| Lois Griffin | [Singing] "It seems today that all you see |
| Lois Griffin | "is violence in movies and sex on TV |
| Peter Griffin | "But where are those good, old-fashioned values |
| Peter Griffin | "on which we used to rely? |
| All | "Lucky there's a family guy |
| All | "Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you |
| All | "all the things that make us |
| Stewie Griffin | "laugh 'n' cry |
| All | "He's a family guy" |
| [Mellow music playing on TV] |
| Woman | Boy, that lotion sure feels good. |
| Woman 2 | Sure is hot! |
| Woman | And it just got hotter! |
| Woman 2 | Here, now let me do you. |
| Announcer | ANNOUNCER: Pawtucket Patriot Beer. |
| Announcer | If you buy it, hot women will have sex in your backyard. |
| Lois Griffin | Typical male fantasy. |
| Lois Griffin | Women drinking beer. |
| Lois Griffin | I guarantee you a man made that commercial. |
| Peter Griffin | Of course a man made it. |
| Peter Griffin | It's a commercial, not a delicious Thanksgiving dinner. |
| Chris Griffin | CHRIS: Dad, we won a boat! We won a boat! |
| Peter Griffin | Holy crap! We did! We won a free freakin' boat! |
| Meg Griffin | Dad, nobody gives things away for free. |
| Peter Griffin | That's not true. |
| Peter Griffin | I know people who give things away. |
| Crowd | Free Tibet! Free Tibet! |
| Peter Griffin | I'll take it! |
| Peter Griffin | Hello, China? |
| Peter Griffin | I have something you may want. |
| Peter Griffin | But it's gonna cost you. |
| Peter Griffin | That's right. All the tea. |
| [Sinister instrumental music] |
| Lois Griffin | I knew there was a catch. |
| Lois Griffin | You have to sit through one of those awful time-share presentations. |
| Peter Griffin | That's a small price to pay. |
| Peter Griffin | I am gonna be the first one on Spooner Street to have his own boat! |
| Quagmire | Whoa! All hands on deck! I'm getting a boat! |
| Cleveland | CLEVELAND: Hey, Quagmire. I'm also getting a boat, too. |
| Joe Swanson | Right on! I can't wait to get my sea legs! Yeah! |
| Peter Griffin | Well, at least I'll be the fattest guy on Spooner Street to get a boat. |
| Fat Albert | Hey, hey, hey! I'm getting a boat! |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, man! Even Della Reese is getting a boat. |
| Salesman | These wonderful homes on this beautifully secluded island can be yours with almost no strings attached. |
| Salesman | Beautiful island. |
| Salesman | Nothing out of the ordinary here. Just beautiful homes and nothing else. |
| Salesman | Each residence has 200 feet of pristine oceanfront. |
| Salesman | No city noise, no flesh-eating ogres, no pollution. |
| Lois Griffin | I hate these high-pressure sales situations. |
| Peter Griffin | That's so cute. |
| Peter Griffin | You're afraid that because you're a woman you'll do something stupid like buy that time-share or not realize that I taped over our wedding video with softcore porn. |
| Lois Griffin | You taped over our wedding video? |
| Peter Griffin | Relax, Lois. I just taped over the boring stuff. |
| Priest | The couple wrote their own vows, which they will now recite to each other. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, I... |
| Woman | The only reason I got myself arrested was to find out what happened to my sister. |
| Guard | GUARD: Excuse me, ladies. It's laundry time. |
| [Cheesy porn music playing] |
| Woman | It's so cold in here. |
| Woman | I mean, look at my... |
| Lois Griffin | Oh, my God, Peter! |
| Lois Griffin | I sent a copy of that tape to my Great Aunt Lil! |
| Old Man | This wedding is hot! |
| Old Man | Wake up, damn it! Wake up! |
| Salesman | Hello, Mr. And Mrs. Griffin. |
| Salesman | I know you've been here all day. |
| Salesman | If you'll sign this contract, I'll take your blank check and you'll not be loving your time-share before you know it. |
| Peter Griffin | We're not gonna buy your lousy time-share, all right? |
| Peter Griffin | Now, where's my boat? |
| Salesman | Hold on. You have a choice. |
