| Bob Ross | We're gonna use a fan brush here. |
| Bob Ross | And I want you to take some Hunter Green. |
| Bob Ross | And we'll put a happy little bush right down over here in the corner. |
| Bob Ross | And that'll just be our little secret. |
| Bob Ross | And if you tell anyone that that bush is there I will come to your house and I will cut you! |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Mine doesn't look anything like his. |
| Peter Griffin | The hell with it! |
| [Theme from Family Ties playing] |
| Lois Griffin | [Singing] "It seems today that all you see |
| Lois Griffin | "is violence in movies and sex on TV |
| Peter Griffin | "But where are those good, old-fashioned values |
| Peter Griffin | "on which we used to rely? |
| All | "Lucky there's a family guy |
| All | "Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you |
| All | "all the things that make us |
| Stewie Griffin | "laugh 'n' cry |
| All | "He's a family guy" |
| Fisherman | Ha! Boy, you throw like a fishwife! |
| Fisherman | Come on, you hairy lubbin' friggin' rod! |
| Peter Griffin | Chris, are you gonna take that from a fisherman? |
| Chris Griffin | No way! |
| Fisherman | [Startled scream] |
| Fisherman | For the love of Pete! |
| [Laughing] |
| Chris Griffin | CHRIS: I'm good! |
| Lois Griffin | How fun. |
| Lois Griffin | And it's for a good cause. |
| Lois Griffin | All the money goes to the families of fishermen who've been eaten by sharks. |
| Emcee | EMCEE: Ladies and gentlemen, the mayor of Quahog, Adam West! |
| [Applause] |
| Adam West | Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. |
| Adam West | ADAM WEST: Thank you. |
| Adam West | Thank you. Thank you. |
| Adam West | It was 360 years ago that Quahog founder Miles "Chatterbox" Musket set sail for the new colony of Rhode Island. |
| Miles | MILES: You know what I'm gonna do when we get to shore? First I'm gonna have me a snack. No! Shower! |
| Miles | Shower first, snack second. But I hope I see Indians. |
| Miles | You think they'll have American cheese? |
| Adam West | WEST: Ever the free thinker Miles was thrown overboard for speaking his mind. |
| Adam West | He was as good as dead. But as legend has it he was saved by a magic clam who brought him to shore and shared the vision of a new colony which would be called Quahog. |
| Clam | CLAM: There are fields for tilling, woods for timber and the bounty of the sea. |
| Adam West | MILES: Look at all this sand! |
| Miles | Did you know there are beaches with black sand? Did I pack my towel? |
| Clam | CLAM: Are you listening? I'm trying to help you. |
| Adam West | ADAM WEST: And help he did. Thanks to the clam's leadership Quahog became a great and prosperous settlement. |
| Adam West | But relations between Miles and the clam soon soured. |
| Miles | MILES: I know he's an Indian. But what kind of name is Squanto? |
| Miles | "Leslie" or something like that would be nice. |
| Clam | Shut up! God, keep it to yourself once in a while! |
| Clam | Here. Look what I'm doing. Watch this. |
| Clam | Look, see that? Yeah! |
| Clam | Now try it with me. Okay? |
| Miles | [Sniffing] |
| Miles | [Sighing] |
| Adam West | ADAM WEST: Things only got worse. |
| Adam West | Before long, Miles began to contemplate killing the clam. |
| [Sinister instrumental music] |
| Clam | CLAM: I was awake last night, Miles. I saw you. |
| Clam | I think it's time for me to go. |
| Clam | I'll send for my things. |
| [Sentimental instrumental music] |
| Miles | MILES: Wait! Don't go! I'm sorry! |
| Miles | [Loud crying] |
| Adam West | ADAM WEST: Miles never spoke again. But every year until his death from a combination of tuberculosis and a tomahawk to the head he went to the shore on this day in hopes that the magic clam would return. |
| Adam West | Today, we citizens of Quahog continue this tradition. |
| Adam West | What's that? |
| Adam West | Something out at sea? |
| Adam West | Clam-ho! |
