| Lois Griffin | [Singing] "It seems today that all you see |
| Lois Griffin | "is violence in movies and sex on TV |
| Peter Griffin | "But where are those good, old-fashioned values |
| Peter Griffin | "on which we used to rely? |
| All | "Lucky there's a family guy |
| All | "Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you |
| All | "all the things that make us |
| Stewie Griffin | "laugh 'n' cry |
| All | "He's a family guy" |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, guys! Check it out. Quagmire's trying to get lucky. |
| Quagmire | Hey, gorgeous! You want to come home with me? |
| Woman | I'm with my husband! |
| Quagmire | Lose the zero, get with the hero. |
| Quagmire | Little violent for you, don't you think? |
| Quagmire | I'll be right over there. |
| Tom Tucker | TOM: We interrupt with this news. |
| Tom Tucker | After years of isolation, mysterious and eccentric brewmeister Pawtucket Pat, announced he's opening his never-before-seen brewery to a lucky few. |
| Tom Tucker | Pawtucket Pat has placed four silver scrolls in four random beers. |
| Tom Tucker | Each lucky scroll-winner and a guest of their choice will take a magical tour of the brewery and walk away with a lifetime supply of beer. |
| Tom Tucker | What? Don't complain. This is actually making you look attractive. |
| Peter Griffin | Man! Did you guys hear that? |
| Peter Griffin | Imagine seeing the inside of the Pawtucket Patriot Brewery. |
| ??? | Forget it. You have no chance. |
| ??? | Yeah. You never win anything. Remember when you went on Password?. |
| Host | HOST: This one is for Peter Griffin and Tony Randall. |
| Announcer | ANNOUNCER: The password is "flaming." |
| Peter Griffin | You... |
| Tony Randall | Actor. |
| Peter Griffin | You... |
| Tony Randall | Tony? |
| Peter Griffin | You... |
| [Piano being played badly] |
| Lois Griffin | Very good, Jonas. Oh, my! Look at the time. |
| Jonas | Mrs. Griffin, I practiced just like you said. |
| Lois Griffin | Far be it from me to call you a liar. |
| Lois Griffin | Nothing. See you next week. |
| Meg Griffin | Mom, how come all your students suck? |
| Lois Griffin | I don't know, honey. |
| Lois Griffin | All I want is one pupil who's good enough to win the piano competition. |
| Lois Griffin | I'm sick of coming in second to that awful Alexis Radcliffe. |
| Lois Griffin | Every year, she wins and rubs it in my face. |
| Lois Griffin | Don't worry, sweetheart. There's always next year. |
| Alexis Radcliffe | Congratulations on second place, Lois. |
| Peter Griffin | Lois, thank God it's you! The last three houses I went to were very rude. |
| Lois Griffin | Have you been drinking? |
| Peter Griffin | Why, yes. Thank you. I got to find one of those silver scrolls. |
| Peter Griffin | Everyone's looking for them. |
| Adam West | All right. Listen to me, you long-neck bastard! |
| Adam West | You give me the scroll and I make you Head of Sanitation Services for the entire city. |
| Adam West | It's a do-nothing job, sweetcake. |
| Death | DEATH: Two more dead from alcohol poisoning. Looking for that scroll, huh? |
| Death | Wouldn't mind finding that thing myself. |
| Death | DEATH: Oh, jeez. |
| Death | Oh, man. |
| Death | I hope I don't get pulled over. Okay, be cool. Maintain. |
| Death | DEATH: Come on, Death. You can do this. |
| Lois Griffin | Why do you care so much about touring a stupid brewery? |
| Peter Griffin | Lois, everyone has their sanctuary. |
| Peter Griffin | The Catholics have churches. Fat people have Wisconsin. |
| Peter Griffin | And I have the Pawtucket Brewery. |
| Peter Griffin | Now, help me drink these beers. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, I'm not drinking this. |
| Peter Griffin | Okay. All right. Lois, I'm gonna go to the store now. |
| Peter Griffin | Okay? Here I go. |
| Lois Griffin | Stop it! What if the kids were to see you drinking like this? |
| Lois Griffin | Especially Stewie. He's so impressionable. |
| Stewie Griffin | Oh, my God! Please tell me we didn't do it. |
