| Brian Griffin | Where's Brian? Breakfast is getting cold. |
| Announcer | In tonight's episode the part of Brian the Dog will be played by Carter Banks. |
| Carter Banks | Here I am. Sorry l... |
| Lois Griffin | Camera Two. |
| Carter Banks | Sorry, I overslept. |
| Stewie Griffin | Yes. Do you want breakfast? Or would you rather chew on your own ass as usual? [Clears throat] I'm sure you have something to say to that. |
| Carter Banks | Oh, God. Sorry. Can you give me the line again? Not the whole line. Just the end. |
| Stewie Griffin | Let's cut! You're sleeping with which producer? God! As soon as my movie deal kicks in, I am such a ghost! |
| Lois Griffin | [Singing] "It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV |
| Peter Griffin | "But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely? |
| All | "Lucky there's a family guy! Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you all the things that make us |
| Stewie Griffin | "laugh 'n' cry |
| All | "He's a family guy" |
| Lois Griffin | You can take off your blindfold now. We're almost there. |
| Peter Griffin | Not yet. I don't want to ruin my birthday surprise. |
| Lois Griffin | Then at least let me drive! |
| Peter Griffin | Lois, you know it's illegal for women to drive. |
| [Cat screeches] |
| Peter Griffin | A woman driving. That's adorable. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, I don't think- Peter, please! I'm begging you! Stop the car! We're here! Thank God. |
| Peter Griffin | Bob's Funland and Putt Putt Golf? The grownup in me likes the prospect of fun. But the kid in me is suicidal over what a fat bastard I'll become! |
| All | Happy birthday! |
| Peter Griffin | I can't believe it! Quagmire, Cleveland, Joe! Who are you? |
| Angry Guy | I'm the guy whose car you just slammed into! |
| Peter Griffin | Lois, you invited everyone! |
| [Screams from roller coaster] |
| Peter Griffin | Excuse me. Excuse me. My friend is differently abled. May he go ahead of you? |
| Woman | Of course. |
| Peter Griffin | Frontsies, backsies, backsies, backsies. |
| Quagmire | Well, hello. You must be this beautiful to ride the Quagmire. |
| Bonnie Swanson | Careful, Joe! |
| Joe Swanson | Kiss off! Yeah! |
| Bonnie Swanson | Your father. Sometimes I don't think he'll be happy until he's completely paralyzed. |
| Stewie Griffin | How deliciously evil looking! It's like something out of Stephen King! |
| Stephen King | Okay. For my 307th book...this couple is attacked by a...lamp monster! |
| Executive | You're not even trying anymore, are you? When can I have it? |
| Carnival Attendant | A lot. |
| Stewie Griffin | A 10-gauge. I've never handled one of these before. |
| Stewie Griffin | Ah! Yes! [Singing] "This is my rifle, this is my gun This is for fighting, this is for fun" |
| Cleveland | Oh, dang. Now I hate windmills even more. |
| Peter Griffin | Let me give you a little tip, pallie. The shortest distance between two points is the full-body English, high-arcing rainbow shot. |
| [Glass shattering] |
| Bull | I know what you're thinking. |
| [Window breaking] |
| Bob Funland | Sir, I'm gonna have to ask your party to leave. You've caused nothing but trouble since you got here! Perhaps we should just continue the party at some other type of location. |
| Peter Griffin | No. Wait. I know this guy. We went to high school together. |
| Bob Funland | We did? |
| Peter Griffin | He was a loser then, and he's a loser now. We used to kid this guy all the time. |
| All | Bob misses his mommy! Bob misses his mommy! |
| Peter Griffin | We're not going just because some pissant tells us to. I demand to see the owner! |
| Bob Funland | That's me. I'm Bob Funland. |
| Peter Griffin | You own this whole place? |
| Bob Funland | That's right! This place is my legacy! So what have you done with your life, you jerk? |
| Peter Griffin | I'm Neptune, God Of The Sea! I sink ships and conjure up storms! |
| Neptune | No, you're not. I am. And you know nothing of my work. |
| [Crickets chirping] |
| Peter Griffin | Look at this, Lois. See? Right here. I was voted Most Likely To Succeed. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, that's not you. That's not even a yearbook. That's a People magazine. |
