| Lois Griffin | [Singing] "It seems today that all you see |
| Lois Griffin | "is violence in movies and sex on TV |
| Peter Griffin | "But where are those good, old-fashioned values |
| Peter Griffin | "on which we used to rely? |
| All | "Lucky there's a family guy |
| All | "Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you |
| All | "all the things that make us |
| Stewie Griffin | "laugh 'n' cry |
| All | "He's a family guy" |
| [Instrumental Christmas music] |
| Chris Griffin | Merry Christmas, dude. Don't put it in your nose. It burns like hell. |
| Cleveland | Merry Christmas, everybody. As president of the Quahog Chamber of Commerce I would like to thank the Seniors' Center for decorating our tree. |
| Senior | Broke my hip! |
| Lois Griffin | Look, honey. There's the manger for the Christmas pageant. You're gonna make the cutest baby Jesus ever. |
| Stewie Griffin | So, you want to dress me up and trot me about like a circus poodle? Here, let me consult my agent, Mr. Irving R. Pointy Stick! |
| Lois Griffin | Oh, Stewie, no sweets before dinner. |
| Meg Griffin | Mom, I'm freezing. Can we go home? |
| Lois Griffin | In a minute. Would you just look at this beautiful tree? Every year I look up at that star and I think of all of the joy and wonder that Christmas promises. And that miracle that occurred on that silent winter's night. |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, I'm on vacation! Happy birthday, Jesus! |
| Peter Griffin | "Seven maids a-milking, six maids a-milking, five maids a..." |
| Lois Griffin | Brian, you're not wearing the sweater I made you. |
| Brian Griffin | It's a little warm in here, you know? |
| Lois Griffin | "Don we now our gay apparel" |
| Brian Griffin | Doesn't get much gayer than this. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, tomorrow's Christmas Eve and you still haven't gotten us a tree. |
| Peter Griffin | Lois, I told you I'm on dipsalucious vacation. What part of that don't you understand? |
| Lois Griffin | Come on, honey. It's the only thing I've asked you to do. Please? |
| Peter Griffin | Brian, tape this for me. |
| Brian Griffin | Sorry. The VCR hasn't worked since you tried to tape Monday Night Football. |
| FBI Agent | Do you have the written consent of ABC Sports and the National Football League? |
| Peter Griffin | Just ABC. |
| [Guns cocking] |
| Lois Griffin | If you get us a tree, I'll make sure Santa brings you a new VCR. Please? |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, crap. How come I... Commercial! |
| Peter Griffin | [Chopping tree] |
| Meg Griffin | Mom, I got something to add to my Christmas list. A pair of those jeweled bug barrettes. Not costume, real. |
| Lois Griffin | Maybe you should write that down? |
| Lois Griffin | Santa got all his shopping done before the rush. I think you'll be very happy. |
| Chris Griffin | I just want peace on Earth. That's better than being selfish like Meg, right? So I should get more than her. |
| Peter Griffin | Here's the tree. Merry Christmas to all and to all shut the hell up. |
| Lois Griffin | Before you sit down, we're due at Joe and Bonnie's for eggnog. |
| Peter Griffin | Can't we tell them that your mother died? |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, I'm not gonna lie about something like that. |
| Peter Griffin | All right. I'll kill your mother. God, when did Christmas become so complicated? You guys know that Rudolph is on, right? |
| Lois Griffin | Peter! |
| Bonnie Swanson | Thank you for the lovely gingerbread house, Lois. |
| Joe Swanson | Oh, yeah! It's perfect for all the happy, active gingerbread men. Except for the one with no legs! Look at the parents telling their kids not to stare. "How does his pee-pee work, Mommy?" Well, I've got news for you, Becky. Not so well! |
| Bonnie Swanson | Joe, you promised. It's Christmas. Joe had his accident at Christmas time. |
| [Nervous laughter] |
| Carollers | "Check the balls on Uncle Charlie" |
| Peter Griffin | Yes! Time to go a-wassailing! |
| Quagmire | Hey, Peter. Hi. I'm Prancer. |
| Lois Griffin | Why don't you take Joe along? |
| Yeah, Lois. That'll be about as much fun as a lecture on ontological empiricism. |
| Lois Griffin | What? |
| Peter Griffin | What? |
