| Lois Griffin | [Singing] "It seems today that all you see |
| Lois Griffin | "is violence in movies and sex on TV |
| Peter Griffin | "But where are those good, old-fashioned values |
| Peter Griffin | "on which we used to rely? |
| All | "Lucky there's a family guy |
| All | "Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you |
| All | "all the things that make us |
| Stewie Griffin | "laugh 'n' cry |
| All | "He's a family guy" |
| Lois Griffin | That's funny. I don't remember buying Stewie these toys. |
| Lois Griffin | Oh, my God! It all makes sense now. |
| Lois Griffin | My baby is some kind of diabolical genius bent on world domination! |
| Stewie Griffin | [SIow clapping] |
| Stewie Griffin | Bravo, Lois. The last horse finally crosses the finish line. |
| Lois Griffin | Stewie! |
| Lois Griffin | All these months I should've paid attention to what you've said. |
| Lois Griffin | You're an evil child. Why? |
| Lois Griffin | Why did I have to go and smoke pot when I was pregnant with you? |
| Stewie Griffin | Cheer up, Mother. You should be proud. |
| Stewie Griffin | You've given birth to the future emperor of the world. |
| Stewie Griffin | Pity you won't be around to enjoy it. |
| Stewie Griffin | Cheerio! |
| Lois Griffin | [Screams] |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Lois! |
| Peter Griffin | What's the matter? |
| Lois Griffin | I just had the strangest dream. |
| Lois Griffin | Something about Stewie and Cheerios. It's gone. |
| Peter Griffin | Well, come on, get up. It's opening day for the Sox. |
| Peter Griffin | Chris, Meg, we're going to Fenway! |
| Lois Griffin | You can't pull the kids out of school for a baseball game. |
| Peter Griffin | There's nothing they learn in school they can't learn on the street. |
| Gang Member | GANG MEMBER: It's |
| Gang Member | 3:00. Where the hell is Louie? |
| Gang Member 2 | You tell me. |
| Gang Member 2 | Louie left his house at 2:15 and has to travel a distance of 6.2 miles at a rate of 5 miles per hour. |
| Gang Member 2 | What time will Louie arrive? |
| Gang Member | Depends if he stops to see his ho. |
| Gang Member 2 | That's what we call a variable! |
| Chris Griffin | Look what I made for the game. |
| Meg Griffin | What does that mean, anyway? |
| Brian Griffin | "And the Lord said, 'Go, Sox."' |
| Meg Griffin | Dad, don't you have to work today? |
| Peter Griffin | It's nothing a little phone call can't take care of. |
| Mr. Weed | Hello? |
| Peter Griffin | Mr. Weed? I can't come to work today. I was in a terrible plane crash. |
| Peter Griffin | My entire family was killed, and I am a vegetable. |
| Peter Griffin | I'll see you tomorrow. |
| Brian Griffin | Oh, please! Peter, your excuses are lamer than FDR's legs. |
| All | [Gasping] |
| Brian Griffin | Too soon? |
| Dad | Here it comes, Jeremy! |
| Jeremy | I got it! |
| Peter Griffin | Yes! All right! I'm the man! |
| Peter Griffin | Hold on to this, Stewie. |
| Peter Griffin | It'll be a souvenir of your first major-league game with your dad. |
| Stewie Griffin | My God. I shall cherish this forever. |
| Stewie Griffin | I say, Opie, I'll trade you this baseball for your souvenir bat. |
| Boy | Sure! |
| Stewie Griffin | What did you learn? |
| Peter Griffin | This is great. |
| Peter Griffin | We haven't done anything together since we saw Mike Tyson lose. |
| Moderator | MODERATOR: The word, again, is "onomatopoeia." |
| Mike Tyson | C... |
| Moderator | I'm sorry. That's incorrect. |
| Mike Tyson | Oh, dang! |
| Lois Griffin | I'm so glad you talked us all into playing hooky. |
| Peter Griffin | Me, too. Maybe we can get on TV if we take our shirts off and run onto the field. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, I'm not taking my shirt off. |
| Peter Griffin | There. Now they're old news. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter! |
| Peter Griffin | Go, Sox! |
| Peter Griffin | [Screaming] |
| Peter Griffin | [Snorting hot dog] |
| Peter Griffin | [Snorting mustard] |
| Mr. Weed | Peter? |
| Peter Griffin | Hi, Mr. Weed! |
