| Lois Griffin | [Singing] "It seems today that all you see |
| Lois Griffin | "is violence in movies and sex on TV |
| Peter Griffin | "But where are those good, old-fashioned values |
| Peter Griffin | "on which we used to rely? |
| All | "Lucky there's a family guy |
| All | "Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you |
| All | "all the things that make us |
| Stewie Griffin | "laugh 'n' cry |
| All | "He's a family guy" |
| Chris Griffin | Dad, can you help me with my math? |
| Chris Griffin | Mr. Shackleford says if I don't learn it, I won't function in the real world. |
| Man | What you gotta do is go down the road past the old Johnson place. |
| Man | You're gonna find two roads, one parallel and one perpendicular. |
| Man | Keep going until you come to a highway that bisects it at a 45 degree angle. |
| Man | Solve for x. |
| Peter Griffin | Math. |
| Peter Griffin | Math, my dear boy, is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology. |
| [Knocking] |
| Doug | Hello, sir. |
| Peter Griffin | Enough with the foreplay. What are you selling? |
| Doug | Well, I was gonna try to sell you some "handsome cream" but I can see you already bought out the store! |
| Peter Griffin | Go on. |
| Doug | Perhaps you'd be interested in something every homeowner cannot be without. |
| Doug | Volcano insurance! |
| Peter Griffin | Go on. |
| Doug | According to my uncle, who's a real whiz with volcanoes a volcano is coming this way! |
| Peter Griffin | PETER [Thinking]: I, too, have an uncle. |
| Peter Griffin | Come in. |
| Peter Griffin | How much is this volcano insurance? |
| Doug | I don't know. Let's say, $200. |
| Peter Griffin | $200? That's more than I spent on all that handsome cream. |
| Peter Griffin | I don't have that kind of money! |
| Doug | What about that jar of money? |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: No way! That's Lois' rainy day fund. |
| Doug | Come on, it never rains in Rhode Island. |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah, but I'm pretty sure we've never had a volcano either. |
| Doug | Well, don't you think we're overdue for one? |
| Peter Griffin | Touch |
| Stewie Griffin | [Stewie snoring] |
| Stewie Griffin | [Gasping] |
| Stewie Griffin | What the hell are you doing? |
| Meg Griffin | Watching you sleep, cutie pie. |
| Stewie Griffin | Why you sick, sick little moo cow. |
| Stewie Griffin | Well, you shall watch no more! |
| Lois Griffin | Stewie! |
| Meg Griffin | My glasses! |
| Meg Griffin | I can't see a thing without my glasses! |
| Meg Griffin | Why won't you let me get laser surgery? |
| Lois Griffin | Because I don't think it's safe. |
| Luke Skywalker | I just need to make a quick incision here and we should be all done, Mrs. Wilson. |
| Obi-Wan Kenobi | Luke, use the force. |
| Luke Skywalker | Really? I was just gonna make... |
| Obi-Wan Kenobi | Luke, use the force. |
| Luke Skywalker | Okay! |
| Woman | [Screaming] |
| Luke Skywalker | Are you happy? |
| Obi-Wan Kenobi | I've never been happy. |
| Lois Griffin | Don't worry, honey. We'll get you a new pair tomorrow. |
| Stewie Griffin | In the meantime, here's a little vision test. |
| Stewie Griffin | STEWIE: What is this? A poopie or a Toblerone? |
| Announcer | ANNOUNCER: We now return to Girlfriends on Lifetime. |
| Woman 1 | Barry was over last night. |
| Woman 2 | Don't tell me. |
| Both | BOTH: He left the toilet seat up! |
| [Audience laughing] |
| Woman 1 | I ran into Frank. |
| Woman 1 | It's funny. He fought in Vietnam, he's an exorcist but there is one thing that terrifies him. |
| Both | BOTH: Commitment! |
| [Audience laughing] |
| Woman 1 | Midge, you're my third best friend in the whole world. |
| Woman 2 | Third? Who are the first two? |
| Woman 1 | Ben and Jerry. |
| [Audience laughing] |
| Announcer | ANNOUNCER: Lifetime, television for idiots. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, did you take the money from the family jar? |
| Peter Griffin | Who, me? Yes, me. Couldn't be. Then who? |
| Peter Griffin | Yes, I did it. I bought us volcano insurance. |
| Lois Griffin | Volcano insurance? That's ridiculous. |
| Peter Griffin | That's the same thing you said when you talked me out of cloud insurance. |
| Peter Griffin | Look at them up there just plotting, picking their moment. |
