| Announcer | ANNOUNCER: We now return to Little House on the Prairie. |
| Pa | That's wonderful, Mary. You're doing great with your Braille. |
| Mary | I couldn't have done it without you, Pa. |
| Pa | Why don't you go up to bed and get some sleep, honey? |
| Pa | Honey, you remember where the stool was. |
| Pa | Mary, you're in the kitchen, sweetheart, you're all disoriented. |
| Pa | Let me help you. The ladder's right here. |
| Mary | Thanks, Pa. |
| Mary | [Crashing] |
| Pa | [Laughing] |
| Peter Griffin | Jeez, life was a lot tougher back then. |
| Lois Griffin | [Singing] "It seems today that all you see |
| Lois Griffin | "is violence in movies and sex on TV |
| Peter Griffin | "But where are those good, old-fashioned values |
| Peter Griffin | "on which we used to rely? |
| All | "Lucky there's a family guy |
| All | "Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you |
| All | "all the things that make us" |
| Stewie Griffin | "laugh 'n' cry" |
| All | "He's a family guy" |
| Lois Griffin | Listen up, everybody. It's time for spring cleaning. |
| All | ALL: Spring cleaning? Oh, not again. |
| All | That was weird. |
| All | Boy, that was weird, too. |
| Lois Griffin | If we all pitch in, we'll be done in no time. |
| Peter Griffin | Lois, you know I swore I'd never clean again. |
| Peter Griffin | Not after Bounty dropped me as their spokesman. |
| Peter Griffin | Wait a second. |
| Peter Griffin | Rosie, I've just poured this glass of warm yellow liquid on the counter and you're telling me that Bounty can pick it up in five seconds? |
| Rosie | What is this? |
| Peter Griffin | Four seconds. |
| Rosie | Is that... |
| Peter Griffin | Three seconds. |
| Rosie | It smells like... |
| Peter Griffin | Clean my pee! |
| Meg Griffin | Mom, I can't clean. I got stuff to do. |
| Lois Griffin | Sweetheart, we all know you don't have any stuff to do. |
| Lois Griffin | Now, I don't want to hear any more excuses from anyone. |
| All | ALL: Crap! We did it again! |
| All | ALL: Ruth Bader Ginsburg! |
| All | [Oohing] |
| Lois Griffin | Look, Meg, it's your little baby booties. |
| Lois Griffin | And your little bronze hat. And your tail. |
| Meg Griffin | MEG: My what? |
| Lois Griffin | Nothing. |
| Peter Griffin | Okay, Lois' list says clean the windows, clear the gutters, and wash the siding. |
| Peter Griffin | To most folks, that's three chores. |
| Peter Griffin | To Peter Griffin and his big hose, it's one. |
| Cleveland | You're not working hard, Peter, you're working smart. |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, Chris, give me the juice! |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, there's water and glass! It's a disaster in here! |
| Peter Griffin | Well, why don't you put down your ginger ale and Redbook and get to work? |
| Peter Griffin | Lazy. |
| Lois Griffin | You're not helping! Look, don't come near the house! |
| Lois Griffin | Go do something else. |
| Joe Swanson | JOE: This duffel bag is only half-zipped. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Where are you going? |
| Joe Swanson | I'm going camping for the weekend with Johnny-Cut-Corners. |
| Joe Swanson | You guys want to come along? |
| Cleveland | It would be nice to get out of the house. |
| Cleveland | This is the time of the month when Loretta is visited by her Aunt Flo. |
| Cleveland | Loretta likes to personify her menses in humorous ways. |
| Joe Swanson | JOE: Hey, Quagmire! You up for some camping? |
| Quagmire | Sorry, bud, the only tent I'm pitching this weekend is... |
| Quagmire | Well, you see where I'm going with this. |
| Chris Griffin | I want to go, Dad. It'll get me away from the evil monkey that lives in my closet. |
| Peter Griffin | Monkey in the closet. |
| Peter Griffin | This is gonna be great. |
| Peter Griffin | Last time I did male bonding was when me and Cleveland went to Chinatown. |
| Peter Griffin | Look, forget how it happened. Can you just get us out of this? |
| Stewie Griffin | I say, Rupert, this paste is quite delicious. |
| Stewie Griffin | It's almost worth the bowel obstruction. |