| Salesman | You can have the boat or the mystery box. |
| Lois Griffin | Are you crazy? We'll take the boat. |
| Peter Griffin | Not so fast, Lois. |
| Peter Griffin | A boat's a boat. But the mystery box could be anything. |
| Peter Griffin | It could even be a boat. |
| Peter Griffin | You know how much we wanted one. |
| Lois Griffin | Then let's... |
| Peter Griffin | We'll take the box. |
| Lois Griffin | "We'll take the box." |
| Lois Griffin | You gave up a boat for free tickets to a crappy comedy club. |
| Peter Griffin | You're acting like this is the first time I've done something stupid. |
| Peter Griffin | Remember the time I was supposed to get that boat? |
| Peter Griffin | A boat's a boat. But the mystery box could be anything. |
| Peter Griffin | It could even be a boat. |
| Peter Griffin | You know how much we wanted one. |
| Lois Griffin | Then let's... |
| Peter Griffin | We'll take the box. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, that just happened 10 minutes ago. |
| Peter Griffin | Who cares? I'll bet nobody took the boat. |
| Peter Griffin | Who could resist the call of the mystery box? |
| Quagmire | QUAGMIRE: Hey, look at me. I'm in the boat. |
| Quagmire | All right. |
| Bonnie Swanson | BONNIE: Joe, look to the right. It's the Griffins. |
| Joe Swanson | We're nautical now, baby. That's called "starboard." |
| Joe Swanson | But I'll forgive you, because you sex me up. Now, give me some sugar. |
| Joe Swanson | Hey, neighbors! Where's your boat? |
| Lois Griffin | We didn't take the boat. We took the mystery box. |
| Lois Griffin | Hop in. |
| Cleveland | Hey, Quagmire. |
| Cleveland | Maybe the comedian will tell some jokes about boats or boating, or owning a boat. |
| Quagmire | Yeah, or maybe he'll tell some jokes about being a sucker! |
| Cleveland | Oh, Quagmire. |
| Cleveland | You're what the Spaniards call el terrible. |
| Quagmire | What are you upset about? I never knew you liked boats. |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, boating's in my blood. Ever since my great-grandfather Huck Griffin, rafted down the mighty Mississippi. |
| Jim | What did you just call me? |
| Huck Griffin | I thought that was your name. |
| Jim | That is our word! You've got no right using it! |
| Huck Griffin | I'm cool. No problem. |
| Huck Griffin | Could you pass me the oar, N-word Jim? |
| Jim | Thank you. |
| Peter Griffin | This comic sucks! |
| Peter Griffin | He couldn't make me laugh, even if I was laughing my ass off and he was making me do it. |
| Peter Griffin | Come on, Skinny! Make me laugh! |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, that's a microphone stand. |
| Peter Griffin | Pardon me for thinking a mic stand in a comedy club should tell a joke or two. |
| Peter Griffin | I guess I'm just old-fashioned that way. |
| Comedian | Hi. Welcome to... |
| Peter Griffin | Very funny. |
| Comedian | Excuse me, sir. I haven't even... |
| Peter Griffin | That one was hilarious! That was even funnier than your first joke! |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, put skinny back up there. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter! |
| Comedian | You think this is easy? You want to try this? |
| Peter Griffin | I thought you'd never ask. |
| Lois Griffin | Maybe you shouldn't do this. You've never had a lot of luck telling jokes. |
| Peter Griffin | Okay, how many dirty, stinkin' apes does it take to screw in a light bulb? |
| Peter Griffin | Three. |
| Peter Griffin | One dirty, stinkin' ape to screw in the light bulb and two dirty, stinkin' apes to throw feces at each other. |
| Peter Griffin | [Laughing] |
| Peter Griffin | Don't worry. I got it under control. |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, how about that Viagra? |
| Peter Griffin | You know what that stuff does? |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Come on! |
| Peter Griffin | What are you people, stupid? |
