| Lois Griffin | [Singing] "It seems today that all you see |
| Lois Griffin | "is violence in movies and sex on TV |
| Peter Griffin | "But where are those good, old-fashioned values |
| Peter Griffin | "on which we used to rely? |
| All | "Lucky there's a family guy |
| All | "Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you |
| All | all the things that make us |
| Stewie Griffin | "laugh 'n' cry |
| All | "He's a family guy" |
| Peter Griffin | Okay, here's another riddle. A woman has two children. |
| Peter Griffin | And a homicidal maniac tells her she can only keep one. |
| Peter Griffin | Which one does she let him kill? |
| Brian Griffin | That's not a riddle. That's just terrible! |
| Peter Griffin | Wrong! The ugly one! |
| Peter Griffin | Peter, check out my new trampoline! |
| Joe Swanson | JOE: Whoa, mama! Yeah! |
| Peter Griffin | Jeez, Cleveland. That must've set you back, huh? |
| Peter Griffin | What'd you do? Sell your body to science? |
| Peter Griffin | Because I thought of doing that. |
| Teacher | All right. Jenny, would you come up here and show us where the femur is? |
| Peter Griffin | [Scary noises and laughing] |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Get out of here, you little bastard. |
| Peter Griffin | I knew this was the right thing to do. |
| Cleveland | No. I just got a big tax refund. |
| Cleveland | Uncle Sam sent me $500. |
| Joe Swanson | I got $600! |
| Quagmire | I got $850! |
| Charlie Brown | CHARLIE BROWN: I got a rock. |
| Joe Swanson | I spent my refund on a digital TV with Surround Sound. |
| Joe Swanson | With headphones, I can watch Steven Seagal films without waking Bonnie. |
| Joe Swanson | Yes! Lock and load! Bring on the pain! |
| Quagmire | I spent my refund on a plug-in Playmate. |
| Quagmire | So, schoolteacher. That must be interesting. |
| Peter Griffin | I'm getting something really special, too. |
| Peter Griffin | And by special, I don't mean like that Klinemann boy down the street. |
| Peter Griffin | More special like Special K, the cereal. |
| Peter Griffin | What did they do with the regular K? |
| Peter Griffin | And for that matter, whatever happened to Kaye Ballard? |
| Peter Griffin | You know, if you said "mallard" with a cold it would sound like "Ballard". |
| Brian Griffin | Do you listen to yourself? |
| Peter Griffin | I drift in and out. |
| [Cheery instrumental music] |
| Stewie Griffin | Rupert, the word "gullible" is not in the dictionary. |
| Stewie Griffin | You don't believe me? Here. Look it up! |
| Stewie Griffin | What? What's that? It really isn't? Rupert, touch |
| Stewie Griffin | Hoisted by my own petard. |
| Stewie Griffin | [Laughing] |
| Stewie Griffin | I am so alone. |
| Peter Griffin | Everybody, my tax refund is here. |
| Peter Griffin | I'm gonna buy us something we've always wanted. |
| Chris Griffin | A cat? |
| Meg Griffin | A stereo? |
| Lois Griffin | A pool? |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: I'm sorry. It is a pool. |
| Stewie Griffin | STEWIE: Joy unbounded! |
| Meg Griffin | MEG: Go, Daddy! |
| Chris Griffin | CHRIS: I'll feed it and take care of it! |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, my God! It's better than I thought! An Audi! I'm getting a car! |
| Brian Griffin | Peter, there's a "t" in there. That says "Audit." |
| Peter Griffin | No, Brian. It's a foreign car. The "t" is silent. Sweet! |
| Peter Griffin | I'm getting an Audi! |
| Chris Griffin | I have an innie. |
| Peter Griffin | Miss Stratford? |
| Miss Stratford | Come in, Mr. Griffin. Don't be nervous. |
| Miss Stratford | The IRS is much kinder and gentler than we used to be. You smell nice. |
| Peter Griffin | What? That must be you. |
| Miss Stratford | No. It couldn't be me. I just farted. |
| Miss Stratford | I just have a few questions about your return. |
| Miss Stratford | Did you incur any medical expenses this year? |
| Peter Griffin | You can write off medical stuff? Jeez. |
| Peter Griffin | Had I known, I wouldn't have used that discount surgeon. |
| [Medical equipment beeping] |
| Doctor | DOCTOR: I'm not sure which to cut here, the red one or the blue one. |
| Peter Griffin | Okay. Just relax. Let's see. |
| Peter Griffin | First, why don't you attach that green one to that purple one? |
| Doctor | DOCTOR: Okay, here goes. |
