Subtitle Scripts

Lois GriffinOh, my. Tomatoes are $3.99 a pound.
Lois GriffinThat's so high. Isn't that high? It seems so high.
Stewie GriffinThis is interminable!
Stewie GriffinI demand to know why you insist on taking me everywhere you go!
Stewie GriffinReally! What could possibly happen if you left me home by myself?
Jimmy CaanGreat party, Griff.
Stewie GriffinGirls, you know Jimmy Caan. Jimmy, make yourself at home.
Jimmy CaanHey, thanks.
Stewie GriffinI meant, have a Cheese Doodle. But whatever. It's a party.
Lois GriffinInstant stuffing or instant mashed potatoes?
Lois GriffinThe choices are so...
[Glass shattering]
Peter GriffinCleanup on Aisle 3! I got it!
Lois GriffinWhere's Chris?
Chris GriffinI love you, She-Hulk.
Security GaurdAll right, son. I'm gonna need those two hams back.
Chris GriffinI don't have any hams.
Security GaurdLift up your shirt, son.
Chris GriffinI need an adult!
Security GaurdYou're not a shoplifter!
Security GaurdYou're just a fat kid. Sorry about that, Fatty Fat Fatty.
Security GaurdHey, Tom! He's just a fat kid!
Security GaurdAren't you, Fatty? You're just a big old fat kid.
Security GaurdHere's some chocolate, Fatso.
Chris GriffinThanks!
Lois GriffinBrian, flea collars are on sale.
Brian GriffinToo many chemicals.
Brian GriffinThis year I'm trying a more natural alternative.
Brian Griffin[Screaming]
Brian GriffinSorry, Dr. Ling. I guess I'm nervous. This whole thing is a little weird.
Dr. LingNever you fear, laddie-buck. I've been doing this all me life.
Dr. LingYou see, the reason your fleas are drawn to you is your kidney energy is being blocked by a dark chi.
Dr. LingOr what we call in my country, wee-fung-chow-hu.
Brian GriffinHey, Doc. Do you have to keep those two boxes next to each other?
Dr. LingWhy? What do they say?
Brian GriffinI think we're through here.
Lois Griffin[Singing] "It seems today that all you see
Lois Griffin"is violence in movies and sex on TV
Peter Griffin"But where are those good, old-fashioned values
Peter Griffin"on which we used to rely?
All"Lucky there's a family guy
All"Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you
All"all the things that make us
Stewie Griffin"laugh 'n' cry
All"He's a family guy"
Stewie GriffinAttention, world leaders.
Stewie GriffinI have 137 nuclear warheads trained on every capital city around the globe.
Stewie GriffinThe world is now under my control!
Stewie GriffinBut oh, no! I'm naked!
[Laughing]
Stewie GriffinWhat the deuce? Fleas!
Stewie Griffin[Screaming]
Stewie GriffinDamn you, Mop 'n Glo.
Stewie GriffinWake up, Leona!
Stewie GriffinThis decrepit Hooverville is infested with something besides idiots!
Lois GriffinOh, my gosh! Stewie, you've got bugs on your jammies.
Lois GriffinPeter, wake up!
Peter GriffinWhat?
Lois GriffinStewie's covered with fleas!
Peter GriffinThat's nothing. Once when I was a kid, I was covered with ticks.
Lois GriffinPeter, it's not a contest.
Peter GriffinIt was back then.
Lois Griffin[Gasps]
Lois GriffinOh, no. Brian.
Stewie GriffinThat's it! Time for doggie to go the way of Old Yeller.
MotherOld Yeller, did I get a call from Tony?
Old YellerOh, yeah. He left a message. I forgot to tell you.
MotherIs it on the machine?
Old YellerI erased it.
MotherAll right, out back.
TravisNo, Ma. Yeller's my dog. I'll do it.
Old YellerCome on! He'll call back!
Brian Griffin[Grunting]
Lois GriffinBrian, are you okay?
Brian GriffinOkay?
Brian GriffinI'm covered in fleas, lady! I'm losing it here!
Peter GriffinGet a hold of yourself!
Lois GriffinYou're supposed to hit Brian!
Chris GriffinDad, I'm itchy! I'm itchy!
Meg GriffinMEG: Out of my way, wide load! Mom, there's fleas all over the house!
Peter GriffinPETER: There's one thing to do.
Peter GriffinLearn the language of the fleas, earn their trust then breed with their women.
Peter GriffinAnd in time, our differences will be forgotten.
Lois GriffinCall the damn exterminator!
[Siren going off]
?We got a 602 at 31 Spooner Street!
?[Heroic instrumental music]
?Logan, let's go!
