| Announcer | ANNOUNCER: We now return to Sherry and the Anus. |
| Sherry | Anus, are you still up? |
| Anus | ANUS: Yeah. Come on in, sis. |
| Sherry | Have you ever had to tell a lie in order to keep a friend? |
| Anus | ANUS: Well, the other day I told Jane her blouse was pretty when it was really PU. |
| [Audience laughing] |
| Sherry | SHERRY: Anus, I'm serious! |
| Anus | ANUS: Look, sis. |
| Anus | ANUS: Sometimes it's better to tell a fib than to hurt someone's feelings. |
| Sherry | You're the best! |
| [Both laughing] |
| [Cheerful music playing] |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, that was good. |
| Peter Griffin | That was even funnier than the one where Anus got the hamster stuck in his mouth. |
| Lois Griffin | [Singing] "It seems today that all you see |
| Lois Griffin | "is violence in movies and sex on TV |
| Peter Griffin | "But where are those good, old-fashioned values |
| Peter Griffin | "on which we used to rely? |
| All | "Lucky there's a family guy |
| All | "Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you |
| All | "all the things that make us |
| Stewie Griffin | "laugh 'n' cry |
| All | "He's a family guy" |
| [Regal instrumental music] |
| Brian Griffin | The old alma mater. |
| Brian Griffin | I tell you, there's something magical about Brown. |
| Chris Griffin | Brown's the color of poo! |
| Chris Griffin | [Laughing] |
| Brian Griffin | Yes. Yes, it is. |
| Lois Griffin | I haven't been on a college campus in years. |
| Lois Griffin | Everything seems so different. |
| Stewie Griffin | STEWIE: Really? |
| Stewie Griffin | If you laid on your back with your ankles behind your ears, it would ring a bell. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Excuse me. We're here to see the dean. |
| Green Guy | Nobody sees the dean! Not nobody! Not no how! |
| Receptionist | I'm sorry. Can I help you? |
| Peter Griffin | Yes. This is Meg Griffin. |
| Peter Griffin | She's here to see the Dean of Admissions. |
| Peter Griffin | And we'd like it if she got into the university. |
| Peter Griffin | Go on, take it. |
| Receptionist | Wait over there. |
| Peter Griffin | My days in college were so exciting. |
| Peter Griffin | This one time the National Guard came and shot some of my friends. |
| Dean of Admissions | You must be the Griffins. Come in. |
| Lois Griffin | Oops, honey! You got a little smudge. |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, you got something on your other cheek, too. |
| Dean of Admissions | And this is Pembroke Quad. |
| Lois Griffin | Oh, very nice. Very Brideshead Revisited. |
| Brian Griffin | I'll tell you, being on this campus really brings back memories. |
| ? | [Gasps] |
| [Sad instrumental music] |
| Brian Griffin | Cowards! |
| Stewie Griffin | What ho! A veritable bevy of coeds. |
| Stewie Griffin | I say, the most recent campus sporting event was disappointing for our side, wasn't it? |
| Girl 1 | Oh, aren't you adorable! Are you in a fraternity, little boy? |
| Stewie Griffin | Not yet. But I'm thinking about joining I FELTA THI. |
| Stewie Griffin | [Laughing] |
| Stewie Griffin | So, what do you think of this Music Television? |
| Brian Griffin | If I remember correctly, this is the Physics Department. |
| Chris Griffin | That explains all the gravity. |
| [Suspenseful instrumental music] |
| Stewie Griffin | I say, it's like the spice rack in my fantasy kitchen. |
| Scientist | SCIENTIST: Hold on, little fella. This is just for big people. |
| Scientist | Why don't you come back in about 17 years? |
| Stewie Griffin | But the shelf life of that sodium pentothal is only two years and... |
| Stewie Griffin | Blast! |
| Stewie Griffin | This isn't the first time I've been thwarted by my small stature. |
| Auctioneer | Okay. Our next lot is number 15 in your program. |