| Peter Griffin | I wondered why they had the wrong picture and name. |
| Lois Griffin | Can't we just enjoy the rest of your birthday? Look. It says, "Happy Birthday, Daddy. Love, Stewie." |
| Stewie Griffin | Let me see that! Did you forge my name? Is that backward "S" supposed to be cute? I'm going to crap double for you tonight! |
| Peter Griffin | Face it, Lois. I'm a nobody. Why can't I be famous like Bob? Or my cousin, Kathy Griffin? |
| Kathy Griffin | Okay. Then I got on Suddenly Susan. And that was really cool. And I still do standup. And people laugh and give me money. Isn't this great catching up? Anyway, I was in college... |
| Lois Griffin | She's still talking. |
| Peter Griffin | I don't get it. I poured it in her drink. |
| Kathy Griffin | His name was Steve Rock. It was cool. He was my first black man. |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, boy. |
| Kathy Griffin | But I went everywhere! |
| Chris Griffin | Don't be depressed, Dad. Here. I made you a present. |
| Brian Griffin | My God! It's good. Really good. |
| Chris Griffin | It's partly an expression of my teenage angst. But mostly it's a moo cow! |
| Lois Griffin | It's lovely, Chris. Go ahead, Peter. Make a wish. |
| Peter Griffin | I'd sell my soul to be famous! |
| Devil | I got a live one! Peter Griffin. |
| Minion | Sorry, Chief. Seems he already sold his soul in 1976 for Bee Gees tickets. And again in 1981 for half a Mallomar. |
| Devil | Aw, heck! Where's a lawyer when I need one? |
| Chris Griffin | Don't forget this! Maybe you could hang it in your office. |
| Peter Griffin | Son, I'll put it someplace where everyone can see it. |
| Antonio Monatti | Excuse me. I'll give you $1,000 for what you have in the back there. |
| Peter Griffin | $1,000 for a bumper sticker? |
| Antonio Monatti | No, no. I mean that painting. I must have it for my gallery in Soho. I'll give you $5,000. What do you say? |
| Peter Griffin | I say... |
| Peter Griffin | ...I love you, you freakin' son of mine! I got $5,000 for that painting you made me! |
| Chris Griffin | But I painted that just for you. |
| Peter Griffin | Don't feel bad, Chris. I didn't even want it. Now we all get a trip to New York because Mr. Monatti thinks you could be a famous artist. |
| Brian Griffin | Monatti? Antonio Monatti? |
| Lois Griffin | You've heard of this man? |
| Brian Griffin | He's only the biggest art dealer in New York. I met him when I was hanging out with Andy Warhol in the '70s. |
| [1970s art rock instrumental music] |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, we are not going to New York! |
| Peter Griffin | Lois, our son has been blessed with a great gift. And I'm gonna do everything I can to nurture that talent and help him succeed. Because that's good parenting. Right, Bing Crosby? |
| Bing Crosby | That's right. And if your kids give you any lip you can beat them with a sack of Valencia oranges. It won't leave a bruise and they'll let 'em know who's boss. There's no doubt about it. |
| Peter Griffin | But that doesn't sound right. |
| Bing Crosby | Are you giving me lip, boy? Because I'll take this belt off and put the smack-down on you! Is that what you want? How's that? |
| Peter Griffin | Knock it off! Get away from me, you dead crooner! |
| [Theme from NYPD Blue] |
| David Leisure | Hi. This is David Leisure. You probably remember me as the neighbor from TV's Empty Nest. No? How about those car commercials when I played Joe Isuzu? The guy who lied? Come on! Those were popular! They ran all the time! All right, look, just buckle up. Can I get my check now? |
| Lois Griffin | Oh, kids. Look at that man over there! Grabbing his crotch! So alive, this city! |
| [Cheery instrumental music] |
| Lois Griffin | Central Park! |
| Meg Griffin | There's the Empire State Building! |
| Chris Griffin | There's a hot dog cart! |
| Lois Griffin | Chris, don't spoil your appetite. |
| Lois Griffin | New York has some of the best restaurants in the world. They even have Indian food here. Not the... kind, but the... kind. |
| Hotel Employee | Welcome to the Big Apple, fella. |