| Mr. Weed | It seems you've made a full recovery. |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, yeah. That plane crash I told you about, it turned out to be gas. |
| Mr. Weed | Liar! Tomorrow, my office, 9:30. |
| Peter Griffin | I'm tired of Mr. Weed treating me like a common doormat. |
| Peter Griffin | I want him to treat me like a deluxe one from Pottery Barn with the fancy straw. |
| Brian Griffin | I don't care for Pottery Barn. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, if you want Mr. Weed to respect you, you're gonna have to earn it. |
| Peter Griffin | "Earn it." |
| Peter Griffin | [Snorting drink] |
| Mr. Weed | MR. WEED: Why have you forsaken me? |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Mr. Weed? |
| Peter Griffin | I heard you ran into my identical twin brother at the ball game yesterday. |
| Peter Griffin | If you don't buy that, I'm sorry I was at the ball game. |
| Mr. Weed | Peter, I just received terrible news. |
| Mr. Weed | This company has been taken over by a conglomerate. |
| Mr. Weed | After 23 years of faithful service, I've been terminated! |
| Peter Griffin | The business world sure is funny. |
| Wally | Dilbert, what do you call it when a guy in middle management moves all the way to upper management? |
| Dilbert | I don't know. What do you call it? |
| Wally | A promotion. |
| Dilbert | Thanks. Here's a memo. |
| Peter Griffin | Sometimes the business world's funny. |
| Executive | EXECUTIVE: So, on behalf of the El Dorado Cigarette Company I'd like to welcome you to our family. |
| Executive | I think you'll be very happy with the changes we've made. |
| Peter Griffin | This is sweet! Why are you putting a window in the middle of the factory? |
| Executive | So Aunt Bea has a place to let her pies cool. |
| Aunte Bea | Hello, boys. Today's pie is cherry. It'll be ready just in time for lunch. |
| Peter Griffin | These guys sure know how to run a company. |
| Executive | Look how happy those morons are. |
| Executive | They'll never realize we're using those toys to get children addicted to our company's cigarettes. |
| Executive | [Laughing maniacally] |
| Executive | [Whistles] |
| Executive | Good boy, Connor. Pull. |
| Executive | [Laughing maniacally] |
| Chris Griffin | Can't we eat? I'm so hungry I could ride a horse. |
| Chris Griffin | I don't get it. Well, I could ride it to the store, I guess. |
| Lois Griffin | I told you we're not starting without your father. |
| Lois Griffin | Dinner just isn't dinner without him. |
| Stewie Griffin | Well, perhaps I could help simulate the experience. |
| Stewie Griffin | [Making ridiculous noises] |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Hey, family. Anyone in the mood for lobster? |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, God! One of them has my pupil! |
| Peter Griffin | [Screaming] |
| Lois Griffin | How the hell can you afford lobster on your salary? |
| Peter Griffin | I got a raise. |
| Lois Griffin | What? |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah. The new owners gave everyone raises. |
| Peter Griffin | Even Kenneth, the bad-ass mail clerk with the heart of gold. |
| Peter Griffin | Hi, Kenneth. Did I get any mail? |
| Kenneth | No! But if you come any closer, I'll slice you! |
| Peter Griffin | Okay! |
| Peter Griffin | Man, what a bad-ass! |
| Man | Yeah? That bad-ass just gave half his paycheck to orphans. |
| Man | Orphans with diseases! |
| [Sentimental instrumental music] |
| Peter Griffin | Check out the new toys we're making. |
| Meg Griffin | MEG: "Baby Smokes-A-Lot"? |
| Baby Smokes-A-Lot | [Baby giggling] |
| Baby Smokes-A-Lot | BABY: Tastes like happy. |
| Chris Griffin | Cool! That's imitatable! |
| Brian Griffin | What the hell? |
| Brian Griffin | El Dorado Cigarettes? That's who bought your company? |
| Lois Griffin | Oh, my God! They're trying to corrupt our children! |
| Peter Griffin | What do you expect? Those bastards turned a generation of Americans into smokers with their damn subliminal advertising. |
| Ma | Timmy, where's Lassie? |
