| [1950s movie music] |
| [Puppies yelping] |
| Brian Griffin | BRIAN: Excedrin headache number one. Puppy mill. |
| Brian Griffin | Damn. |
| Brian Griffin | Does anyone here have thumbs? Anyone? No. |
| Brian Griffin | Sorry. I don't play. |
| Brian Griffin | Come on. Knock it off. |
| Farmer | How's the flow today? |
| Brian Griffin | [Brian protesting] |
| Brian Griffin | Mom! Do something! Mom, help! |
| Brian Griffin | BRIAN: And that was the last time I ever saw her. |
| Psychologist | I think we've stumbled on the root of your problems. |
| Psychologist | You have abandonment issues. |
| Psychologist | You need to confront your mother and deal with this. |
| Brian Griffin | Are you crazy? |
| Brian Griffin | For God's sake, my eyes were barely open, and she just gave me away. |
| Brian Griffin | Well, it's her loss, right? |
| Brian Griffin | Yeah. I turned out great, huh? Am I right? Yeah! |
| Brian Griffin | You bet your ass I'm right! You want to arm wrestle? |
| Brian Griffin | Come on! Right now! |
| Peter Griffin | Brian, have you been drinking? |
| Brian Griffin | No. |
| Peter Griffin | Brian, you really seem to be enjoying your wine lately. |
| Brian Griffin | It's only my second glass. |
| Chris Griffin | Dad, if bad men broke into the house, and they had guns and they put a gun up to your head, and made you choose who you wanted to live, me or Meg, who would you choose? |
| Peter Griffin | Ask your mom. I'm not very good with tough decisions. |
| Boy on P.A. | BOY ON P. A: We'll be closing in two minutes. |
| Peter Griffin | [Crying] |
| Lois Griffin | I could never choose. I love all my children equally. |
| Lois Griffin | It's hard enough having Stewie all the way in Palm Springs visiting Grammy and Grandpa. |
| Nana | Give Nana a big hug, sweetheart. |
| Stewie Griffin | STEWIE: That should guarantee some after-dinner entertainment. |
| Brian Griffin | Lois, I was thinking. |
| Brian Griffin | Why don't I fly out to Palm Springs and pick up Stewie? |
| Lois Griffin | Really? |
| Brian Griffin | A trip like this is what I need to clear my head. |
| Lois Griffin | That would be wonderful. |
| Brian Griffin | It'll give me time to catch up on my reading. |
| Brian Griffin | Usually there are so many distractions. |
| [Gunshot] |
| [Fly buzzing] |
| [Gunshot] |
| Peter Griffin | Come into my home, will ya? |
| Peter Griffin | I'll show you, you bastards. |
| Nana | NANA: Stewie, gather your things. Time to go. |
| Stewie Griffin | It's about bloody time! |
| Stewie Griffin | That idiot slattern sent the dog? |
| Stewie Griffin | Well, this is... |
| Stewie Griffin | Don't even get me started! I mean, really! |
| Stewie Griffin | When I think of the times that that woman has... |
| Stewie Griffin | I won't even begin to... |
| Brian Griffin | BRIAN: Can we go? |
| Stewie Griffin | STEWIE: Fine. |
| [Cheery instrumental music] |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, guess what I just got? A relationship video. |
| Lois Griffin | The infomercial said this tape will help us communicate better as a couple. |
| Peter Griffin | When have we ever had trouble communicating? |
| Lois Griffin | Oh, Peter. I love you. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Yeah, about a quarter past 5:00. |
| Peter Griffin | Okay, Lois. I'll make you a deal. |
| Peter Griffin | We'll watch the tape, but you've got to do something for me. |
| Lois Griffin | Okay. What? |
| Peter Griffin | Do that Katherine Hepburn impression for me. |
| Peter Griffin | And Philadelphia Story Hepburn. |
| Peter Griffin | None of that head-on-a-slinky Golden Pond stuff. |
| [Cheery instrumental music] |
| Brian Griffin | Wait here at the gate. I gotta run a quick errand. |
| Man | Aren't you young to be traveling alone? |