| Brian Griffin | BRIAN: Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Nothing! |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, it's 7:00 in the morning! |
| Peter Griffin | Thanks for the update, Big Ben! |
| Lois Griffin | You're drunk again! |
| Peter Griffin | No, I'm exhausted because I've been up all night drinking. |
| Lois Griffin | Listen, Peter, if you keep this up, something terrible's gonna happen. |
| Peter Griffin | Something terrible all the way to the bank! |
| Brian Griffin | Nice. |
| Lois Griffin | I don't have time for this. I'm late for my checkup. |
| [Raucous screaming] |
| All | Yeah! All right! |
| Peter Griffin | What's going on? |
| Cleveland | It seems Joe has found the first scroll. |
| Cleveland | He's tasting victory. I bet it tastes good like saltwater taffy or a Chunky. |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, no! If there's four tickets and one of them's gone that leaves... |
| [Cheerful instrumental music] |
| Peter Griffin | ...this many. |
| Doctor | Good morning, Mrs. Griffin. Hello. |
| Doctor | Just kidding. So, any problems? |
| Lois Griffin | No. Everything's fine, Doctor. |
| Alexis Radcliffe | Lois? |
| Lois Griffin | Hello, Alexis. |
| Alexis Radcliffe | Heard you might not enter the competition this year. Smart move. |
| Lois Griffin | Yes. There are more important things in life than a piano competition. |
| Alexis Radcliffe | Yes. Especially for those who have no... That's cold! Chance. |
| Lois Griffin | For your information, I have a student that could whip you. |
| Alexis Radcliffe | I guess I'll see you there. Fred, this is not a date! |
| Fred | FRED: All right, you're all done, Alexis. |
| Alexis Radcliffe | What do you know? Once again, I finish first. |
| Doctor | Don't let her get to you. She asked for "Pine Forest." I gave her "New Car." |
| Man | Did you hear? It's over! Somebody found the last scroll! |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, my God! No! |
| Tom Tucker | TOM: It's true. The final scroll has been recovered. |
| Tom Tucker | The lucky recipient has declined to be interviewed for safety reasons. |
| Tom Tucker | But I'm sure you're all with me when I say, "Congratulations, you son of a bitch." |
| Peter Griffin | What am I gonna do now? |
| Gazoo | Hello, dumb-dumb. |
| Peter Griffin | Not now, Gazoo. I want to be alone. |
| Gazoo | It's not always about you, fatso. Maybe I wanted to talk. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: I guess wanting it more than anyone wasn't enough. |
| Boy | You guys, it's a fake. There's still a scroll out there. |
| Tom Tucker | That's right, I made it up. I figured if people thought the last scroll was found everyone would stop looking, giving me the edge to find it myself. |
| Tom Tucker | What I did was wrong. |
| Tom Tucker | As an act of contrition, I will now insert this carnivorous earwig into my brain. |
| Tom Tucker | Kind of tickles. |
| [Screaming] |
| Tom Tucker | TOM: Oh, God! It's eating out the back of my eyes! |
| Diane Simmons | DIANE: In other news, chocolate may be better for you than once thought. |
| Diane Simmons | In a recent 12-day study... |
| Peter Griffin | My last beer. Here goes. |
| Peter Griffin | I bet that scroll makes the beer taste terrible. |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, God! What the hell? |
| [Dramatic instrumental music] |
| Peter Griffin | I found it! I found the last scroll! |
| ??? | I found it! I found the last scroll! |
| Man 1 | MAN 1: He found it! MAN |
| Man 2 | 2: Oh, my God! |
| Man 2 | Run home, Peter! Run as fast as you can! |
| [Cheerful instrumental music] |
| [Howling in pain] |
| [Marching band playing] |
| Peter Griffin | Man! This is the happiest day of my life. |
| Peter Griffin | Now I know how Barbra Streisand must've felt when she married James Brolin. |
| Barbara Streisand | I love you. |
| James Brolin | I love you, too. |
| Barbara Streisand | I'm so glad I married a regular person and not a celebrity. |
