| Lois Griffin | [Singing] "It seems today that all you see |
| Lois Griffin | "is violence in movies and sex on TV |
| Peter Griffin | "But where are those good, old-fashioned values |
| Peter Griffin | "on which we used to rely? |
| All | "Lucky there's a family guy |
| All | "Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you |
| All | "all the things that make us |
| Stewie Griffin | "laugh 'n' cry |
| All | "He's a family guy" |
| [Thunder cracking] |
| [Speaking Spanish] |
| [Speaking Spanish] |
| [Frogs croaking] |
| Boy 1 | Dude, the Bronze Age was so much cooler than the Iron Age. |
| Boy 2 | Dude, the Iron Age could kick the Bronze Age's butt any day. |
| Boy 1 | Could not. |
| Boy 2 | Could, too. |
| Boy 1 | Could not! |
| Boy 2 | Gross, man. |
| Boy 2 | You okay? |
| Boy 1 | Whoa! Everything's so significant! |
| Boy 1 | Dude, you gotta try this! |
| Boy 2 | Not even! It's got your germs on it. |
| Boy 1 | Not this end. |
| Boy 2 | I can see the air! And you know what else? |
| Boy 2 | I finally get Aaron Sorkin's Sports Night. |
| Boy 2 | It's a comedy that's too good to be funny. |
| Boy 1 | Dude, you're trippin'. |
| [Psychedelic 60s music] |
| [Cheery music on TV] |
| Announcer | "Double the freshness |
| Announcer | "Life is more fun |
| Announcer | "When you're chewing the great taste of DoubleFresh Gum |
| Announcer | "with DoubleFresh Gum" |
| Stewie Griffin | Hey, we should go to the circus. |
| Diane Simmons | In local news, a new drug craze may have Quahog students licked. |
| Diane Simmons | It's called "Toad." |
| Tom Tucker | The Colombian Spotted Toad, to be precise, Diane. |
| Tom Tucker | When licked, these toads trigger an intense psychedelic euphoria that's just great! |
| Lois Griffin | This is awful. Now the drugs are in the schools? |
| Tom Tucker | For you parents, toad licking is also known as "lily padding" "Frenching the prince, " and "doing Kermit." |
| Lois Griffin | At least our kids know better. |
| Lois Griffin | What the... |
| Chris Griffin | CHRIS: Hello, little sea monkeys. |
| Sea Monkey Daughter | He's back. |
| Sea Monkey Father | Don't look at him, honey. Eat your potatoes. |
| [Echoing thumping] |
| Sea Monkey Mother | Steve, do something. |
| Sea Monkey Father | We've been over this. Let's just pick up our plates and go eat in the hollow castle. |
| Lois Griffin | Young man, where did you get this toad? |
| Chris Griffin | It's not mine! |
| Peter Griffin | Believe me. You don't want to mess with drugs. |
| Peter Griffin | I tried them once. Big mistake. Things got way too real. |
| Peter Griffin | Holy crap! I am freaking out! |
| Brian Griffin | BRIAN: Peter, may I? |
| Brian Griffin | You're walking down a hallway. |
| Brian Griffin | You take a left, you keep walking, you take a right, then a left, brick wall! |
| Brian Griffin | Yeah, he's tweaked. |
| Chris Griffin | Am not! Hey, maybe it's Meg's toad. |
| Lois Griffin | Don't you try to palm this off on your sister. She's a good girl. |
| Chris Griffin | What about the time she strangled our other sister? |
| Lois Griffin | Now, Chris, we told you, that was just a very bad dream. |
| Chris Griffin | But I remember it so... |
| Lois Griffin | It was a dream! |
| Meg Griffin | Can you sign this for my field trip? |
| Lois Griffin | Sure, sweetheart. |
| Lois Griffin | Meg, you have a wart! |
| Lois Griffin | Meg, how could you bring a toad into this house? |
| Meg Griffin | It's not mine. I was just holding it for a friend. |
| Meg Griffin | See, it was lunchtime... |
| Teenage Boy | Okay, Connie. You're up. |
| Meg Griffin | MEG: Connie Demico does toad? |
| Connie Demico | CONNIE: I guess Miss Wears-A-Hat is gonna narc on us, aren't you? |
| Teenage Boy | Mr. Berler's coming! |
| Connie Demico | Man! We are so busted. |
| Meg Griffin | Put it in here. He won't check me. |
| Mr. Berler | All right. What's going on back here? Hello, Megan. Wait a minute. |
| Mr. Berler | You're not part of the popular clique. You run along and play alone somewhere. |
| Mr. Berler | Shame on you all, getting her hopes up like that. |
| Meg Griffin | I thought if I held Connie Demico's toad she'd make a cool guy ask me to the Winter Snow Ball. |
| Lois Griffin | You're holding drugs so someone will invite you to a dance? |
| Lois Griffin | Meg, haven't we taught you better than that? |