| Stewie Griffin | Aren't you a little old to be wearing braces? |
| Bartender | I think you've had about enough. |
| Brian Griffin | [Slurring] I think you're wrong, you increasingly attractive-Iooking woman. |
| Brian Griffin | You're really pretty. |
| Woman | Stop. |
| Brian Griffin | No. I'm serious. You could be in magazines. You could! |
| Brian Griffin | And not just like Jugs or Creamsicle. |
| Brian Griffin | Call me! She won't call. |
| Stewie Griffin | Here's a pleasant sight. Cirrhosis the Wonder Dog. |
| Brian Griffin | I'm not drunk. All right? I just have a speech impediment. |
| Brian Griffin | [Vomiting] |
| Brian Griffin | And a stomach virus. |
| Brian Griffin | And an inner-ear infection. |
| Intercom | INTERCOM: Flight 85 to Providence. Final boarding. |
| Stewie Griffin | Oh, at last! Yes. Come now. Chase the stick. |
| Brian Griffin | Where are the bags? |
| Stewie Griffin | What the deuce do you mean? They're right... |
| Stewie Griffin | Rupert! I told you to watch the bags! |
| Stewie Griffin | You were watching the boys again. It's that steward, isn't it? |
| Stewie Griffin | The one who looks like Tab Hunter! Oh, forget it! |
| Stewie Griffin | Let's just get on the plane and go home! |
| Brian Griffin | Our tickets were in the bags! |
| Intercom | INTERCOM: Flight 85 to Providence is now departing. |
| Stewie Griffin | That's not going to stop me! |
| Stewie Griffin | [Shouting] |
| Stewie Griffin | That was my plan. Where's yours? |
| [Cheery instrumental music] |
| Brian Griffin | Oh, my God! All right, let's not dilly-dally. |
| Stewie Griffin | Phone Lois, have her wire us some money and let's get the hell out of here. |
| Brian Griffin | [Drunken stammering] |
| Stewie Griffin | Oh, that's pretty. |
| Stewie Griffin | Hello, operator? |
| Stewie Griffin | God, that's right. |
| Stewie Griffin | You have to punch in the numbers nowadays. |
| Stewie Griffin | I should know this. Yes. 867-5309. |
| Stewie Griffin | That's it. No, wait. That's not it! |
| Stewie Griffin | Damn you, Tommy Tutone! There's only one thing to do. |
| Stewie Griffin | 111-1111. Lois? Damn! |
| Stewie Griffin | 111-1112. Lois? Damn! |
| Stewie Griffin | 111-1113... |
| Dr. Amanda Rebecca | "A Way With Words In Marriage for Couples Who Communicate Not Good." |
| Peter Griffin | Come on, Lois. This is gonna be worse than that time we had to sit through your Uncle Jerry's snuff film. |
| Peter Griffin | Are they really gonna kill that girl? |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, please! People are trying to watch. |
| Lois Griffin | Just give it a chance. |
| Dr. Amanda Rebecca | Hello. I'm Dr. Amanda Rebecca. |
| Dr. Amanda Rebecca | By purchasing this video, you've taken the first step towards strengthening your relationship through better communication. |
| Dr. Amanda Rebecca | I'd like to start by asking the women to leave the room because this part of the tape is for men only. We'll see you in a little while. |
| Lois Griffin | I can see this is gonna be very intense. How fun! |
| Dr. Amanda Rebecca | Make sure your wife is out of the room. |
| [Sexy music plays] |
| Dr. Amanda Rebecca | So, do you want to talk, or do you want me to take my top off? |
| Dr. Amanda Rebecca | That's what I thought. Oh, man. You're making me so hot! |
| Dr. Amanda Rebecca | I hope you like big breasts, because mine are so big this itty bra can barely contain them. |
| Dr. Amanda Rebecca | REBECCA: Do you want to see more? |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Yes, please. |
| Dr. Amanda Rebecca | Then you'll have to order my next tape. |
| Thug 1 | THUG 1: You got the stuff? |
| Thug 2 | THUG 2: Yeah. I've got it. Where's the money? I wanna see the money. |
| Thug 1 | THUG 1: No. You don't see the money until I see the stuff. |
