| Lois Griffin | [Singing] "It seems today that all you see |
| Lois Griffin | "is violence in movies and sex on TV |
| Peter Griffin | "But where are those good, old-fashioned values |
| Peter Griffin | "on which we used to rely? |
| All | "Lucky there's a family guy |
| All | "Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you |
| All | "all the things that make us |
| Stewie Griffin | "laugh 'n' cry |
| All | "He's a family guy" |
| [Suspenseful instrumental music] |
| Man | Billiam, are you there? |
| Man | [Gasps] |
| Man | Stewie! What the devil are you doing here? |
| Stewie Griffin | Billiam sent me. He wanted me to tell you I killed him. |
| Man | [Gasps] |
| [Suspenseful instrumental music] |
| Stewie Griffin | Give me the other half of the amulet! |
| Stewie Griffin | I don't think you'll be making it to Marrakesh. |
| Man | Don't, please! |
| Stewie Griffin | STEWIE: No! Jeffrey, take the |
| Stewie Griffin | 9:00 p.m. To Houndslow out of your mouth! |
| Lois Griffin | Oh, look at that. Our little boys are becoming fast friends. |
| Stewie Griffin | I say, Jeffrey, be a sport, will you? |
| Stewie Griffin | And go get the sifter so we can build our sand village. |
| Stewie Griffin | That's right, a little further. |
| [Sinister instrumental music] |
| Stewie Griffin | Everyone, meet Jeffrey the newest member of the Club of Forgotten Children. |
| [Menacing instrumental music] |
| Stewie Griffin | [Sings] "Steve walks warily down the street with his brim pulled way down low" |
| Lois Griffin | What the hell are you doing? |
| Lois Griffin | Taking down the Christmas decorations. |
| [Glass breaking] |
| [Rock music playing on radio] |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, I'm a little concerned about Stewie. |
| Lois Griffin | He doesn't seem to be playing well with other children. |
| Peter Griffin | He's fine. I was quite a troublemaker myself, when I was a kid. |
| Cat in the Hat | CAT: Look, your parents will be home any minute. |
| Cat in the Hat | Are you sure you don't want me to clean up this mess? |
| Peter Griffin | No. Go. It'll be funny. |
| Lois Griffin | Stewie needs to learn how to socialize with other children. |
| Lois Griffin | Maybe we should put him in daycare. |
| Peter Griffin | Lois, his answers are out on the open road. |
| Peter Griffin | I say we give him a hobo pack on the end of a stick a can of beans, and a pocket full of dreams. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, do you even know which one of our children I'm talking about? |
| Peter Griffin | Gordon? |
| Chris Griffin | I got him! It's just like hunting. |
| Lois Griffin | Chris, stop it! What will the neighbors think? |
| Gladys | Abner! Abner! |
| Gladys | The Griffin boy just killed a plastic reindeer! |
| Abner | Gladys, it took me two hours to work up the courage to rent this porno. |
| Abner | Now are you gonna watch it with me or not? |
| Lois Griffin | Okay, honey. Mommy's leaving you here for a little while. |
| Lois Griffin | Try to play nice with the other children. |
| Stewie Griffin | What do you mean you're leaving me here? What is this place? |
| [Children crying] |
| Father | FATHER: Let go. |
| Stewie Griffin | Why, you soulless witch! |
| Stewie Griffin | This is a biogenetic experimentation facility, isn't it? Admit it! |
| Lois Griffin | Oh, sweetheart, don't be upset. You're gonna have fun here. |
| Stewie Griffin | STEWIE: If this is about the whole "me killing you" thing, it was a bit. |
| Stewie Griffin | I was doing shtick, I tell you! |
| Stewie Griffin | Humina-humina-humina! |
| Lois Griffin | I'm so bored. Without Stewie around, I have nothing to do. |
| Brian Griffin | Well, we could get hammered. |
| Lois Griffin | It's too early for me, but you go ahead. |
