| [Children's television theme music] |
| Mr. Rogers | Hello, neighbor. |
| Mr. Rogers | I'm glad we're together again. |
| [Bell rings] |
| Mr. Rogers | I think I hear our friend Trolley. |
| Stewie Griffin | Actually, it's your mortal enemy, Stewie. |
| Mr. Rogers | What the... |
| Stewie Griffin | I wouldn't bother visiting the neighborhood of make-believe. |
| Stewie Griffin | I dare say, you'll find it quite in ruin. |
| Mr. Rogers | What? |
| Cat | Meow, meow, meow, skin graft. Meow, meow, meow, meow. |
| Mr. Rogers | MR. ROGERS: My God! |
| Stewie Griffin | STEWIE: That's right, all dead. |
| Stewie Griffin | And now, Mr. Rogers, Fred. |
| Stewie Griffin | May as well drop the formalities. I'm going to kill you. |
| Mr. Rogers | No, please. |
| Mr. Rogers | Don't! |
| Stewie Griffin | How ironic. "Rogers." |
| Stewie Griffin | It almost rhymes with: |
| Stewie Griffin | "Eliminate." |
| Mr. Rogers | No! |
| Stewie Griffin | What? What the devil? |
| Lois Griffin | It's okay, Stewie. You were just talking in your sleep. |
| Mr. Rogers | MR. ROGERS: But now it's time for you to meet Mr. Death. |
| Lois Griffin | [Singing] "It seems today that all you see |
| Lois Griffin | "is violence in movies and sex on TV |
| Peter Griffin | "But where are those good, old-fashioned values |
| Peter Griffin | "on which we used to rely? |
| All | "Lucky there's a family guy |
| All | "Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you |
| All | "all the things that make us |
| Stewie Griffin | "laugh 'n' cry |
| All | "He's a family guy" |
| [Theme from The Jetsons] |
| Joe Jetson | Help! |
| Joe Jetson | Jane! |
| Joe Jetson | Stop this crazy thing! |
| Joe Jetson | Stop! |
| Joe Jetson | Help! |
| Jane Jetson | My God! George! |
| Joe Jetson | Did you not hear me out there? |
| Elroy Jetson | Dad, are you... |
| Joe Jetson | Go to your room! |
| Elroy Jetson | But what happened? |
| Joe Jetson | Go to your room! |
| Joe Jetson | For 45 minutes I was out there screaming. |
| Joe Jetson | I know that because my damn watch is broken. |
| Jane Jetson | I'm sorry. |
| Joe Jetson | "I'm sorry!" Jane is sorry! I could've been killed! |
| Chris Griffin | CHRIS: So what are you wearing? |
| Chris Griffin | Wow! I bet you could see right through that. |
| Lois Griffin | Chris, who are you talking to? |
| Chris Griffin | Grandma. |
| Lois Griffin | Oh, no! |
| Brian Griffin | What is it? |
| Lois Griffin | It looks like Stewie had an accident on the carpet. |
| Brian Griffin | Lois, again? |
| Lois Griffin | That baby just does not want to keep his diaper on. |
| Stewie Griffin | Here you are! |
| Stewie Griffin | What the hell is this? |
| Lois Griffin | Sweetie, that's tuna salad. |
| Stewie Griffin | Is that what it is? Really? |
| Stewie Griffin | Because I could have sworn it was mayonnaise and cat food! |
| Stewie Griffin | Here's 50 cents. Do me a favor, sweetheart. |
| Stewie Griffin | The next time you're shopping, splurge on a tin of solid white albacore? |
| Lois Griffin | Stewie, are you upset because you went wee-wee on the carpet? |
| Stewie Griffin | What did you just say? |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, Lois... |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, did you pee in here? |
| Stewie Griffin | In a moment! |
| Stewie Griffin | What did you just say? |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, we have a serious problem we need to discuss. |
| Peter Griffin | Jeez. This isn't another one of those interventions, is it? |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, you've been wearing that giant foam cowboy hat for eight months now. |
| Lois Griffin | Please, for your family, take it off. |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, I can take this hat off anytime I want. |