| Trishia Takanawa | TRISHA: Professional ninja Jerry Nelson, how did you find your silver scroll? |
| Ninja | NINJA: I was at home nursing this throwing-star wound. |
| Ninja | My wife Janie gives me a beer. And, bam! There it was. |
| Ninja | Honey, I'm sorry. You know you can't sneak up on me like that. |
| Announcer | ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, in his first public appearance, Pawtucket Pat! |
| [Fanfare] |
| Cheech Marin | That's for my brother Luis! He drank himself to death on your crappy beer! |
| Pawtucket Pat | Got you! |
| Pawtucket Pat | A big hand for Cheech Marin, everybody. |
| Pawtucket Pat | Let the tour begin. |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, look. |
| Pawtucket Pat | PAT: Those are the Chumba Wumbas. They live here with me. |
| Joe Swanson | Hey, Pat? Where's the wheelchair ramp? |
| Pawtucket Pat | We don't have one. I guess this is where you get off. |
| [Penny whistle playing] |
| Chumba Wumbas | CHUMBA WUMBAS: [Singing] "Chumba Wumba, gobbledy goo |
| Chumba Wumbas | "Life isn't fair, It's sad but it's true |
| Chumba Wumbas | "Chumba Wumba, gobbledy gee |
| Chumba Wumbas | "When your poor legs are stiff as a tree |
| Chumba Wumbas | "What do you do when you're stuck in a chair? |
| Chumba Wumbas | "Finding it hard to go up and down stairs |
| Chumba Wumbas | "What do you think of the one you call God? |
| Chumba Wumbas | "Isn't his absence slightly odd? |
| Chumba Wumbas | "Maybe he's forgotten you |
| Chumba Wumbas | "Chumba Wumba, gobbledy gorse |
| Chumba Wumbas | "Count yourself lucky you're not a horse |
| Chumba Wumbas | "They would turn you into dog food |
| Chumba Wumbas | "or to Chumba Wumba gobbledy glue" |
| Joe Swanson | JOE: I'm glad I'm not taking your stupid tour! |
| Joe Swanson | I'm a Coors man anyway! Silver Bullet! |
| Chumba Wumbas | "Gobbledy glue" |
| [Piano playing] |
| Lois Griffin | Very good, Jimmy. |
| Stewie Griffin | STEWIE: I'm watching the History Channel. |
| Lois Griffin | Try it again. |
| Stewie Griffin | Not talking to myself. |
| Lois Griffin | You're good enough to tackle a Beethoven sonata. |
| Lois Griffin | Let me grab the sheet music. Keep playing. |
| [Piano playing continues] |
| [Punching] |
| Lois Griffin | I got the music. Oh, my God! Jimmy, what happened? |
| Stewie Griffin | STEWIE: Yes, Jimmy. What happened? |
| Jimmy | I fell. |
| Pawtucket Pat | PAT: It's all behind this door. Lady and gentlemen, the beer room! |
| Pawtucket Pat | [Mystical instrumental music] |
| Pawtucket Pat | PAT: [Singing] "Take a drink and you'll sink |
| Pawtucket Pat | "to a state of pure inebriation |
| Pawtucket Pat | "You'll be tanked |
| Pawtucket Pat | "like the whole Irish nation |
| Pawtucket Pat | PAT: "When you drink enough of my beer |
| Pawtucket Pat | "you will find this magic rule |
| Pawtucket Pat | "Make your every joke a jewel |
| Pawtucket Pat | "You'll drive drunker than |
| Pawtucket Pat | "Oksana Baiul |
| Pawtucket Pat | "Go on, buds, drink my suds |
| Pawtucket Pat | "till you've reached that pure inebriation |
| Pawtucket Pat | "Though the beer may be free |
| Pawtucket Pat | "you're just renting it from me" |
| Peter Griffin | It's like I died and went to heaven. |
| Peter Griffin | But then they realized that it wasn't my time. |
| Peter Griffin | And so they sent me back to a brewery. |
| Pawtucket Pat | We're working the bugs out of our latest invention Perma Suds, beer that never goes flat. |
| Pawtucket Pat | No matter how old it gets, it stays carbonated. |
| [Impressed exclaiming] |
| Peter Griffin | Brian, wait. |
| Brian Griffin | Maybe we should stick with the group. |
| Peter Griffin | Beer that never goes flat. Do you know what that means, Brian? |
| Peter Griffin | This beer will still be carbonated long after you die of old age and we buy another dog to help the kids forget about you. |
| Brian Griffin | Peter, I wouldn't... |
| Peter Griffin | Wow, that's incredible! |
| Brian Griffin | What the hell? Cheers. |