| Lois Griffin | [Sighs] |
| Lois Griffin | What happened to me? |
| Lois Griffin | You know, before I was married, I led a very exciting life. |
| Lois Griffin | Oh, my God! |
| Lois Griffin | The actress who was the girl in Escape from Witch Mountain! |
| Brian Griffin | Well, maybe a part-time job would liven up your days. |
| Lois Griffin | Brian! That's a terrific idea! |
| Peter Griffin | A job? Lois, the '70s are over. Forget it. |
| Chris Griffin | Mom, you can't get a job. |
| Chris Griffin | The last time you left Dad home alone, he turned the house into a giant puppet. |
| Peter Griffin | Hey! Stay out of here! |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Nobody better come in here. I'm the Griffins' house. |
| Peter Griffin | Bring me a tool shed, for I am hungry. |
| Chris Griffin | If you get a job, who's gonna feed me and protect me from the evil monkey in my closet? |
| Lois Griffin | Now, Chris, you know there's no such thing. |
| [Scary instrumental music] |
| Chris Griffin | No! |
| Chris Griffin | [Crying] |
| Peter Griffin | Now you've gone and upset the boy. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, this is a new chapter in my life. |
| Lois Griffin | The kids are growing, the nest is empty, and I need some excitement. |
| Peter Griffin | What are you talking about? Your life is plenty exciting. For example... |
| Peter Griffin | There you go. Good night. |
| Brad | BRAD: Duck, duck, duck... |
| Stewie Griffin | I say, does anyone know how The Practice ended last night? |
| Stewie Griffin | I dozed off during the verdict. |
| Brad | Goose! |
| Stewie Griffin | Oh, dear. It seems you're still It. |
| Janet | [Laughing] |
| [Romantic instrumental music] |
| Teacher | TEACHER: Stewie, what have you done? That's not the way we play. |
| Teacher | You sit here, Brad. Stewie's It. |
| Stewie Griffin | Aren't you the one in charge? |
| Stewie Griffin | Let's see now. Duck, duck, duck goose! |
| Stewie Griffin | Come on, now! I barely touched you! Really, stop it! Stop your boo-hooing! |
| Stewie Griffin | Stop it, I say! Stop it! |
| Stewie Griffin | You see, this is exactly why people don't respect the WNBA. |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, guys, get this. So Lois wants a part-time job, right? |
| Peter Griffin | So I'm like, "I got a job for you, baby, right here." |
| Peter Griffin | This zipper's been broken for over a month. I gotta use a damn safety pin. |
| Quagmire | Hey, if Lois is looking for a thrill, I could get her a job with the airline. |
| Quagmire | Stewardesses travel to all kinds of exotic places and their husbands fly anywhere for free! |
| Peter Griffin | Fly for free? |
| Peter Griffin | Sorry, Tink, looks like I don't need you anymore. |
| Tinkerbell | TINKERBELL: So you're gonna dump me, just like that? |
| Peter Griffin | You knew what this was. |
| Lois Griffin | A flight attendant? Wow. That does sound exciting. |
| Lois Griffin | What made you change your mind? |
| Peter Griffin | Just my desire to see you happy. |
| Peter Griffin | And to exploit your hard labor for free travel and fun. |
| Lois Griffin | What? |
| Peter Griffin | I didn't say anything. Go to sleep, crazy lady. |
| Stewie Griffin | [Snoring] |
| Stewie Griffin | Oh, Rupert, I can't sleep. |
| Stewie Griffin | I don't suppose you have any Valium on you? |
| Stewie Griffin | Of course not. You're living the clean life now. |
| Stewie Griffin | It's that pathetic little insect in daycare, Janet. |
| Stewie Griffin | Whining, insignificant wisp of fluff, she is. |
| Stewie Griffin | Still, I find it rather odd that she's even on my mind at all. |
| Stewie Griffin | STEWIE: What has come over me? |
| Brian Griffin | BRIAN: Well, well, well. |