| Peter Griffin | I just don't want to. |
| Peter Griffin | Get away! |
| Lois Griffin | No, it's Stewie. He peed on the carpet. |
| Peter Griffin | Do I hit him? |
| Lois Griffin | No! |
| Stewie Griffin | Bend down, Mother. |
| Lois Griffin | Yes, honey? |
| Stewie Griffin | How dare you sully my good name by spreading your slanderous filth! |
| Lois Griffin | Stewie, no hitting! Use your words. |
| Brian Griffin | He's probably just ashamed, Lois. |
| Brian Griffin | You're just a helpless little carpet tinkler, aren't you? |
| Stewie Griffin | Well! |
| Stewie Griffin | The outrages I have suffered today will not be soon forgotten! |
| Stewie Griffin | I will not be forgetting those outrages! No! |
| Stewie Griffin | No, they won't be forgotten! |
| Stewie Griffin | Not the... |
| Brian Griffin | "Outrages," yeah. I think we got it. |
| Lois Griffin | Maybe it's time for Stewie to start potty training. |
| Peter Griffin | Isn't he a little young for that? |
| Peter Griffin | You know what happened to the Lindbergh baby. |
| Mrs. Lindbergh | Charles, he's only 6 months old. |
| Charles Lindbergh | Honey, would you relax? I flew across the Atlantic by myself. |
| Charles Lindbergh | I'm a national treasure, for God's sake. I think I know how to... |
| Charles Lindbergh | God! |
| Charles Lindbergh | All right. |
| Charles Lindbergh | He was kidnapped. |
| Charles Lindbergh | You call the police. I'll write the ransom note. |
| Mrs. Lindbergh | What about Amelia? She saw everything? |
| Charles Lindbergh | You leave her to me. |
| Lois Griffin | Come on, honey. He's been having accidents. |
| Lois Griffin | Maybe he's trying to tell us he's ready. |
| Lois Griffin | This could be a nice way for you and Stewie to bond. |
| Peter Griffin | Bond? |
| Peter Griffin | James Bond. |
| Peter Griffin | All right, Lois. I'll do it! |
| Brian Griffin | God. Not again, Brian. Why can't you stop peeing on the carpet? |
| Brian Griffin | Damn it! It's not coming out. |
| Lois Griffin | Brian, is that you? |
| Brian Griffin | BRIAN: Yeah. It's me. |
| Lois Griffin | Is everything okay? |
| Brian Griffin | Yeah. I couldn't sleep. I'll be up in a minute. |
| Lois Griffin | Okay. |
| Bob Barker | BOB: Join us tomorrow for more Price is Right. |
| Bob Barker | This is Bob Barker reminding you to control the pet population. |
| Bob Barker | Have your pets spayed or neutered. |
| Brian Griffin | Just die, already. |
| Meg Griffin | Mom, Stewie peed on the rug again! |
| Lois Griffin | No! |
| Lois Griffin | This has gotta stop. |
| Meg Griffin | God! It smells gross. |
| Brian Griffin | Princess, I don't see anyone dabbing yours behind their ears. |
| Lois Griffin | That's odd. It looks like someone tried to clean it up. |
| Brian Griffin | No, it doesn't. |
| Chris Griffin | Mine smells like soda. |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah, I'm looking for toilet-training books. |
| Clerk | Yes. We can help you there. |
| Clerk | Everybody Poops is still the standard, of course. |
| Clerk | We've also got the less popular Nobody Poops But You. |
| Peter Griffin | Well, see, we're Catholic, so... |
| Clerk | Then you want You're a Naughty Child And That's Evil Coming Out the Back of You. |
| Peter Griffin | Perfect! |
| Lois Griffin | Brian, what are you doing? |
| Brian Griffin | Hi, Lois. |
| Brian Griffin | I was just washing some things. |
| Lois Griffin | Those look like our sheets and our quilt. |
| Brian Griffin | They are. |
| Brian Griffin | I'm washing them in fabric softener, because they were so itchy I couldn't sleep. |
| Brian Griffin | Which is why I was downstairs when you asked me if everything was okay. |
| Brian Griffin | You know, because it was so itchy. |
| Peter Griffin | Come on, Stewie. |
| Peter Griffin | Don't you want to pee in a toilet bowl like a big boy? |