| Cloud 1 | So, Bill. |
| Cloud 1 | We attack tomorrow. |
| Cloud 2 | Yes, tomorrow. |
| Cloud 1 | I mean it this time. |
| Cloud 2 | I do, too! |
| Lois Griffin | That was our emergency money and your daughter needs a new pair of glasses. |
| Peter Griffin | Lois, no one really needs glasses. |
| Lois Griffin | You wear glasses. |
| Peter Griffin | That's only to fool the man from the draft board. |
| Lois Griffin | I can't believe you squandered that money! |
| Lois Griffin | I swear, sometimes I feel like I'm married to a child. |
| Peter Griffin | What can I say about my beautiful bride except milk, milk, lemonade. Around the corner, fudge is made! |
| Peter Griffin | You better watch who you call a child because if I'm a child then you're a pedophile! |
| Peter Griffin | I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and be lectured by a pervert! |
| Peter Griffin | Can you believe it? Lois thinks I'm bad with money. |
| Cleveland | She's got a point, Peter. |
| Cleveland | You're the white version of a black guy who's not good with his money. |
| Quagmire | Hey, guys and dolls! Drinks are on do-re-me! |
| Peter Griffin | Where'd you get that? |
| Quagmire | This loot's thanks to my stockbroker, lan Greenstein. |
| Quagmire | He made some smart investments that really paid off. |
| Quagmire | That guy is to money what Miss Ann Margaret is to... |
| Quagmire | [Makes squeaky bed noises] |
| Cleveland | Let me buy the drinks, Quagmire. |
| Cleveland | My accountant, Larry Rosenblat, just got me a huge tax refund and tickets to Bring In 'Da Noise, Bring In 'Da Funk. |
| Cleveland | The noise was good, but I thought they phoned in a lot of the funk. |
| Peter Griffin | Wait a second. Rosenblat? Greenstein? |
| Peter Griffin | So I need a Jewish guy to handle my money? |
| Cleveland | Peter, not every Jewish person is good with money. |
| Peter Griffin | Well, I guess not the retarded ones. But why would you even say that? |
| Peter Griffin | For shock value? |
| Peter Griffin | There's "edgy" and there's "offensive." Good day, sir! |
| Lois Griffin | Mother, you know how I hate asking for money. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter's an excellent provider. |
| Lois Griffin | No, Mother, I do not think I'd be better off married to a chimp. |
| Lois Griffin | I don't care how well that chimp across the street is doing. |
| Lois Griffin | Really? |
| Lois Griffin | Well, okay. I guess you can tell him I said hi. |
| Lois Griffin | But don't make me sound desperate! |
| Peter Griffin | I gotta get a Greenstein or a Rosenblat of my very own. |
| Peter Griffin | [Singing] "Nothing else has worked so far |
| Peter Griffin | "So I'll wish upon a star |
| Peter Griffin | "Wondrous dancing speck of light |
| Peter Griffin | "I need a Jew |
| Peter Griffin | "Lois makes me take the rap |
| Peter Griffin | "because our checkbook looks like crap |
| Peter Griffin | "Since I can't give her a slap |
| Peter Griffin | "I need a Jew |
| Peter Griffin | "Where to find |
| Peter Griffin | "a Baum, or Stein, or Stein |
| Peter Griffin | "to teach me how to whine and do my |
| Peter Griffin | "taxes" |
| [UFO whirring] |
| [Adventurous instrumental music] |
| Peter Griffin | "Though by many they're abhorred |
| Peter Griffin | "Hebrew people I've adored |
| Peter Griffin | "Even though they killed my Lord |
| Peter Griffin | "I need |
| Peter Griffin | "a Jew" |
| [Knocking] |
| Max Weinstein | Hi. My name's Max Weinstein. My car just broke down. May I use your phone? |
| Peter Griffin | "Now my troubles are all through |
| Peter Griffin | "I have |
| Peter Griffin | "a Jew" |
| Max Weinstein | Hey! |
| Peter Griffin | I prayed for you, Max Weinstein, and here you are. |
| Max Weinstein | Okay. |
| Max Weinstein | Thanks for letting me use the phone. |
| Peter Griffin | Thanks for Spaceballs. |
| Max Weinstein | MAX: If there's anything I can do for you... |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: You can't leave! |
| [Dramatic instrumental music] |
| Max Weinstein | What do you want? |
| Peter Griffin | Financial advice. |
| Max Weinstein | Financial advice? How did you know I'm an accountant? |
| Peter Griffin | Hello! Max Weinstein? |
| Max Weinstein | MAX: I'll try, but I don't know why you think I can get your money. |