| Auctioneer | This is a one-of-a-kind item. A super mega-death ray. |
| Auctioneer | It's got the power to enslave the entire human race. |
| Auctioneer | Do we have an opening bid? |
| Stewie Griffin | [Stewie exclaiming frantically] |
| Auctioneer | Anything? We'll take any bid. |
| Auctioneer | It can enslave the human race. |
| Auctioneer | MAN: Come on! It's solid titanium. |
| Stewie Griffin | STEWIE: Over here in the back! |
| Auctioneer | MAN: Do I hear $100? |
| Stewie Griffin | STEWIE: Come on! |
| Auctioneer | $5? |
| Auctioneer | All right, free? Enslave the human race. Doesn't cost you a dime. |
| Stewie Griffin | STEWIE: Behind the fat chick! |
| Auctioneer | AUCTIONEER: No? Okay. |
| Stewie Griffin | [Screams] |
| Stewie Griffin | I'm tired of being small. |
| [Eerie instrumental music] |
| Stewie Griffin | I wish I was big. |
| [Mechanical roaring] |
| Stewie Griffin | Blast! |
| Dean of Admissions | Well, then let's take a look at your transcript. |
| Dean of Admissions | "Meg." That's not very impressive. |
| Dean of Admissions | I mean, it's just three letters. It's hardly a name at all. |
| Peter Griffin | I never wanted to call her Meg. I wanted to call her Twiki. |
| Peter Griffin | But Lois said kids these days wouldn't get the reference. |
| Peter Griffin | You know who I'm talking about, right? |
| Dean of Admissions | I'm not quite sure you're Brown material. |
| Dean of Admissions | Don't you have any extracurricular activities at all? |
| Meg Griffin | I'm president of the Luke Perry Fan Club, Quahog Chapter. |
| Meg Griffin | But I've wanted to go to Brown ever since I was a little girl. |
| Meg Griffin | Well, actually, I really wanted to go to Wellesley. |
| Meg Griffin | But my mom said I might as well buy hiking boots and call myself a lesbian right now. |
| Lois Griffin | Meg, eat your salad. |
| Meg Griffin | We're not having dinner. |
| Lois Griffin | Then just be quiet. |
| [Cheery instrumental music] |
| Meg Griffin | I have no future! |
| Meg Griffin | I'm just gonna wait in my room until I'm dead. |
| Stewie Griffin | I'll be in shortly. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, we've got to do something. |
| Lois Griffin | If Meg doesn't get into college, who knows what kind of future she'll have? |
| Bum 1 | You ain't getting this meat. This is my meat. |
| Bum 2 | Shut up! I found this meat! |
| [Bell rings] |
| Bums | [Whistling] |
| Meg Griffin | I'm never gonna get into college. |
| Lois Griffin | You just need more extracurricular activities. |
| Peter Griffin | You could get a part-time job. |
| Peter Griffin | I had one when I was in high school. |
| Peter Griffin | [Sirens wailing] |
| [Romantic instrumental music] |
| Peter Griffin | [Shouting] |
| Woman | [Screaming] |
| Peter Griffin | That'll be $27.50. |
| Lois Griffin | Come on, Meg. |
| Lois Griffin | There's got to be at least a hundred clubs at your school. |
| Meg Griffin | I do have a friend at the school newspaper. |
| Peter Griffin | Thatta girl! |
| Peter Griffin | I got your first story right here. |
| Peter Griffin | Lois, I challenge you to a race around the world. Go! |
| Peter Griffin | [Maniacal laughter] |
| Neil Goldman | [Geeky voice] We need a picture for the front page. |
| Neil Goldman | Hold on. I got to rinse my retainer. |
| Neil Goldman | [Deep voice] I want something tasteful like the Malaysia spread in last month's Vanity Fair. |
| Neil Goldman | [Geeky voice] That was so sweet. It was wicked awesome. |
| Neil Goldman | NEIL: Stop the presses! It's Meg! |
| Neil Goldman | I'm just joshing. It's all done on Xerox. |
| Neil Goldman | What can I do you? |
| Meg Griffin | Look, Neil, I need an activity to get into Brown. |
| Meg Griffin | The paper's my last hope. Can I be a reporter? |
| Neil Goldman | I don't know, Meg. |