| Peter Griffin | Now, hold on. People do a lot of crazy things just to be accepted. |
| Judge 1 | I don't know about this. |
| Judge 2 | We all did it. |
| Judge 3 | If you want to be a Supreme Court Justice, pick up that cherry with your butt and drop it in that beer. |
| Judge 2 | Come on! |
| Judge 3 | Go, Souter! |
| Judges | [Chanting] |
| Judge 3 | JUDGE: Oh, my God! I can't believe he did that! |
| Judge 2 | Go Souter! |
| Judge 3 | I can't believe he did that! |
| Judge 2 | I can't believe he did that! This guy is so in! |
| Lois Griffin | Sweetheart, I'm sure all the boys want to ask you to the dance. |
| Lois Griffin | They're probably just shy or scared. |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah. I was terrified of asking Phoebe Diamond to the prom. |
| Peter Griffin | I finally got up the guts, but I had this damn nervous twitch. |
| Peter Griffin | Phoebe? |
| Pheobe Diamond | Yeah? |
| Peter Griffin | I was wondering if you'd do me the honor of... |
| Peter Griffin | I had such a crush on her. |
| Peter Griffin | Until I met you, Lois. |
| Peter Griffin | You're my silver medal. |
| Boy | Mr. Toad, how many licks of you does it take to get to the center of a Rhode Island State Prison? |
| Announcer | ANNOUNCER: Just one! |
| Lois Griffin | How could this happen? I thought we lived in a nice small town. |
| Peter Griffin | There's no such thing anymore. |
| Peter Griffin | Things are different than when we were kids. |
| Lois Griffin | It just makes me sad. |
| Peter Griffin | It makes me sad, too. But you know. |
| Lois Griffin | I mean, if Meg's at risk, then so is Chris. |
| Lois Griffin | And Stewie'll be in preschool before we know it. |
| Peter Griffin | Well, we just have to trust our kids to stay off drugs, is all. |
| Lois Griffin | I do trust our kids. It's the other kids I don't trust. |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah. I guess it's up to us, as parents to be a part of the solution. I'll talk to the principal tomorrow. |
| Lois Griffin | Thanks, honey. |
| Lois Griffin | The safety word is "banana." |
| Peter Griffin | I love you. |
| Peter Griffin | And that's my plan, Principal Shepherd. So, you with me? |
| Principal Shepard | But you didn't tell me anything. You just sat down and said: |
| Principal Shepard | "And that's my plan." |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, right. Okay, here's my idea. |
| Peter Griffin | And that's my plan, Principal Shepherd. |
| Principal Shepard | Well, Mr. Griffin, I don't like it! |
| [Phone ringing] |
| Principal Shepard | I love it! You have the faculty's full support. |
| Principal Shepard | But how will you pull it off? |
| Peter Griffin | You let me worry about that, kitten. |
| Neil Goldman | [Makes tire-screeching noise] |
| Meg Griffin | Great. |
| Neil Goldman | Hey, Meg. |
| Neil Goldman | What's got four arms, four legs and one set of lips? |
| Neil Goldman | You and me at the Winter Snow Ball. |
| Meg Griffin | Look, Neil, I don't... |
| Meg Griffin | Oh, my God! |
| Meg Griffin | MEG: Dad? |
| Peter Griffin | The reason I'm not responding is because I'm not this "Dad" person. |
| Peter Griffin | I'm the new kid in town. Lando Griffin. |
| Meg Griffin | Are you crazy? What are you doing here? |
| Peter Griffin | If you must know, I've gone undercover to get rid of the toad problem. |
| Peter Griffin | So your school can be safe and innocent like the good ol' days. |
| Girl | Negative B, plus or minus radical B squared, minus 4AC over 2A. |
| Teacher | That's correct. A girl answered a math problem. |
| Teacher | You know what that means. |
| Teacher | A witch! |
| Boy | Witch! |
| Boy | Witch! |
| Meg Griffin | Oh, God! Please tell me I have a brain tumor and this is all just a side effect from the chemo. |
| Meg Griffin | What are you doing in my locker? |
| Man | Your locker? |
| Man | MAN: Say, Phil. What do you say to happy hour after work? |
| Phil | I'd say looks like Cheryl will have another black eye to explain to the neighbors. |
| Man | Come on. I'm buying. |
| Phil | Oh, yeah! |
| Kid | KID: Hey, man. Cool specs. |
| Peter Griffin | Thanks, G. I'm the new kid in town. Lando Griffin. |
| Peter Griffin | No relation. So tell me, home boy how about the baggy clothes we're wearing these days? |