| Brian Griffin | Looks like someone's in love. |
| Stewie Griffin | Ha! That's so funny I forgot to laugh, excluding that first "ha." |
| Brian Griffin | Face it, you're a sucker for a woman with blue eyes. |
| Stewie Griffin | Her eyes are green! |
| Brian Griffin | Thank you for proving my point. |
| Stewie Griffin | Damn! |
| Stewie Griffin | STEWIE: Look at her. |
| Stewie Griffin | Sitting there with her curly ebony locks and those pouty, come-hither lips. |
| Stewie Griffin | STEWIE: My God, she's unappealing! |
| Kid | KID: Go! |
| Stewie Griffin | Who said that? Who's got the big diapers? |
| Stewie Griffin | She's gone. Good. Well, I'm off. |
| Janet | Hi, Stewie. |
| Stewie Griffin | [Stuttering] |
| Stewie Griffin | Leonard, you pudgy-faced Apple John! I will not be made a fool of! |
| Flight Attendant | Here's your pillow, sir, and your Sports Illustrated. |
| Peter Griffin | Miss, he keeps putting his arm on my armrest! |
| Man | It's my armrest! |
| Peter Griffin | It is not, stupid head! |
| Man | He keeps trying to take my apple juice! |
| Flight Attendant | I'll bring you your own juice. |
| Man | Hey, he keeps licking his finger and touching me! |
| Lois Griffin | Hey, fellas, I hope you're hungry. |
| Lois Griffin | Oh, my God! What am I gonna... Somebody help! |
| Pilots | [Laughing] |
| Pilot | That was great! Look at her! She's still shaking. |
| Lois Griffin | Bastards. |
| Pilot | That was beautiful. Hey, throw me a beer, would you? |
| [Bell ringing] |
| Peter Griffin | Stewardess, the plane just made my beer spill. I want a free one. |
| Flight Attendant | Sir, all your beers have been free. All nine of them. |
| Peter Griffin | And don't you forget it, Frenchie. |
| Peter Griffin | Now bring me another one and get out of my way. The movie is starting. |
| Peter Griffin | Morgan Freeman in Deep Impact! Oh, come on! |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, show me Morgan Fairchild in Deep something. |
| Peter Griffin | You don't care. Hey, Frenchie, is my fort ready? |
| Flight Attendant | Yes, Mr. Griffin, even though no one else has any pillows now. |
| Peter Griffin | All right! |
| Stewie Griffin | STEWIE: I tell you, Leonard, women are wicked creatures! |
| Stewie Griffin | Their treachery has precipitated the downfall of history's most powerful men! |
| Stewie Griffin | Let it be known I want nothing to do with the wretched enterprise of love! |
| Stewie Griffin | Janet's coming. |
| Stewie Griffin | Yes, yes. |
| Janet | Hi. |
| Janet | Cookie? |
| Stewie Griffin | No, actually it's Stewie, but you can call me Cookie if you like. |
| Stewie Griffin | Yes, I've also been known to answer to Artimus, Agent Buchwald, and Snake. |
| Stewie Griffin | Yes, I rather like Snake. |
| Stewie Griffin | Snake Griffin. |
| Janet | Cookie. |
| Stewie Griffin | Oh, you want my cookie. Oh, yes. By all means. There you are. |
| Stewie Griffin | Oops! A little bit broke off there. |
| Stewie Griffin | Well, that's the way the cookie crumbles. |
| Stewie Griffin | [Laughing] |
| Stewie Griffin | Yes, you'll get that one halfway back to your mat. |
| Stewie Griffin | [Forced laughing] |
| Stewie Griffin | Oh, Cupid, hast thou pierced me with thine sweet, searing arrow? |
| Stewie Griffin | Stomach, cease thy lustful quake. |
| Stewie Griffin | Unhand me, woman! I don't have gas! I'm in love! |
| Stewie Griffin | Well then, I guess it's both. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, I'm home! |
| Lois Griffin | How was your day? |
| Peter Griffin | My day? |
| Peter Griffin | You okay there, Mr. Crocodile? |
| Peter Griffin | Wake up, wake up, wake up. |
| Peter Griffin | You need some lotion, Mr. Bad Skin? |
| Peter Griffin | There you go. |
| Peter Griffin | [Screaming] |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Oh, God! |