| Peter Griffin | I remember when I learned to use a potty all by myself. |
| Peter Griffin | I was so proud. |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, Lois! I did it! |
| Stewie Griffin | Well, perhaps I could give it the old college try. |
| Stewie Griffin | Why don't you put your hands right there? |
| Stewie Griffin | It'll help me relax. |
| Peter Griffin | Okay, buddy. |
| Peter Griffin | Maybe you don't have to pee. |
| Peter Griffin | I oughta give you beer. It goes right through you. |
| Stewie Griffin | Wonderful, and while we're at it, we could light up a doobie and watch porn. |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah? |
| Stewie Griffin | Listen, you, I'll use these facilities when I'm damn well ready. |
| Stewie Griffin | Until then, you shall continue to sanitize my crevasse and be damn grateful for the opportunity! |
| Stewie Griffin | Starting right... |
| Stewie Griffin | Well not now. |
| Stewie Griffin | But soon! |
| Peter Griffin | And I want these, and these, and these. |
| Lois Griffin | Only one. |
| Peter Griffin | But that man over there got two! |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, I don't care what the other men are getting. You're only getting one. |
| Peter Griffin | I hate you! |
| Lois Griffin | Hey, what's that sound? |
| Stewie Griffin | You're urinating! |
| Stewie Griffin | So, it's been you all along! |
| Stewie Griffin | This is too perfect! I've been taking the blame for Rex. |
| Chris Griffin | It's everywhere! |
| Lois Griffin | It's okay. Meg, hand me my sweater. |
| Peter Griffin | Brian, where do you think you are? Payless? |
| Stewie Griffin | I say, Paco, grab a mop. |
| Stewie Griffin | Could somebody get Patches out of here before he decides to bend a fresh biscuit on the conveyor belt? |
| Lois Griffin | It's okay. We'll meet you in the parking lot. |
| Brian Griffin | God, Lois. I need help. |
| Brian Griffin | Look, I really don't even know why I'm here. |
| Brian Griffin | The urologist said I was fine. |
| Psychologist | Well, sometimes these things can be psychological. |
| Brian Griffin | Doubt that! I mean, I've got a very comfortable life. |
| Brian Griffin | I live with a great family. All my needs are met. |
| Brian Griffin | Okay, look. |
| Brian Griffin | So, maybe this isn't where I thought I'd be at 7 years old. |
| Brian Griffin | It's just that I... |
| Brian Griffin | Is it okay if I smoke in here? |
| Brian Griffin | Thanks. |
| Brian Griffin | It's just that things don't always work out the way we plan. |
| Brian Griffin | Do you know I've never been to Europe? |
| Brian Griffin | Now look at me. |
| Brian Griffin | Middle-aged, alone, and peeing in supermarkets. |
| Brian Griffin | Man, didn't see that coming. |
| Brian Griffin | I had this dream last night. |
| Brian Griffin | Did you ever see Logan's Run? |
| Intercom | INTERCOM: Last day. Capricorn 2537. |
| Intercom | Our next dedication goes out to Tommy from Kim. |
| ['80s pop music on PA system] |
| [Tense sci-fi instrumental music] |
| Man | We've got a runner in Sector G. |
| Brian Griffin | What about him? He's gotta be in his 50s. |
| Brian Griffin | So what do you think? |
| Psychologist | I think you're very sensitive, and you put up a tough front. |
| Psychologist | I think you're in pain. |
| Brian Griffin | Damn it, Brian, do not cry. |
| Psychologist | I'd like to pet you, Brian. |
| Psychologist | Would that be okay? |
| Psychologist | You're a good dog, Brian. |
| Psychologist | A very good... |
| Brian Griffin | Keep it above the waist, Doc. |
| Tom Tucker | TOM: And now part two of our very own Asian correspondent Trisha Takanawa's special report on sex. |
| Trishia Takanawa | Tom, I'm standing in the bedroom of Judy and Glen Isaacs. |