| Lois Griffin | Honey, he could use some Christmas spirit. For me? Please? |
| Peter Griffin | All right. But you owe me later, under the mistletoe. Open mouth, no matter how drunk I am. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, the gifts are hidden in the trunk. Don't forget to drop off the one for Toys for Toddlers. |
| Peter Griffin | All right. Hey, somebody give me a beer. |
| Quagmire | Heads up. |
| Joe Swanson | Yeah, Peter, one of us has to be the designated driver. And I've already had four eggnogs. So I guess you're it. |
| Peter Griffin | That's a good one, Joe. Way to get into the spirit. |
| Joe Swanson | I'm a cop first and a buddy second. So don't think I wouldn't throw your drunk-driving ass in the slammer! All right, let's a-wassail! |
| Lois Griffin | Stewie, honey, time for bed. You have a big day tomorrow, baby Jesus. |
| Stewie Griffin | Trust me, woman, if I could walk on water, I would stroll you out to the middle of a lake and hold you under till the bubbles stopped! |
| Lois Griffin | Someone's being naughty, not nice. You know, Santa's watching you. |
| Stewie Griffin | What the devil do you mean, "watching"? |
| Lois Griffin | Well, honey, Santa's making a list and checking it twice. |
| Meg Griffin | He sees you when you're sleeping. |
| Chris Griffin | And he knows when you're awake. I almost caught him last year. But he's magic! |
| Stewie Griffin | Constant surveillance of every child on Earth? Impossible! Unless... Hidden cameras. Oh, very clever. Watching to see if I'm naughty, are you? Well, check this twice! |
| Joe Swanson | Rock on! |
| All | [Drunken muttering] |
| Quagmire | Hey, guys. Check me out! |
| Quagmire | [Wailing] |
| [Dog whimpering] |
| Joe Swanson | [Grunting] |
| Joe Swanson | [Nervous struggling] |
| Joe Swanson | [Screaming] |
| Joe Swanson | Oh, no! I've broken my legs! |
| Peter Griffin | That's as funny as Sinbad. Not the comedian, he's hilarious. The sailor. But then again, he was never meant to be funny. Now come on. I gotta go to freakin' Toys for Toddlers. |
| Cleveland | Sounds like somebody's got a humbug up his butt. |
| Quagmire | Maybe we should set him up with another lemon snow cone? |
| Peter Griffin | No, thanks. The last one you gave me didn't taste like lemon! It tasted like... You guys are asses! |
| Santa | I knew you were awake. |
| Stewie Griffin | You! |
| [Tense instrumental music] |
| Santa | Now, Stewie, you are in my power. |
| Stewie Griffin | No, damn you! Let me go! |
| Santa | Good, Melvin. Nice work, Woodrow. Excellent, Stewie. |
| [Sinister instrumental music] |
| Stewie Griffin | It was just a dream. I needn't fear this Santa. If he were truly omnipotent, he'd have the testicular fortitude to show himself! |
| Stewie Griffin | See? I'm just barking at the dark. No one here but me. |
| Stewie Griffin | [Humming] |
| Stewie Griffin | All right, where is it? Where's the wire? Show yourself, Claus! |
| Lois Griffin | Stewie, go to sleep! |
| Stewie Griffin | This doesn't involve you, Lois! |
| Lois Griffin | I don't want to have to come in there. |
| Stewie Griffin | I don't want to have to come in there! |
| Meg Griffin | Dad's awake. |
| Peter Griffin | Don't bother whispering. I don't have a hangover. |
| Brian Griffin | It's a Christmas miracle! |
| Peter Griffin | Shouldn't you have your sweater on? |
| Brian Griffin | [Groaning] |
| Lois Griffin | That's for letting Joe join in your reindeer games. Now you go relax while I make my little Christmas angel a big stack of pancakes. |
| Peter Griffin | If I'm sleeping, just stuff 'em in my mouth and rub my throat. |
| Lois Griffin | Just one more thing. |
| Peter Griffin | Lois! |
| Lois Griffin | I need you to take the presents out of the trunk. |
| Brian Griffin | Aren't you gonna do it? |
| Peter Griffin | It's already done. I dropped them all off at Toys for Toddlers last night. |
| Brian Griffin | All? Peter, only one gift was for charity. The rest were for the family. |
| Peter Griffin | No. The rest were "from" the family. Weren't they? Oh, crap. Since when did they change the meaning of "for" to "from"? |
| Brian Griffin | They had a meeting about it last night. |
| Peter Griffin | Why wasn't I told? |