| Peter Griffin | My day was okay. You know, the usual. |
| Peter Griffin | How about yours, my little sky princess? I bet it was exciting. |
| Lois Griffin | Oh, yeah. |
| Lois Griffin | If you like running through a gauntlet of drunk, horny businessmen. |
| Lois Griffin | My ass feels like a pincushion. I'm thinking of quitting. |
| Peter Griffin | What? Lois, you can't quit. What if Kurt Cobain had quit? |
| [Band playing rock 'n' roll] |
| Kurt Cobain | COBAIN: Thank you! And remember, say no to drugs! |
| Agent | Great concert, Kurt. The label's excited about your seventh album. |
| Kurt Cobain | Thanks. You remember my wife, Courtney Love? |
| Agent | Who? |
| Lois Griffin | Well, I guess I'll give it a little more time. |
| Lois Griffin | It's like I always tell the kids, "A quitter never wins," and, "Don't trust Whitey." |
| Peter Griffin | That's the spirit! |
| Stewie Griffin | All right, here I go. |
| Janet | Stewie. |
| Stewie Griffin | Hello, Janet. How about a push? |
| Stewie Griffin | [Screaming] |
| Janet | [Laughing] |
| Stewie Griffin | Yes, I suppose that was rather funny, wasn't it? |
| Stewie Griffin | You know, it's odd, Janet. But when I'm with you, I'm... |
| Stewie Griffin | How do I describe it? |
| Stewie Griffin | [Singing] "You make me feel so young |
| Stewie Griffin | "You make me feel like spring has sprung |
| Stewie Griffin | "And every time I see you grin |
| Stewie Griffin | "I'm such a happy individual |
| Stewie Griffin | "The moment that you speak |
| Stewie Griffin | "I want to go and play hide-and-seek |
| Stewie Griffin | "I want to go and bounce the moon |
| Stewie Griffin | "Just like a big toy balloon |
| Stewie Griffin | "Darling, you and I |
| Stewie Griffin | "are just like a couple of tots |
| Stewie Griffin | "running across the meadow |
| Stewie Griffin | "picking up lots of forget-me-nots |
| Stewie Griffin | "You make me feel so young |
| Stewie Griffin | "You make me feel there are songs to be sung |
| Stewie Griffin | "Bells to be rung, And a wonderful fling to be flung |
| Stewie Griffin | "And even when I'm old and gray |
| Stewie Griffin | "I'm going to feel the way I do today |
| Stewie Griffin | "because you make me feel so young" |
| Man | [Speaking Arabic] |
| Lois Griffin | Excuse me? |
| Man | I said, "May I have a blanket?" |
| Stewie Griffin | Oh, yes. Of course. |
| Man | Ha! I really said "Will you be my wife?" And you said yes so it's official. Let me touch your face! |
| Flight Attendant | Lois, we could use your help in Coach. |
| Peter Griffin | Okay, everyone, it's time for my one-man show Winston Churchill, We Hardly Knew Ye. |
| Peter Griffin | Okay, Act 1. "I'm Winston Churchill. |
| Peter Griffin | "Would you like some tea? I would, because I'm Winston Churchill. |
| Peter Griffin | "Would you like a crumpet? I would, because I'm Winston Churchill. |
| Peter Griffin | "Would you like to wear knickers? I would, because I'm..." |
| Man | MAN: My wife is very ill! |
| Woman | Yes, do you mind? I paid $380 for this flight. |
| Peter Griffin | $380? Jeez, I hope they kissed you first. |
| Peter Griffin | This is my fourth trip today. Just this morning, I went to Kentucky. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Wait a second. |
| Peter Griffin | You're telling me I flew all the way to Kentucky to get some of your fried chicken, and the Colonel isn't even working today? |
| Resaurant Employee | He ain't real. He dead. |
| Peter Griffin | What? |
| Resaurant Employee | I say he dead. |
| Peter Griffin | Is Mr. Sanders in? |
| Resaurant Employee | What wrong with you? I say you he dead! |
| Peter Griffin | The Colonel! |
| Peter Griffin | My wife is a stewardess, so I can fly anywhere I want and I don't pay jack! |