| Trishia Takanawa | Ten years married and still in love. |
| Trishia Takanawa | What's their secret? |
| Trishia Takanawa | Judy has an inoperable brain tumor the size of my fist. |
| Trishia Takanawa | And that just happens to be Glen's fetish. |
| Lois Griffin | Brian, how'd it go? |
| Brian Griffin | Well, Lois, I think I have little bit of "me work" to do. |
| Brian Griffin | But I'm feeling things, and that's a start. |
| Lois Griffin | That's wonderful. |
| Lois Griffin | You know, like most other people, I used to think therapy was only for crazies and nut jobs. Isn't that silly? |
| Brian Griffin | Hey, Lois, I... |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, Brian. |
| Peter Griffin | How you doing? |
| Peter Griffin | They let you out already? |
| Brian Griffin | I was in a therapy session, not a lunatic asylum. |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, calm down. |
| Peter Griffin | Lots of crazy people have gone on to lead normal, successful lives. |
| Lois Griffin | What did your therapist say? |
| Brian Griffin | Dr. Kaplan thinks the accidents are linked to some kind of mid-life crisis. |
| Brian Griffin | He suggests I go out into the world and pursue my dreams. |
| Brian Griffin | I'm leaving tomorrow. |
| Man | Whoops. Whoa. Hang on. I gave you one with silverware in it. |
| Man | Take this one instead. |
| Man | That one's probably fine. |
| Brian Griffin | Beautiful. |
| Brian Griffin | My God! Are you Stephen King? |
| Dean Koontz | No. I'm Dean Koontz. |
| [Engine starts] |
| [Gurgling] |
| Brian Griffin | But, you know, thanks to these sessions, I think I'm okay. |
| Brian Griffin | Being out in the world, feeling my power, and no accidents! |
| Brian Griffin | I've been dry for two weeks now. |
| Psychologist | Mazel tov. |
| Brian Griffin | Well, good-bye, Dr. Kaplan. |
| Brian Griffin | And thank you. |
| Tom Tucker | I know Stacy isn't your mother but upside-down face or not, you have to respect her. |
| Brian Griffin | Hey, you're Tom Tucker… |
| Upside-down-face Boy | Hey! |
| Brian Griffin | God. That was rude. I apologize. |
| Brian Griffin | Wow. |
| Stewie Griffin | [Urinating] |
| Stewie Griffin | "I'm a little teapot short and stout |
| Stewie Griffin | "Here is my handle, here is my spout |
| Stewie Griffin | "When I get all steamed up, hear me shout" |
| Stewie Griffin | Lois, it looks as if Puddles has done it again! |
| Stewie Griffin | Goodness, he's wet everything. |
| Stewie Griffin | [Fake laughter] |
| Brian Griffin | I swear, I don't even remember doing it. I don't understand this. |
| Lois Griffin | Now, Brian, we know you're not doing this on purpose. |
| Lois Griffin | But maybe we should consider crating. - God. |
| Peter Griffin | Or you could be an outside dog. |
| Peter Griffin | Would you like that? |
| Peter Griffin | Outside? |
| Brian Griffin | And how embarrassed was I when the word "crate" came up? |
| Brian Griffin | I thought I was past this. |
| Brian Griffin | I traveled the world, for God's sake. Do you know how much I spent? |
| Psychologist | Well, obviously we haven't hit the real issue yet. Drop it. |
| Psychologist | Tell me, Brian, the last accident you remember did anything unusual happen that might've triggered it? |
| Brian Griffin | No. It was a normal day. |
| Peter Griffin | Catwoman. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, no "Catwoman" today. I'm tired. |
| Peter Griffin | What's the matter? |
| Peter Griffin | Is the mighty Catwoman afraid of a little Catwoman melting spray? |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, no. |
| Lois Griffin | All right. Okay. Enough, Batman. I don't want... |
| Peter Griffin | Not so mighty now, are you, Catwoman? |
| Lois Griffin | Peter! |
| Peter Griffin | Take that. |