| Timmy | She's out in the orchard, Ma. |
| Timmy | Peaches are coming in mighty early this year. |
| Jerry | Smoke! |
| Ma | You know what they say, Timmy. "Early peaches, long summer." |
| Jerry | Smoke! |
| Lassie | [Barking] |
| Timmy | What's that, Lassie? |
| Jerry | Are you smoking yet? |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, if kids see this doll, they're gonna think smoking's okay. |
| Lois Griffin | You have to talk to your new bosses first thing in the morning. |
| Peter Griffin | Don't you worry, Lois. I'll set them straight. |
| Peter Griffin | Just like I did with Chris. |
| Chris Griffin | CHRIS: Dad, what's the blowhole for? |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: I'll tell you what it's not for, son. |
| Peter Griffin | And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to SeaWorld. |
| Peter Griffin | Gentlemen, we need to talk. |
| Peter Griffin | My wife says you're trying to get kids to smoke. |
| Executive | That's just not true. |
| Peter Griffin | What about this toy? |
| Executive | Peter, it's just a doll with a cigarette. |
| Executive | Barbie has a Dream Car, but you don't see every 8-year-old driving. |
| Executive | They're just fun toys. |
| Jerry | Smoke! |
| Executive | Not now, Jerry. Trust me, Peter. |
| Executive | The last thing we want is to get kids to start smoking. |
| Peter Griffin | What about that graph on the wall that says: |
| Peter Griffin | "The first thing we want is to get kids to start smoking"? |
| Executive | That? That's just something my son made me in art class. |
| Peter Griffin | Then what about that poster that says: |
| Peter Griffin | "The graph was not made in art class. We really do want kids to start smoking"? |
| Executive | Look, we're a caring company. |
| Executive | I mean, would you really be the president of a company that didn't care about kids? |
| Peter Griffin | No. But I'm not the president. |
| Executive | Yes, you are, if you want to be. |
| Men | [Agreeing] |
| Peter Griffin | Wow. Imagine, me, president. |
| [Joyful instrumental music] |
| Peter Griffin | I'll do it! |
| Peter Griffin | [Peter singing] |
| Lois Griffin | So how did it go? |
| Peter Griffin | I'm not finished yet. |
| Peter Griffin | [Peter singing] |
| Peter Griffin | Aren't you gonna ask me how it went? |
| Lois Griffin | Yes! Did you talk to the company executives? |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, answer me! |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: I did! They made me president. |
| Meg Griffin | Of the whole company? |
| Chris Griffin | All right, Dad! |
| Peter Griffin | You should've seen the way they treated me. |
| Peter Griffin | I never got that kind of respect before. |
| Peter Griffin | Great workout, Bobby. |
| Boy | Up yours, sack breath! |
| Peter Griffin | That's "Mr. Griffin." |
| Lois Griffin | But, Peter, why would they make you President? |
| Peter Griffin | Maybe it's because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second. |
| Peter Griffin | [Yelps] |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise. |
| Peter Griffin | Jeez, Lois, I thought you'd be proud of me. |
| Peter Griffin | After all these years, the company thinks I'm worth something. |
| Peter Griffin | Wait till you see all the perks we're gonna get. |
| Meg Griffin | Hi. Can I help you? |
| Ugly Girl | Some company hired me to stand next to you so you'd look better by comparison. |
| Meg Griffin | That's ridiculous. I don't... |
| Boy | Meg, did you get less ugly? |
| Meg Griffin | Yeah! |
| Peter Griffin | Surprise! |
| Lois Griffin | Everything looks the same. |
| Peter Griffin | It looks the same, but El Dorado Cigarettes has coated the entire inside of the house with a microfilm of Teflon, so it's easy to clean. |
| Lois Griffin | [Lois exclaiming] |
| Peter Griffin | They shouldn't have done the floors. |
| Stewie Griffin | STEWIE: I'm "Nudes on Ice"! |
| Lois Griffin | This is so exciting. Your father's first day as president. |
| Peter Griffin | Good morning, First Family. |