| Stewie Griffin | There's only one way to put an end to this nuisance. |
| Stewie Griffin | He's wearing a wire! |
| Thug 1 | THUG 1: What? You son of a... |
| [Gunfire] |
| [Body drops] |
| Stewie Griffin | [Stewie yawns] |
| [Cheery instrumental music] |
| Stewie Griffin | That's it, Mr. Giraffe. Get all the marmalade. |
| [Phone rings] |
| Stewie Griffin | Hello? Damn it to pus-spewing, blood-gutted hell! |
| Stewie Griffin | What? |
| Stewie Griffin | What do you mean, our credit card was declined? |
| Stewie Griffin | No, there's no need to come up. We'II... |
| Stewie Griffin | Blast! |
| Stewie Griffin | Damn it! |
| Stewie Griffin | Come on, you! Get up! Go for a ride in the car? |
| Stewie Griffin | Blast! A penny! |
| Stewie Griffin | Wake up! |
| Brian Griffin | What? Oh, my head! Oh, God. What are we doing here? |
| Stewie Griffin | We needed a weekend away from the kids. Just us. |
| Stewie Griffin | We have to get the hell out of here! |
| Manager | MANAGER: Manager! Open up, or I'll hit you with this blunt instrument I use to hit deadbeats with bad credit cards! |
| Manager | Well, it's not an instrument! |
| Manager | It's more of an object! But it's blunt! |
| Manager | Hard and blunt! And it's kind of like a bat! |
| Manager | I found it out back one day when I was raking! |
| Stewie Griffin | Let's go! |
| Stewie Griffin | STEWIE: All right, we need some wheels. |
| Brian Griffin | BRIAN: This one's unlocked. |
| Stewie Griffin | An SUV? Look, we're trying to elude someone. |
| Stewie Griffin | We're not driving to soccer practice. Let's take this one. |
| Brian Griffin | You like that color? |
| Stewie Griffin | What's wrong with it? |
| Brian Griffin | I don't know. It's just so dark. |
| Stewie Griffin | Well, yes. But it doesn't show dirt. |
| Brian Griffin | What? |
| Stewie Griffin | It doesn't show dirt. |
| Brian Griffin | I guess. |
| Stewie Griffin | This is the first place we've gone to. Perhaps we should try another lot. |
| [Door smashing] |
| Brian Griffin | Sold! |
| Brian Griffin | Go on. Hot-wire it! |
| Stewie Griffin | Hot-wire? I don't even pump my own gas! |
| Stewie Griffin | Oh, for God's sake! |
| Brian Griffin | Hurry up! |
| [Radio plays] |
| Brian Griffin | You did it! |
| Stewie Griffin | Wait. Put it back. I like that song. |
| [Adventurous instrumental music] |
| Stewie Griffin | Montgomery Clift who was in From Here to Eternity with Burt Lancaster who was in Atlantic City with Susan Sarandon who was in White Palace with Kevin Bacon. There. |
| Brian Griffin | Nice. Except that was James Spader in White Palace. Moron. |
| Stewie Griffin | Mr. Snippy. |
| Brian Griffin | I just need some time to think. All right? |
| Stewie Griffin | Yes. You've got lots to think about, haven't you? |
| Stewie Griffin | Public drunkenness, grand-theft auto. |
| Brian Griffin | You forgot where you smash your head on the windshield. |
| Stewie Griffin | I don't recall... |
| [Brakes screech] |
| Stewie Griffin | Yes, well, I suppose I walked right into that one. |
| [Phone ringing] |
| Lois Griffin | Hello? |
| Brian Griffin | Lois. Hi, it's Brian. |
| Stewie Griffin | Let me talk to her! |
| Lois Griffin | Brian! We were just on our way to the airport. |
| Lois Griffin | Is everything okay? |
| Brian Griffin | Yeah. Everything's fine. |
| Brian Griffin | Stewie and I traded in our plane tickets for train tickets. |
| Brian Griffin | Yeah. Apparently you can do that. |
| Stewie Griffin | Give me the damn phone! |
| Brian Griffin | He's sound asleep. But I'll give him a kiss for you. |
| Stewie Griffin | You suck! |
| Lois Griffin | See you in three days. |
| Brian Griffin | [Brian sighs] |
| Brian Griffin | Let's go. |
| [Police radio chatter] |
| Brian Griffin | Crap. We gotta disappear. And quick! |