| Brian Griffin | Are those my books? What the hell are you doing? |
| Stewie Griffin | Papier-mGchT. I used them to make the houseboat from Surfside 6. |
| Stewie Griffin | You remember. |
| Stewie Griffin | STEWIE: [Singing] "Surfside 6, who lives there? |
| Stewie Griffin | "Surfside 6, young bachelors |
| Stewie Griffin | "In Miami Beach" |
| Brian Griffin | Those are my first editions, you little punk! |
| Stewie Griffin | Mama, doggy scary! |
| Lois Griffin | Brian, have you lost your mind? He's just a baby. |
| Lois Griffin | He doesn't know what he's doing. |
| Brian Griffin | This isn't over! |
| Stewie Griffin | If you're looking for your Dostoyevsky, I used it to make the fort from F Troop. |
| Lois Griffin | Look what I found, Stewie. An appointment card. |
| Lois Griffin | You've got a checkup. |
| Stewie Griffin | Marvelous. A quick weigh-in, a "stick out your tongue" and a nice lollipop to cap it all off. Remind me to ask the doctor when my other testicle will descend. |
| Cleveland Jr. | Bang! I'm Daniel Boone! I'm a man! I'm a big man! Bang! Bang! |
| Cleveland Jr. | Now I'm Pat Boone. Gonna have a Christmas special with Andy Williams. |
| Peter Griffin | So beautiful. |
| Peter Griffin | It's almost as if this world was created especially for me. |
| Man | Do you think he's onto us, Christof? |
| Christof | No, he's an idiot. |
| Kevin Swanson | Dad, I dug the latrine 50 feet out. |
| Joe Swanson | That's great. You want a cookie every time you do something right? |
| Joe Swanson | Go get some firewood! |
| Kevin Swanson | Yes, sir! |
| Joe Swanson | He's gonna grow up to be quite a man! |
| Woman | That was incredible, Kevin. |
| Kevin Swanson | I'm not here to impress you. Am I, Dad? |
| Joe Swanson | Did I say you could rest yet? |
| Cleveland Jr. | I'm Abe Lincoln! I just chopped some wood! |
| Chris Griffin | Good for you, son. |
| Peter Griffin | Where's Chris? I asked him to fill up the canteens an hour ago. |
| Chris Griffin | CHRIS: Hey, Dad, look. |
| Chris Griffin | I covered my back with honey, and now the ants are taking me home. |
| Peter Griffin | He does the same thing at home with Velveeta and cockroaches. |
| Peter Griffin | If you turn the light on fast, they slam him into the fridge. |
| Stewie Griffin | Great, Mirabella. |
| Stewie Griffin | December's Mirabella. |
| Stewie Griffin | What's your story? Get lost on the way to the morgue? |
| Stewie Griffin | No, seriously, is that yours? Because if it is, bravo. |
| Cleveland | You remember that short-lived sitcom, Fish? |
| Cleveland | They should've put that on before CHiPs. |
| Cleveland | The marketing practically writes itself. |
| Joe Swanson | JOE: Let's go, Chris, your dinner isn't gonna catch itself. |
| Chris Griffin | I don't want to go. I had a bad experience with a fish once. |
| Chris Griffin | Oh, my God! My fish is gone! |
| Chris Griffin | And he robbed me! |
| Peter Griffin | Okay, see you, Chris. |
| Joe Swanson | Peter, this is none of my business, but you're turning your boy into a slacker. |
| Peter Griffin | How dare you call my parenting into question. |
| Peter Griffin | If you were a woman, I'd slug you. |
| Joe Swanson | I'm just saying you should teach him some responsibility. |
| Peter Griffin | All right, I'll show you responsibility. |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, Chris, you are responsible for guarding the camp while we're fishing. |
| Peter Griffin | You got it, Dad. You can count on me... |
| Chris Griffin | [Snoring] |
| Peter Griffin | Chris, pay attention. I want you to... |
| Peter Griffin | [Snoring] |
| Dr. Hartman | All right, take a deep breath, Stewie. |
| Stewie Griffin | [Giggling] |
| Stewie Griffin | Cold! Cold! Okay. I'm fine. |
| Stewie Griffin | [Sighing] |
| Stewie Griffin | Tell me, Dr. Hartman, do all the children fall in love with you? |
| Stewie Griffin | That's cold. |
| Dr. Hartman | Twenty-nine pounds. That's big for your age. |
| Stewie Griffin | Forgive me for not being one of those anorexic babies from the diaper commercials. |
| Dr. Hartman | All right, little guy, time for your immunizations. |