| Peter Griffin | Lois, what's in this coffee? |
| Lois Griffin | Isn't it wonderful? |
| Lois Griffin | The company sent Martha Stewart to help me with the housework. |
| Lois Griffin | I take back all the bad things I said about them. |
| Lois Griffin | The coffee is delicious, Martha. |
| Martha Stewart | A little chicory perks up the taste of roasted coffee beans. |
| Martha Stewart | It's a good thing. |
| Brian Griffin | I think it's a crappy thing! |
| Brian Griffin | In fact, this is my last cigarette, ever. |
| Brian Griffin | You make me sick, letting yourselves be bought off with a few lousy perks. |
| Stewie Griffin | I beg to differ. |
| Valet | VALET: You don't need to park here. You have an executive parking space now. |
| Peter Griffin | But that looks exactly like my old space. |
| Valet | Yeah, but this one comes with your own company suck-up. |
| Suck-up | SUCK-UP: Morning. Nice day. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: It's a little cloudy. |
| Suck-up | It's absolutely cloudy. One of the worst days I've seen in years. |
| Suck-up | Good news about the Yankees. |
| Peter Griffin | I hate the Yankees. |
| Suck-up | They're a pack of cheaters. I love your tie. |
| Peter Griffin | I hate this tie. |
| Suck-up | It's awful, it's gaudy, it's gotta go. |
| Peter Griffin | And I hate myself. |
| Suck-up | I hate you, too. You make me sick, you fat sack of crap. |
| Peter Griffin | But I'm the president. |
| Suck-up | The best there is. |
| Peter Griffin | But you just said you hated me. |
| Suck-up | But not you, the president, the you who said you hated you who love, hate, Yankees, clouds... |
| Valet | I'll have that fixed for you tomorrow, sir. |
| Executive | Here's your new digs. Now, get to work, sport. |
| Executive | We're counting on you. |
| Peter Griffin | Wow. My own office. I guess I better get busy. |
| Peter Griffin | [Pencil sharpening] |
| Peter Griffin | [Sighs] |
| Peter Griffin | [Screams] |
| Peter Griffin | [Unzipping pants] |
| Peter Griffin | [Screaming] |
| [Sinister instrumental music] |
| Executive | Gentlemen, we have a problem. |
| Executive | There's an anti-smoking bill that could put us out of business. |
| Executive | Yes. Apparently causing cancer is this year's "hot button." |
| Executive | I don't understand it. |
| Executive | We've tried everything to get through to these politicians. |
| Executive | Harvard lawyers, lobbyists, wisecracking leprechauns. |
| Leprechaun | Excuse me. Do you have a dollar? I'm a little short. |
| Executive | [Laughs] |
| Executive | Maybe that's the problem. They're all idiots in Washington. |
| Executive | Instead of a smart guy, we should send a moron they can relate to. |
| Man | MAN #1: Yeah. MAN |
| Man 2 | #2: Great thought. |
| Man | Where will we find someone within the company who's that stupid? |
| Man 2 | Yeah. And not just stupid. Fat, too. |
| Man 3 | MAN #3: That's exactly what we need. |
| Man | Wait a second. Didn't we just make a fat, stupid guy president? |
| Executive | You bet we did. |
| Executive | Gentlemen, our new tobacco lobbyist is That Guy! |
| [Happy instrumental music] |
| Singers | SINGERS: "Diamonds, daisies, snowflakes, That Guy |
| Singers | "Chestnuts, rainbows, springtime |
| Singers | "is That Guy |
| Singers | "He's tinsel on a tree |
| Singers | "He's everything that every guy should be |
| Singers | "Sable, popcorn, white wine, That Guy |
| Singers | "Sable, popcorn, white wine, That Guy |
| Singers | "Gingham, bluebirds, Broadway |
| Singers | "is That Guy |
| Singers | "He's mine alone, but luckily for you |
| Singers | "if you find a guy to love |
| Singers | "only one guy to love then he'll be That Guy, too |
| Singers | "That Guy!" |
| Peter Griffin | What's this big assignment you got for me, Chairman of the Broad? |
| Executive | [Laughs] |
| Executive | "Chairman of the Broad." When did you become such a stitch? |
| Peter Griffin | Don't you remember? You gave me writers. |
| Peter Griffin | "Sir, I don't want to say you're rich, but when you walk into a bank... |