| Cleveland | CLEVELAND: They're giving your cue. |
| Peter Griffin | Who the hell's idea was it to make this suit out of foam rubber? |
| Cleveland | It's such an honor to play the magic clam. |
| Lois Griffin | Aren't you proud of your dad? |
| Meg Griffin | MEG: Are you kidding? |
| Meg Griffin | God, this is worse than having Ronald McDonald for a father. |
| Lisa McDonald | LISA: Bye, Dad! Don't wait up! |
| Ronald McDonald | Wait a minute, Lisa! Come back here. |
| Ronald McDonald | You're not going with that make-up. |
| Lisa McDonald | But Dad! |
| Ronald McDonald | Upstairs! |
| Ronald McDonald | You're a McDonald, not a whore! |
| Brian | [Panting] |
| Peter Griffin | I think I got a wave here! |
| [Crowd gasping] |
| Brian Griffin | So that's what Peter's penis looks like. |
| Meg Griffin | MEG: How could you embarrass me like that? |
| Meg Griffin | Nobody better pull this at my slumber party tonight! |
| Lois Griffin | Don't worry, honey. |
| Lois Griffin | You and your friends will have a great time. |
| Stewie Griffin | Yes. How delightful it will be. |
| Stewie Griffin | A pubescent herd of gabby wretches prattling on about boys and music and jellybeans and stickers. |
| Chris Griffin | CHRIS: We better stop by the hospital so I can get my cooties shot. |
| [Laughing] |
| Meg Griffin | Shut up! |
| Meg Griffin | Just leave me and my friends alone tonight, okay? |
| Peter Griffin | Will you relax? |
| Peter Griffin | None of us will do anything to embarrass you, all right? |
| Peter Griffin | I gotta get gas. |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, any of you guys want a soda? I'm gonna go inside and get a soda. |
| Meg Griffin | MEG: Mom! |
| Lois Griffin | Meg, you know your father loves you very much. |
| Kevin Swanson | Mr. Griffin? |
| Meg Griffin | Oh, my God! |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, look! It's Kevin from next door. |
| Peter Griffin | I didn't know you worked here. Hey, Kevin. Come here! |
| Peter Griffin | Say hi to Meg. She's right in there. |
| Peter Griffin | Right there. |
| Girl | GIRL: Okay. I'd put Brad Pitt's face on Brendan Fraser's body with Ben Affleck's butt! |
| Girls | [Squeeling] |
| Lois Griffin | My turn! I'd take James Brolin's face Mark Spitz's body, and Milton Berle's legendary genitals. |
| Meg Griffin | What are you doing? |
| Lois Griffin | I love slumber parties! Okay, truth or dare? |
| Lois Griffin | Who here has gone all the way? |
| Lois Griffin | You know, at my sleepovers, we used to practice French kissing. |
| Lois Griffin | Now everybody pair up! |
| Chris Griffin | CHRIS: All right, Mom! |
| Meg Griffin | Chris, get out of here right now! |
| Chris Griffin | CHRIS: I can't. |
| Lois Griffin | Okay. Finish up and then come out. |
| Peter Griffin | Have you seen my fake beard? Crap! I'm stuck in the stairs. |
| Meg Griffin | God, kill me now. |
| [Phone ringing] |
| God | Hello? |
| God | Karen! |
| Lois Griffin | All right, I'm gonna need you to boil some water. |
| Lois Griffin | And girls, I'm gonna need towels, lots of them! Okay, let's go! |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: I'm sorry, Meg's friends. Look, I'll make it up to you. |
| Peter Griffin | I'll get you Davy Jones for your school dance. |
| Peter Griffin | Jeez, Lois! What is that? Acid? |
| Meg Griffin | You guys are ruining my life! |
| Lois Griffin | I'm sorry, honey. I know how you must feel. |
| Meg Griffin | If you care about me, you won't show your faces downstairs for the rest of the night. |
| Peter Griffin | Then it's a good thing I have this. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: "I am not a crook!" |
| All | [Laughing] |
| Meg Griffin | MEG: Look, I mean it! All of you. Oh, God! Where's Stewie? |
| Stewie Griffin | Beth, what do you think? Does Mark find you attractive? |
| Beth | I don't know. |
| Stewie Griffin | Have you asked him? |
| Beth | Not exactly. |
| Stewie Griffin | All right, look. Let's try some role-playing. |