| Stewie Griffin | Make sure there's a Wall Street Journal next to the changing table. And send a masseuse up. Legitimate! |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, waiter. The name's Peter Griffin. My son will be the best thing to happen to New York since Mayor Giuliani had all the homeless people killed. |
| Chris Griffin | And all I gotta do is paint! |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, you guys have any bellhops that are rats like the Muppets? |
| Meg Griffin | Mom, can we go see a Broadway play tonight? |
| Brian Griffin | Count me out. I'll never go to the theater with Peter again. |
| Actress | "Remember when you were younger, Uncle Vanya used to spend whole nights translating books for you? Uncle Vanya and I worked without rest, afraid to spend a kopeck on ourselves." |
| Peter Griffin | What the hell is this? For crying out loud! Somebody throw a pie! |
| Peter Griffin | Screw the theater. Mr. Monatti invited us to a party so Chris can meet a bunch of artists. It's at the Museum of Modern Art. I hope that's not some kind of museum! |
| [Jazz music playing in museum] |
| Brian Griffin | Mapplethorpe? I thought he just did photography. |
| Art Enthusiast | No. Early on, he did caricatures. |
| Robert Mapplethorpe | Okay, Tim. Who's your favorite sports star? |
| Boy | Reggie Jackson. |
| Robert Mapplethorpe | I'm gonna draw him pooping on your chest. What number is he? |
| Antonio Monatti | Welcome. Chris, there are a number of artists here I would like you to meet. |
| Peter Griffin | Let's talk turkey, Monatti. Look, we've been here all day. Chris isn't a famous artist yet! |
| Brian Griffin | Creating art takes a lot of training and technique. All the great artists I knew took classes. |
| Peter Griffin | Even Walt Disney? |
| Minnie Mouse | Do I have to? |
| Walt Disney | You want to be a star, don't you? Then take it off! Yeah, that's nice. |
| Peter Griffin | Art school? We don't have time. Chris, give me your ear! |
| Lois Griffin | Peter! |
| Antonio Monatti | Mr. Griffin, please. I invited you so that Chris could make an impression on the art community. |
| Antonio Monatti | Why don't you folks do some sightseeing? If you leave Chris in my hands the name Griffin will be as well known as Kandinsky. |
| Peter Griffin | Who? |
| Antonio Monatti | Rembrandt? |
| Peter Griffin | Who? |
| Antonio Monatti | Da Vinci? |
| Peter Griffin | Who? |
| Antonio Monatti | Bazooka Joe? |
| Peter Griffin | There you go. |
| Lois Griffin | The United Nations. I wish Chris could see this. Isn't it inspiring how so many different cultures can come together? |
| Peter Griffin | And use up all the towels in the men's room! |
| Lois Griffin | Peter! |
| Peter Griffin | Sorry. |
| [Hand dryer blowing] |
| Peter Griffin | Man, these things never get 'em completely dry. |
| Lois Griffin | Where's Stewie? |
| [Running footsteps] |
| Stewie Griffin | Hidden missile silos behind the Great Wall! Ancient Chinese secret, huh? |
| Chris Griffin | Mr. Monatti, shouldn't I be painting now? |
| Antonio Monatti | Trust me. Painting is the least important thing about being a successful artist. You need an image. Let's take this Rhode Island lump of clay and turn it into the toast of New York. |
| Chris Griffin | I love toast! |
| Antonio Monatti | Cut it short and tint it green, the color of money. |
| Chris Griffin | And boogers. |
| Lois Griffin | I feel like we've been walking in circles. I don't know how you can find anything in this city. It's so confusing. |
| Peter Griffin | Well, I bet if Hillary Clinton becomes senator, she'll straighten it out even though she could never straighten out Bill. |
| Lois Griffin | I love when you use topical humor. It's just like watching Murphy Brown. |
| Character1 | Hey, Murphy, blah-blah-blah John Sununu. |
| Character2 | Murphy, blah-blah-blah Tipper Gore. |
| Character3 | Hey, Murph, you can't blah-blah-blah-blah the Ayatollah. |
| Murphy Brown | Blah-blah, Bishop Desmond Tutu, blah-blah. |
| Chris Griffin | Shouldn't my mom and dad be here by now? |
| Antonio Monatti | They called and said they'd rather wander through Soho Iooking for an address that doesn't exist. |
| Chris Griffin | That's my dad. Well, maybe tomorrow we could... |
| Antonio Monatti | There's Kate Moss. |
| Chris Griffin | Where? I don't see her. Are you The Matrix? |