| Peter Griffin | Aren't they phat and stupid and poppin' fresh? |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, does anybody have any drugs? I'm looking to score some drugs. |
| Meg Griffin | Dad, get away from me. Connie Demico is looking. |
| Peter Griffin | So that's Toad Girl? |
| Meg Griffin | MEG: Yeah. |
| Meg Griffin | And that's Connie. |
| Peter Griffin | I see. I'm gonna have a little talk with that Connie. |
| Meg Griffin | Good luck. She only talks to the cool kids. |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, yeah? Watch this. |
| Meg Griffin | No! |
| Peter Griffin | Hey! |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, God! |
| Connie Demico | Cool! He's bleeding! |
| Teenage Boy | Just like in the movies! |
| Peter Griffin | Holy crap! It's The Breakfast Club. |
| Tony the Tiger | You know what I got for Christmas? |
| Tony the Tiger | It was a banner freakin' year at the Tiger house. |
| Tony the Tiger | A carton of cigarettes. The old man grabbed me. |
| Tony the Tiger | "Hey, smoke up, Tony. They're great!" |
| Tony the Tiger | Bastard. |
| Connie Demico | Hey, Lando. |
| Connie Demico | CONNIE: Everyone's talking about how you trashed the jukebox. Classic cool. |
| Connie Demico | We're gonna do some toad. You in? |
| Peter Griffin | You're gonna do toad? |
| Teenage Boy | What's the big deal? |
| Peter Griffin | Let me tell you about it, stud. |
| Peter Griffin | [Singing] "You'll get chills all through your body |
| Peter Griffin | "And you'll lose all control |
| Peter Griffin | "of your bladder and your sphincter |
| Peter Griffin | "That's your butt-hole! |
| Peter Griffin | "'Cause if you use toad |
| Peter Griffin | "then I'm telling you |
| Peter Griffin | "you can kiss your life good-bye |
| Peter Griffin | "Yeah, when you use toad |
| Peter Griffin | "it'll mess you up |
| Peter Griffin | "It'll make your mama cry, that's no lie |
| Peter Griffin | "You'll choke on your tongue and die |
| Peter Griffin | "Gotta give it up |
| Peter Griffin | "Give up the toad now |
| Peter Griffin | "It's no joke, buddy |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: "Give it up |
| Kids | KIDS: "Gotta give up the toad now |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: "Or you'll croak, buddy |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: "Give it up |
| Kids | KIDS: "Gotta give up the toad now |
| Peter Griffin | "And don't smoke or you'll see |
| Peter Griffin | "it hurts to pee |
| Peter Griffin | "There'll be blood gushing from you |
| Peter Griffin | "every time that you cough |
| Peter Griffin | "And forget getting lucky |
| Peter Griffin | "It falls off |
| Peter Griffin | "You better wise up |
| Peter Griffin | "because I'm telling you |
| Peter Griffin | "toad is what Lando forbids |
| Peter Griffin | "Gotta give it all up |
| Peter Griffin | "or you're gonna see |
| Peter Griffin | "your whole life will hit the skids |
| Peter Griffin | "and your kids will be born without eyelids |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: "Gotta give it up |
| Kids | KIDS: "Give up the toad now |
| Kids | "Thanks to you, Lando |
| Peter Griffin | "Give it up |
| Peter Griffin | "Give up the toad now |
| Kids | KIDS: "Thanks to you, Lando |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: "Give it up |
| Kids | KIDS: "Gotta give up the toad now |
| Peter Griffin | "I'm no fool |
| Peter Griffin | "Lando's cool" |
| All | ALL: Yeah! |
| Teenage Boy | You're the coolest, Lando! |
| Teenage Boy 2 | Yeah. We never spontaneously broke into song and dance before. |
| Connie Demico | I'll never touch another toad again. None of us will. |
| Kids | KIDS: Yeah. |
| Meg Griffin | I know I won't. |
| Connie Demico | You never did it in the first place! God, you're such a wannabe loser. |
| Meg Griffin | Oh, yeah? If I'm such a loser how come I'm going to the Winter Snow Ball with Lando? |
| Peter Griffin | Meg, you got a date? Wait till I tell your mother who I'm looking forward to meeting and I hope is making steakums tonight. |
| Teenage Boy | Hey, Meg, wanna ditch and go to the mall? |
| Meg Griffin | Sure. See you, Lando. |
| Peter Griffin | This is great. Not only did I live long enough to see Meg go to her first dance, but I'm taking her, too. |
| Peter Griffin | Thanks, Geritol. |
| Meg Griffin | MEG: And they swore they'd never do toad again. |
| Chris Griffin | Dad never came to sing at my school. I don't want dessert! |