| Stewie Griffin | I'll be Mark. |
| Stewie Griffin | And you ask me out to the box social or whatever you children do these days. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, don't! God, your hands are like ice! |
| Lois Griffin | Just here. Give it to me. |
| Lois Griffin | That'll warm it up a little. |
| Lois Griffin | That's nice. |
| Peter Griffin | [Peter moaning] |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, wait till... |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Shazam! |
| Lois Griffin | Peter. |
| Girls | [Screaming] |
| Brian Griffin | Hey, what happened to your friends? |
| Meg Griffin | My family scared them away. |
| Meg Griffin | I just wish there was some way they could understand how embarrassing they are. |
| Diane Simmons | DIANE: Welcome back to Diane! |
| Diane Simmons | Erica, it's time for Mario's little confession. |
| Mario | Erica, you know I love you. But I gotta come clean. |
| Mario | I'm not really a man. |
| Mario | I'm a woman. |
| Audience | [Cheering] |
| Erica | My God! You're a woman? |
| Mario | Actually, I'm not really a woman. |
| Mario | I'm a horse! |
| Audience | [Cheering] |
| Erica | My God! You're a horse? |
| Mario | Actually, I'm not really a horse. |
| Mario | I'm a broom. |
| Audience | [Cheering] |
| Diane Simmons | DIANE: Okay. So how do you feel? |
| Erica | To be honest with you, Diane, I'm surprised. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Man, this is a great show. |
| Peter Griffin | They drag these idiots up on stage and then blindside them. |
| Peter Griffin | Like this one guy didn't know he was actually two midgets. |
| Peter Griffin | Those poor, unsuspecting people. |
| Meg Griffin | Well, maybe some of them deserved it. |
| Diane Simmons | DIANE: Hello. And welcome to Diane! |
| Diane Simmons | Today's guest is tired of being embarrassed by her family. |
| Lois Griffin | Meg, how did you get these tickets again? |
| Diane Simmons | Let's bring them up right now. |
| Lois Griffin | Whatever problems we have can be settled in the privacy... |
| Diane Simmons | DIANE: The Griffin family! |
| Peter Griffin | Suckers. |
| Audience | [Cheering] |
| Peter Griffin | Uh-oh. |
| Diane Simmons | And we're back. |
| Diane Simmons | Griffins, do you have anything to say to your daughter? |
| Peter Griffin | I can't believe you'd do this to us. |
| Peter Griffin | Maybe now I won't give you the antidote. |
| Meg Griffin | To what? |
| Peter Griffin | To the poison you just drank. |
| Peter Griffin | [Laughing] |
| Meg Griffin | MEG: See what I mean? This is not normal! |
| Stewie Griffin | STEWIE: You there, Bingo. |
| Stewie Griffin | It seems the naughty baby has made a messy-poo in his... |
| Stewie Griffin | I say, what's this? |
| Stewie Griffin | Volume! |
| Peter Griffin | Look, what's the big deal? |
| Peter Griffin | I mean, we're just a regular American family. |
| Peter Griffin | We have family dinners, and we go to church together... |
| Man | And you even manage to humiliate me there. |
| [Organ playing religious music] |
| Peter Griffin | Is that really the blood of Christ? |
| Priest | Yes. |
| Peter Griffin | Man, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day. |
| Diane Simmons | We have a caller on the line. Go ahead. |
| Stewie Griffin | STEWIE: Yes. I say, do you have Prince Albert in a can? |
| [Laughing] |
| Stewie Griffin | Quiet. Shut up. |
| Stewie Griffin | You'd better let him out! |
| [Laughing] |
| Brian Griffin | BRIAN: That's hilarious. |
| Lois Griffin | Meg, you have two parents who love you and... |
| Lois Griffin | What does that say under me? |
| Lois Griffin | Oh, go... yourself, Diane! |
| Audience | [Gasping] |
| Stewie Griffin | She said a swear! |
| Diane Simmons | Peter, do you think there might be any validity to what Meg is feeling? |
| Peter Griffin | Who are you calling Uncle Tom? |
| Diane Simmons | DIANE: What? |
| Chris Griffin | CHRIS: Okay, time out. |