| Brian Griffin | I don't know why he said it wasn't ready. It tastes pretty good to... |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Oh, my God! What the hell's happening? |
| Brian Griffin | It must be the beer! Hey, check this out. |
| Brian Griffin | And look at this. |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, yeah? Watch this. |
| Brian Griffin | Oh, my God! |
| Peter Griffin | Relax. It's just a trick. See? Look, my thumb is fine. |
| Brian Griffin | I'm talking about that! |
| Peter Griffin | Holy crap! There's nothing to grab onto! |
| Peter Griffin | This is it, pal. We're goners. |
| Brian Griffin | Peter, I want you to know I've really cherished our friendship. |
| Peter Griffin | Me, too. That's why I was holding this in. But since we're gonna die anyway... |
| [Peter farts] |
| Brian Griffin | Peter, that's it! |
| [Brian farts] |
| Brian Griffin | Pull my finger. |
| Peter Griffin | My pleasure. |
| Brian Griffin | Hey, Peter? This next one you can blame on the dog. |
| Peter Griffin | Silent but lifesaving. |
| Pawtucket Pat | What the hell is this? Didn't you see that sign? |
| Pawtucket Pat | You've sullied my factory and disobeyed my rules! I want you to leave immediately! |
| Peter Griffin | Come on! Don't I at least get a Chumba Wumba song? |
| Pawtucket Pat | Fine. |
| [Penny whistle playing] |
| Chumba Wumbas | CHUMBA WUMBAS: [Singing] "Chumba Wumba gobble" |
| [Howling in pain] |
| [Crickets chirping] |
| Lois Griffin | Come on, Meg. The competition is this Sunday and you're not even close to ready. |
| Meg Griffin | Maybe if you loosen my chains? |
| Lois Griffin | We tried that. Remember, honey? You can't be trusted. |
| Peter Griffin | Lois, take a letter. "Dear Pawtucket Pat... |
| Peter Griffin | "...I hate you. You are a bad man. |
| Peter Griffin | "And you made me cry. Furthermore..." |
| Lois Griffin | Not now, Peter. |
| Lois Griffin | Meg and I are having a little girl time. |
| Meg Griffin | Help me! |
| Lois Griffin | Go on. No boys allowed. |
| Peter Griffin | Jeez, Lois! Still with the piano? |
| Peter Griffin | What's a guy got to do to get a little attention around here? |
| [Piano playing] |
| [Beautiful piano music] |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, that's incredible! I don't understand how... |
| Lois Griffin | You're like the idiot from Shine! |
| Lois Griffin | Meg, you're free. Try the clarinet. Keep playing! |
| [Beautiful piano playing] |
| [Playing begins to degenerate] |
| Lois Griffin | No. Play it like you did last night. |
| Peter Griffin | I can't. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, talent doesn't disappear just like that. |
| Peter Griffin | Sometimes it does. You were pretty bad in bed Saturday night. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Come on, Lois. Move or something. Jeez, it's like doing it with a pillow! |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, I stayed at my mother's that night. |
| Peter Griffin | Jeez! This hangover's killing me. |
| Peter Griffin | I haven't felt this crappy since I went to that museum. |
| Peter Griffin | Why did all the dinosaurs die out? |
| Museum Docent | Because you touch yourself at night. |
| Brian Griffin | Here. This'll make you feel better. |
| [Plays piano hesitantly] |
| [Plays beautifully] |
| Brian Griffin | BRIAN: I think we found his muse. |
| Lois Griffin | Oh, my God! You can only play the piano when you're drunk. |
| Peter Griffin | That's not true. |
| Peter Griffin | I can also vomit, fall down and make dirty calls to your sister when I'm drunk. |
| Lois Griffin | Go pick up a case of beer. We got a lot of practicing to do. |
| Peter Griffin | Practicing? What for? |
| Lois Griffin | The competition. You're gonna be my first champion. |
| Stewie Griffin | Play that sad walking-away song from The Incredible Hulk. |
| [Sentimental instrumental music] |
| Stewie Griffin | Hey, everyone! Look at me! |
| [Music continues] |
| [Playing The X-Files theme beautifully] |