| Peter Griffin | You like a little abuse, huh? |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah. Well, you guys are stupid and ugly. |
| Peter Griffin | If there was a stupid-and-ugly contest, you'd all win! |
| Peter Griffin | Or lose. |
| Peter Griffin | Whichever is funnier. |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, Lois. |
| Peter Griffin | What do you call a woman who takes forever to cook breakfast? |
| Lois Griffin | I swear to God, Peter! |
| Peter Griffin | You call her "Lois." |
| Peter Griffin | [Laughing] |
| Stewie Griffin | Well, the fat man made a funny. I rather enjoyed that. |
| Stewie Griffin | Yes, you cook very slowly. |
| Stewie Griffin | As a matter of fact, if you were any slower at cooking you wouldn't be cooking very fast at all, now, would you? |
| Stewie Griffin | That one wasn't very good. |
| Lois Griffin | They laughed because it looked like you peed yourself not because they liked your jokes. |
| Peter Griffin | Maybe that was part of my act. |
| Peter Griffin | Urine happens to be very edgy. |
| Peter Griffin | I guess an unfunny person like you wouldn't understand that. |
| Stewie Griffin | Okay, okay. I've got it. |
| Stewie Griffin | If you cooked any more slowly, you wouldn't need an egg timer you'd need an egg calendar! |
| Stewie Griffin | [Laughing] |
| Stewie Griffin | That's right. I went there. |
| Peter Griffin | Okay, here's another one. |
| Peter Griffin | Why do women have boobs? |
| Peter Griffin | So you got something to look at while you're talking to them! |
| All | [Laughing] |
| Man | Good one, Peter. |
| Man 2 | That's what they're for. |
| Woman | Are you telling jokes? |
| Woman | I love jokes. |
| Peter Griffin | All right. Then you'll love this one. |
| Peter Griffin | Why do women have boobs? |
| Peter Griffin | So you got something to look at while you're talking to them. |
| Peter Griffin | So you got something to look at while you're talking to them. |
| Peter Griffin | You wanted to see me, Mr. Weed? |
| Mr. Weed | Peter, we have a problem. |
| Gloria Ironbox | Mr. Griffin, I'm Gloria Ironbox. |
| Gloria Ironbox | I represent one of your co-workers, Sarah Bennett. |
| Gloria Ironbox | She's suing you and the company for sexual harassment. |
| Peter Griffin | Sarah, Sarah... |
| Peter Griffin | Is she the one we videotaped taking a dump? |
| Peter Griffin | Why? What happened? |
| Gloria Ironbox | Sexual harassment is a very serious charge, Mr. Griffin. |
| Peter Griffin | First, if I can speak in my own defense, all I did was tell a little joke. |
| Peter Griffin | Second of all, women are not people. |
| Peter Griffin | They are devices built by the Lord Jesus Christ for our entertainment. |
| Mr. Weed | Peter, please! |
| Mr. Weed | Miss Ironbox, I assure you, this company in no way condones Peter's conduct. |
| Mr. Weed | In fact, a film on employee relations has been a mandatory part of our personnel training for 50 years. |
| Host | Irrational, emotionally fragile by nature, female coworkers are a peculiar animal. |
| Host | They are very insecure about their appearance. |
| Host | Be sure to tell them how good they look every day even if they're homely and unkempt. |
| Host | You're doing a great job, Muriel, and you're prettier than Mamie Van Doren. |
| Host | And remember, nothing says "good job" like a firm, open-palm slap on the behind. |
| [Cheery instrumental music] |
| Gloria Ironbox | I teach a workplace-sensitivity training class for the Women's Action Coalition. |
| Gloria Ironbox | If Mr. Griffin completes my course, we'll drop the lawsuit. |
| Mr. Weed | I assure you, Peter will be there. His job depends on it. |
| Gloria Ironbox | Good. I'm looking forward to it. |
| Peter Griffin | If I wasn't so sure you were a lesbian, I'd say you were coming on to me. |
| Gloria Ironbox | All right, now, let's do some role-playing. |
| Gloria Ironbox | I'll be the office assistant. |
| Gloria Ironbox | Mr. Henson, why don't you play the boss, and we'll see what you've learned? |