| Dr. Hartman | You might want to hold him. |
| Stewie Griffin | Hold me for what? |
| Stewie Griffin | What the deuce? |
| Lois Griffin | I'm sorry, sweetie. |
| Stewie Griffin | Back off! Don't come any closer or I'll cut her! |
| Stewie Griffin | I'll give her a series of splinters that could, you know, become infected. |
| Lois Griffin | Look, Stewie, look at the dancing kitty. |
| Stewie Griffin | Oh, no! I'll not be taken in by one of your... |
| Stewie Griffin | Oh, my. That's delightful, isn't it? What's your name, you little... |
| Stewie Griffin | Oh, God! |
| Peter Griffin | They call this the magic hour. |
| Peter Griffin | The day's not quite gone, but the night's not quite here and somewhere, Scott Baio is plowing a woman he doesn't love. |
| Kevin Swanson | I got one, Dad! |
| Peter Griffin | Looks like that's the one that got away. |
| Joe Swanson | The hell it is! You get in there, and you kick that fish's ass! |
| Joe Swanson | God, I love him! |
| Cleveland | CLEVELAND: I can't believe how terrible the fishing was. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Yeah, all we caught was a tire, a boot, a tin can and this book of clichTs. |
| Joe Swanson | JOE: Well, thank God we came prepared. We brought enough food to last us... |
| Peter Griffin | Holy crap, Chris! What the hell? I put you in charge of the food. |
| Chris Griffin | The raccoons were here. See? |
| Chris Griffin | CHRIS: We're a bunch of sneaky animals. We're gonna wreck this food and eat it 'cause we're naughty. And there's a guy. |
| Chris Griffin | Let's get him in trouble with his dad. |
| Joe Swanson | Somehow I'm less than surprised. |
| Chris Griffin | I'm sorry, Dad. I messed up the entire trip. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: It's not your fault, Chris. I failed you as a father. |
| Peter Griffin | From now on, Joe will be your father. |
| Peter Griffin | Cleveland? |
| Deer | I'll teach the boy. Come, my son. I'll show you the ways of the herd. |
| [Gunshot] |
| Peter Griffin | Crap! |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, why are you sitting with the sheets over your head? |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, what's wrong? |
| Peter Griffin | That obvious? |
| Lois Griffin | Well, you always do the skull gag when you're depressed. Talk to me. |
| Peter Griffin | Well, it's just, I've been trying to teach Chris how to be a man, you know? |
| Peter Griffin | First, I tried teaching him how to eat an Oreo. |
| Peter Griffin | Chris, the way to eat an Oreo is to twist it, pull it apart, and lick it. |
| Peter Griffin | Now, you. |
| Peter Griffin | I tried teaching him how to get out of paying a check. |
| Peter Griffin | Waiter, there's a dead guy in my soup. |
| Waiter | I'm terribly sorry, sir. Of course your soup is gratis. |
| Peter Griffin | Thank you. Now, your turn. |
| Chris Griffin | Waiter, there's a dead guy in my... |
| Man | [Screaming] |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, you can't force-feed maturity. He needs to learn it on his own. |
| Lois Griffin | Why don't you get him a job? |
| Peter Griffin | Freeze-frame! |
| Peter Griffin | That's it! I can teach Chris responsibility by getting him a job. |
| Peter Griffin | Isn't she great? Now you see why I married her. |
| Peter Griffin | Go away now. I'm going to do stuff to her. |
| Lois Griffin | I'm sorry Stewie ruined your books. Here, I brought you some of Peter's. |
| Brian Griffin | Mr. Tby Mr. T. |
| Brian Griffin | T and Me by George Peppard. |
| Brian Griffin | For the Last Time, I'm not Mr. T by Ving Rhames. |
| Brian Griffin | [Disgusted groaning] |
| Lois Griffin | Stewie, are you okay? |
| Stewie Griffin | Must we make small talk every time we pass? |
| Lois Griffin | You're burning up! Must be a reaction to the shots. |
| Lois Griffin | I'll go get you some baby aspirin. |
| Stewie Griffin | What are you talking about? The shots were supposed to make me healthy! |
| Brian Griffin | You believe Lois had them inject you with something to make you healthy? |
| Brian Griffin | I mean, you were already healthy, right? |