| Doctor | DOCTOR: Oh, God! |
| Peter Griffin | That kill me? I was afraid of that. |
| Peter Griffin | Try the green one and the blue one. |
| Miss Stratford | Mr. Griffin, you don't owe any additional money. |
| Miss Stratford | But unfortunately, you're not entitled to a refund. |
| Peter Griffin | [Screaming] |
| Miss Stratford | Mr. Griffin, are you okay? |
| Peter Griffin | Sorry, I still haven't gotten over the loss of Party of Five. |
| Peter Griffin | It'll take some time to get over it. Now what were you saying? |
| Miss Stratford | You're not entitled to a refund. |
| Peter Griffin | [Screaming] |
| Peter Griffin | I'm sorry. Come again? |
| Miss Stratford | You're not entitled to a refund. |
| Peter Griffin | [Screaming] |
| Miss Stratford | Was that for Party of Five, too? |
| Peter Griffin | No. That was for my refund. What the hell's Party of Five? |
| Peter Griffin | By God, I may not be able to give my family a vibrating sex doll. |
| Peter Griffin | But at least I can give them a pool. |
| Stewie Griffin | If you find a human skeleton with a Lincoln Log in the temple, I didn't do it. |
| Stewie Griffin | I need that log to finish my recreation of James Madison's cabin. |
| Lois Griffin | I don't want anyone swimming in this pool unless there's a lifeguard on duty. |
| Peter Griffin | [Laughing] |
| Peter Griffin | Doodie. Diarrhea. |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, Lois. |
| Lois Griffin | What? |
| Peter Griffin | Diarrhea. |
| Lois Griffin | [Laughing] |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, I'm holding iced tea! |
| Lois Griffin | Honey, you don't have to do this. |
| Lois Griffin | Maybe a pool is another one of those things our family doesn't really need. |
| Peter Griffin | Look everybody! I got us another dog! |
| Brian Griffin | What the... |
| Jasper Griffin | Hi. You guys have any Cheez Doodles? |
| Jasper Griffin | That's what I do. I ask for a snack and then I blow the horn. |
| Peter Griffin | Look. It's some kind of plastic root. |
| Lois Griffin | There's no such thing as a plastic root. |
| Steven Seagal | SEAGAL: You bastards come to our village, and kill our fish, pollute our water. |
| Steven Seagal | I'm gonna send you back to hell where you belong! |
| [Seals barking] |
| [Dramatic music playing] |
| Joe Swanson | No! |
| [Doll vibrating] |
| Doll | DOLL: Good-bye. |
| Quagmire | QUAGMIRE: Damn it! |
| Repairman | I fixed the power line. |
| Repairman | But the town's zoning laws prohibit building a pool back there. |
| Peter Griffin | What do you mean? It's my yard! |
| Repairman | I'm sorry, your house is too close to the curb. |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah? Your eyes are too close to your nose! |
| Repairman | That may be. But you know what? |
| Repairman | I only have to wear one goggle when I go swimming in my pool! |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, wait! Come back here! |
| Repairman | What? |
| Peter Griffin | I have to draw you! |
| Peter Griffin | You're why cavemen painted on walls! |
| Peter Griffin | Damn government! Tell me I can't build a pool on my own land. |
| Peter Griffin | After my grandfather helped create one of this country's most beloved cartoon characters. |
| Executive | Okay. We've narrowed it down to two possible names. |
| Executive | All in favor of "Bugs Bunny"? |
| Executive | And all in favor of "Ephraim the Retarded Rabbit"? |
| Grandfather Griffin | You can all go to hell! |
| Peter Griffin | Where's the Mayor's office? |
| Man | Last door on the left. |
| Mayor West | Come on. Come on. |
| Peter Griffin | Hello, is this the... |
| Mayor West | Sorry. I thought you were the District Attorney. |
| Peter Griffin | No. I'm Peter Griffin. |
| Mayor West | You're here about your pool. Step into my office. |
| Mayor West | I'm here to serve the fine citizens of Quahog. |
| Mayor West | It'd be my pleasure to give you a permit. |
| Peter Griffin | It's about time! |
| Mayor West | This is odd. |
| Peter Griffin | What? |
| Mayor West | I've never encountered anything like this before but your property doesn't seem to be on the map. |
| Mayor West | MAYOR: It's not part of Quahog. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: What? |
| Peter Griffin | I've been living at 31 Spooner Street for 12 years. |
