now.
Peter GriffinBe strong.
Meg GriffinDaddy.
Peter GriffinStewie, I guess I'm not gonna be here to see you become a man.
Stewie GriffinYes. I think we all know what that's going to be like.
Stewie GriffinA 20-minute call to Larchmont? Who do we know in Larchmont?
Stewie's WifeSTEWIE'S WIFE: My sister-in-law.
Stewie GriffinYes, right. Right. Carol. Yes. That's right. How is Carol?
Peter GriffinBrian.
Brian GriffinOh, God.
Meg GriffinDaddy, can I come with you?
Peter GriffinAsk your mother.
Lois GriffinNo, you can't go with him!
Brian GriffinOh, Peter.
Peter GriffinLois.
All[Crying]
DeathDEATH: Okay, that's good. Come on now.
Peter GriffinPETER: Hey, Death, you got a file on me?
DeathDEATH: Yeah, it's in the car, I think.
Peter GriffinDoes it mention that I ran two weeks of Junior Varsity track?
DeathDEATH: Let's not do this. I caught Flo Jo. You don't think I can catch you?
Death[Screaming]
DeathDEATH: My ankle!
DeathDEATH: Yeah, listen, don't help or anything. I'm totally fine.
DeathDamn Irish.
DeathDEATH: Yeah. That felt good, dropping me on the couch like that.
Lois GriffinHere's some Tylenol.
DeathDEATH: Great. Tylenol. I asked for Advil.
DeathBut, you know, whatever. That's good.
Meg GriffinI got a B-plus in Health. Is there anything I can do?
DeathDEATH: Why don't you boil some water and rip up some sheets there, Einstein.
DeathIt's a sprained ankle.
DeathDEATH: I have to stay off it for a while.
Peter GriffinPETER: Not here.
DeathDEATH: Why?
Peter GriffinPETER: You tried to kill me!
Peter GriffinBesides, how are we supposed to explain you to Mr. Roper?
Lois GriffinIt's okay, Death. You just worry about feeling better.
Peter GriffinWhat the hell are you doing?
Lois GriffinPeter, don't you see? As long as he's here, you can't die.
Peter GriffinPETER: Go on.
Lois GriffinThat's it.
Peter GriffinPETER: Wait a minute. So no matter what I do, I won't die?
Peter GriffinMake yourself at home, Death.
Peter GriffinPETER: I'm going out for a while.
DeathDEATH: Wait.
DeathYou can't tell anyone I'm here. For if humanity discovers I'm no longer lurking in the shadows, consequences will be dire.
Peter GriffinPETER: Go on.
DeathDEATH: That's it.
DeathWhat the hell do you see in him?
Lois GriffinPeter, where are you going?
Peter GriffinLois, 10 minutes ago, I was staring Death in the face.
Peter GriffinNow that I've been given another chance I'm gonna do the one thing I've always dreamed of doing.
Peter GriffinI'm gonna jump off this building.
ClevelandCould you repeat that, please, Peter? I believe I had something crazy in my ear.
QuagmireHold the phone.
QuagmireYou took me away from a Swedish girlie-girl and her paralyzed, but trusting, cousin for this?
Peter Griffin$1,000 says I live.
Quagmire$1,000, huh?
QuagmireWhat the hell?
ClevelandOkay.
Peter GriffinLook at that. I beat my loogie.
Quagmire[Grumbling]
Lois GriffinIt's your turn, Death.
DeathDEATH: I know I should find this ironic, but I'm just bored as hell.
DeathHow old is this TV?
DeathYou can probably get the DuMont Network on this thing.
Lois GriffinPeter is a good man and a wonderful father.
DeathDEATH: Here it comes.
Lois GriffinCould you please find it in your heart to spare him?
Lois GriffinAfter all, it isn't really his time.
DeathDEATH: What did you use for this cocoa, crap?
Lois GriffinIf you want me to make it again...
DeathDEATH: Sorry, my fault.
DeathI just assumed you were gonna make it with milk, not crap!
Lois GriffinI'll be right back.
Meg GriffinMEG: I brought you a magazine.
DeathDEATH: Glamour, great.
DeathI can learn how to please my man. Go get me an Entertainment Weekly.
DeathI hear it's got a great picture of me sneaking up on Tom Snyder.
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
Lois Griffin[Screaming]
[Saw buzzing]
Stewie GriffinVictory is mine!
Lois GriffinWow. I should really watch where I'm going.
Stewie GriffinWhat the deuce?
Stewie GriffinOf course!
Stewie GriffinIt seems with Death incapacitated, my matricidal efforts are futile.
Stewie GriffinI must do all I can to accelerate his convalescence.
Stewie Griffin"Knick-knack paddywhack, give a dog a bone"
ClevelandI can't believe you drank 300 bottles of beer without succumbing to alcohol poisoning.
QuagmirePeter, are you a witch?
Peter GriffinYeah. But don't tell anyone. The consequences could be dire!
Peter GriffinYou guys, I bet I can go up to each one of those scary-Iooking bikers and say:
Peter Griffin"Aren't you Richard Simmons?"