| Peter Griffin | I tell you, Lois, high school's a lot more fun this time around. |
| Peter Griffin | It's a lot safer now that all the kids have guns. |
| Peter Griffin | And today in study hall, I farted real loud on purpose to make the guys laugh. |
| Peter Griffin | And I swear, it was so heinous, Susie Johnson ralphed up her steak. |
| Stewie Griffin | I'm sorry! |
| Stewie Griffin | Is this really proper dinner conversation? |
| Lois Griffin | I'm glad you taught those kids they don't have to do drugs to be popular. |
| Meg Griffin | He sure did. Who needs drugs when you're going to the dance with the coolest guy? |
| Meg Griffin | Going with Dad is gonna skyrocket me up the popularity food chain! |
| Stewie Griffin | It's true. Soon, members of the Math Club will attach themselves to your belly for transportation. |
| Lois Griffin | Wait a minute. You can't take Meg to a school dance. |
| Lois Griffin | How long do you think you can keep up this charade, anyway? |
| Meg Griffin | Just till Friday. Please, Mom? |
| Lois Griffin | Well, if this is what you want. |
| [Phone ringing] |
| Peter Griffin | It's probably Connie calling for me. |
| Meg Griffin | Hello? |
| Meg Griffin | Oh, yeah. Hold on. |
| Meg Griffin | It's for Lando. |
| Peter Griffin | Aloha. No way! |
| Peter Griffin | Hold on. I'm gonna take this in the other room. |
| Peter Griffin | I got it! |
| Peter Griffin | Hang up! |
| Stewie Griffin | You know, this could almost have passed for a palatable banana pudding. |
| Stewie Griffin | But without Nilla Wafers it's just another one of your wretched, culinary abortions! |
| Stewie Griffin | Now clean it up! |
| Meg Griffin | I don't think so. |
| Meg Griffin | Neil, I'm a little out of your league. Besides, I'm going with Lando. |
| Neil Goldman | Really? Because my underground sources inform me that Lando is taking Connie Demico. |
| Meg Griffin | What? |
| Meg Griffin | MEG: Hey, I thought you were taking me to the dance! |
| Peter Griffin | Something suddenly came up. |
| Lois Griffin | How could you do this to Meg? |
| Peter Griffin | Not now. I gotta write a book report on Oliver Twist. |
| Stewie Griffin | "Oliver Twit" if you ask me. |
| Stewie Griffin | I would have done things rather differently. |
| Stewie Griffin | Please, sir. I want some more. |
| Man | What? |
| Stewie Griffin | Please, sir. I want some more. |
| Man | More? |
| Stewie Griffin | All right! Stop it! Stop it right there! |
| Stewie Griffin | Now go on! Fill up the bowl! Go on! |
| Stewie Griffin | That's it. Now put on this dress. |
| Stewie Griffin | Put it on! |
| Stewie Griffin | Now dance! |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, Brian, the guy who wrote this his name, Charles Dickens. |
| Lois Griffin | I want an explanation, mister. |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, Connie pulled a power move. |
| Peter Griffin | When the most popular girl in school asks you to the dance, you don't say no. |
| Peter Griffin | You say, okay. |
| Lois Griffin | I just can't understand why you dumped your own daughter for Connie Demico. |
| Brian Griffin | BRIAN: Lois, it's simple transference. |
| Brian Griffin | See, to Peter, Connie Demico is really Phoebe Diamond. |
| Brian Griffin | The popular girl when he was in school. |
| Peter Griffin | My God, Lois! I think he's right. |
| Peter Griffin | When I'm trying to speed things up in bed, I'm not thinking of Connie, but Phoebe. |
| Lois Griffin | This whole thing is ridiculous! |
| Lois Griffin | I forbid you from going to that dance! |
| Peter Griffin | You can't tell me what to do. You're not my real mom! |
| Lois Griffin | End of discussion! |
| Peter Griffin | Thank you for ruining my life! |
| Peter Griffin | You don't remember what it's like to be my age! |
| Lois Griffin | I'm two years younger than you! |
| Peter Griffin | I hate you! |
| Peter Griffin | Greg Allman, how did you handle it when life got you down? |
| Greg Allman | Me? |
| Greg Allman | I did a lot of drugs, married some broad named Cher. |
| Greg Allman | I wouldn't recommend either one of them. |
| Peter Griffin | I gotta fight for my right to party! |
| Peter Griffin | Thanks, Spider-Man. |
| Spider-Man | SPIDER-MAN: Everybody gets one. |
| Lois Griffin | Sweetie? |
| Meg Griffin | You married a total jerk. |