| Brian Griffin | They sent you a card. But it said "For Peter" on it. So you must've thought it was "from" you, so you didn't... You know, it's just easier to call you stupid. |
| Brian Griffin | You're gonna take back donated gifts on Christmas Eve? |
| Peter Griffin | Yep. Now here's the plan. |
| Peter Griffin | You'll enter through the air conditioning duct here. There'll be an invisible laser grid three inches above the floor. So you'll have to compress your body to the size of a household sponge and slide underneath like some kind of weird amphibious dolphin. |
| Brian Griffin | Can I buy some pot from you? |
| Hick Mother | What you want? |
| Hicks | [Hollering] |
| Peter Griffin | So you understand all these gifts were supposed to be for my family. It was just some crazy mix-up. |
| Hick Mother | Kill 'em. |
| Hick Father | [Pumps shotgun] |
| Peter Griffin | No. It's true. You see, that remote control cow was for my son. And those barrettes were for my daughter. And... Hey, where's my VCR? |
| Hick Child 1 | Dang it, Buck. It's my turn to use the sex box! |
| Buck | It's my sex box! And her name is "Sony." |
| Lois Griffin | You gave away all the presents? |
| Peter Griffin | Lois, if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, you brought glad tidings to a family less fortunate than your own. |
| Peter Griffin | You mean you're not mad? |
| Lois Griffin | Well, I am little irritated that I have to do all the shopping again. But at least some good came out of it. |
| Peter Griffin | So I can drink beer and watch TV? Because KISS Saves Santa is on. |
| Ace | But, Mrs. Claus, who would kidnap Santa? |
| Mrs. Clause | Well, Ace, that's what I want you boys to find out. |
| Gene Simmons | Someone stole Santa? That does not rock! |
| Kiss Member | Easy, Gene. Guys, let's go save Christmas. |
| Kiss Member | To the KISS Copter! |
| North Pole | [Cheering] |
| [Adventurous instrumental music] |
| Lois Griffin | You can watch all the TV you want just as soon as we get back from the mall. |
| Peter Griffin | The mall? On Christmas Eve? |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, I just want this family to have a perfect Christmas. And I need a little help, okay? Brian, my turkey's in the oven. Can you turn it off at 3:00? |
| Brian Griffin | No problem. |
| Lois Griffin | We'll shop, come home, eat, and then it's off to the pageant to see our little Stewie play baby Jesus. |
| Stewie Griffin | Oh, yes, yes. By all means, turn me into a child star. Perhaps I can move to Cal-i-for-ni-a and wrangle me a three-way with the Olsen twins. |
| [Brakes squeaking] |
| Lois Griffin | There's a spot! |
| [Tires screeching] |
| Peter Griffin | Screw this. |
| Lois Griffin | Okay, Peter. We'll each take half the list to save time. Kids, why don't you take Stewie to see Santa? |
| Stewie Griffin | Santa? |
| [Menacing instrumental music] |
| Stewie Griffin | No, it's not possible! Sitting alone in this public setting? No bullet-proof glass? Claus, you make it too easy. Change me! I've leaked through my ski pants and I won't face him wet! |
| TV | We now return to Bob Hope's Christmas with the Troops. |
| Bob Hope | It's good to see you Union boys. I would've been here sooner. But Lincoln gave me the wrong "Gettysburg Address." How about this having to sit still for 60 seconds to have your picture taken? |
| Peter Griffin | Sweet! It's KISS Saves Santa. |
| Kiss Member | Hang on, Santa. We're coming. |
| Santa | Hurry, boys. The eggs are hatching! |
| Kiss Member | What do we do? |
| Gene Simmons | Wait a second. Everyone knows pterodactyls can't stand the screech of a guitar! |
| [Heavy metal guitar] |
| Gene Simmons | It's working! |
| Kiss Member | Hey, Santa, be careful! |
| Kiss Member | Oh, no! |
| Kiss Member | Hang on, Santa! |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, I was watching that! |
| Clerk | It'll be on next Christmas. |
| Peter Griffin | Who the hell knows when that's gonna be? |
| [Oven timer dings] |
| [Dramatic instrumental music] |
| Brian Griffin | [Gasping] |
| Brian Griffin | If I was an oven mitt... |
| [Smoke detector ringing] |
| Brian Griffin | Damn it, Peter! |
| Santa | Ho, ho, ho. And what can I bring you this year? |