LoganI can't.
LoganI just can't.
FlahertyFLAHERTY: What's with you? You look like hell.
?Flaherty, he just watched his wife and kid get carried away by 7 million fire ants.
?I don't want to meet the man who looks good after that.
[Heroic instrumental music]
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
?My God! They're everywhere!
?They're on the carpet!
?Got one over here!
?It's no good! There are too many of them!
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
?What do we do now? What the hell do we do now?
?We pray.
[Gun firing]
?Logan, you son of a bitch!
LoganYou think I'd miss this party?
Brian GriffinI feel terrible about this whole thing.
Brian GriffinWhy don't I put us up at a nice hotel for a while?
Lois GriffinThat's a great idea, Brian. It'll be like a little vacation.
Peter GriffinYou might want to bring some cash.
Peter GriffinYou know, some places don't take credit cards.
GirlBut, Mister, I need real money. I can't take a credit card.
Peter GriffinI see. Cash only?
Peter GriffinNo paper trail? What are you selling?
Peter GriffinReefer, crack, smack, horse, X, shrooms, dust, meth?
Peter GriffinIn my neighborhood? I don't think so!
Girl[Crying]
Lois GriffinOh, my. What a lovely room.
Lois GriffinAnd it's so clean.
Stewie GriffinI think the ultraviolet scanning light will be the judge of that.
Stewie GriffinI picked this up on Dateline from that yummy exo-skeleton, Maria Shriver.
Stewie GriffinJust as I thought. Oatmeal, spittle semen!
Stewie GriffinThis must be where Wilford Brimley was strangled by Bob Crane!
Peter GriffinPETER: Cannonball!
Lois GriffinJump in, honey. Don't be afraid. The turtle will keep you safe.
Stewie GriffinFor God's sake, I'm to entrust my life to a turtle?
Stewie GriffinNature's "D" student?
Stewie GriffinThis is marvelous! I feel like a young Johnny Weissmuller.
Peter GriffinChris, aren't you coming in?
Chris GriffinCan I swim with my shirt on?
Peter GriffinNo. You can't swim with your shirt on.
Peter GriffinWait a second. What are you hiding under your shirt?
Peter GriffinPETER: Are you bruised? Did somebody hit you?
Peter GriffinLois, what did you do to my son?
Lois GriffinWill you keep your voice down? You're embarrassing him.
Peter GriffinWhat? If I wanted to embarrass him, I'd do something like this.
Peter GriffinHey, everybody!
Peter GriffinLook what Chris Griffin's father, Peter Griffin is doing!
[People exclaiming]
Lois GriffinStop it!
Peter GriffinWhy don't you want to take your shirt off?
Chris GriffinBecause I'm fat.
Lois GriffinHoney, no one thinks you're fat.
Hotel AttendantI'm sorry, sir. You can't park your van on the diving board.
Peter GriffinThis is my son!
Hotel AttendantMy apologies.
Hotel AttendantHey, Tom! He's not a van! He's just a fat kid!
Peter GriffinDon't listen to him. I'll go get you a soda. You wait here.
Stewie GriffinSTEWIE: I say, hello! You there, I'm ready to get out!
Stewie GriffinSomebody! Oh, my! What was that?
Stewie GriffinHello, Mr. Water Jet.
Meg GriffinMEG: You ready to...
Stewie GriffinSTEWIE: Go away!
Peter GriffinYou're not fat.
Peter GriffinYou just come from a long line of husky Griffins.
Peter GriffinLike your great-great-great uncle, Jabba the Griffin.
Jabba the GriffinRaja nabadua gola wookie nipple pinchie.
Lois GriffinHoney, if you want to lose weight, I'll put you on a diet and your father can help you exercise. - Really?
Meg GriffinWhy not do what the supermodels do?
Meg GriffinStick your finger in your throat and throw up until you're skinny.
Peter GriffinDon't listen to your sister.
Peter GriffinSticking your finger down your throat doesn't make you throw up.
Peter Griffin[Vomit gushing]
Lois GriffinPeter, you okay?
Lois GriffinMeatloaf for us, and a very special very delicious steamed vegetable dish for Chris.
Lois Griffin...very delicious steamed vegetable dish for Chris.
Chris GriffinI hate vegetables.
Lois GriffinHoney, they're good for you.
Chris GriffinIt tastes like a monkey. A monkey that's past his prime.
Stewie GriffinThis meatloaf is a symphony of flavor.
Stewie GriffinIt's too bad you can't have some. It's practically orgasmic!
Stewie GriffinOh, yes!
Stewie Griffin[Faking orgasm]
Brian GriffinI'll have what he's having.