| Peter Griffin | "...all the tellers go, 'Whoopee!"' |
| Peter Griffin | That wasn't funny. I thought you guys said you were Jewish. |
| Writer | He's only half-Jewish. |
| Peter Griffin | You're fired. |
| Executive | Here's the thing, Griffin. |
| Executive | Some troublemakers in Congress are trying to shut us down. |
| Executive | We need someone important, like you, to go down to Washington and help those bastards see what kind of fun-Ioving people the tobacco industry's really made of. |
| Peter Griffin | Washington? Sweet. I'm your man. |
| Peter Griffin | I gotta warn you. I made enemies on the Hill. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: And that's when Clarence Thomas forced me into his chambers and showed me lewd pictures. |
| Supreme Court Judge | We have indisputable evidence that not only have you never been in the same room as Clarence Thomas, you've never been in the same state. |
| Supreme Court Judge | How do you respond to that? |
| Peter Griffin | Baba-booie! Howard Stern's penis! Baba-booie! |
| Meg Griffin | MEG: How long will Dad be in Washington? |
| Lois Griffin | As long as it takes. He's a very important man now. |
| Lois Griffin | He's the spokesman for his entire industry. |
| Lois Griffin | Thank you, Martha. Brian, could you pass me the TV Guide? |
| Brian Griffin | Piss off! |
| Lois Griffin | What? |
| Brian Griffin | I'm sorry. |
| Brian Griffin | It just feels like forever since I've had a smoke. |
| Brian Griffin | I'm just a bit testy. Stop staring at my tail! |
| Peter Griffin | Hello, Mr. Harrison? |
| Peter Griffin | I see those government guys you were telling me about. |
| Peter Griffin | I'll show them a good time and bring them around to our side. |
| Peter Griffin | Excuse me. Al Gore, George W. Bush? |
| Al Gore | GORE: Yes? |
| George W. Bush | BUSH: Yes? |
| Peter Griffin | Great. And what's your friend's name? |
| Al Gore | Dick Armey. |
| Peter Griffin | [Laughs] |
| Peter Griffin | No, seriously. What's his name? |
| Al Gore | Dick Armey. |
| Peter Griffin | [Laughs] |
| Al Gore | [Laughs] |
| Al Gore | I just got it. |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, Armey. What's your wife's name? "Vagina Coast Guard"? |
| Peter Griffin | I'm kidding, you guys. Get in the car. We're going to a skin bar. |
| George W. Bush | BUSH: Great. |
| Dick Armey | ARMEY: Man, sounds good. |
| Al Gore | Oh, my God! I don't know what happened! |
| Peter Griffin | It's okay, Senator. |
| Peter Griffin | This girl didn't have a family. It'll be like she never existed. |
| Peter Griffin | Now grab ahold of yourself. All right. Now, listen. |
| Peter Griffin | You may have killed her when you shoved those dollars down her throat. |
| Peter Griffin | You may have killed her hitting her with the stool. |
| Peter Griffin | I don't know. I'm not a doctor. |
| Peter Griffin | But I'll tell you what didn't kill her. Smoking! |
| Al Gore | You have our support, Griffin. |
| Lois Griffin | Look, kids. Here's your father in People magazine with Jim Carrey. |
| Lois Griffin | And they're both "Smokin'!" I loved that in Mask. |
| Lois Griffin | "Smokin'!" |
| Lois Griffin | "Smokin'!" |
| Lois Griffin | "Smokin'!" |
| Brian Griffin | Damn it! Do I have to listen to this drivel 24 hours a day? |
| Brian Griffin | But I guess anything's better than looking at your smelly face! |
| Meg Griffin | Mom! |
| Lois Griffin | Honey, your face smells fine. You know he doesn't mean it. |
| Lois Griffin | It's just the lack of nicotine. |
| Chris Griffin | Mom, the school janitor said that Dad's working for the bad guys. |
| Chris Griffin | He said it through a hole in his throat. |
| Lois Griffin | That doesn't make him right. |
| Chris Griffin | If I had a hole in my throat, I'd put pennies in it! |
| Lois Griffin | Listen, your father's doing great work, and life's never been better. |
| Stewie Griffin | Yes, I, too, applaud the oaf for finally showing some initiative. |
| Stewie Griffin | God knows he was years overdue. |
| Lois Griffin | [Gasps] |
| Stewie Griffin | You know who I saw at the market today? Patty Croft. |