| Antonio Monatti | Kate, this is my newest discovery, Christobel. |
| Chris Griffin | My name's Chris. |
| Antonio Monatti | Not anymore. Christobel will look better in Interview magazine. |
| Kate Moss | Nice to meet you. I love artists. Oops. A crack in the floor! |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, Lois, give me a penny. |
| Lois Griffin | You're not gonna throw it over the edge? |
| Peter Griffin | No. Yes. |
| Antonio Monatti | Christobel, I've just scheduled your first exhibit! |
| Chris Griffin | Wow! I can't wait to tell my dad. |
| Peter Griffin | Yes. I know how important your success is to your father. That's why he'll understand that you can never see him again. |
| Chris Griffin | Yeah. Of course he will. Dad's very... What? |
| Antonio Monatti | Christobel, the art world is a place of culture and breeding. Your father is... Oh, dear. How can I say this without upsetting you? Your dad is a pig! |
| Chris Griffin | [Joyful laughter] |
| Antonio Monatti | So you see? It's up to you, son.If you don't want to disappoint your dad, you must keep him away. |
| Peter Griffin | There's my boy. Hey, come on. Let's go over to Barneys and fart in the suits. |
| Chris Griffin | All right, Dad, I... I mean... I can't see you anymore. |
| Peter Griffin | What are you talking about? You're my son. |
| Antonio Monatti | Mr. Griffin, he's going to be a great artist. He now belongs to the public. |
| Chris Griffin | And apparently I'm dating Kate Moss. Don't say anything bad about her, because she might be here right now. |
| Peter Griffin | Wait a minute. You can't just push me aside. I made you! And I can destroy you! Goddamn. They must've put it in the wrong baby. |
| Girl | Bobby Williams, I'd love to go out with you. |
| Peter Griffin | I can't believe Chris. If I hadn't used his painting to patch that window he'd still be in that dump in Quahog. |
| Lois Griffin | That "dump" is our home. |
| Peter Griffin | Dump? So now you're too good for us, too? |
| Lois Griffin | This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for Chris, not you! Are you so selfish you can't see that? |
| Peter Griffin | Yes, I am. |
| Brian Griffin | Peter, your son is using his talents to pursue his dream. |
| Peter Griffin | I have no son! Except for Stewie and Meg! |
| Peter Griffin | [Singing] "I had a dream |
| Peter Griffin | "It's all about you |
| Peter Griffin | "Meg Griffin |
| Peter Griffin | "Not much you can do |
| Peter Griffin | "Meg Griffin |
| Peter Griffin | "You can't dance |
| Peter Griffin | "You can't sing |
| Peter Griffin | "No, you pretty much can't do a thing |
| Peter Griffin | "Never fear, Daddy's here |
| Peter Griffin | "Honey, you're gonna make our name famous |
| Peter Griffin | "You'll be larger than life |
| Peter Griffin | "I'll be proud you fell out of my wife |
| Peter Griffin | "You'll be known, far and wide |
| Peter Griffin | "Like that princess who died |
| Peter Griffin | "I'm gonna make you famous |
| Peter Griffin | "Wait and see |
| Peter Griffin | "Honey, I'm gonna do this for you |
| Peter Griffin | "But it's really for me" |
| Peter Griffin | Fine. If Chris doesn't need me, I don't need him. You're gonna love being famous, Meg. And this is the town to do it in. |
| Meg Griffin | I don't know, Dad. What am I gonna do? |
| Peter Griffin | Everybody's good at something. |
| Peter Griffin | It's just a matter of finding that one special hidden talent. But promise me, when you make it big, you'll let me take advantage of all the... |
| Meg Griffin | MEG: I can't think of anything. I guess I don't have any talent. |
| Peter Griffin | Come on. Think harder. There's gotta be something you can do. |
| Meg Griffin | [whistling] |
| Peter Griffin | That's amazing! |
| Brian Griffin | Thanks. I roomed with Scott Hamilton at prep school. Nothing happened. |
| Peter Griffin | No. I mean that bird just came to Meg when she whistled. |
| Meg Griffin | No, those are just my bird calls. |
| Peter Griffin | Do it again! |
| Big Bird | Yeah? Well, what did you want? You called me, right? |
| Meg Griffin | No. I wasn't calling you. |
| Big Bird | This is funny to you? Yeah? You know what a pain in the ass it is to get across town this time of day? |