| Mayor West | Sorry. But according to this map, you're not even part of these United States. |
| Mayor West | Which would make you a Communist! |
| Peter Griffin | [Screaming] |
| [Alarm buzzing] |
| Mayor West | Damn! Usually my malcontents are skinnier. |
| Mayor West | Would you come back in a week when my fat malcontent trap door will be completed? |
| Peter Griffin | I am not coming back in a week or ever! I've had it with you! |
| Peter Griffin | I've had it with this whole government! |
| Mayor West | Fine! |
| Mayor West | I love this job more than I love taffy. |
| Mayor West | And I'm a man who enjoys his taffy. |
| Mayor West | [Contented chewing] |
| Lois Griffin | What's going on? Did the city give you the permit? |
| Peter Griffin | No. We're not part of the city. We're not even part of this country. |
| Peter Griffin | And that makes us our own country! |
| Lois Griffin | What are you talking about? |
| Peter Griffin | Thanks to a technicality, we have the right to secede from the US. |
| Peter Griffin | From this day forth, this territory will be known as Petoria! |
| Peter Griffin | I'd call it Peterland, but that gay bar by the airport already took it. |
| Tom Tucker | Our lead story tonight, Petoria. |
| Tom Tucker | A new foreign country, founded this week right here in our own backyard! |
| Diane Simmons | And in a Quahog News 5 exclusive, we sent our own little foreigner Asian correspondent, Trisha Takanawa, to Petoria where First Lady Lois Griffin has graciously agreed to give us a tour of her country. Trisha. |
| Tom Tucker | Thank you, Diane. |
| Trishia Takanawa | So, Mrs. Griffin, what's it like being the woman behind the man? |
| Lois Griffin | When Peter first said we were our own country, I was a bit skeptical. |
| Lois Griffin | But then I thought, I could be like Hillary Clinton. |
| Lois Griffin | Only, without the penis. |
| Trishia Takanawa | Tell us a little bit about your country. |
| Lois Griffin | We're a clean, industrious people, mostly white. |
| Lois Griffin | My son, Chris, is in charge of our space program. |
| Lois Griffin | We hope to get to the moon very shortly. |
| Chris Griffin | Almost... |
| Chris Griffin | [Screaming] |
| Chris Griffin | CHRIS: They should really use monkeys for this. |
| Lois Griffin | And little Stewie here is our President of Poopie. |
| Stewie Griffin | [Sarcastic laughing] |
| Trishia Takanawa | So where is the President now? |
| Lois Griffin | He's out on a goodwill mission to America. |
| Cleveland | CLEVELAND: Here you go, Mr. President. "Mr. President." |
| Cleveland | Peter, that tickles me in a way that if Loretta tickled me in that way, I'd say: |
| Cleveland | "Oh, yeah. That's nice. That's the spot." |
| Peter Griffin | What are you talking about? I'm a born leader. |
| Peter Griffin | Like my great-great uncle Ulysses S. Griffin. |
| Soldiers | SOLDIERS: Chug-a-lug! |
| Ulysses S. Griffin | How's that, Robert E. Lee? |
| Robert E. Lee | All right, no more slaves. But we still don't have to read books! |
| Ulysses S. Griffin | Deal. |
| [Soldiers cheering] |
| Peter Griffin | Barkeep, petro-nemo-slappy-wag. |
| Peter Griffin | That's Petorian for "More beer, you slappy-wag." |
| Bartender | You still owe me for the other rounds, which comes to $50. |
| Peter Griffin | I'm a foreign diplomat. I don't pay for drinks. |
| Peter Griffin | Do you think G. Gordon Liddy paid for his drinks while he was strangling people with piano wire for the good of our nation? |
| Quagmire | Peter, you can't drink that outside. You could end up in jail. |
| Quagmire | Not the good jail like on Cinemax. The "man" jail. |
| Cleveland | Go back and pay the bill, Peter. You don't want to break the law. |
| Peter Griffin | I can do whatever I want. Watch this. |
| Cleveland | Now you're just being crazy. |
| Police Officer | That's against the law! You're coming with me! |
| Peter Griffin | Can't touch me. |
| [MC Hammer's Can't Touch This plays] |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: [Singing] "Can't touch me |
| Peter Griffin | "Just like the bad guy from Lethal Weapon 2 |
| Peter Griffin | "I've got diplomatic immunity So Hammer, you can't sue |
| Peter Griffin | "I can write graffiti even jaywalk in the street |
| Peter Griffin | "I can riot, loot, not give a hoot and touch your sister's teat |
| Peter Griffin | "Can't touch me |