| Peter Griffin | I spit water on you. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter! |
| Lois Griffin | Batman, I can't breathe! Peter! |
| Lois Griffin | I'm using my special cat power to get Batman all wet. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Hey, knock it off. |
| Lois Griffin | [Lois meowing] |
| Brian Griffin | You know, just the usual stuff. |
| Brian Griffin | Wait a minute. All that running water. That's gotta be it! |
| Psychologist | Brian, tell me about Lois. |
| Brian Griffin | Lois. Well, she's a fantastic woman. |
| Brian Griffin | She's compassionate and charming, attractive. |
| Brian Griffin | Well, stunning, really. |
| Brian Griffin | I guess you could say I really... |
| Psychologist | Love her? |
| Brian Griffin | No, of course not! |
| Brian Griffin | Me and Lois? That's sick! |
| Brian Griffin | Come on. She's my best friend's wife. |
| Brian Griffin | Look, I love Lois, but I'm not in love with her. |
| Psychologist | Who are you trying to convince, Brian? Me or you? |
| Brian Griffin | Brian, what a mess. |
| Brian Griffin | Don't get antsy. I got three minutes left. |
| Peter Griffin | What the hell, Brian? You cured yet? |
| Peter Griffin | I don't want to have to live in a house with plastic on the furniture like some Italian family. |
| Brian Griffin | My therapist has figured out my problem. |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah? What does Sigmund "Fraud" think it is? |
| Brian Griffin | He thinks I'm in love. |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, my God! |
| Peter Griffin | You can talk! |
| Brian Griffin | Never mind. |
| Peter Griffin | Well, does this girl love you back? |
| Brian Griffin | I can't imagine. |
| Peter Griffin | You gotta find out for sure. |
| Peter Griffin | You don't want to spend your life wondering what could have been. |
| Man | Sir, I need a decision. |
| Peter Griffin | Salad. |
| Peter Griffin | No, wait! Soup! |
| Peter Griffin | But it was too late. |
| Peter Griffin | And to this day, I still lay awake at night wondering about the soup that got away. |
| Brian Griffin | Thanks, Peter. |
| Peter Griffin | I'm gonna go find out how she feels. |
| Man | I've taken you for granted. |
| Peter Griffin | Get a room! |
| Lois Griffin | Hey, you. The news is on. |
| Brian Griffin | Where is everybody? |
| Lois Griffin | Stewie's taking a nap, and Peter and the kids are out. |
| Lois Griffin | Come sit with me. |
| Brian Griffin | Okay. |
| Diane Simmons | DIANE: And now part three of Asian correspondent Trisha Takanawa's special report on sex. |
| Trishia Takanawa | Thank you, Diane. |
| Trishia Takanawa | Sex. Some people have it anonymously. |
| Trishia Takanawa | What kind of person would do that, you might ask? |
| Trishia Takanawa | Well, I'm about to find out. |
| Trishia Takanawa | I just picked up a complete stranger in a hotel bar and he's in the bathroom right now, possibly doing drugs. |
| Trishia Takanawa | Watch as I have sex with this potentially dangerous man as we take you in-depth and undercover. |
| Quagmire | I've never had a Spanish chick before. Ole! |
| Lois Griffin | It is so refreshing to see something other than violence on the news. |
| Lois Griffin | Brian, your tail keeps hitting me. |
| Brian Griffin | If it's bothering you, I can stop. |
| Lois Griffin | It's okay. The breeze feels good. |
| Lois Griffin | It's so warm in here. |
| Lois Griffin | That's better. |
| Brian Griffin | I'd take my sweater off, but I'm afraid it's attached to my skin. |
| Brian Griffin | Smooth. |
| Lois Griffin | I'd better go start dinner. |
| Stewie Griffin | STEWIE: Well, well, well! |
| Brian Griffin | How long have you been there? |
| Stewie Griffin | I came along about the time you started pummeling her with your tail. |
| Brian Griffin | You shut up! |