| Stewie Griffin | Maybe we should've jumped on that truck. |
| Lois Griffin | Stewie and Brian are taking a train home. |
| Peter Griffin | Can we not talk about curtains for two seconds? |
| Peter Griffin | I got another one of those relationship tapes. |
| Lois Griffin | $49.95? That's three times as much as the first one. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Lois, our relationship cannot be measured in nipples and dimes. |
| Peter Griffin | I mean, nickels and boobs. |
| Peter Griffin | Money. I'll be upstairs. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, why are you so... |
| Peter Griffin | Get out! This is a part just for the men! |
| Stewie Griffin | STEWIE: I say, there's a plane. |
| Brian Griffin | BRIAN: Yeah. If there's a plane, there's probably a pilot. |
| Brian Griffin | And if there's a pilot, there must be a bar! I can finally get a drink! |
| Father | I don't trust you. |
| Father | You put your seed in my daughter's belly. You're fired! |
| Son | But, Pa, you can't fire me! |
| Father | You're lucky you're my brother, too, or I'd kill you! |
| Brian Griffin | BRIAN: Excuse me, sir. I'm an experienced crop-dusting pilot. |
| Brian Griffin | You can trust us completely. |
| Brian Griffin | My friend is too young to put a seed in your daughter's belly. |
| Brian Griffin | And I'm of a different species. |
| Father | You're hired. |
| [Propeller starting] |
| [Propeller starting] |
| Stewie Griffin | STEWIE: Will your face be red when they find the black box on this one. |
| Brian Griffin | So really saturate the soil twice a day. |
| Brian Griffin | That's why my tomatoes haven't been coming in. |
| Brian Griffin | [Speaking Spanish] |
| Brian Griffin | Let's see. |
| Brian Griffin | [Speaking Spanish] |
| Man | Hey, that was pretty good. |
| Man | But when you said, "Me Ilamo es Brian," you don't need the "es." |
| Man | Just "Me Ilamo Brian." |
| Brian Griffin | You speak English. |
| Man | Just that first speech. And this one explaining it. |
| Brian Griffin | You're kidding, right? |
| Man | QuT? |
| Man | [Speaking Spanish] |
| Stewie Griffin | Why the hell did we get off here? |
| Brian Griffin | My mother lives in Austin. |
| Brian Griffin | Don't you see? Fate's brought me back here for a reason. |
| Brian Griffin | I have to find and make peace with my mother. |
| Stewie Griffin | So she's in Austin? Eight miles that way? |
| Brian Griffin | Yes. |
| Stewie Griffin | All right. So instead of driving down this sun-parched highway we've now got to walk? |
| Brian Griffin | Pretty much. Yeah. |
| Stewie Griffin | STEWIE: You know what this means? |
| Brian Griffin | BRIAN: Yeah. |
| [Bird calls] |
| Stewie Griffin | I say, walk slower, dog! |
| Stewie Griffin | My Huggies are already holed up in Box Canyon. |
| [Sweet instrumental music] |
| [Puppies yelping] |
| Brian Griffin | BRIAN: Hello, Luke. |
| Luke | LUKE: Have we met? |
| Brian Griffin | My name's Brian. I was born here. |
| Luke | Sorry, son, lots of dogs have been born here. Refresh my memory. |
| Luke | Which one were you again? |
| Brian Griffin | I was the one who could talk. |
| Luke | Brian! Come on in! |
| Luke | Betty! Look who it is! |
| Betty | Is that Brian? And you brought a little friend. |
| Betty | I bet you're a hungry little fella. |
| Stewie Griffin | Yes, and I'll bet you lost your virginity to a mechanical bull! Now change me! |
| Brian Griffin | Look, I've been thinking a lot about my mother lately, and... |
| Luke | She was a good dog. |
| Brian Griffin | "Was"? You mean... |
| Luke | Last year. She went real peaceful. |
| Brian Griffin | [Sighs] |
| Brian Griffin | She probably wouldn't have wanted to see me anyway. |
| Luke | That's not true! Biscuit loved all her puppies! |
| Luke | Biscuit! |