| Stewie Griffin | And she has gotten fat! |
| Lois Griffin | Oh, my God! Stewie, no! Oh, God. What have I done? |
| Lois Griffin | I knew smoking was bad, but I still sold my soul. |
| Lois Griffin | And for what? Martha Stewart? |
| Lois Griffin | Come on, kids. We gotta put a stop to this. Now! |
| Martha Stewart | [Sighs] |
| Martha Stewart | Finally. |
| Martha Stewart | [Farting] |
| [Funky instrumental music] |
| [Funky instrumental music] |
| Bill | BILL: [Singing] "They call me Bill, yes, they call me Bill |
| Bill | "And I'm standing here on Capitol..." |
| Bob Dole | Bob Dole's a friend of the tobacco industry. Bob Dole likes your style. |
| Bob Dole | Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. |
| Bob Dole | Bob Dole. Bob Dole. |
| Bob Dole | Bob Dole. Bob Dole. |
| Bob Dole | Bob Dole. |
| Lois Griffin | There you are! |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, I caught Stewie smoking. That cigarette company is evil. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, I caught Stewie smoking. That cigarette company is evil. |
| Lois Griffin | We can't be a part of this anymore. |
| Peter Griffin | Lois, this is the best job I ever had! |
| Peter Griffin | Since I became president, profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano. |
| Peter Griffin | [Laughs] |
| Alyssa Milano | What kind of cheap shot... Joel! |
| Joel | I'm suing. I'm suing. I'm on it. |
| Aide | AIDE: Time for your speech. |
| Lois Griffin | But, Peter, what about your son? |
| Peter Griffin | So Stewie had a puff. He's old enough to make his own decisions. |
| Peter Griffin | For God's sakes, Lois, he's 1. Cut the umbilical cord! |
| [Applauding] |
| Peter Griffin | Ladies and gentlemen of Congress, I am here today to talk about smoking. |
| Lois Griffin | Please, Peter, do the right thing. |
| Peter Griffin | I know a lot of you are already on my side. |
| Peter Griffin | And for you naysayers, I have two strong words for you. |
| Peter Griffin | Come on! Come on! |
| Man | MAN #1: Okay, sure. MAN |
| Man 2 | #2: All right. Done. |
| Peter Griffin | Thank you, ladies and... |
| Stewie Griffin | [Stewie coughing] |
| Stewie Griffin | Baby needs to suck ash! Baby needs to suck ash! |
| Stewie Griffin | Not "ass," you pervert. Save it for the interns. |
| Peter Griffin | Is that a baby? |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, my God! That's Stewie! Lois was right! |
| Peter Griffin | Children under 4 shouldn't smoke! |
| Peter Griffin | I don't care about this stupid job anymore. Cigarettes are bad! |
| Man | Mr. Griffin is right! Smoking is a horrible vice! |
| Man | It shortens life expectancy and pollutes our air. |
| Man | And according to recent polls, air is good. |
| Man 2 | Cigarettes killed my father and raped my mother! |
| [Gasps] |
| Frank | Gentlemen, I propose we send a message to tobacco companies by fining the El Dorado Cigarette Company infinity billion dollars! |
| Congressman | That's the spirit, Frank! But I think a real number might be more effective. |
| Congressman | All in favor of fining this evil tobacco giant $100 million, say "Aye"! |
| Congress | CONGRESS: Aye! |
| Executive | But that'll bankrupt us! |
| Peter Griffin | You mean the way you've morally bankrupted America? |
| Congress | [Laughing] |
| Peter Griffin | Thanks for that zinger, boys. Give me a snappy line to go out on. |
| Writer | Actually, our lunch is here. |
| Peter Griffin | [Stuttering] |
| Peter Griffin | Well, that's my mama! |
| Peter Griffin | [Laughing nervously] |
| [Heroic instrumental music] |
| Peter Griffin | Hi, I'm Peter Griffin. We've had a lot of laughs tonight. |
| Peter Griffin | But I'll tell you what's not funny. |
| Peter Griffin | Killing strippers. Strippers are people, too. |
| Peter Griffin | Naked people who may be willing to pleasure you for a price behind the curtain of a VIP room. Besides, there's no need to kill them. |
| Peter Griffin | Because most of them are already dead inside. |
| Peter Griffin | Good night, everyone. |
| [Theme music] |