| Lois Griffin | Honey, he didn't mean to hurt you. |
| Lois Griffin | And you know, you could still go to the dance. |
| Meg Griffin | Alone? Why don't I just tattoo a big "L" on my forehead while I'm at it? |
| Lois Griffin | Now, Meg, you know my feelings on tattoos. |
| Lois Griffin | If you stay home, you're just proving to the other kids you don't belong there. |
| Meg Griffin | Yeah. |
| Lois Griffin | And you might have a really good time. I'll tell you one thing I still regret not going to my junior dance. |
| Lois Griffin | But, Daddy, if you don't do what they say, they'll kill me! |
| Carter Pewterschmidt | Sorry. You know we don't negotiate with kidnappers. Family policy. |
| Lois Griffin | Daddy, no! Please! |
| Carter Pewterschmidt | She'll be all right. |
| Lois Griffin | Come on. What do you say? |
| Meg Griffin | Well, I do have that really slutty dress you hate. |
| Mr. Demico | So, Lando how old did you say you were again? |
| Peter Griffin | Seventeen. |
| Peter Griffin | And a half. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Sweet statutory! You look beautiful. |
| Peter Griffin | Don't worry. I'll take good care of your kid. |
| Peter Griffin | I got a daughter of my own, you know. |
| [Machine starts playing] |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Please leave the light off. I don't want to be seen right now. |
| Lois Griffin | I imagine you wouldn't, the way you've been acting. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: I thought you might say something like that. |
| Lois Griffin | Well, you do have it coming. |
| Lois Griffin | Anyway, I convinced Meg to go to the dance. |
| Lois Griffin | So I'm gonna go drop her off. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Please don't yell, Lois. I've learned my lesson. |
| Lois Griffin | I wasn't yelling. I was just saying... |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: You would bring that up. |
| Peter Griffin | Can't you leave the past where it belongs? |
| Lois Griffin | What's wrong with you? |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: I've already explained that to you! It was a scavenger hunt! |
| Lois Griffin | What the hell is going on here? |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: If you still haven't discovered I'm gone please flip the tape over to side B. |
| [80s pop music playing] |
| Connie Demico | Nice moves, Lando. |
| Principal Shepard | Okay, everyone. The votes are in. |
| Principal Shepard | This year's King and Queen are Lando Griffin and Connie Demico! |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, my goodness! |
| Peter Griffin | Hold it! |
| Peter Griffin | I can't be your king. |
| Peter Griffin | I have a confession. |
| Peter Griffin | I've been living a lie. I shouldn't be here with Connie. |
| Peter Griffin | My first choice was Meg Griffin. |
| Meg Griffin | What? |
| Peter Griffin | Meg Griffin! She's right over there in the back. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: No, to the left. No, you had it. No, go back. |
| Peter Griffin | Jeez, got a freakin' monkey working the spotlight! |
| Peter Griffin | To the right, genius. There. Stop! |
| Peter Griffin | That's my dream girl. I'm not good enough for her and she dumped me. So now, heartbroken I will ride recklessly into the night and up Dead Man's Curve. |
| Peter Griffin | Good-bye, Meg. I love you. |
| [Jazzy 50s music playing] |
| Boy | Meg, want to dance? |
| Boy 2 | I was here first. Meg, dance with me? |
| [80s pop music continues] |
| Peter Griffin | Neil, would you... |
| Neil Goldman | I would be honored. |
| Meg Griffin | Thanks. |
| Tom Tucker | TOM: In other news, Lando Griffin, a popular student at a local high school was killed last night when his motorbike careened off Dead Man's Curve. |
| Tom Tucker | Police were baffled when no body was found at the scene. |
| Tom Tucker | But they decided it best not to ask questions and let everyone get on with their lives. |
| Lois Griffin | I'm so proud of you. |
| Meg Griffin | Oh, Daddy, thank you so much. |
| Meg Griffin | I was the most popular girl at the dance. |
| Peter Griffin | Anything for you, sweetheart. |
| Meg Griffin | Well, I'm off to popularity! Ciao. |
| Peter Griffin | God, I hate that manly walk of hers. |
| [80s pop music playing] |
| [Theme music] |