| Neil Goldman | You never seemed that interested in journalism, or journalists such as myself. |
| Meg Griffin | [Sighing] |
| Meg Griffin | You know, I never realized how smooth the skin between your acne is. |
| Meg Griffin | [Sighing] |
| Neil Goldman | Okay, I'll give you a shot. |
| Neil Goldman | I've never been able to get an interview with the mayor. |
| Neil Goldman | You get it and I'll make you a reporter. |
| Meg Griffin | You got it. |
| Neil Goldman | Run, little rabbit, run. |
| Neil Goldman | But someday our two worlds will be one. |
| Neil Goldman | I sure hope my face clears up by then. |
| [Cheery instrumental music] |
| Meg Griffin | Excuse me, Mayor West? |
| Mayor West | How do you know my language? |
| Meg Griffin | Listen to me. My entire future is in your hands. |
| Mayor West | Are you Sarah Connor? |
| Meg Griffin | No, I'm Meg Griffin. |
| Meg Griffin | I need to interview you... |
| Mayor West | You're with the press? |
| Meg Griffin | Yes. |
| Mayor West | Well, you can't interview a dead man, can you? |
| [Dramatic instrumental music] |
| [Sirens wailing] |
| Meg Griffin | What about my interview? |
| Buisness Man | Mayor West asked me to give you this. |
| Meg Griffin | Uh-oh. |
| Meg Griffin | Of course you realize this means war. |
| [Dramatic instrumental music] |
| Mayor West | No. |
| Mayor West | No, that's what they'll be expecting. |
| Meg Griffin | Mayor West? |
| Mayor West | Well, well, Mr. Toilet. I thought you were in the Hamptons. |
| Meg Griffin | No, no, no. It's me. Meg Griffin. |
| Mayor West | Young lady, I don't talk to the press under any circumstances. |
| Mayor West | What makes you think I'll talk now? |
| Meg Griffin | This! |
| Mayor West | You just don't give up, do you? |
| Mayor West | You seize life by the throat and shake it like a topless bartender mixing a martini! |
| Mayor West | You've got your interview. |
| Meg Griffin | Thanks! |
| Mayor West | Hey, hey. Listen to this. |
| Mayor West | Do I sound like I'm on old-time radio? |
| [Cheery instrumental music] |
| Lois Griffin | No more treats, Stewie. You're going to spoil your dinner. |
| Stewie Griffin | Oh, come on! |
| Stewie Griffin | Oh, damn my small stature! |
| Stewie Griffin | If I were big, just think where I would be. |
| Stewie Griffin | Tired of not being able to find clothes that fit? I know I was. |
| Stewie Griffin | That's why I started Stewie's Big and Tall Man Shop. |
| Stewie Griffin | If you're portly or tall you'll find a friendly atmosphere with personalized and expert service. |
| Stewie Griffin | Hi, Stewie. How's the weather up there? |
| Stewie Griffin | Very fair. Like our prices. |
| Chris Griffin | Hey, dude. You want some of these? |
| Stewie Griffin | I say, here's the solution to my troubles. |
| Stewie Griffin | If I could build a device to harness the size of that leviathan there's no limit to what I... |
| Stewie Griffin | Oh, my God! There's an orgy in my mouth! |
| Mayor West | ADAM WEST: "Got milk?" That's a funny one, too. |
| Mayor West | And, "I got ya, diagonally." |
| Mayor West | "Pretty sneaky, sis." That one's also funny. |
| Meg Griffin | You've been talking for an hour and I don't have anything I can use in my article. |
| Meg Griffin | MEG: Can you just please... ADAM |
| Mayor West | WEST: My God! |
| Mayor West | Somebody's stealing my water! |
| Mayor West | It just went down the drain. |
| Mayor West | They're crafty, I tell you. |
| Mayor West | It happens when you least expect it. |
| Mayor West | Show yourself, damn you! I've been investigating him for months. |
| Mayor West | It's cost $150,000 of the taxpayers' money. |
| Mayor West | But I'll find the culprits if it costs me $1 million. |
| Meg Griffin | You spent public money investigating this? |
| Meg Griffin | Thanks. You know, I think I have my story. |