| Peter Griffin | Max, let's not deny our heritages. |
| Peter Griffin | You're Jewish, you're good with money. |
| Peter Griffin | I'm Irish, I drink, and I ban homosexuals from marching in my parade. |
| Peter Griffin | Help me get my money back. |
| Doug | It's you. |
| Doug | [Stammering] |
| Doug | I'm not in right now. |
| Doug | Please leave a message. Beep! |
| Peter Griffin | I hate these things. |
| Peter Griffin | Hi, this is Peter Griffin. I'm sorry I missed you. |
| Max Weinstein | Play with this. |
| Max Weinstein | Sir, I have reviewed this contract, and it offers no coverage at all. |
| Max Weinstein | It just says "volcano insurance" over and over again and down here in small print it says: |
| Max Weinstein | "He's signing it. He's signing it. I can't believe it." |
| Doug | SALESMAN: So? |
| Max Weinstein | MAX: Refund his money and we'll go. |
| Doug | I don't have your money! |
| Max Weinstein | How about that money? |
| Doug | SALESMAN: No way! That's Lois' rainy day fund! |
| Doug | Damn it! |
| [Laugh track on TV] |
| Jerry Seinfeld | You couldn't date her because she was a tickler. |
| George Costanza | A tickler. |
| Jerry Seinfeld | You're not a stickler for a tickler. |
| George Costanza | Not a stickler for a tickler. |
| Jerry Seinfeld | Not a tickler stickler. |
| George Costanza | Not a tickler stickler. |
| Both | [Absurd babbling] |
| Brian Griffin | Where the hell is the remote? |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, honey, guess what? I got back the money for Meg's glasses. |
| Lois Griffin | Really? Oh, honey. |
| Lois Griffin | Hello. |
| Peter Griffin | This is my special friend, Max Weinstein. He's Jewish. |
| Lois Griffin | My, how exotic. |
| Max Weinstein | Thank you? |
| Peter Griffin | See, here's your rainy day money and I balanced our checkbook, too. |
| Lois Griffin | You balanced our checkbook? |
| Peter Griffin | Yep. Isn't that right, Max? |
| Max Weinstein | Yeah, sure. He did it. |
| Lois Griffin | I'll call my mother right now and tell her to tell that chimp across the street... |
| Lois Griffin | [Shrieks like a chimpanzee] |
| Peter Griffin | Look how low I've sunk taking credit for something a smart Jewish person did. |
| Max Weinstein | That's okay, Peter. |
| Peter Griffin | No. |
| Peter Griffin | People have been doing that for too long. |
| Civil Rights Speaker | It is the white devil that has propagated exacerbated, instigated instigated... |
| Woody Allen | Line! |
| Woody Allen | "Instigated our hatred like a Buick." |
| Woody Allen | What was I thinking when I agreed to this? This is so degrading. |
| Woody Allen | This is worse than the time I was at the Friars Club and Soon-Yi's retainer fell out of my pants. |
| Max Weinstein | Lois, I appreciate the marshmallow and fish casserole, but I'm sorry I can't eat this. |
| Lois Griffin | Because it's not kosher. |
| Max Weinstein | Yeah, let's go with that. |
| Chris Griffin | Can Stewie and me be excused? He's gonna help me with my math homework. |
| Lois Griffin | Chris, he's just a baby. |
| Stewie Griffin | And you're a regular Rhodes scholar. |
| Stewie Griffin | Where was it you graduated from again? |
| Stewie Griffin | The University of Duh? |
| Max Weinstein | I can help you with your homework. |
| Peter Griffin | My God! Is there nothing you people can't do? |
| Peter Griffin | I mean, other than manual labor. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, what a ridiculous thing to say! |
| Lois Griffin | They built the pyramids. |
| Lois Griffin | You'll have to excuse Peter. He can be a little tactless sometimes. |
| Lois Griffin | Like the time he soiled himself at that dinner party. |
| Man | I was so sorry to hear that your father passed away. |
| Woman | Yes. It spread through his body so fast. |
| Woman | But he's at peace now and the whole... |
| Peter Griffin | Uh-oh! |
| Peter Griffin | Well, there's only one thing that'll top a great dinner like that. |
| Peter Griffin | Operation! |
| Lois Griffin | May I play? |
| Meg Griffin | Mom! |
| Max Weinstein | Thank you, but I can't stay. It's Friday, I've got to go to Temple. |
| Peter Griffin | Temple? Like Indiana Jones? |
| [Suspenseful instrumental music] |
| Gaurd | Will you just pick it up already! |