| Luke | Brian, your mama gave you up because she thought you'd have a better life if she let you go. |
| Luke | Was she right, son? Do you have a good life? |
| Brian Griffin | Yeah. I really do. I have a great life. |
| Luke | Would you like to see her? |
| Brian Griffin | See her? I don't understand. |
| Luke | We loved Biscuit so much we wanted to keep her with us always so we had her stuffed! |
| [Eerie instrumental music] |
| Brian Griffin | Mom! |
| Stewie Griffin | I say! Someone must've said a funny, because your mother's in stitches! |
| Stewie Griffin | I'll leave you to grieve. |
| Luke | Come on, Betty, why don't we get these fellas some sandwiches? |
| Stewie Griffin | Look at Jesus standing over there all by himself. |
| Stewie Griffin | You'd think those bulldogs would invite him to their card game. |
| Brian Griffin | You deserve better than this, Mom. |
| Stewie Griffin | This is actually a rather elegant solution for my problem of what to do with Lois. |
| Brian Griffin | Shut up and help me. I'm not leaving her like this. |
| Stewie Griffin | Oh, relax. The old girl doesn't have too much to wag about these days anyway. |
| Chris Griffin | Hey, Meg, try and guess the word I'm thinking of right now. |
| Chris Griffin | And it's not "kitty." |
| Meg Griffin | "Car." |
| Chris Griffin | No. |
| Meg Griffin | I don't know. "Apple"? |
| Chris Griffin | No. Give up? |
| Meg Griffin | Yeah. |
| Chris Griffin | It was "kitty"! |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, isn't that... |
| Peter Griffin | My God! The new video! Life is sweet! |
| Dr. Amanda Rebecca | How about some whipped cream? |
| Peter Griffin | That's always good. |
| Dr. Amanda Rebecca | REBECCA: And some cinnamon. |
| Peter Griffin | That's good, too! |
| Dr. Amanda Rebecca | REBECCA: And then, guess what? I'm going to add... |
| Peter Griffin | Jeez. If she says Mrs. Dash, I'm gonna lose it. |
| Dr. Amanda Rebecca | REBECCA: We're going to add... |
| Lois Griffin | Peter! |
| Lois Griffin | I know what you've been doing here. And I'm very upset with you. |
| Peter Griffin | Wow. Usually beautiful women don't turn back into you until after I'm finished. |
| Lois Griffin | These tapes are about communication. |
| Lois Griffin | If you wanted to see a woman acting nasty you should've told me. |
| Peter Griffin | This is hot! |
| Lois Griffin | Turn around. |
| Peter Griffin | Lois! This is not what it looks like! She means nothing to me! |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, it's okay. |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah? |
| Lois Griffin | I was trying to be sexy for you. |
| Peter Griffin | Come here, you. |
| Lois Griffin | You should've told me... |
| Brian Griffin | I'm gonna get directions to the nearest park so we can give my mother a proper burial. |
| Stewie Griffin | Come on, darling. Stiff upper lip. |
| Stewie Griffin | I'm writing that one down. |
| Brian Griffin | Say something. |
| Stewie Griffin | What? |
| Brian Griffin | Just say something, please! |
| Stewie Griffin | For God's sake! |
| Stewie Griffin | "Yea, and God said to Abraham, 'You will kill your son Isaac.' |
| Stewie Griffin | "And Abraham said: |
| Stewie Griffin | "'I can't hear you. You'll have to speak into the microphone.' |
| Stewie Griffin | "And God said, 'I'm sorry. Is this better? Check, check, check. |
| Stewie Griffin | "'Jerry, pull the high end out, I'm getting some hiss back here."' |
| Brian Griffin | Say something about my mother! |
| Stewie Griffin | Yes. I'm sorry. |
| Stewie Griffin | I never knew Biscuit as a dog. |
| Stewie Griffin | But I did know her as a table. |
| Stewie Griffin | She was sturdy. All four legs the same length... |
| Brian Griffin | Thanks. That's enough. |