| Chris Griffin | CHRIS: This kind of acrimony isn't gonna resolve our differences. |
| Peter Griffin | Just shut up and throw a chair. |
| Chris Griffin | Okay! |
| Audience | [Cheering wildly] |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Fire! City Hall is burning. |
| Peter Griffin | Don't worry. I'll put it out. |
| Peter Griffin | [Imitates fire engine siren] |
| Peter Griffin | [Laughs] |
| Talent Agent | Great show out there. |
| Peter Griffin | If you want an autograph now you either gotta give me a pen or get me some snow. |
| Talent Agent | I look at you and see a series. We want to put cameras in your house and follow the drama that is your family. |
| Talent Agent | Kind of like The Real World. |
| Peter Griffin | All right! Then everyone would see me and my wacky antics. |
| Peter Griffin | [Screams] |
| Peter Griffin | [Laughs] |
| Talent Agent | So do we have a deal? |
| Peter Griffin | Let's shake on it. |
| [Zipping] |
| Chris Griffin | Mom, are we on TV right now? |
| Lois Griffin | Yes, Chris. Your father signed a contract. |
| Lois Griffin | And now we're gonna be on TV for the next six months. |
| Meg Griffin | How could you do this? |
| Meg Griffin | You've turned my life into the 24-Hour Loser Channel! |
| Stewie Griffin | STEWIE: You, cameraman! |
| Stewie Griffin | Make sure you use that Cybill Shepherd filter! |
| Stewie Griffin | If it makes her look human, it should take six months off my face. |
| Peter Griffin | I find the toothpaste with the pump is a little easier to get on the brush. |
| Peter Griffin | You might've noticed my underwear has a hole in it. |
| Peter Griffin | You know, I don't see any reason to throw it out. |
| Peter Griffin | The waist is still fine. |
| Peter Griffin | You know, see? It's still real stretchy. |
| Meg Griffin | MEG: Mom, you have to do something! |
| Meg Griffin | Dad's on TVparading around in his underwear like some gross European guy! |
| Lois Griffin | Now, sweetie, your father's just a free spirit. |
| Lois Griffin | Here. |
| Lois Griffin | A good breakfast is the foundation of a good day. |
| Brian Griffin | BRIAN: And a bad breakfast is the foundation of indigestion. |
| Brian Griffin | [Hollering] |
| Brian Griffin | Hi, I'm Brian. |
| Stewie Griffin | STEWIE: What the hell is this? |
| Stewie Griffin | I said egg whites only! |
| Stewie Griffin | Are you trying to give me a bloody heart attack? |
| Stewie Griffin | Make it again! |
| Stewie Griffin | The breakfast thing. Yes. |
| Stewie Griffin | It wasn't even about the eggs, really. Frankly, I like the yolks. |
| Stewie Griffin | I have no problem... |
| Stewie Griffin | There's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me. |
| Stewie Griffin | And it's not so much that I want to "kill" her. |
| Stewie Griffin | It's just I want her not to be alive anymore. |
| Stewie Griffin | I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult. |
| Stewie Griffin | And then I think to myself, "My God... |
| Stewie Griffin | "...wouldn't it be marvelous if I turned out to be a homosexual?" |
| Chris Griffin | One time my dad pooped in the neighbor's yard and then lied about it. |
| Joe Swanson | I knew it! |
| Joe Swanson | Well, I'm glad I used his shovel to clean it up! |
| Bonnie Swanson | Joe, this sort of makes you like Larry from Three's Company. |
| Bonnie Swanson | You know, I always thought he was sexy. |
| Joe Swanson | I am all about Larry over here! |
| Peter Griffin | On Sundays we generally catch the early-bird special here at The Lobster Shanty. |
| Peter Griffin | Fresh seafood, good prices. |
| Peter Griffin | Plus it's a shanty. |
| Peter Griffin | And you get to pick your own lobster. |
| Stewie Griffin | Yes. That one looks like he's got some fight in him. |
| Stewie Griffin | Take off the rubber bands! I'm going in! |
| Fan 1 | My God! It is them! |
| Fan 2 | I can't believe the Griffins eat here like everyday people! |