QuagmirePeter, no!
ClevelandNow you're being brainless.
Peter GriffinAren't you Richard Simmons?
Peter GriffinAren't you Richard Simmons' best friend, Richard Simmons?
BikerBIKER: Shut up!
Peter Griffin[Laughing]
[Everyone laughing]
DeathDEATH: That feels good.
DeathActually, kid, I kind of fell into this gig. I really wanted to be a wood nymph.
DeathMan, the second Dad found out, he started in with the whole:
Death"I have no son. I have no son," and Mom just stood there.
Stewie GriffinYes. Mothers can be quite the botheration, can't they?
Stewie GriffinThat's why we've got to get you well.
DeathWhat was that?
Stewie GriffinNothing!
Lois GriffinStewie, leave Death alone.
DeathDEATH: He's okay. He reminds me a lot of me at that age.
DeathI hope his teen years go better than mine. Boy, talk about awkward.
DeathDEATH: Oh, Sandy! Sandy!
DeathSandy? Not again.
DeathI'm gonna be a virgin forever.
DeathOr am I?
Lois GriffinCan we please talk about Peter?
Lois GriffinHe has so much to live for, Death. He loves his children and me...
DeathDEATH: Okay. I'll spare his life.
DeathBut you owe me, if you get my drift.
DeathWhat the hell are you doing? I was talking about another fruit cup.
DeathNot bad, though.
Lois GriffinPeter, Death just agreed to let you live.
Peter GriffinOh, man. This really is my night. I get to live, and I'm on TV.
Tom TuckerOur top story tonight, the rules of death no longer apply.
Diane SimmonsThat's right, Tom.
Diane SimmonsOur own Asian reporter, Trisha Takanawa, filed this report, all by herself!
Trishia TakanawaI'm here with Peter Griffin, the man who claims he withstood a barrage of bullets and did not die.
Trishia TakanawaPeter, are you saying that if I shoot you in the head with this Channel 5 pistol, you'll be completely unharmed?
Peter GriffinWhy don't you give it a shot?
Trishia TakanawaOkay, here goes.
Peter Griffin[Screaming]
Trishia TakanawaWhat have I done?
Peter Griffin[Laughing]
Trishia TakanawaYou're awful.
Diane SimmonsFascinating story, Tom.
Tom TuckerIt sure is, Diane.
Tom TuckerAnd since the laws of death no longer apply, I can do this.
Diane SimmonsThat's right, Tom.
Diane SimmonsAnd now it's time for sports.
DeathDEATH: The whole world is laughing at me. This is high school all over again.
DeathWell, I'll show them! I'll show all of them! Oh, my God, that hurts!
Lois GriffinYou're not killing anyone tonight, mister! Not on that ankle.
DeathDEATH: This is all your fault. And there's only one solution.
DeathYou have to go out there and do my job.
DeathYou have to be Death!
[Dramatic instrumental music]
Peter GriffinPETER: Boy, this doesn't leave much to the imagination.
Lois GriffinDeath, there is no way Peter can do your job.
Lois GriffinHe could never kill anyone.
Peter GriffinYeah! I've thought about it, like in church and stuff but I don't think I could ever do what you do.
DeathDEATH: So you're better than me?
DeathI'm tired of always being the bad guy. What I do has to be done.
Brian GriffinHe's right. You've disturbed the natural order.
Brian GriffinPeople need to be able to die.
[Sentimental instrumental music]
Kate WinsletNo!
Leonardo DiCaprioActually, I think I'm gonna be okay.
Kate WinsletOh, Jack.
Kate WinsletNow we can get married and everything you promised.
Leonardo DiCaprioYeah, about that I was pretty sure I was gonna die because there's this girl in New York, and it's getting kind of serious.
Leonardo DiCaprioBut thanks for letting me draw you naked.
Leonardo DiCaprioI still can't believe you let me do that!
Peter GriffinYou're saying the only way to make the world right is for me to kill someone?
Stewie GriffinSTEWIE: You could kill Lois.
DeathDEATH: No. One death isn't gonna do it.
DeathYou have to do something that will get everyone's attention, something huge.
Chris GriffinHow about if you blow up the earth?
DeathDEATH: Too huge. But you're thinking. I like that.
Meg GriffinYou could kill any girls who are prettier than me.
DeathDEATH: That would just leave England. Wait. I have it.
DeathI'm a genius. You'll kill the kids from Dawson's Creek!
Peter GriffinI knew it! As soon as that show came on the air, I said:
Peter Griffin"I'm gonna be the one who has to kill these kids."
Lois GriffinIt's true. He did say it.
DeathDEATH: Hot, young celebrities.
DeathIt's perfect!
DeathThe kids are on their way to LA to renegotiate their contracts.
DeathBut their plane is gonna be making a little stopover in Rhode Island.
DeathDEATH: If you go now, you'll catch them.
Peter GriffinPETER: No way.
Peter GriffinI'm not doing your dirty work. There's no way I'm getting on that plane.