| Peter Griffin | They better not be expecting us to give money because I gave at church last Sunday, and it all goes to the same God. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter! Max, it was nice of you to invite us along. |
| Max Weinstein | Your husband's got a good heart, but his views on Judaism are a little misguided. |
| Max Weinstein | I consider it a mitzvah to educate him a little. |
| Stewie Griffin | No. I don't think so. |
| Stewie Griffin | It's not that I have ideological differences, I'm just not a hat person. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Hey, look! I didn't know the principal of Meg's school was Jewish. |
| Peter Griffin | There's Bill Nye, the Science Guy and half of Lenny Kravitz. |
| Peter Griffin | Optimus Prime? He's Jewish? |
| [Mechanisms whirring] |
| Peter Griffin | Jeez, Max, I don't know about this. |
| Peter Griffin | I went to Catholic school. I'm not sure this is allowed. |
| Nun | What the hell? |
| [Alarm beeping] |
| Nun | Oh, dear. Sister Mary Joseph, it appears Peter Griffin has entered a synagogue! |
| Nun 2 | Lock and load, Brides of Christ! |
| [Adventurous instrumental music] |
| Penguin | PENGUIN: Excellent, excellent! |
| Woman | Hello. |
| Lois Griffin | We're not Jewish. |
| Lois Griffin | But I hear you people have such lovely services. |
| Lois Griffin | Oh, my God! I didn't mean "you people." |
| Lois Griffin | I didn't mean "oh, my God," either. I know he's your God, too. |
| Lois Griffin | [Nervous laughter] |
| Woman | [Shushing] |
| Rabbi | And on this day, the Sabbath we gather here to... |
| Peter Griffin | Uh-oh! |
| Lois Griffin | Well, that was so nice. A good sermon and such beautiful songs. |
| Peter Griffin | It was just like that other Jewish musical we saw. |
| [Fiddle playing] |
| William Shatner | A fiddler on the roof sounds crazy but here in our little village of Anatevka you might say each one of us... |
| William Shatner | Kahn! |
| William Shatner | Kahn! |
| Max Weinstein | MAX: There's my cab. It was nice meeting all of you. |
| Peter Griffin | Thanks for everything, buddy. |
| Chris Griffin | CHRIS: Wait. I thought you were gonna help me with my homework. |
| Max Weinstein | I'm sorry, son. I have to go. I'm sure you'll do just fine. |
| Peter Griffin | I don't know, the kid's not exactly an honor roll student. Watch. |
| Chris Griffin | Hey! |
| Peter Griffin | He did it. |
| Peter Griffin | See? |
| Max Weinstein | Peter, you took me in, fed me dinner, came to Temple with me. |
| Max Weinstein | You're a nice family. |
| Max Weinstein | I have faith that Chris will grow up to be a real mensch. |
| Chris Griffin | CHRIS: Dad! |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Lois, I just figured out how to make sure Chris becomes a big success. |
| Lois Griffin | Tell me this doesn't have anything to do with Tony Robbins. |
| Peter Griffin | No, I learned my lesson. |
| Peter Griffin | Could you sign this book, please? |
| Tony Robbins | Tony Robbins hungry! |
| Tony Robbins | [Growling] |
| Peter Griffin | No, Lois, I'm gonna make Chris Jewish! |
| Lois Griffin | What are you talking about? |
| Brian Griffin | He thinks if Chris is Jewish, he'll become smart. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, you can't convert someone because you think it'll help their grades. |
| Lois Griffin | Now I don't want to hear another word about this. |
| Chris Griffin | CHRIS: Where are we going? |
| Peter Griffin | Son, it's too late for me, and Meg's a girl, but for you, the sky's the limit. |
| Peter Griffin | We're gonna take you down to that synagogue and turn you Jewish! |
| Chris Griffin | Okay! |
| Peter Griffin | Chris, duck! |
| [Nuns chattering raucously] |
| Rabbi | [Sighing] |
| Rabbi | Mr. Griffin, I still don't understand. |
| Rabbi | Why exactly does your son want to join the Jewish faith? |
| Peter Griffin | Heck, I don't know. He's bi-curious. |
| Rabbi | I appreciate your interest, but Judaism takes a serious commitment. |
| Rabbi | Elliott here has spent years preparing for his bar mitzvah this Saturday. |
| Peter Griffin | A bar mitzvah! Perfect. How much for one of those? |
| Rabbi | You can't just buy a bar mitzvah. It requires a lot of study. |
| Peter Griffin | Can't we skip that part? |