| Meg Griffin | We're, like, trying to eat here. |
| Lois Griffin | Meg, put your bib on. |
| Meg Griffin | I don't want to wear a bib. |
| Lois Griffin | Meg, honey, it's very cold in here. |
| Lois Griffin | Maybe you'd be more comfortable with your bib on. |
| Peter Griffin | She means your nipples are sticking out! |
| Meg Griffin | Mom! |
| Chris Griffin | [Laughs] |
| Chris Griffin | Nipples! |
| Meg Griffin | That's it! I want those cameras off! |
| Chris Griffin | Fourth wall! You're breaking the fourth wall! |
| Peter Griffin | You're the one that got us on TV in the first place. |
| Meg Griffin | Now I'm getting us off TV. I quit! |
| Producer | This isn't necessarily a bad thing. |
| Lois Griffin | We can't do the show without Meg. |
| Producer | Why not? |
| We can't do the show without Meg. |
| Why not? |
| Producer | Our research shows she's the least popular character on the show. |
| Producr | But everyone loves the rest of you. |
| Producer | Lois, women 25 to 49, they see you as a role model. |
| Lois Griffin | Really? |
| Producer | Absolutely. |
| Peter Griffin | What about me? |
| Producer | You! |
| Producer | Look, the bottom line is you folks are all still under contract. Okay? |
| Producer | But I've come up with a solution I think will make everyone happy. |
| Teacher | TEACHER: Jason Gallagher. |
| Jason | JASON: Present. |
| Teacher | Meg Griffin. |
| Meg Griffin | Sorry I'm late, Mr... |
| Meg Actress | Here. |
| [Suspenseful instrumental music] |
| [Suspenseful instrumental music] |
| Meg Griffin | Hello? |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Over here. |
| Peter Griffin | Thank you for meeting us here. Can I offer you a cigarette? |
| Peter Griffin | Sorry. We have to keep this brief. |
| Meg Griffin | MEG: Why are we here? |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: No cameras! |
| Peter Griffin | The TV executives don't want viewers to think you're Meg Griffin. |
| Meg Griffin | You're gonna let them recast me? |
| Peter Griffin | It could've been worse. They could've gone with Plan B. |
| Lois Griffin | Brian, put a mask on. |
| Brian Griffin | I have an announcement. |
| Brian Griffin | "Meg Griffin's plane was shot down over the Sea of Japan. |
| Brian Griffin | "It spun in. |
| Brian Griffin | "There were no survivors." |
| Stewie Griffin | Who do I see about a Section Eight? |
| Meg Griffin | Fine! Do your stupid show without me! I'll be over at Cleveland's house! |
| Meg Griffin | I don't even want to be a part of this family anymore! |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: She'll be okay. Come on. We gotta get back. |
| Peter Griffin | The cameramen think we're taking Chris to soccer practice. |
| Chris Griffin | We're gonna be late! |
| Chris Griffin | Why won't you talk to me? |
| Loretta | Meg, honey. |
| Cleveland | Our home is your home for as long as you like. |
| Cleveland | We could offer you the guest room provided it doesn't bother you that my Great Uncle Chet died in there. |
| Meg Griffin | Oh. I guess not. |
| Meg Griffin | When did he die? |
| Cleveland | We think sometime between The Tonight Show and The Today Show. |
| [Carefree laughter] |
| Peter Griffin | You know, some people think that dandelions are weeds. |
| Peter Griffin | But you know, I always think who the hell decided tulips were so great? |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Hey, I'm over here. |
| Meg Actress | Hi, Chris. |
| Chris Griffin | You know my name? |
| Meg Actress | Of course I do, silly. I'm your sister, Meg. |
| Chris Griffin | Oh. |
| Chris Griffin | I don't know if Mom and Dad told you, but we usually have breakfast naked. |
| Chris Griffin | And I'm allowed to videotape it. |
| Meg Actress | My skin's getting so slippery. Hope I don't pop out of my top! |
| Peter Griffin | Camera guy. Check this out. |
| Peter Griffin | "Peter Griffin and Madam." |
| Peter Griffin | Madam, you're a lusty old gal, aren't you? |