| Mayor West | Your story? Wait a minute. |
| Mayor West | You can't print that! |
| Mayor West | It'll compromise my entire investigation! |
| Mayor West | Well, thank God she's just a figment of my imagination! |
| Chris Griffin | [Snoring] |
| [Suspenseful instrumental music] |
| [Electronic beeping] |
| Stewie Griffin | Well, let's take the old boy out for a spin. |
| Stewie Griffin | Eyes open. |
| Stewie Griffin | Voice test. "I'm Chris." |
| Chris Griffin | I'm Chris. |
| Stewie Griffin | "Eviscerate the proletariat." |
| Chris Griffin | Eviscerate the proletariat. |
| Stewie Griffin | [Singing] "If you're blue And you don't know where to go to |
| Stewie Griffin | "Why don't you go where fashion sits? |
| Chris Griffin | "Puttin' on the Ritz" |
| Stewie Griffin | Not my bit. But still funny. |
| Stewie Griffin | System off. |
| Stewie Griffin | Splendid. |
| Meg Griffin | MEG: I did it! I got a great story! |
| Brian Griffin | BRIAN: What did your editor say? |
| Meg Griffin | He was gone for the day. I just left it on his desk. |
| Meg Griffin | But here. I brought you a copy. |
| Brian Griffin | Oh, my God! "Corruption in City Hall." This is amazing. |
| Peter Griffin | Here. Let me see that. |
| Peter Griffin | This'll never get Meg on the paper. This is old news. |
| Peter Griffin | There have been scandals in politics ever since Thomas Jefferson. |
| Thomas Jefferson | Hold on. Honey, let's get all the kids in this. |
| Peter Griffin | Look, I know kids. And this story's gonna put them to sleep. |
| Peter Griffin | Meg needs something that's gonna pull those kids away from their Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots, Spirographs, Moby Grape, and 90210. |
| Peter Griffin | Luke Perry. That's it! |
| Peter Griffin | Brian, I got my story. |
| Peter Griffin | [Typing] |
| [Rousing instrumental music] |
| Peter Griffin | Now to get this story on the school editor's desk. |
| Peter Griffin | It's gonna take a portion of my cunning... No! No! All my cunning. |
| Peter Griffin | [Peter humming Mission Impossible theme] |
| Peter Griffin | [Humming climactic music] |
| [Cheery instrumental music] |
| Girl | Great story, Meg. |
| Meg Griffin | Oh, thanks. |
| Guy | Way to go, Meg! |
| [Applause] |
| Neil Goldman | Congratulations, Meg. |
| Neil Goldman | This is the most sensational story we've ever had. |
| Meg Griffin | [Screaming] |
| [Ominous instrumental music] |
| Woman | WIFE: Luke! Luke, time for dinner! |
| Luke Perry | LUKE: In a minute, babe. |
| Luke Perry | I'm reading every high school newspaper in America to see if I'm mentioned. |
| Luke Perry | LUKE: Oh, my God! Meg Griffin, you are so sued. |
| [Humming climactic music] |
| Peter Griffin | Luke Perry is suing us? |
| Meg Griffin | Dad, how could you do this to me? I love Luke Perry! |
| Peter Griffin | Jeez, Meg! You're wasting your time. Don't you read the papers? He's gay. |
| Brian Griffin | BRIAN: You can't just print lies about people. |
| Brian Griffin | Luke Perry has a wife and son. |
| Peter Griffin | So what? |
| Peter Griffin | A lot of famous types lead secret lives that we don't even know about. |
| Peter Griffin | Like Ricky Martin. |
| Fans | FANS: Ricky, we love you! |
| Stagehand | One minute to curtain, Jewel. |
| Fans | FANS: Jewel! Jewel! |
| Peter Griffin | I just wanted you to have something to put on your transcript. |
| Meg Griffin | Thanks to you I can put down I'm a big fat liar who makes up stories about people. |
| Peter Griffin | It worked for Walter Cronkite. |
| Peter Griffin | You know that whole Vietnam thing? Never happened. |
| Brian Griffin | BRIAN: But don't mention it around the Veterans' Hospital. |
| Brian Griffin | Those guys are really committed to the lie. |
| Meg Griffin | [Sobbing] |
| Peter Griffin | Don't cry, sweetheart. |
| Meg Griffin | I'll make it up to you. |