Peter GriffinAbsolutely no way, and that's final.
Peter GriffinSee? I'm still here.
Peter GriffinThere's nothing you can say that'll change my mind.
DeathDEATH: You kill them, or I kill you.
Peter GriffinCrap!
Peter GriffinNice plant.
Peter GriffinNote to self, do not go to the bathroom.
ManMAN: James, your last movie killed at the box office.
ManYour Q-rating's through the roof.
ManIt's time we ditched the WB and concentrate on features.
?I don't know who you are, but just because you're sitting across from me doesn't mean you can give me career advice.
ManWill you sign my ass?
?You have a pen?
Peter GriffinHello, Death? Guess where I'm calling from?
Peter GriffinPETER: A plane!
DeathDEATH: That's great.
DeathDEATH: Are those kids on board?
Peter GriffinPETER: Yeah.
Peter GriffinAbout that, I don't think I can go through with it.
DeathDEATH: Peter, listen, without death, the world would be a terrible place.
DeathImagine a world where Hitler was still alive.
AnnouncerANNOUNCER: Today on Hitler, we'll be talking with Christian Slater.
HitlerNow, they tell me in your next movie, we get to see your butt.
[Girls cheering]
Christian SlaterSLATER: Yes, you do.
HitlerHITLER: Can we see it right now?
Christian SlaterSLATER: All right.
HitlerHITLER: He's going to do it!
AnnouncerANNOUNCER: If you're going to be in L.A. And would like tickets to Hitler call 213-du werdest eine Krankenschwester brauchen!
DeathDEATH: Peter, all you gotta do is sit there. The plane is gonna crash in LA.
DeathPilot error. Big mess. Everybody dies.
Peter GriffinPETER: Jeez, everybody?
DeathDEATH: Except you.
DeathHold on, I'm getting another call. Brenda?
Peter GriffinPETER: It's still me.
DeathDEATH: Brenda?
Peter GriffinPETER: Yes? Just kidding, it's still me.
PilotPILOT: We now begin our final approach into Los Angeles International.
PilotIf you look out the window, you'll see the San Fernando Valley where my brother Gary makes a very nice living directing porn.
PilotWe'll be on the ground in 10 minutes.
GirlsGIRLS: [Singing] "We like being alive, we like being alive
Girls"We like being, oh, we like being, oh, we like being alive"
Peter GriffinI guess it's their time.
[Theme from Dawson's Creek playing]
PaceyPACEY: Boy, for a teacher, you sure make love good.
TeacherActually, it's "well," Pacey. You mean to say, I make love "well."
TeacherYou're good to go again, right?
PaceyYeah.
DeathDEATH: Peter? Hello? Peter, are you there? I can hear you breathing?
Peter GriffinYeah, I'm here. And you can forget it. I've changed my mind.
Peter GriffinI don't care if you do kill me, I'm not gonna kill those kids.
Peter GriffinIf they die, I'll have nothing to watch on Wednesdays other than the fine programs on Fox.
Peter GriffinOpen up in there!
PilotWhat are you doing? You're not a pilot. I know every pilot in the world!
Peter GriffinI'm here to keep you from making an error. A pilot error.
Peter GriffinJeez, I probably should've worn mittens!
JamesJAMES: Nice going, fat...
Peter GriffinI was just trying to save your lives. But now you're all gonna die.
Peter GriffinNo one can land this plane.
Karen BlackI can.
Peter GriffinThank God! It's Karen Black!
Karen BlackShe landed a busted plane in Airport '75?.
Peter GriffinIt was a movie in the '70s.
Peter GriffinYou damn kids with your music.
Tom TuckerTOM: Both of the pilots were killed.
Tom TuckerFortunately for the other passengers, actress Karen Black star of such films as Nashville and Five Easy Pieces, was on board.
Tom TuckerHats off to Miss Black for proving once again that, given the opportunity actresses over 50 can land large aircraft.
Tom TuckerKaren Black. What an obscure reference!
DeathDEATH: What the hell? I told you to waste the Dawson's Creek kids.
Lois GriffinYou're missing the important thing here.
Lois GriffinYou said you wanted everyone to know the rules of death apply.
Lois GriffinNow the whole world does.
DeathDEATH: I guess so.
DeathMy ankle's starting to feel better. I should probably get out of your hair.
Stewie GriffinBut you just got here!
Stewie GriffinWe can stay in touch, can't we? What's your e-mail?
Stewie GriffinMine is "loismustdie," all one word, "@yahoo.com."
Peter GriffinPETER: Wait a second. Death?
Peter GriffinI used to fear you, but now I'm glad we met.
Peter GriffinBecause you've given me a great gift. The complete Boz Scaggs.
Peter GriffinPETER: How did you know?
DeathDEATH: I just had a feeling.
Lois GriffinWe're gonna miss you, Death.
DeathDEATH: Don't worry.
DeathI'll be back really, really soon.
Death[Laughing]
DeathDEATH: Is he joking?
DeathOkay, see you later.
[Theme music]

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