| Stewie Griffin | A peace offering is it? Very well, what say you trim those gin-soaked whiskers and bring me some plutonium? |
| Santa | Can you be a good boy? |
| Stewie Griffin | Your inquiry intrigues me. Can any of us be a good boy? Are our primal urges innate or the result of the choices we make? |
| Santa | Okay. Wrap it up, kid. |
| Stewie Griffin | All right, Kringle! |
| Stewie Griffin | If the reward is plutonium, then your wager is accepted. I will be "nice." |
| Santa | Good boy! Now smile for the camera. |
| Stewie Griffin | Yes. Smile, like a good boy. |
| [Dramatic instrumental music] |
| Brian Griffin | [Groaning] |
| Peter Griffin | Meg's barrettes. |
| Old Woman | You mean, Julie's barrettes! |
| Peter Griffin | You still want 'em, you bony old blue hair? |
| Old Woman | Tittie twister! Hurts! |
| [Dramatic instrumental music] |
| Peter Griffin | All the clown fish and yellow tangs in the world can't help you now. |
| Peter Griffin | That's it? Fish food? That's your ace in the hole? |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, God! |
| Brian Griffin | Turkey! |
| [Valve squeaking] |
| Brian Griffin | [Screaming] |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, Lois, it was horrible. The fish were jumping all over my eyes and in my nose. On the way out, I think one of them muttered something anti-Semitic. |
| Lois Griffin | We're almost home, honey. Oh, look. There's the star on the town Christmas tree. We're following it home just like the Three Wise Men. |
| Wise Man 2 | So, what did you get him? |
| Wise Man 1 | Gold. |
| Wise Man 2 | Gold? |
| Wise Man 2 | I thought we agreed on a $5 limit here? |
| Wise Man 3 | Yeah. I just got him a crappy little bottle of myrrh. |
| Wise Man 2 | Hello! Frankincense! You always do this! |
| Wise Man 1 | Okay, okay. Look, we'll put everything together and put all our names on it. |
| Wise Man 2 | No! |
| Wise Man 1 | Yes! |
| Wise Man 2 | No! You can't… |
| Lois Griffin | [Gasping] |
| Lois Griffin | Oh, my God! Brian, are you okay? |
| Chris Griffin | I told you we should've left cookies for Santa. |
| Peter Griffin | [Hollering] |
| Peter Griffin | My couch! My TV! What the hell did you do? |
| Brian Griffin | Me? Who the hell buys a novelty fire extinguisher? |
| Peter Griffin | I'll tell you who. Someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his whole family at serious risk. |
| Lois Griffin | Boys, please. It's Christmas Eve. This is a night for magic, and wonder, and joy. Okay, so a couple of things have gone wrong. But we can still have a great Christmas. |
| Peter Griffin | [Sighing] You know, I was this close to losing it. But your mom's right. |
| Lois Griffin | Well, sure I am. Meg, honey, get me some paper towels. Let's lose the bad tidings, clean up this mess, and find that holiday cheer. |
| All | [Muttering in agreement] |
| Meg Griffin | We're out of paper towels. |
| Lois Griffin | No paper towels? [Screaming] |
| Peter Griffin | I was gonna pick at that. |
| Lois Griffin | Shut your fat mouth! You all think Christmas just happens? You think all this goodwill just falls from the freakin' sky? Well, it doesn't! It falls out of my holly jolly butt! You can cook your own damn turkey and wrap your own damn presents! And while you're at it, you can all ride a one-horse open sleigh to hell! [Screaming] [Panting maniacally] |
| Meg Griffin | Here's the paper towels. |
| George Bailey | I changed my mind! Clarence, I want to live again! [Screaming] |
| [Jolly instrumental music] |
| Frosty the Snowman | I guess there's some magic in that old silk hat. |
| Lois Griffin | [snarling] |
| Kids | Merry Christmas! |
| Frosty the Snowman | Easy, lady. |
| Lois Griffin | You want some of this! [Mindless cackling] |
| Frosty the Snowman | What the hell is her problem? |
| Kid | Frosty, let it go! |
| Frosty the Snowman | Just a second. Lady, you got something to say to me? |
| Kid | Yeah. All he did was wish you a Merry Christmas. |
| Lois Griffin | Wish? It's easy to wish. But does anyone take responsibility and make it happen? No! You all expect someone else to do it for you like Santy Claus or Mommy! |
| Frosty the Snowman | [Screaming] What the... |
| Frosty the Snowman | Take it off! |
| [Eerie instrumental music] |
| Lois Griffin | Must kill star. |