| Peter Griffin | "Can't touch me" |
| Mayor West | What in God's name is he doing? |
| Peter Griffin | "Can't touch me" |
| Cleveland | I believe that's the Worm. |
| Peter Griffin | "Stop! Peter-time I'm a big shot, there's no doubt |
| Peter Griffin | "Light a fire and pee it out Don't like it, kiss my rump |
| Peter Griffin | "Just for a minute, let's all do the Bump |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: "Can't touch me |
| Peter Griffin | "Do the Peter Griffin Bump Can't touch me |
| Peter Griffin | "I'm Presidential Peter |
| Peter Griffin | "Interns think I'm hot Don't care if you're handicapped |
| Peter Griffin | "I'll still park in your spot I've been around the world |
| Peter Griffin | "From Hartford to Back Bay |
| Peter Griffin | "It's Peter, go, Peter, MC Peter, yo, Peter, let's see Regis rap this way |
| Peter Griffin | "Can't touch me" |
| Peter Griffin | Except for you. You can touch me. |
| Speaker | Attention, delegates. This session of the United Nations is hereby convened. |
| Peter Griffin | Man, this sucks. Podium guy! I've got a problem here! |
| Albanian Diplomat | Excuse me. Some of us are here to learn. |
| Peter Griffin | No one's talking to you, Albania. |
| Speaker | Is there a problem back there? |
| Peter Griffin | You bet your funny accent there's a problem. |
| Peter Griffin | I'm stuck up here in the nosebleeds. I am president of Petoria. |
| Peter Griffin | I want a better seat! |
| Speaker | Of course. How could we not have recognized the great nation of Petoria? |
| Speaker | Have a seat up front. |
| Peter Griffin | That's more like it! |
| Speaker | And would you also like a special satellite that can scratch your ass with a laser beam from space? |
| Peter Griffin | They have those? |
| [Laughing] |
| Peter Griffin | Hi, how you doing? You mind if I... |
| Diplomat | They don't respect you. |
| Peter Griffin | What do you mean? |
| Diplomat | Listen to me. I was the laughing stock around here until my country invaded Kuwait. Now I have a seat in the third row. |
| Diplomat | Look, the only way to get respect around here is to find something you want and just take it! |
| Peter Griffin | If everybody respects you, how come you're still eating here by yourself? |
| Diplomat | I don't shower. |
| Peter Griffin | That's what that is. Take what I want, huh? |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Good morning, Joe. |
| Joe Swanson | JOE: What are you doing in my pool? |
| Peter Griffin | This is the newest province of Petoria. I call it "Johio." |
| Joe Swanson | What? You can't just come over here and annex my pool! |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah? According to paragraph seven, sentence three, word eight of the Geneva Convention, "The." So tough luck, Swanson. |
| [Ominous instrumental music] |
| Military Advisor | So, as you can see, Petoria has invaded U.S. Soil. |
| Bill Clinton | What are our options? |
| Military Advisor | A military strike against such a small nation could cause an international backlash. |
| Bill Clinton | True. But this kind of behavior can't be tolerated. |
| Military Advisor | Agreed. I suggest we start with political sanctions. |
| Bill Clinton | Very good, gentlemen. |
| [Cheery instrumental music] |
| Peter Griffin | I guess the world will show me a little more respect now. |
| Chris Griffin | Dad, I tried to go to school, but this guy won't let me. |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah? Him and what army? |
| Chris Griffin | The US Army. |
| Peter Griffin | That's a good army. |
| Diane Simmons | DIANE: The scene outside the US/Petorian border as the sun rises on Day 1 of Operation Desert Clam. |
| Diane Simmons | Good morning, I'm Diane Simmons. |
| Diane Simmons | We now go to Tom Tucker, live at the site of the US blockade. Tom. |
| Tom Tucker | Diane, I'm here at the Petorian front where the US has cut off electricity water, and gas to the tiny four-bedroom republic. |
| Tom Tucker | The situation is very tense and extremely dangerous. |
| Tom Tucker | It's only a matter of time before... |
| Tom Tucker | Oh, my God! They've opened fire! |
| Tom Tucker | It looks like things are getting very heated here. |
| Tom Tucker | This is not a safe place to be. |
| Tom Tucker | [Bubble wrap popping] |
| Tom Tucker | [Slide whistle blowing] |