| Mr. Henson | Okay. |
| Gloria Ironbox | The filing is done, Mr. Henson. |
| Mr. Henson | Thank you. |
| Mr. Henson | You are a valued member of our team and every bit as important to this company as I am. |
| Gloria Ironbox | Excellent. |
| Gloria Ironbox | Mr. Griffin, why don't you come up here and give it a try? |
| Peter Griffin | All right. |
| Gloria Ironbox | The filing's done, Mr. Griffin. |
| Peter Griffin | Thank you, Miss Ironbox. |
| Peter Griffin | You are a valued member of our business team. |
| Peter Griffin | And I will give you a raise tomorrow if you come to work without a shirt on. |
| Gloria Ironbox | Mr. Griffin! |
| Peter Griffin | I'm sorry. That came out wrong. Let me try again. |
| Peter Griffin | Nice ass. |
| Gloria Ironbox | You haven't heard a word I've said! |
| Peter Griffin | Now that's not fair. I've heard everything you said. |
| Peter Griffin | There's some subtleties to the rules that aren't so easy to understand. |
| Gloria Ironbox | Okay, that's it! |
| Gloria Ironbox | Obviously, normal sensitivity training isn't enough for you! |
| Gloria Ironbox | No, we're gonna have to do something drastic. |
| [Crickets chirping] |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: A week at a women's retreat. What am I supposed to learn from that? |
| Brian Griffin | Well, face it, Peter. Your attitude towards women isn't exactly enlightened. |
| Peter Griffin | That's a bad mud puddle. |
| Peter Griffin | I wouldn't want you to step in that and get your nice shoes all ruined. |
| Brian Griffin | Then you got caught peeping in the ladies' locker room. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Okay, move the towel. Move the towel. |
| Peter Griffin | Oh! They spotted me. |
| Brian Griffin | Peter, I think this'll be good for you. |
| Lois Griffin | You know I love you, but I have to admit, there are times when I wish you were a little more sensitive and... |
| Peter Griffin | Look at me! Look at me! |
| Miss Watson | Hello, ladies. I'm Miss Watson, director of the retreat. |
| Miss Watson | I'd like to welcome Peter Griffin who's here to get in touch with his feminine side. |
| Miss Watson | This world would be a far better place if there were more men like him. |
| Peter Griffin | Okay, so here's what I'm thinking. |
| Peter Griffin | I'll be Charlie, and you can all be my Angels. |
| Peter Griffin | Except you. |
| Peter Griffin | You'll be Bosley. |
| Miss Watson | WATSON: We women have so much strength inside us. |
| Miss Watson | If we can endure the pain of childbirth just imagine what else we're capable of! |
| Woman | That's true. |
| Woman 2 | Right on, sister! |
| Peter Griffin | Come on. |
| Peter Griffin | It's only childbirth. How much can it hurt? |
| Miss Watson | It's like taking your bottom lip and stretching it over your head to the back of your neck! |
| Peter Griffin | Come on. You want to hear some horror stories. |
| Peter Griffin | You wouldn't believe what I had to go through when Lois was pregnant. |
| Lois Griffin | [Vomiting] |
| [Theme from Three's Company on TV] |
| Lois Griffin | [Vomiting continues] |
| [Volume increases on TV] |
| Miss Watson | WATSON: Women are made to feel competitive with each other when we should be supportive. |
| Miss Watson | Lizzie, I know you feel alone and unattractive since your husband left you. |
| Miss Watson | But you are a beautiful person, and I am here for you. |
| Miss Watson | Notice I'm making physical contact with her in order to establish a connection. |
| Peter Griffin | I think you'd make more of a connection if you hugged her. |
| Miss Watson | Very good, Peter. That's true. |
| Peter Griffin | That's it. Now rub her back. |
| Peter Griffin | Okay, that's good. |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah, comfort her. Yeah, you like that, don't you? |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah, it's okay. It's okay to like it. It's very natural. |
| Peter Griffin | Okay, good. |