| Lois Griffin | Peter! |
| Peter Griffin | Lois! |
| Lois Griffin | You convinced me to keep a job I hate just so you could fly free? |
| Peter Griffin | If I talked real loud like that, I could make you look like the bad guy, too. |
| Lois Griffin | My feet are killing me, I've got vomit in my pocket and I've seen that crappy Julia Roberts movie 47 times! |
| Lois Griffin | Have you seen the lips on that woman? It's like a baboon's ass on her face! |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, I took this job for the excitement, and you're the one who's having it all! |
| Peter Griffin | It's excitement you want, eh? |
| Peter Griffin | How would you like to join the Mile-High Club? Come on. |
| Peter Griffin | You'll be the stewardess and I'll be the mysterious stranger who's drilling you. |
| Lois Griffin | Move! I have a lot of work to do. |
| Peter Griffin | I can't. I'm stuck. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, the passengers need me. |
| Peter Griffin | They're watching the movie. They're fine. |
| Hijacker | Okay, everyone! This is a hijacking! |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, could you move your arm? Just slide over. Please. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Lois. |
| Lois Griffin | It's like moving a futon. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Lois! |
| Lois Griffin | Just slide your leg over! Peter, please! |
| Peter Griffin | [Screaming] |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Well, Lois, at least one of us is in the Mile-High Club. |
| Lois Griffin | [Lois sighing] |
| Diane Simmons | Well, the hijacking of Flight 52 is over. |
| Diane Simmons | The plane has safely landed in Cuba, and all Americans aboard are on their way home with the exception of one couple: |
| Diane Simmons | A fat man who is inexplicably married to an attractive redhead. |
| Diane Simmons | Here's an artist rendering of what they might look like. |
| Lois Griffin | I just called Brian. |
| Lois Griffin | He's gonna watch the kids till we get back. When will our passports arrive? |
| Man | Check back in two weeks. |
| Lois Griffin | Two weeks? But I have a baby at home! |
| Man | We would have sent you back with the other passengers but we didn't know you were stuck in the bathroom. |
| Lois Griffin | We weren't doing what you're thinking. |
| Peter Griffin | I was. |
| Man | We apologize for the hijacking. |
| Peter Griffin | That's okay. |
| Peter Griffin | You people are nothing like the Communists they show on TV. |
| Announcer | TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to The Communists. |
| [Happy instrumental music] |
| Man | I hear report cards were handed out today. What were your grades? |
| Boy | [Stuttering] |
| Woman | Quit Stalin and answer your father. |
| [Audience laughing] |
| Man | Go ahead, honey, and tell us your Marx. |
| [Audience laughing] |
| Boy | Do I Khrushchev? |
| Man | Did somebody say "Khrushchev"? |
| [Dance music playing] |
| Stewie Griffin | STEWIE: Janet, do you like this couch? |
| Stewie Griffin | You truly are beautiful. You know that? |
| Stewie Griffin | Janet, our future is so bright. |
| Janet | Cookie? |
| Stewie Griffin | Oh, yes. There'll be lots of cookies and there'll be dancing Christmas mornings, and arguments over the proper way to discipline the children, and... |
| Stewie Griffin | What are you doing? Who the hell is this? Is there something you need to tell me? |
| Stewie Griffin | Because if I'm the only one in this thing, I think I deserve to know. |
| Stewie Griffin | I see. Your silence says it all. |
| [Sad instrumental music] |
| [Latin instrumental music] |
| Lois Griffin | Well, this is just great. How the hell are we supposed to get home? |