| Tom Tucker | And now, sports. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Lois? |
| Lois Griffin | Over here, honey. I'm chopping carrots for a salad. |
| Lois Griffin | Here. Use this headlamp. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Where's the kids? |
| Lois Griffin | Upstairs, doing their homework by candlelight. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Damn pig-dog Americans messing with my family like this! |
| Lois Griffin | Honey, we can't bathe. We can't do laundry. There's no heat. |
| Lois Griffin | We can't live like this forever. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: It's not forever. You know, it's just... |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, I'm up here. Sweetie. |
| Lois Griffin | Maybe you should go over to Joe's and return his pool, huh? |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Forget it! We're a real country. |
| Peter Griffin | And we deserve all the rights that everyone else gets. |
| Lois Griffin | But we have to think about the welfare of our children! |
| Lois Griffin | Stewie, is that you? |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Look, my mind is made up. I'm not giving up an inch of Petorian soil. |
| Lois Griffin | It's not a sign of weakness to compromise. |
| Lois Griffin | I just think you should... Peter, stop staring at my chest! |
| Brian Griffin | BRIAN: Oh, yeah. Sorry, Lois. |
| Moderator | And we're back with our round table discussion on the Petorian crisis. |
| Moderator | You were making a point, John? |
| John | Yes. What the United States is doing to Petoria right now is criminal! |
| Debator | Nonsense! Force is the only thing a despot like Peter Griffin understands. |
| Atlanta | ATLANTA: Fine. Why don't we just drop a bomb on him? |
| Moderator | MODERATOR: What about that, Eleanor? |
| Ealanor | It's ridiculous, clearly. He's a factory worker, not a despot. |
| John | That's not the point. Our blockade is turning Petoria into a third world country. |
| [Theme from The Brady Bunch] |
| Lois Griffin | Can anybody tell me what the square root of the hypotenuse is when... |
| Lois Griffin | Chris, is that a note? |
| Chris Griffin | CHRIS: No. |
| Lois Griffin | Yes, it is. Would you like to read it to the rest of the class? |
| Chris Griffin | No. |
| Meg Griffin | Just read it, Lardo. |
| Chris Griffin | "I think Mrs. Griffin's hot." |
| Lois Griffin | Go to your room. |
| Stewie Griffin | Damn you, Rupert! |
| Stewie Griffin | Keep these loathsome insects away from me or you'll end up like Mr. Giraffe. |
| Susan Sarandon | SUSAN: Hi. I'm Susan Sarandon. A lot of you know me as Tim Robbins' mother. |
| Susan Sarandon | But I'm actually his girlfriend. And this is Stewie. |
| Stewie Griffin | What the deuce? |
| Susan Sarandon | For less than a ticket to one of my films about capital punishment or neo-feminism, you can make sure that Stewie never goes hungry again. |
| Stewie Griffin | Yes, and from the look of those sweater cows, so can you. |
| Peter Griffin | Good morning, subjects. What's for breakfast? |
| Meg Griffin | Nothing, you idiot. We don't have any food. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, this has gotten way out of hand. Look at what we're reduced to! |
| Lois Griffin | Our own baby has to use newspapers for diapers! |
| Stewie Griffin | No, no. This is fine. One second. I'm just about finished with Family Circus. |
| Stewie Griffin | [Grunting] |
| Stewie Griffin | There we are. Who did that, Jeffie? Not me. |
| Peter Griffin | My God. We haven't been this miserable since that time we were tortured. |
| [Distant screaming] |
| Peter Griffin | I'm sorry. Were you just whipping me? Or did I just get bit by a mosquito? |
| Peter Griffin | Lois, if you happen to see the dungeon master, can you tell him his grandmother just tried to work me over? |
| Lois Griffin | It's time to call this whole thing off! Nobody's on our side! |
| Peter Griffin | Are you nuts? Look at all these telegrams. |
| Peter Griffin | "Nice going, Libya." "You da man, North Korea." |
| Peter Griffin | "Great job, Iraq." Iraq, Lois! You know what? |
| Peter Griffin | I'm gonna invite a few of these fellas over for a party. |
| [Helicopters flying overhead] |
| Peter Griffin | See, Lois? I told you we had allies. Slobodan, you made it! |