| Peter Griffin | "You're the one with your hand up my backside, darling." |
| Peter Griffin | Oh! She got me. |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, come back here. |
| Peter Griffin | She's gonna sing Rainbow Connection. |
| Meg Griffin | MEG: Mr. Quagmire, can I use your toothpaste? |
| Meg Griffin | My God. Excuse me. |
| Quagmire | Hey, no problem. |
| Quagmire | You probably bought me another three minutes! |
| Peter Griffin | The funniest thing happened at work today. There was this... |
| Meg Actress | FAKE MEG: Hi. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Hey! |
| Meg Actress | I had the worst day. |
| Meg Actress | First I didn't make cheerleader because I'm so plain. |
| Meg Actress | And I still don't have a date for Friday night, as usual. |
| Meg Actress | I'm going to write in my journal about how I'll never grow big, full breasts like these! |
| Peter Griffin | It's not fair, Lois. |
| Peter Griffin | If I don't get any airtime, how will I get my own spin-off where I'm a retired baseball umpire who opens a bar at the center of the earth? |
| [Peppy instrumental music] |
| Peter Griffin | You know, we don't get many of you molten-rock men in here. |
| Molten Rock Man | At these prices, I'm not surprised! |
| Peter Griffin | That's it, pal! |
| Peter Griffin | You are outta here! |
| [Cheering] |
| Lois Griffin | To hell with the cameras! |
| Lois Griffin | How could we ever let them replace our little girl? |
| Lois Griffin | I miss her, Peter. |
| Peter Griffin | Me, too. |
| Peter Griffin | She's like that dorky Baldwin brother who isn't as good-Iooking or successful and never answers my letters, but he's still a Baldwin! |
| Lois Griffin | And so is Meg! Let's go get her back! |
| Producer | PRODUCER: What can I do for you? |
| Peter Griffin | I'll tell you what you can do. |
| Peter Griffin | Fire that sexy, interesting version of our daughter and make us a family again, or we walk! |
| Producer | Fire her? She's the highest testing character on the show. |
| Producer | Besides, you can't quit. You have a contract. |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, yeah? Here's what I think of your contract! |
| Peter Griffin | I think it's awful, and I don't much care for it at all, my good sir. |
| Lois Griffin | Let's go. We're outta here. |
| Producer | You put me in a very awkward position, Peter. |
| Producer | But I guess I have no choice. |
| [Sentimental instrumental music] |
| Meg Griffin | MEG: Mom? Dad? |
| Meg Griffin | I'm home! |
| Meg Griffin | Who are you? |
| Tom Arnold | We're the Griffins. |
| Meg Griffin | MEG: No, you're not. You're Tom Arnold. And you're Fran Drescher. |
| Meg Griffin | And you're that fat guy from Boogie Nights. |
| Meg Griffin | And you're the Olsen twins? |
| Mary-Kate Olsen | Blast! Damn you all! Victory is mine! |
| Ashley Olsen | Whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here? |
| Fran Drescher | FRAN: Oh, Peter, you promised me you wouldn't drink at the stag party. |
| Fran Drescher | [High-pitched nasal laugh] |
| Lois Griffin | I do not sound like that! This is terrible. |
| Lois Griffin | We're the laughing stock of the town! And we've lost our daughter! |
| [Knocking at door] |
| Lois Griffin | Meg! |
| Meg Griffin | Mom. |
| Meg Griffin | Look, I don't care if you guys embarrass me. I want to come home. |
| Lois Griffin | Sweetie. It's good to have you back. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Hey, honey. I'm sorry we missed your ball game. |
| Meg Griffin | What? |
| Peter Griffin | Here's an ice cream. We love you, Meg. |
| Meg Griffin | I love you, too. |
| [Tender instrumental music] |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, Lois. There's a Bible in here. |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, look at me! I'm a Christian! |
| Peter Griffin | I'm reading the Bible! |
| [Tender instrumental music] |
| [Sinister instrumental music] |
| [Theme music] |