| Stewie Griffin | You love her! |
| Stewie Griffin | This is so good, it just has to be fattening. |
| Brian Griffin | I said, shut up! |
| Stewie Griffin | By the way, nice rap. |
| Stewie Griffin | "I'd take my sweater off, but I'm afraid it's attached to my skin." |
| Stewie Griffin | Imbecile! |
| Meg Griffin | Ben, Brittany, and Amber said, "Let's go to the mall." |
| Meg Griffin | And I said, "Okay, I'll go to the mall." |
| Meg Griffin | Then Amber wasn't gonna go, so I went to the mall. |
| Meg Griffin | And you're not gonna believe it. They both showed up! |
| Peter Griffin | Hold on. Meg, I'm sorry. That is a really boring story. |
| Peter Griffin | I haven't been this bored since that stupid drive-in movie. |
| Peter Griffin | This sucks. |
| Brian Griffin | Lois, this pasta, better than Italy. |
| Lois Griffin | It's just my Noodle Caboodle. |
| Lois Griffin | I did use a different brand of potato chips for the crust. |
| Brian Griffin | Your culinary prowess is surpassed only by your unfailing grace and the uncommon, sometimes haunting glow of sensuality that surrounds you. |
| Lois Griffin | It's just Noodle Caboodle. |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, what are these hard things? |
| Lois Griffin | M&Ms. I ran out of paprika. |
| Brian Griffin | [BIows kiss] |
| Brian Griffin | Magnificent. |
| Stewie Griffin | Up. |
| Stewie Griffin | Stewie wants to go uppie! |
| Lois Griffin | You want me to pick you up, sweetie? |
| Stewie Griffin | Momma's skin's so soft. |
| Lois Griffin | My goodness, you're affectionate tonight. |
| Lois Griffin | Well, let me give my big boy a kiss. |
| Stewie Griffin | Another! Yes! Momma has candy kisses! |
| Brian Griffin | All right! That's enough! |
| Brian Griffin | I mean, will you all excuse me, please? |
| Lois Griffin | Stewie, did you unhook mommy's bra? |
| Brian Griffin | Hi. |
| Lois Griffin | Well, hello, Brian. |
| Brian Griffin | I think we should talk. |
| Lois Griffin | Sure. |
| Brian Griffin | Lois did your heart ever want to ask something, but your head was too afraid of what the answer might be? |
| Lois Griffin | God. |
| Lois Griffin | Sometimes it's best not to ask those questions. |
| Lois Griffin | Sometimes we should cherish what we already have. |
| Lois Griffin | Like a very special friendship let's say like the one you and I share that someone like me wouldn't change for anything in the world. |
| Lois Griffin | Someone like me wouldn't change it for anything in the world either. |
| Brian Griffin | I'm glad. |
| Brian Griffin | Just to be clear, we were talking about me being in love with you and you rejecting me, right? - Yes. |
| Brian Griffin | I was just making sure. |
| Brian Griffin | Say we were both drunk, and we knew we wouldn't remember? |
| Lois Griffin | I'd have to be really... No! |
| Brian Griffin | I tell you, Peter, I wish I'd taken this up years ago. |
| Peter Griffin | You know, my great, great, great uncle, Angus Griffin invented the game. |
| Angus Griffin | So we're all clear on the rules then? |
| Angus Griffin | No Jews and no blacks. |
| All | Aye! |
| Peter Griffin | You're like the Arnold Palmer of golf. |
| Brian Griffin | Yeah, life is good. |
| Brian Griffin | I'm 7 years old, and if I play my cards right I've got another seven ahead of me. |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, what ever happened to your lady friend? |
| Brian Griffin | We decided to stay good friends. |
| Brian Griffin | I found out that there are different kinds of love, and ours was perfect the way it was. |
| Peter Griffin | So she dumped you, huh? The hell with her! |
| Peter Griffin | She'll probably end up with some idiot. Serves her right. |
| Peter Griffin | Damn. |
| Peter Griffin | Mulligan. |
| Peter Griffin | Damn. |
| [Theme music] |