| Dictator | I didn't know what to bring. So I made coleslaw. |
| Dictator | It's made out of people! Just kidding. Is Muammar here yet? |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah. He's over there with Saddam. |
| Dictator | And then Jerry guessed that her name was "Mulva." |
| Dictator | That show is so funny. It really reminds me of me and my friends. |
| Dictator | How we hang out before I kill them for worshipping the wrong god. |
| Dictator | Yeah. And I love that Kramer guy. He comes in the room like this. |
| Dictator | I can't do it, but you know. |
| Dictator | Marco. |
| Dictator | Polo. |
| Dictator | Fish out of water! |
| [Laughing] |
| Stewie Griffin | Yes, those are looking good. Yes. Manuel? Manuel, do you want... |
| Stewie Griffin | Can you ask him if he wants cheese? |
| Stewie Griffin | Fidel, no running around the pool! |
| Stewie Griffin | I say, Ahmed. |
| Stewie Griffin | What is that thing you do when you're about to assassinate an infidel? |
| Ahmed | You mean this? |
| Ahmed | [High-pitched wailing] |
| Stewie Griffin | Oh, God. Yes, I love that. |
| Lois Griffin | Stewie! |
| Lois Griffin | This is insanity! |
| Peter Griffin | Whoa, where do you think you're going? |
| Lois Griffin | America! I've had enough. You can keep this filthy mess you call a country! |
| Lois Griffin | Come on, kids. |
| Stewie Griffin | STEWIE: This is treason! |
| Stewie Griffin | For God's sake, Peter, make an example of her! |
| Stewie Griffin | Nothing says "Obey Me" like a bloody head on a fence post. |
| Lois Griffin | Let's go. We're crossing the border. Good-bye, President Griffin. |
| Peter Griffin | Brian, at least you're loyal enough to stay with me. |
| Brian Griffin | I've stuck by you through worse. |
| Peter Griffin | [Screaming] |
| Peter Griffin | I guess it's you and me against the world, buddy. |
| General | GENERAL: Attention, President Griffin. |
| General | As you may presently yourself fully be aware of, my grammar sucks. |
| General | But more importantly we're about to commence Operation: Bomb the Crap Out of Your House. |
| General | The guy who thinks up the names is on vacation. Fire! |
| [Rocket flying] |
| Quagmire | To answer your question, something like that. |
| General | The guy who aims is in the john. Here he is. |
| General | The next one's coming right at you. |
| Brian Griffin | Face it, Peter. It's over. |
| Brian Griffin | Why don't you sit down with the mayor and negotiate a treaty? |
| Peter Griffin | Negotiate? Peter Griffin doesn't know the meaning of the word "negotiate." |
| Peter Griffin | Can I tie you to a stick and use you as a white flag? |
| Mayor West | Thank you all for coming. |
| Mayor West | We invited Jesse Jackson to open our negotiations with a prayer. |
| [Impressed exclaiming] |
| Mayor West | Unfortunately, he couldn't make it. So in his place, we have LaToya Jackson. |
| Latoya Jackson | Thanks. Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yay, God! |
| Mayor West | How very inappropriate. Thank you. Now, Mr. Griffin, would you like to begin? |
| Peter Griffin | After much thought and consideration I have decided to make a concession or two. |
| Mayor West | Very good, Peter. |
| Peter Griffin | First, I will return Joe's pool. |
| Joe Swanson | You got that right! |
| Peter Griffin | In exchange, I demand access to it on alternate weekends. |
| Joe Swanson | No! |
| Peter Griffin | Accepted. I also demand to remain my own independent nation. |
| Mayor West | Absolutely not. |
| Peter Griffin | How about you just give me your pen? |
| Mayor West | This cheap little pen we have millions of back at the office? |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah. |
| Mayor West | No. |
| Peter Griffin | So after all this, I end up with nothing? |
| Lois Griffin | How about this? Every night when you get home from work I'll scratch your back with a matchbook cover, like you like. |
| Peter Griffin | Lois. Would you call me "Big Rudy" when you do it? |
| Lois Griffin | No. |
| Teacher | TEACHER: And that's the story of Petoria. A little nation that, 200 years ago seceded and repatriated in less than a week. |
| Teacher | TEACHER: Any questions? |
| Student | STUDENT: Yeah. I don't get it. |
| Student | So can the family understand the baby? Or what's the deal with that? |
| [Theme music] |