| [Applause] |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, thanks. You think that was great, watch this. |
| Peter Griffin | Lois, I'm losing my buzz! I need more talent juice. |
| Lois Griffin | Another beer already? |
| Peter Griffin | I guess I don't have to be prepared for the competition. |
| Lois Griffin | I need another pitcher over here. |
| Cleveland | Wow! Lois must have written the book on man-pleasing. |
| Cleveland | Too bad Loretta doesn't allow white literature in our household. |
| Lois Griffin | How much harm can one more pitcher do? |
| Brian Griffin | This is for the sake of art, right? |
| Lois Griffin | Don't start with me, Brian. This may not be my proudest moment. |
| Lois Griffin | But, damn it! I want to win. |
| Brian Griffin | You're not the first person to do whatever it takes to win. |
| Godfather | You come to me and ask me to kill a man I do not know. |
| Godfather | I ask you, why should I kill this Count Chocula? |
| Captain Crunch | Because that son of a bitch has been spreading lies! |
| Captain Crunch | My cereal does not cut the roof of your mouth! With all respect. |
| Kid | KID: I can't believe I'm missing Ronnie's party for this. |
| Mother | That Ronnie's a bad influence. |
| Father | Yeah, that little bastard sold me some really bad crack! |
| Mother | Stay out of it, Herb! You're not even his real father. |
| Lois Griffin | Yes. We're checking in. The student's name is Peter Griffin. |
| Assistant | Oh, yes. He's on in an hour. |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah. Where's the nearest liquor store? |
| Assistant | They're all closed on Sundays. This is a dry county. |
| Peter Griffin | I can't do it without booze! |
| Lois Griffin | Maybe this is a sign that we need to stop this. |
| Lois Griffin | I've been keeping you ripped out of your head for my own selfish needs. |
| Lois Griffin | I'm ashamed. Let's just go home. |
| Peter Griffin | Now, Lois. We can't stop now after all we've put into this. |
| Peter Griffin | Yo, fresh! How do I get to Ronnie's party? |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, we're not going to a high school party! |
| Alexis Radcliffe | Lois. |
| Lois Griffin | Alexis. |
| Alexis Radcliffe | Loser says what? |
| Lois Griffin | What? |
| Lois Griffin | I'll drive. |
| [Rock music playing at party] |
| Teenager | Consume! |
| Peter Griffin | I love you so much. |
| Teenager | This sucks! |
| Peter Griffin | When I was your age, we had way better drinking games. |
| ??? | You drink! |
| [Siren wailing] |
| Kid 1 | KID 1: It's the cops! KID |
| Kid 2 | 2: Run! |
| Policeman | Hold it, you two. Aren't you a little old to be drinking illegally? |
| Peter Griffin | Lois, look over there! Run! |
| [Piano being played] |
| Peter Griffin | I want to make you feel beautiful, Lois. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, stop. Try to stay focused. |
| [Applause] |
| Lois Griffin | Okay. You're on. |
| Lois Griffin | Wait, here's a little something for good luck. |
| Lois Griffin | Make sure your trills are clean and watch the legato in the fourth measure. Go! |
| [Drunken laughter] |
| [Belching] |
| [Off-key piano playing] |
| [Theme from The Mary Tyler Moore Show] |
| [Applause] |
| Lois Griffin | Bravo! |
| Peter Griffin | We did it, Brian. |
| Brian Griffin | BRIAN: Congratulations, Lois. |
| Lois Griffin | For what? Winning a trophy at the expense of my husband's health? |
| Lois Griffin | God knows how many of his brain cells I killed pouring all that alcohol down his throat. |
| Peter Griffin | Lois, you don't get it. |
| Peter Griffin | The lesson here is that abusing alcohol has absolutely no negative consequences. |
| Peter Griffin | You have your trophy and my brain cells are just fine. |
| Brain Cell | Hello? Where is everybody? |
| Brain Cell | I'm the only brain cell left. |
| Brain Cell | At least I have my books. |
| Brain Cell | No, that's not fair! |
| Brain Cell | There was time now! |
| Brain Cell | It's not fair! |
| [Theme from The Incredible Hulk] |
| [Theme from The Incredible Hulk] |