Peter GriffinPETER: Okay, Chris.
Peter GriffinTime for some old-fashioned exercise like those guys are doing.
BarnabyI say, Phineas, great day to be doing squat thrusts and lifting our huge triangular iron weights!
[Lively grunting]
Chris GriffinDad, I don't like running.
Chris GriffinThe sound of my thighs scraping together hurts my ears.
Chris GriffinHey, a Twinkie!
Chris Griffin[Laughing]
Chris GriffinI'm gonna get you!
Peter GriffinCome on. You can do it. Feel the burn, Chris.
Peter GriffinPETER: Atta boy. All the way upstream, buddy.
Chris Griffin[Screaming]
Peter GriffinOkay, just relax. Try to soil yourself, like we practiced.
Chris GriffinDad, this says I gained weight.
Peter GriffinThat's impossible. Take off your shirt.
Peter GriffinWhat the hell is that?
Stewie Griffin[Gasping for air]
Stewie GriffinBovine lummox!
Stewie Griffin[Panting]
Stewie GriffinSTEWIE: Oh, God!
Peter GriffinI tell you, he's been working out all week and he hasn't lost a pound.
ClevelandIf you're this desperate about his weight why don't you just suck the fat out?
Peter GriffinIf you can find a hole on him that you want to put your lips on, be my guest.
ClevelandCLEVELAND: I'm talking about liposuction.
ClevelandMy brother Broderick's a cosmetic surgeon.
Peter GriffinIs he good?
ClevelandWell, Nell Carter used to be twice as big before Broderick got through with her.
ClevelandFYI, he used the fat he took out of her to make the two kids from Good Burger.
BroderickThis is a very safe procedure, son.
BroderickYou won't feel a thing. I'm like a Green Beret, you know?
BroderickI sneak inside you and I skulk around like it's Vietnam or something.
BroderickI'm sneaking through the bush, you know?
BroderickAnd I get all that fat like it's my buddies stuck behind enemy lines and when I got all my buddies, I sneak out again.
BroderickI'm very mysterious when I'm inside you.
BroderickLike the wind, you know.
Lois GriffinGood boy, Stewie. Clean plate.
Lois GriffinAlthough I think you got...
Stewie GriffinYes! I got more of it on me than in me.
Stewie GriffinThat one never gets old.
Stewie GriffinHere's your dessert, sweetie. Dig in.
Stewie GriffinI'll eat it when I'm ready!
Chris GriffinCHRIS: Hi.
Stewie GriffinSTEWIE: I'm ready!
Stewie GriffinTime for dessert, isn't it? Let's see, big chocolate cake for Stewie.
Stewie GriffinAnd we have something very tasty for big fat you.
Stewie GriffinBon appTtit.
Stewie GriffinOh, and feel free to use my fork. I shan't be needing it.
Stewie GriffinWatch me. That's it. Watch this.
Lois GriffinStewie, stop eating like a little piggy. We should cut down on your sweets.
Lois GriffinYou're starting to get a little Buddha belly. Chris, where have you been?
Chris GriffinDad took me to a doctor to get the fat vacuumed out of my belly.
Lois GriffinWhat?
Chris GriffinI didn't do it. I'm just gonna stay on my diet and exercise.
Lois GriffinGood for you. That was a very grown-up decision.
Lois GriffinI mean, what kind of lazy, narcissistic irresponsible moron would even consider doing something as unbelievably foolish as getting liposuction.
Lois GriffinWho, I ask you. Who?
Peter GriffinHello.
Lois Griffin[Stuttering]
Brian GriffinMy God! It's finally happened.
Brian GriffinHe's become so massive he's collapsed into himself like a neutron star!
Meg GriffinMEG: Mom, can I get lipo, too?
Lois GriffinForget it, Meg.
Lois GriffinPeter, you can't just suck 200 pounds of fat out of yourself. It's not natural.
Peter GriffinCome on, Lois. I feel great dropping that kind of weight all at once.
Lois GriffinRemember how good you felt after you had Chris?
Peter GriffinAnd they're off!
Peter GriffinWell then, giddy up.
Peter Griffin[Laughing]
Peter GriffinPETER: Great to be thin.
Brian GriffinBRIAN: Yup.
Peter GriffinYou know, there's something I always wanted to do, Brian.
Peter GriffinBut I could never do it because I was so heavy.
Peter GriffinBut now that I don't weigh so much, I think I can.
Peter GriffinCould you help me do it?
Chris GriffinSure, I'd be honored.
Peter GriffinI was wondering if I could put a little saddle on your back and ride you like a horsy.