| Peter Griffin | If Chris knew how to study, he wouldn't need to become Jewish, right? |
| Peter Griffin | Right? |
| Peter Griffin | Right? |
| Chris Griffin | Don't worry, Dad. I don't need a bar mitzvah. |
| Chris Griffin | I'm okay just the way I... |
| Chris Griffin | [Screaming] |
| Peter Griffin | We got no time to lose. |
| Peter Griffin | There's gotta be someplace in America where you can take a solemn spiritual ceremony that begins a lifetime commitment and blow through it in about 20 minutes. |
| [Peppy instrumental music] |
| Chris Griffin | All right, Dad! |
| Meg Griffin | So, how do I look in my new glasses? |
| Stewie Griffin | How shall I put this? |
| Stewie Griffin | In an attic somewhere there's a portrait of you getting prettier. |
| Lois Griffin | Wow, someone needs a nap. After lunch it's straight to bed, Stewie. |
| Stewie Griffin | This isn't the first time my wit has gone unappreciated. |
| Ed McMahon | ED McMAHON: And in the comedy competition, Stewie Griffin receives three and a half stars. |
| Ed McMahon | Challenger Sinbad receives four stars! We have a new champion, Sinbad! |
| Ed McMahon | Stewie, any parting words? |
| Stewie Griffin | I got beat, pure and simple. |
| Stewie Griffin | You are a very funny man! |
| Stewie Griffin | "Men be acting all like zombies at the mall." |
| Stewie Griffin | God, ain't that the truth? |
| Lois Griffin | Where is your father and Chris? It's not like them to be late for lunch. |
| Meg Griffin | I think they left a note. |
| Brian Griffin | [Brian chuckling] |
| Lois Griffin | Brian, what do you know about this? |
| Brian Griffin | Nothing. |
| Lois Griffin | I know when you're lying to me, Brian. |
| Brian Griffin | No, I swear. |
| Lois Griffin | Meg, take Stewie upstairs. |
| Brian Griffin | What are you doing? |
| Lois Griffin | You don't know that either? |
| Lois Griffin | Last chance, Brian. |
| Brian Griffin | [Brian yelping] |
| Brian Griffin | They're in Vegas getting a quickie bar mitzvah! |
| Lois Griffin | What? |
| Quagmire | Well, hel-Lois! |
| Quagmire | Forgive me for pointing. |
| Lois Griffin | Quick, I need to borrow your car! I've got a bar mitzvah to stop! |
| Quagmire | No problem. Let me grab my keys. |
| Quagmire | Here they are. |
| [Engine starting] |
| [Dramatic instrumental music] |
| [Mysterious Yiddish music playing] |
| [Crowd cheering] |
| Peter Griffin | Chris, in a few minutes, you'll become a smart, successful Jewish man. |
| Peter Griffin | I could make a foreskin joke, but this is a solemn occasion. |
| Peter Griffin | Besides, there'll be plenty of time for that on the ride back. |
| Peter Griffin | I got so many of them, too! I know. But later! |
| [Dramatic instrumental music] |
| [Dramatic music slowing] |
| Chris Griffin | [Speaking Hebrew] |
| Lois Griffin | Chris! |
| Lois Griffin | [Banging] |
| Lois Griffin | [Lois yelling] |
| Lois Griffin | Stop this travesty right now! |
| Woman | Bar mitzvahs are travesties, huh? |
| Lois Griffin | No, my son getting bar mitzvahed is a travesty. |
| Lois Griffin | He's doing it for all the wrong reasons. |
| Mordecai | Well, look-a-here, Hershel. We got us one of them self-hating Jews. |
| Mordecai | Nothing I hate worse than a Jew who doesn't appreciate her own rich heritage. |
| Hershel | Come on, Mordecai. Let's get her! |
| [Angry crowd yelling] |
| [People gasping] |
| [Banging] |
| Peter Griffin | I'm sorry, Lois. |
| Peter Griffin | I just wanted our son to be Jewish so he'd be smarter. |
| Peter Griffin | Then maybe his wife wouldn't be sorry she didn't marry the chimp next door. |
| Lois Griffin | Just because Steven makes more money than you doesn't mean he's any smarter. |
| Lois Griffin | And I think Chris will do just fine. |
| Peter Griffin | How do you know that? |
| Lois Griffin | Because I have faith in him, the way I have faith in you. |
| Lois Griffin | Besides, a person's religion is no guarantee of success. |
| Peter Griffin | I see what you're saying. The Jewish are just like us. No better, no worse. |
| Chris Griffin | Yes, and as they say... |
| Chris Griffin | [Speaking Hebrew] |
| Lois Griffin | What? |
| Peter Griffin | I think what he's trying to say is everything's gonna be okay. |
| [Dramatic instrumental music] |
| Peter Griffin | [Peter screaming] |
| [Theme music] |