| Peter Griffin | Listen, mister, we don't want any trouble here. |
| Big Bird | I don't fly, you know. I take the subway like everybody else. And people don't stare. You make me puke, bitch. |
| Chris Griffin | Mr. Monatti, I don't feel like painting. I want to see my dad. |
| Antonio Monatti | Listen, Christobel. I've sunk $5,000 turning you into a New York bohemian. All you have to do is paint. Now, get busy. I have to go oil up and start squeezing into my leather pants. Excuse me. |
| Chris Griffin | Jeez, Kate, what should I do? |
| Kate Moss | I don't know. You're the flavor of the month. Oops. Window open. |
| Meg Griffin | [Crow cawing] |
| Bird 1 | I'm going over there! |
| Bird 2 | No. |
| Bird 1 | I'm gonna go over there and punch her! |
| Bird 2 | No. |
| Meg Griffin | This is humiliating. |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, it's show business, baby. You gotta start somewhere. |
| Meg Griffin | No, I don't. I quit! |
| Peter Griffin | Now wait just a minute, young lady. Don't you walk away from me! Hey! Don't you start running! Wait, Meg! Get off that bus. Don't you go to La Guardia. Meg, listen to me. Don't you dare get on that plane. Don't you shell out $5 for headphones for Magnolia. Okay, now I'm pissed. |
| Bird 2 | Well, thank God that's over. |
| Bird 1 | Yeah. |
| Bird 2 | Hey, you want to go crap on the Statue of Liberty? I've lived here my whole life, and I've never been there! |
| Bird 1 | I've never been to the Empire State Building. |
| Bird 2 | Boy, we're a pair, aren't we? |
| Bird 1 | Unbelievable. Let's go. |
| Lois Griffin | Chris! |
| Chris Griffin | Hey, you guys made it! |
| Lois Griffin | Of course. |
| Lois Griffin | We wouldn't miss your big day. |
| Peter Griffin | Wait a second. I don't see any strippers passing out free tacos! Lois, you lied to me! |
| Chris Griffin | Is Dad mad at me? |
| Lois Griffin | He just doesn't understand. I know artists have to make sacrifices and... My God! Are you Kate Moss? Well, for someone with no breasts, you've done very well for yourself. Good for you. |
| Antonio Monatti | 1541 Michelangelo unveils the Sistine Chapel. 1886 Seurat completes La Grande Jatte. 1940 Georgia O'Keeffe paints a lot of flowers that look suspiciously like vaginas. But in the new millennium there is only Christobel. |
| Art Enthusiast | Hey, that's not art! Amateur! |
| Chris Griffin | Hey, that's my dad! Except for that one. That's my dad if he were a cat. He's the whole reason I'm here. |
| Antonio Monatti | Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize for these eyesores. I guess I was wrong about you. You're no artist. You're just a no-talent punk! |
| Peter Griffin | Now hold on a second! You can talk to my daughter that way, but not my son! Now apologize! |
| Antonio Monatti | The hell I will! You owe me for all the money I invested in your worthless son! |
| Peter Griffin | All right. Well, here's a little something in return. Or container of crazy purple knockout gas? |
| Chris Griffin | Dad, I'm sorry I'm not gonna be a famous artist you can mooch off of. |
| Meg Griffin | And I'm sorry I have no talent. |
| Peter Griffin | That's okay, kids. So I don't have my name on an amusement park. And maybe I'll never be famous. But I got three wonderful children and a wife that loves me. |
| Lois Griffin | That's right. |
| Lois Griffin | I guess when it comes right down to it, you're a pretty lucky... |
| Bum | [Vomiting] |
| Stewie Griffin | My sentiments exactly! |
| Peter Griffin | Come on, Griffins. Let's go home. |
| Calvin Klein | Hey, watch where you're going! This child is beautiful! I must have him! |
| Peter Griffin | You mean like Gina Gershon beautiful, or beautiful beautiful? |
| Brian Griffin | This is heterosexual fashion designer, Calvin Klein. |
| Calvin Klein | I've been looking everywhere for a face to launch my new line of diapers. And I think I found it. |
| Peter Griffin | Well, Bob Funland may have his name on a sign but only a Griffin has this. |
| Stewie Griffin | Yeah! |
| Stewie Griffin | Workin' it. Make me want it. Baby! I'm gonna sex you up, baby! I'm going to sex you up so crazy! You're loving this, aren't you? |
| [Theme music] |