Peter GriffinOkay. No, I understand.
Peter GriffinIt's too much. It's okay.
Brian GriffinBRIAN: I like Hillary Clinton. I don't care what anyone says.
Brian GriffinPeter, what are you...
Lois GriffinI can feel all the bones in your ass!
Peter GriffinCome on!
Peter GriffinI see you.
Peter Griffin[Laughing]
Meg GriffinBut, Mom, it could change my life!
Lois GriffinMeg, for the last time, you're not getting plastic surgery.
Meg GriffinWhy not? It's totally safe. A lot of famous people have done it.
Eskimo FatherMy son, your place is here in the ice village.
Eskimo FatherYou know nothing of Hollywood and its ways.
Eskimo ActorBut, Father, I have dreams, and courage and the name of an excellent cosmetic surgeon.
Eskimo ActorFear not. Someday word will reach you about the success of me the great Eskimo actor, Jennifer Love Hewitt!
Eskimo Man 1MAN #1: Bring pride to our village!
Eskimo Man 2MAN #2: Send firewood.
Peter GriffinShe's right, Lois. Plastic surgery is great!
Peter GriffinI want Broderick to take a look at my nose.
Lois GriffinIt doesn't matter if your nose is a little bulbousy or your eyes are too close together, or your chest is flabby.
Lois GriffinYou are who you are.
Peter GriffinI think I know what you're getting at.
Peter GriffinKnock-knock.
Brian GriffinHey, you can't just walk in here without... Holy crap, it's Peter!
Chris GriffinCHRIS: Dad, you're pretty, like a girl.
Meg GriffinYou look like a totally different person.
Lois GriffinThis is crazy!
Lois GriffinYou walk in here with your chiseled jaw and your...
Lois GriffinOh, my. I liked you the way you were.
Lois GriffinYou're not even real anymore.
Lois GriffinDid you get a new buttocks?
Peter GriffinI had to. My old one had a crack in it.
Peter Griffin[Laughing]
Lois GriffinI couldn't be more angry with you.
Lois Griffin[Moaning]
Lois GriffinYou really let this family down.
Lois GriffinWe should be embracing the things God gave us.
Lois GriffinNot telling our kids you're not as good as others because of the way you look.
Peter GriffinPETER: Holy crap!
BarnabyLook. There's a baby in that refuse bin!
PhineasNot too close, Barnaby. If you touch it, the mother won't take it back.
BarnabyAlley-oop!
Warren FredericksExcuse me, sir.
Warren FredericksWhat is a handsome man like you doing waiting in line?
Peter GriffinI need an adult!
Warren FredericksWarren Fredericks. Quahog Beautiful People's Club.
Warren FredericksWARREN: Come on in front.
Peter GriffinPETER: But people were in front of me.
Warren FredericksYou haven't been beautiful very long, have you?
Warren FredericksGorgeous guys like us don't have to wait in line.
Warren FredericksHaven't you noticed? People will do anything for a beautiful person.
Peter GriffinYeah. You know, come to think of it...
GirlHi, I'm on a scavenger hunt. And I need a human foot.
Peter GriffinWell, as a rule, I would say no, but okay, come in.
Peter GriffinSo this is what? This for like a school project or some...
Peter Griffin[Screaming]
Warren FredericksRaul, please take this handsome gentleman's bags to his car.
Peter GriffinPETER: Thank you.
Peter GriffinHey, when you're beautiful, doors magically open for you.
Warren FredericksActually, it opened because you stepped on that black rubber square.
Warren FredericksOf course, if that wasn't there, it would open anyway because you're beautiful.
Peter GriffinPETER: Wow!
Warren FredericksThere's a lot of good looking people here.
Warren FredericksOf course. This is the Quahog Beautiful People's Club.
Warren FredericksYou're our newest member. Here's your introductory basket.
Warren FredericksIt's got some scented lotions, Ferrari sunglasses and of course, pills to make your bowel movements smell like bakery-fresh cinnamon rolls.
[Creaking]
[Creaking]
Stewie GriffinSTEWIE: Damn it!
Brian GriffinWhat happened? Orson fall down?
Stewie GriffinSTEWIE: Shut up! I don't want to hear it!
Brian GriffinIt serves you right.
Brian GriffinYou spent all that time taunting Chris, now you have an eating disorder.
Stewie GriffinSTEWIE: Help me up!
Brian GriffinYou know I would, but my doctor advised me against heavy lifting.
Stewie GriffinSTEWIE: Oh, hardy har har.
Stewie GriffinWhat the devil are you doing?
Stewie GriffinStop it! I'm getting dizzy!
Stewie GriffinBlast!