| Stewie Griffin | Oh, God! You're right! I was pink as a pistol! |
| Stewie Griffin | "Pink as a pistol!" Good Lord! I can't even form a cogent simile anymore! |
| Stewie Griffin | What was in those needles? |
| Brian Griffin | I've already said too much. |
| Stewie Griffin | I should have known! Her treachery knows no limits! |
| Stewie Griffin | Getting dizzy! Fight it, Stewie! |
| Stewie Griffin | "Do not go gentle into that good night," to quote Bob Dylan. |
| Stewie Griffin | No, no, Dylan Thomas. |
| Peter Griffin | Boys, I'm a miracle worker. I have used all my parenting skills to change my son from a lazy slacker into a working man. |
| Joe Swanson | Nice going, Peter. |
| Peter Griffin | Up yours, Joe. |
| Joe Swanson | What? |
| Peter Griffin | Thanks. Hey, Chris. |
| Chris Griffin | Hey, Dad! I'm working! I'm... |
| Peter Griffin | Careful, Chris, you don't get dental for 60 days. |
| Paddy Tanniger | Hey, you that Griffin boy's father? Paddy Tanniger, the caddie manager. |
| Paddy Tanniger | Yeah, it rhymes, big whoop. Wanna fight about it? |
| Paddy Tanniger | Listen, your son is the best ball shagger we ever had. |
| Paddy Tanniger | I sold twice as many buckets today because everybody wants to hit the fat kid. |
| Man | Lynn, cancel my afternoon meetings. I gotta hit more balls at this fat kid. |
| Joe Swanson | Peter, do you mind if Kevin and I... |
| Peter Griffin | Nail Chris? He'd be thrilled. |
| Man | Hey, this kid here just knocked a ball 300 yards! |
| [Applause] |
| Cleveland Jr. | I'm Tiger Woods! I'm Tiger Woods! |
| Peter Griffin | Cleveland, your kid's a natural. With a little help, he could be a pro. |
| Cleveland | Oh, Peter. I can't make Cleveland Jr. Sit still for anything. |
| Cleveland | Sometimes, I wonder if he's got the epilepsy but then I just go see what's on the TV. |
| Peter Griffin | Well, maybe you're not as good a father as me. |
| Peter Griffin | Look what I did with Chris! I'm even better than that dad on Lost in Space. |
| Prof. John Robinson | We need to gather more information about this new planet. |
| Prof. John Robinson | Don, you take my 16-year-old blonde daughter out in the chariot for the day. Penny, you stay here with me. |
| Prof. John Robinson | Will, you and the robot go out into the uncharted wilderness and take this mincing boy-hungry pedophile with you. |
| Cleveland | Cleveland Jr.'s beyond your skills. He won't respond to you. |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, yeah? Hey, come here, Cleveland Jr. |
| Peter Griffin | Come to Peter. |
| Cleveland | Over here, Junior. |
| Peter Griffin | Come on! Come on, Cleveland Jr. |
| Cleveland | Come to Daddy. Come on! |
| Peter Griffin | You'll see. I'm gonna turn this kid into the greatest golfer ever! |
| Cleveland | Fine! |
| Paddy Tanniger | How did you get him to come to you? |
| Peter Griffin | With this. |
| Paddy Tanniger | Love. |
| Peter Griffin | Jealousy. |
| Paddy Tanniger | Touch. |
| Peter Griffin | Forever. |
| Paddy Tanniger | Intense. |
| Peter Griffin | Passion. |
| Both | Obsession, Calvin Klein. |
| Lois Griffin | Drink this, honey. It'll bring your fever down. |
| Lois Griffin | I'm gonna go run you a cool bath. |
| Stewie Griffin | She's one of them! I'm sure of it! Now tell me what they injected me with! |
| Brian Griffin | You know Mr. T always wanted to be a Broadway dancer? |
| Stewie Griffin | Answer me, damn it! What have they done to me? |
| Brian Griffin | It could be any number of things. Gene manipulation, sterilization. |
| Stewie Griffin | They want my seed! |
| Brian Griffin | But from the look of your pupils, I'd say it's some kind of mind-control serum or not. |
| Stewie Griffin | Mind control? But I feel so lucid. |
| Stewie Griffin | Yes, you look spot on to me. |
| Stewie Griffin | Thank you. I try to work out. |
| Stewie Griffin | But who has the time, besides trophy wives? |
| Stewie Griffin | Oh, yes, that's rich. |
| [Suspenseful instrumental music] |
| Mr. T | Didn't want to be a mean guy. Wanted to be a dancer! |
| Stewie Griffin | Go away! |
| Mr. T | You! |