| Stewie Griffin | Yes. Requiem and Terra Pax, and so forth. Amen. |
| [Sentimental instrumental music] |
| Brian Griffin | Look at all those stars. |
| Stewie Griffin | I've read that starlight gives you cancer. But then again, what doesn't these days? |
| Brian Griffin | Listen, there's something I've been meaning to tell you. |
| Brian Griffin | It's not easy for me to say. |
| Stewie Griffin | Oh, God! You're not coming out of the closet, are you? |
| Stewie Griffin | Why does everyone always come out to me? |
| Brian Griffin | I just wanted to thank you for everything you did today. |
| Brian Griffin | I know this whole trip has been a mess. |
| Stewie Griffin | It hasn't been all bad. |
| Stewie Griffin | I must admit, there have been moments that were, dare I say, fun. |
| Stewie & Brian | [Singing] "We're off on the road to Rhode Island |
| Stewie & Brian | "We're having the time of our lives" |
| Stewie Griffin | Take it, Dog! |
| Brian Griffin | "We're quite a pair of partners, just like Thelma and Louise |
| Brian Griffin | "'Cept you're not six feet tall |
| Stewie Griffin | "Yes, and your breasts don't reach your knees" |
| Brian Griffin | Give it time. |
| Stewie & Brian | "We're off on the road to Rhode Island |
| Stewie & Brian | "We're certainly going in style |
| Stewie Griffin | "I'm with an intellectual who craps inside his pants" |
| Stewie Griffin | How dare you! |
| Stewie Griffin | "At least I don't leave urine stains on all the household plants" |
| Brian Griffin | Oh, pee jokes. |
| Stewie & Brian | "We've traveled a bit, and we've found |
| Stewie & Brian | "like a masochist in Newport, we're Rhode Island bound" |
| Brian Griffin | Crazy travel conditions, huh? |
| Stewie Griffin | First class and no class. |
| Brian Griffin | Whoa, careful with that joke. It's an antique. |
| Stewie & Brian | "We're off on the road to Rhode Island |
| Stewie & Brian | "We're not gonna stop till we're there" |
| Brian Griffin | Maybe for a beer. |
| Brian Griffin | "Whatever dangers we may face, we'll never fear or cry" |
| Stewie Griffin | That's right. |
| Stewie Griffin | "Until we're syndicated, Fox will never let us die, please? |
| Stewie & Brian | "We're off on the road to Rhode Island |
| Stewie & Brian | "The home of that old campus swing |
| Brian Griffin | "We may pick up some college girls and picnic on the grass |
| Stewie Griffin | "We'd tell you more, but we would have the censors on our ass" |
| Brian Griffin | Yikes! |
| Stewie & Brian | "We certainly do get around |
| Stewie & Brian | "Like renegade Pilgrims who were thrown out of Plymouth Colony |
| Stewie & Brian | "we're Rhode Island bound |
| Stewie & Brian | "Or like two college freshmen who were rejected by Harvard |
| Stewie & Brian | "and forced to go to Brown |
| Stewie & Brian | "we're Rhode Island bound" |
| Stewie Griffin | Look who I found at the train station! |
| Lois Griffin | My baby! Mommy missed you so much! |
| Stewie Griffin | Yes. God forbid you should've put a little eyeliner on for my homecoming. |
| Lois Griffin | Did you have a nice trip with Brian? |
| Stewie Griffin | Yes. Smooth sailing through calm seas. |
| Brian Griffin | Kid, listen, thanks for not ratting me out. Is there anything I can do to pay you back? |
| Stewie Griffin | Yes. You remember that episode of The Brady Bunch where Bobby saved Greg's life and Greg became his slave? |
| Brian Griffin | Yeah. |
| Stewie Griffin | It's on this afternoon. You can tape it for me. |
| Stewie Griffin | And put a nice label on it. |
| Chris Griffin | CHRIS: Okay, Meg, I'm thinking of another word. |
| Chris Griffin | This time it's definitely not "kitty." |
| Chris Griffin | Can you guess what it is? |
| Meg Griffin | Is it "kitty"? |
| Chris Griffin | Get out of my head! |
| [Theme music] |