| Peter Griffin | You remember that pony you wanted when you were six? |
| Peter Griffin | Well, I bought him. |
| Peter Griffin | And I've been saving him for a time like this. Surprise! |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, God. That's right. Ponies like food, don't they? |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, boy. |
| Peter Griffin | Poor Meg. I know it sounds crazy. |
| Peter Griffin | But I can't help feeling like this is somehow my fault. |
| Brian Griffin | No. It's Luke Perry's fault. |
| Brian Griffin | If he were actually gay, Meg would be all set. |
| Peter Griffin | Brian, that's it! |
| Peter Griffin | If I could get a picture of Luke Perry doing something gay-like it'll make people believe Meg's story is true! |
| Brian Griffin | How are you gonna do that? |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, I've gotten people to believe crazier things. |
| Peter Griffin | And if you are pure of heart and deed you'll all go to a beautiful place called Heaven. |
| Peter Griffin | I'm yanking you. You just rot in the ground. |
| Stewie Griffin | All right. Now walk up to the counter. |
| [Electronic beeping] |
| Stewie Griffin | That's it. Ring the bell. |
| Shopkeep | Well, hi there. |
| Stewie Griffin | Good day, shopkeep. |
| Chris Griffin | Good day, shopkeep. |
| Stewie Griffin | I require a hand-operated buzz saw capable of cutting through a human sternum. |
| Shopkeep | What? |
| Chris Griffin | It's for a school project. |
| Chris Griffin | I'm some sort of student sent here for... |
| Chris Griffin | Oh, blast! What the devil do they study? |
| Chris Griffin | Latin class. |
| Shopkeep | Sorry, kid. I can't sell power tools to minors. |
| Chris Griffin | Now, look here, you gore-bellied codpiece. |
| Chris Griffin | Allow me to purchase the provisions I demand or I shall transform your blue collar into a red one and... |
| Chris Griffin | Who the deuce are you? |
| Chris Griffin | I don't have any spare change. |
| Chris Griffin | Where the hell would I keep it? In my diaper? |
| Chris Griffin | Get out of here, you hobo! |
| Chris Griffin | Bloody hell. Is this thing still on? |
| Peter Griffin | Now, we got to be very crafty so Luke Perry doesn't recognize us. |
| [Punching] |
| Brian Griffin | How the hell is he gonna recognize us? |
| Brian Griffin | He doesn't even know who we are. |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, yeah. You're right. |
| Man | Whoa! |
| [Punching] |
| Peter Griffin | Say, you look familiar. |
| Luke Perry | Yeah. I'm that guy you wish you were. |
| Peter Griffin | Okay, as soon as I seduce him, get ready to snap the picture. |
| Brian Griffin | You're really gonna try and seduce Luke Perry? |
| Peter Griffin | Listen, I'd take a bullet for Meg. |
| Peter Griffin | So, I'm sure I can take a... There he is. |
| Peter Griffin | Thirsty? |
| Luke Perry | No. |
| Peter Griffin | Jeez, the sun seems really strong! Even for my already bronzed skin. |
| Peter Griffin | Look at that! My muscles are all shiny with oil. |
| Peter Griffin | But how am I ever gonna spread it on my rippling back and thighs? |
| Peter Griffin | This is gonna take drastic measures. All right, get the camera ready. |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, Luke. |
| Brian Griffin | Mission accomplished. We now have a picture of Luke Perry vomiting. |
| Peter Griffin | That's no good, Brian. |
| Peter Griffin | Gays don't vomit. They're a very clean people. |
| Peter Griffin | And they have been ever since they first came to this country from France. |
| Peter Griffin | And they have been ever since they first came to this country from France. |
| [Suspenseful instrumental music] |
| [Wild electronic beeping] |
| Lois Griffin | Hi, honey. How was school? |
| Meg Griffin | MEG: Just great. |