| Peter Griffin | Now smell her a little. |
| [Cheerful instrumental music] |
| Woman | I can't do it! |
| Miss Watson | Yes, you can! Trust your sisters! Jump into the trust quilt! |
| All | ALL: Jump! Jump! Trust us! We love you! |
| All | We'll catch you! |
| Miss Watson | WATSON: Wonderful. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Okay! Me next! Me next! |
| Peter Griffin | Okay, ladies. I'm gonna start with a Greg Louganis triple-Salchow and tuck into a flying Mary Lou Retton half-calf. |
| Peter Griffin | [Screaming] |
| Miss Watson | WATSON: Now that you've felt a woman's pain, the learning can begin. |
| [Sentimental instrumental music] |
| Women | WOMEN: Bye! |
| Lois Griffin | Welcome back, Peter. |
| Peter Griffin | Lois! I missed you so much! |
| Peter Griffin | And my babies! |
| Peter Griffin | Chris, be a munchkin, and bring my bags inside, huh? |
| Brian Griffin | Peter, you're... |
| Peter Griffin | Brian, put the tea on. I have stories. |
| Peter Griffin | First I'm gonna go freshen up and rinse out a few things. |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, fudge. I broke a nail. Excuse me. |
| Chris Griffin | CHRIS: Oh, my God. Dad's a chick. |
| Lois Griffin | I can't remember the last time we cuddled like this. |
| Peter Griffin | I can't remember the last time I loved you so much! |
| Lois Griffin | How did you get so sweet? |
| Peter Griffin | When I was born, my mommy dunked me in a barrel of sugar. |
| Brian Griffin | Oh, for God's sake! |
| Stewie Griffin | Oh, yes, I'll have the coffee cake. |
| [Phone ringing] |
| Quagmire | Hello? |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, Quagmire. |
| Quagmire | Hey, Peter. What's up? |
| Peter Griffin | Not much. |
| Quagmire | Well, what do you want? |
| Peter Griffin | Nothin'. I'm just calling to talk. |
| Peter Griffin | What you thinking about? |
| Quagmire | What do you mean? You called me! |
| Peter Griffin | I just wanted to say hi. |
| Peter Griffin | So, what are you... |
| Peter Griffin | Sometimes I just can't believe we could make something so beautiful. |
| Lois Griffin | He looks just like his father. |
| Peter Griffin | I really appreciate all the hard work you did giving birth and mothering our kids. |
| Peter Griffin | I'll never know that joy. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, I'm sure you would've been a great mother if you had the chance. |
| Peter Griffin | You think so? |
| Lois Griffin | I know so. |
| Stewie Griffin | [Suckling] |
| Stewie Griffin | [Suckling] |
| Stewie Griffin | [Choking and gagging] |
| Lois Griffin | One of these days, I'm gonna need the mirror. |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, beans! I can't get this spit curl to... |
| Peter Griffin | Lois, what day is it? |
| Lois Griffin | Thursday. |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, my God! I'm late! |
| Lois Griffin | If you spent less time fixing your hair... |
| Peter Griffin | No, Lois. I'm "late" late! Do we still have that pregnancy test? |
| Lois Griffin | Are you insane? You can't have a baby! |
| Peter Griffin | Well, I don't have a lot of options. I'm Catholic! |
| Peter Griffin | God, I thought you'd be happy! |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, this is just great! |
| Peter Griffin | Now my own wife is forced to cook dinner for her lousy husband? |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, you're my husband! At least you used to be. |
| Stewie Griffin | Oh, mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. |
| Stewie Griffin | It's in my diaper, and it's not a toaster. |
| Lois Griffin | Meg, can you change Stewie? |
| Meg Griffin | Fine. |
| Meg Griffin | But this time, if a boy calls, don't tell him I'm wrist deep in poopie. |
| Lois Griffin | Honey, I'm glad you discovered your feminine side. |
| Lois Griffin | But I didn't want you to forget about mine. |
| Lois Griffin | Remember this? |