Lois GriffinPeter, did you paste a new picture of yourself on our wedding portrait?
Peter GriffinYeah. I think it looks better.
Lois GriffinYou pasted it over me.
Peter GriffinPETER: Yeah. I think it looks better.
Lois GriffinHave you lost your mind?
Peter GriffinSomebody is jealous!
Lois GriffinHave you forgotten about Chris? He needs you to help him exercise.
Lois GriffinHe finally figured out how to catch the Twinkie.
Chris GriffinI'm turning you into poo!
Peter GriffinI'm going down to The Beautiful People's Club.
Peter GriffinI guess I can bring him.
Peter GriffinSeeing us all in one place might give him something to shoot for.
Lois GriffinThe Beautiful People's Club? I never heard of that.
Peter GriffinI can't say anymore.
Peter GriffinI'm probably already in trouble for mentioning it to a...
Peter GriffinWell, we call you "normies." Okay, 'bye.
Brian GriffinAre you gonna take that?
Brian GriffinLois!
Lois GriffinWhat? Oh, Brian.
Lois Griffin[Stuttering]
Lois GriffinI was seeing if the driveway...
Brian GriffinThat wasn't even a sentence.
Brian GriffinYou were ogling Peter like a horny schoolgirl.
Lois GriffinI can't help it!
Lois GriffinI know. He's become a superficial egomaniacal jerk but I've never been more attracted to him.
Lois GriffinDoes that make me a bad person?
Brian GriffinYes, it does make you a bad person.
Warren FredericksWARREN: Peter, good to see you.
Warren FredericksCome with me. I've got a lot of tall, statuesque people I want you to meet.
Warren FredericksWhat's that?
Peter GriffinThat's my son, Chris.
Warren FredericksHe can't come in. He's fat.
Peter GriffinLet me tell you something, buddy, if my son can't come in then I'll just come in!
Peter GriffinSee you at home.
Chris GriffinBut, Dad...
Peter GriffinTrust me, Chris. Sometimes it's better not to fit in.
[Helicopter flying overhead]
Peter GriffinYou're all stupid. They'll be looking for Army guys.
Chris GriffinCHRIS: Don't look at me! I'm hideous!
Lois GriffinHow could you treat Chris that way?
Lois GriffinYou know he's self-conscious about his weight!
Peter GriffinWhat are you getting mad at me for? He gets his fat from your jeans.
Peter GriffinWhich, by the way, I'm wearing.
Lois GriffinI hate what you've become!
Lois GriffinWhy don't you go back to the doctor to suck the fat out of your head?
Peter GriffinMaybe I will! And then I'll put it on my feet and skate on Paul Bunyan's giant skillet to cook his flapjacks!
Lois GriffinThat doesn't make any sense.
Peter GriffinIt doesn't have to. I'm beautiful!
Chris GriffinYou're not welcome here! Go away!
Meg GriffinWow, Chris. Did you lose weight?
Chris GriffinMaybe. I've been working out.
Meg GriffinYou look wicked skinny. I'm like, jealous.
Chris GriffinThanks, Meg. I'm jealous of your mustache.
Meg GriffinI don't have a mustache, do I?
Lois GriffinOh, honey. It's fine. It makes you look distinguished.
Meg GriffinBut, Mom!
Lois GriffinI think all my children are beautiful.
Stewie GriffinDamn you, ice cream. Come to my mouth.
Stewie GriffinHow dare you disobey me.
Stewie GriffinWhat are you looking at, you infantile, stupid...
Stewie GriffinThat's right. Damn you and such.
Stewie GriffinYou can burn in hell.
Stewie Griffin[Yawning]
Peter GriffinShe is so jealous.
Peter GriffinOf course, I'm beautiful.
Peter GriffinI mean, look at me.
Peter GriffinHow strange...
Peter GriffinShould watch road but can't look away.
Peter GriffinToo beautiful.
Peter Griffin[Screaming]
Peter Griffin[Peter gulping]
Dr. HartmanWell, Mr. Griffin, the bandages are ready to come off.
Dr. HartmanI think I should tell you, it's a miracle that you're alive at all.
Dr. HartmanWe did all we can. But medical science has come just so far.
[Gasping]
Dr. HartmanAnd now I will take off this protective Potato Head mask.
Lois GriffinOh, Peter! You look like you!
Peter GriffinI can't believe you're all still standing by my side after what a jerk I was.
Peter GriffinEspecially to you. I'm sorry, Chris.
Chris GriffinThat's okay, Dad.
Lois GriffinWell, Peter, I guess you learned a pretty valuable lesson.
Peter GriffinNope!
[Theme music]

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