| Meg Griffin | I can't even say my name without people asking me if I made it up. |
| Meg Griffin | How could Dad do this to me? |
| Lois Griffin | Honey. He wasn't doing it to you. He was doing it for you. |
| Lois Griffin | He knows how much you want to go to Brown. |
| Meg Griffin | There's no way I'm gonna get in now. I'm a felon. |
| Lois Griffin | Now, that's not true. |
| Lois Griffin | Libel's not a felony. It's a civil matter. |
| Lois Griffin | Don't worry. Your father will straighten everything out. |
| Lois Griffin | Come on. Let's go get our nails done. Chris, take care of Stewie. |
| Luke Perry | Five Seasons Hotel. |
| Peter Griffin | Hey there. You mind if I share a ride? |
| Luke Perry | I don't think so, pal. |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, my god! I know you! You're Luke Perry. |
| Peter Griffin | You were great in Rain Man! |
| Peter Griffin | Like that scene where you wanted to get on the plane. |
| Peter Griffin | And that dumb guy was screaming. |
| Luke Perry | That was Tom Cruise. |
| Peter Griffin | Not in this movie theater it wasn't. |
| Peter Griffin | Every time I see that lame-o actor, I put your head on his body. |
| Luke Perry | Thanks. It's always nice to meet someone who appreciates my work. |
| Peter Griffin | Why don't you come over so I can take a picture of you in a gay pose? |
| Luke Perry | Huh? |
| Peter Griffin | Dinner? |
| Luke Perry | Sure. |
| [Car pulls up outside] |
| Peter Griffin | I'm telling you, Dark Side of the Moon totally synchs up with The Wizard of Oz. - Really? |
| Luke Perry | Shannon Doherty told me that once. But I thought she was just being a bitch. |
| Luke Perry | Listen, I got to get going. |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, God! I'm sorry! You know what's good for getting wine out? |
| Peter Griffin | Sex with another man. |
| Luke Perry | Whoa. Look. |
| Luke Perry | LUKE: If you're gay, that's cool. But I'm not. |
| Luke Perry | And even if I was... I'm Luke Perry. I can get a much better gay guy than you! |
| Meg Griffin | MEG: Oh, my God! Luke Perry! |
| Lois Griffin | See, Meg? |
| Lois Griffin | I told you your father would explain about the article. |
| Luke Perry | Meg? Meg Griffin? |
| Peter Griffin | Peter, I think it's time for Plan B. |
| Peter Griffin | Way ahead of you, Brian. |
| Peter Griffin | Don't worry. I packed my own backup chute. |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, crap! |
| Luke Perry | I should have figured you were up to something. |
| Peter Griffin | Look, this is all my fault. |
| Peter Griffin | I was just trying to help my daughter get onto the school paper. |
| Peter Griffin | You know what it's like to be a teenager. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: You've played one for 30 years. |
| Lois Griffin | Won't you drop the lawsuit, Dylan? |
| Luke Perry | Ah, what the hell! |
| Luke Perry | But, you got to print the real story. |
| Luke Perry | And this time, I want to talk to the real reporter. |
| Luke Perry | Let's go, Meg. |
| Peter Griffin | See, Meg? Things always work out if you do whatever you want without worrying about consequences. |
| Meg Griffin | Thanks, Daddy. |
| Meg Griffin | Come on, Luke. I got my computer in my room. |
| Lois Griffin | Meg, keep your door open. |
| [Cheery instrumental music] |
| [Knocking] |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, Luke. |
| Peter Griffin | I just wanted to give you a copy of my daughter's article. |
| Peter Griffin | Listen, thanks a lot for the... |
| Luke Perry | Peter. I'm kind of busy right now. |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah, that's okay. Well, thanks... |
| Luke Perry | So, where were we? |
| Mayor West | If I do this, you promise to stop stealing my water? |
| Luke Perry | Yeah, whatever. |
| [Theme music] |