| Lois Griffin | Remember? |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, my God! That reminds me! I gotta give myself a breast exam. |
| Peter Griffin | Uh-oh! |
| Peter Griffin | A lump! Oh, God! |
| Peter Griffin | No, Cheeto. |
| [Doorbell ringing] |
| Quagmire | Lois! |
| Quagmire | How expected. |
| Lois Griffin | Hi, Glen. I'm sorry to bother you. Is this a bad time? |
| Quagmire | Never a bad time when you're with the Q-Man. Come on in. |
| Lois Griffin | Well, as you may have noticed, Peter's been acting a little different lately. |
| Lois Griffin | It was refreshing at first. But now... |
| Lois Griffin | Well, he doesn't even treat me like a woman anymore. |
| Quagmire | I know where this is going, Lois! |
| Quagmire | And I'm already semi-there. |
| [Jazz music playing on turntable] |
| Lois Griffin | Anyways, Glen, I was wondering if you and Cleveland could help change Peter back to the way he was. |
| Quagmire | Of course that's why you're here! |
| [Record skips] |
| Quagmire | Don't worry, Lois. I'd do everything to you. |
| Lois Griffin | What? |
| Quagmire | I'd do anything for you. |
| Quagmire | QUAGMIRE: Come on, Cleveland. |
| Quagmire | If we're gonna re-masculate Peter, we need chicks! |
| Quagmire | Let's blow this and hit the International House of Tail. |
| Cleveland | No. |
| Cleveland | He needs to learn how to respect his fellow man. |
| Cleveland | That's what this march is all about. |
| Cleveland | Respect for your fellow man. |
| Peter Griffin | I can't respect men. |
| Peter Griffin | Men are the reason our world is in such lousy shape. |
| Peter Griffin | If men were as caring as women, we wouldn't have crime or violence. |
| Speaker | SPEAKER: Brothers, we stand together... |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Excuse me! |
| Peter Griffin | I'd like to say a couple of truths to the men in this audience. |
| Peter Griffin | It's your fault we have so much crime in this country! |
| Peter Griffin | And it's your fault we have so much violence in this country! |
| Peter Griffin | You are ruining our society, and you should be ashamed! |
| [Angry mob yelling] |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: I don't care how many letters we gotta write. |
| Peter Griffin | The View should be on for three hours. |
| Peter Griffin | You just get going, and boom, it's News at Noon. |
| Lois Griffin | Can we go soon? |
| Peter Griffin | Not yet. |
| Peter Griffin | Gloria Ironbox and Camille Paglia are gonna see whose is bigger. |
| Gloria Ironbox | Peter, I'm so glad you could make it. |
| Peter Griffin | Gloria, this is my life partner, Lois. |
| Lois Griffin | I'm his wife. |
| Gloria Ironbox | His "wife." Yes. |
| Gloria Ironbox | Peter tells me you don't have a career of your own. |
| Lois Griffin | No. |
| Lois Griffin | Life outside my kitchen is so bright and scary. |
| Lois Griffin | I'm just here because you caught me between pregnancies. |
| Gloria Ironbox | I'm sorry you're so hostile toward someone who's fighting so a woman like you can become more than just a housewife. |
| Lois Griffin | Oh, just a housewife? |
| Lois Griffin | Look, I'm all for equality but if you ask me, feminism is about choice. |
| Lois Griffin | I choose to be a wife and mother. |
| Lois Griffin | And now I'm choosing to end this conversation. |
| Gloria Ironbox | No wonder your husband didn't respect women. |
| Lois Griffin | Excuse me? |
| Gloria Ironbox | I can't imagine how screwed up your kids must be. |
| Lois Griffin | You bitch! |
| Chef | Ten banana-cream pies! |
| Peter Griffin | Holy crap! This is hot! |
| Peter Griffin | Lois, we gotta go! |
| Lois Griffin | That was wonderful. |
| Peter Griffin | Who said that? |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, hi, Lois. I'm starving. How about a sandwich? |
| Lois Griffin | Glad to have you back, Peter. |
| Peter Griffin | Lois, less talkie, more fetchie. |
| Lois Griffin | I'm just gonna assume that's Chinese for "I love you." |
| [Theme from Three's Company on TV] |
| [Theme music] |