| Chris Griffin | Dad, what happened to Mom? What if she never comes back? |
| Peter Griffin | The bigger question is if this is the way she's gonna act at Christmas do we even want her back? |
| Stewie Griffin | Which is better? Around the waist or off the shoulder? Waist? Shoulder? |
| Lois Griffin | Stewie, I thought you didn't want to be in the pageant. |
| Stewie Griffin | Oh, Megan, Santa would think it terribly naughty of me not to fulfill my obligation to Mother. You know how much the pageant means to her. |
| Chris Griffin | Where do you think she is? |
| Peter Griffin | Well, thank God years ago I planted a homing device in your mother's skull for just such an occasion. |
| [Beeping] |
| Peter Griffin | I forgot. I also put 'em in a bunch of squirrels. This won't do us any good. May as well see if she's at the pageant. |
| Lois Griffin | You lied to me. |
| Meg Griffin | Oh, my God! There's Mom! |
| Peter Griffin | Hi, Lois! Hey, do we look like ants down here? |
| Lois Griffin | Bite me! |
| Peter Griffin | Peter, great time last night. Don't worry. We'll get Lois down. |
| Sniper | Locked and loaded. |
| Meg Griffin | Wait. You can't shoot my mom! |
| Joe Swanson | Don't worry, kid. It's just a mild sedative. Go! |
| Peter Griffin | All right, hang on. |
| Peter Griffin | Lois is only up there because we sucked the Christmas spirit right out of her. Maybe if she sees the pageant it'll bring her around. Give her a chance. |
| Brian Griffin | Trust him, Joe. This man has seen every Christmas special ever made. |
| Joe Swanson | Are you wearing a girl's sweater? |
| Brian Griffin | Does that really matter? |
| Joe Swanson | You got 10 minutes. |
| Peter Griffin | Lights, please. |
| Peter Griffin | As we all know, Christmas is that mystical time of year when the ghost of Jesus rises from the grave to feed on the flesh of the living. So we all sing Christmas carols to lull him back to sleep. |
| Bob | Outrageous! How dare he say such blasphemy! I've gotta do something! |
| Man | Bob, there's nothing you can do. |
| Bob | [Sighing] Well, I guess I'll just have to develop a sense of humor. |
| Bonnie Swanson | I am the Virgin Mary. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Oh, Our Savior has arrived. |
| Stewie Griffin | Good evening. I am playing the role of Jesus. A man once portrayed on the big screen by Jeffrey Hunter. You may remember him as the actor who was replaced by William Shatner on Star Trek. Apparently Mr. Hunter was good enough to die for our sins but not quite up to the task of seducing green women. |
| Stewie Griffin | Anyhoo, the perennial dictum is to spread goodwill towards all men. The irony of course is that this is contrary to our nature. So why do we do it? Because we are being watched! And so we unselfishly think of others, assured that our good behavior will be rewarded with love and plutonium. |
| Peter Griffin | She's not getting it. Okay, boys, take her down. |
| Peter Griffin | Merry Christmas, buddy. |
| Brian Griffin | Wonder what this could be? |
| Chris Griffin | This Christmas rocks! |
| Meg Griffin | Mom, Stewie's opening his gifts. Mom? |
| Peter Griffin | It's okay, Meg. Your mom's just full of Christmas cheer and enough tranquilizer to bring down a bull elephant. Honey, you got a little something... You got a little... I'll get it. |
| Stewie Griffin | Hungry Hungry Hippos? Claus, you porcine double-crosser! And to think I was nice. |
| Brian Griffin | You got another one, dude. |
| Stewie Griffin | [Gasping] Plutonium! He is real! He's really, really real! |
| Brian Griffin | Did you get everything you wanted for Christmas? |
| Peter Griffin | You bet. A week's vacation, a new VCR. And best of all, my own copy of KISS Saves Santa. |
| Kiss Member | You just practice that guitar, Santa. Next time we'll let you do a solo. |
| Mrs. Claus | Don't encourage him! |
| Brian Griffin | From all of us at Family Guy... |
| Meg Griffin | ...we wish you Christmas joy. |
| Chris Griffin | May all your wishes now come true... |
| Stewie Griffin | ...for every girl and boy. |
| Peter Griffin | We hope your freakin' holidays are filled with fun and cheer. |
| Peter Griffin | So have a Merry Christmas and... |
| Lois Griffin | [Incomprehensible mumbling] |
| [Theme music] |