| Peter Griffin | All we gotta do is get fake passports on the black market. |
| Lois Griffin | Where are you going? |
| Lois Griffin | You're never gonna find the black market! |
| Peter Griffin | You said that about that back-alley abortionist. |
| Peter Griffin | I'm glad you changed your mind. The point is, I found the guy. |
| Peter Griffin | Okay, there she is. |
| Stewie Griffin | [Laughing] |
| Stewie Griffin | That is absolutely classic! Melinda, you're an utter delight. |
| Stewie Griffin | Oh, hello, Janet. Yes, you know Melinda. |
| Stewie Griffin | Yes, it seems she's... What did we figure out, dear? |
| Stewie Griffin | Was it one? No, two. Yes, she's two weeks younger than you. |
| Stewie Griffin | Just look at that butt! That is a tight butt! |
| Stewie Griffin | Damn! Not even a second glance! |
| Stewie Griffin | This is what you call "dolled up"? |
| Stewie Griffin | Listen, why don't you save yourself years of sexual ambiguity and get fitted for a pair of Doc Martens and a plaid flannel shirt? |
| Peter Griffin | There it is! The black market! |
| Peter Griffin | Lois, if we don't make it out of here alive, I should tell you I promised my first girlfriend we'd meet up in Heaven. I was lying. |
| Peter Griffin | Just so you know, it's something we might have to deal with. |
| [Muzak playing] |
| Man | Okay. Two American passports. |
| Man | Would you like to join the Black Market Club? |
| Man | Ten percent off your first purchase. |
| Lois Griffin | No, thank you. We're not from the area. Peter, just pay the man. |
| Peter Griffin | Do you accept bits of string? |
| Man | Sorry. Store policy. |
| Man | But you know, there is another way for you to travel. |
| Stewie Griffin | It's over, Leonard. |
| Stewie Griffin | I suppose I should be grateful to that saucy harlot. |
| Stewie Griffin | She taught me a valuable lesson. |
| Stewie Griffin | There's really no such thing as love. It's just a puffed-up word used by Madison Avenue to sell their skin creams and two-seater cars. |
| Stewie Griffin | Oh, it's no use! She swims in my blood now. |
| Stewie Griffin | I must have her! |
| Stewie Griffin | Darling, why are we tormenting ourselves like this? |
| Stewie Griffin | We're perfect for each other. |
| Stewie Griffin | I admit we've got our problems, like any couple but true love conquers all! |
| Janet | I like you. |
| Stewie Griffin | You like me? |
| Stewie Griffin | Well, it's not love, but it's a start! |
| Stewie Griffin | Oh, Janet, you've made me the happiest man in the whole world! |
| Janet | Cookie? |
| Stewie Griffin | Of course you can have a cookie. |
| Stewie Griffin | Stay right there. |
| Stewie Griffin | "Cookie." |
| Janet | Cookie. |
| Janet | Cookie. |
| Janet | Cookie. |
| Stewie Griffin | You don't care about me! It's my cookies! |
| Stewie Griffin | It's always been the damn cookies! Well, sugar, the bakery just closed! |
| Stewie Griffin | You'll have to get your fill somewhere else, you oatmeal-raisin-Ioving tart! |
| Stewie Griffin | Don't let her see you cry, old man. Don't let her see you cry! |
| Lois Griffin | Well, we're finally going home. |
| Peter Griffin | I'm sorry I tricked you into that job, honey. |
| Peter Griffin | You deserve to have a more exciting life. |
| Lois Griffin | Oh, Peter. |
| Lois Griffin | Being married to you gives me all the excitement I can handle. |
| Lois Griffin | I mean, look at us. On a boat in the middle of the Atlantic under the moonlight, surrounded by refugees. |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah. About that. |
| Peter Griffin | You know, Miguel over there has had his eye on you and his wife, Rosa, is very open. |
| Lois Griffin | What? |
| Peter Griffin | No, nothing. This is nice. |
| [Theme music] |