| Mr. T | I am taking your brain. You are now my slave. |
| Stewie Griffin | No! |
| Meg Griffin | Why is he freaking out like that? |
| Lois Griffin | He's having a little hallucination from the fever just like when you were 3 and you ate those adult brownies I was saving for the Doobie Brothers concert. |
| Cleveland Jr. | [Taunting laughter] |
| Cleveland Jr. | I'm gonna be on a cereal box. |
| Cleveland Jr. | "Honeycomb's big, yeah, yeah, yeah! It's not small, no, no, no!" |
| Peter Griffin | Now pay attention, Junior. You want to keep your shoulders straight and your knees bent, and just once, for me would you call me Mr. Drummond? |
| Paddy Tanniger | PADDY: Hey, Griffin, down here. Yeah, it's a secret tunnel like Hogan's Heroes. Big whoop. Want to fight about it? |
| Paddy Tanniger | Look, here's your first week's pay. |
| Cleveland | All right, Chris! |
| Chris Griffin | CHRIS: Dad! Dad, look! |
| Peter Griffin | That's great, Chris, but I'm trying to be a good father here. |
| Peter Griffin | I'm real proud of you, champ. Let's go get a milkshake. |
| Cleveland Jr. | You got it, Mr. Drummond. |
| [Doorbell rings] |
| Delivery Girl | Package for Glen Quagmire. |
| Quagmire | Excuse me. |
| Quagmire | I've got a package for you, too! All right! |
| Quagmire | Nice try, but I've built up an immunity. |
| Quagmire | Hey, what's wrong, kid? |
| Chris Griffin | My dad doesn't care about me anymore. |
| Quagmire | Well, hey, at least you have a dad. |
| Quagmire | When I was growing up, it was just me and my mom. |
| Quagmire | [Baby crying] |
| Mother | Looks like somebody's hungry. |
| Quagmire | All right! |
| Chris Griffin | I just wanted him to be proud of me. I even got a job. |
| Quagmire | There's your problem. Jobs are for suckers. |
| Quagmire | You just need to learn how to have a good time. Come on. |
| Quagmire | Go ahead, kid. Try it out. |
| Chris Griffin | Excuse me, you dropped something. |
| Chris Griffin | My jaw. |
| Chris Griffin | [Lecherous laughter] |
| Chris Griffin | All right! |
| Quagmire | Nice going. |
| Quagmire | [Screaming] |
| Quagmire | QUAGMIRE: All right! |
| Chris Griffin | CHRIS: All right! |
| [Applause] |
| Quagmire | [Deep sniffing] |
| Chris Griffin | I don't think I like feet as much as you do. |
| Quagmire | Hey, everybody likes feet! |
| Quagmire | Come on. The party's just starting. |
| [Beach party music] |
| All | "I'm gonna grab my girl and head to the beach! |
| All | "Hic-a-doo-la! |
| All | "We're gonna all hang ten and maybe then |
| All | "Hic-a-doo-la! |
| Boy | "Because I'm a hic-a-doo-la boy |
| Girl | "and I'm a hic-a-doo-la girl |
| All | "And together, it is a hic-a-doo-la world |
| All | "Hic-a-doo-la!" |
| Chris Griffin | CHRIS: Mr. Quagmire, what does "hic-a-doo-la" mean? |
| All | ALL: What does "hic-a-doo-la" mean? |
| Boy | It's that special feeling you get when you hold hands with your best gal. |
| Boy | It's catching the perfect wave! |
| Boy | It's cheering real loud for the home team! |
| Man | It's obeying all the rules! |
| All | No way! |
| All | [Laughing] |
| Quagmire | Hey, are we in Tiananmen, because I see a square. |
| All | "Hic-a-doo-la!" |
| Peter Griffin | Great shot, Cleveland Jr. |
| Cleveland Jr. | Thanks, Mr. Drummond. |
| Peter Griffin | Listen, for today, can you switch and call me Mr. Papadapolis? |
| Cleveland Jr. | You got it! |
| Peter Griffin | And would you hate me if I called you Webster? |
| Cleveland Jr. | That's the line! |
| Peter Griffin | Okay, sorry. |
| Tom Tucker | Hi, Tom Tucker, local news anchor, and on my days off an avid golf enthusiast. |
| Tom Tucker | The club's having a Man-Boy tournament. You two should enter. |
| Peter Griffin | A tournament? |
| Peter Griffin | That gives me an idea! Come on. I'll explain in the car! |
| Peter Griffin | This is the perfect way to show my friends what a great father figure I've been to Cleveland Jr. I'll do it! |
| [Funky music playing in club] |
| Chris Griffin | Where should we sit? |
| Quagmire | That's not up to me, kid. I follow the old divining rod. |
| Stripper | How old are you? |
| Chris Griffin | Old enough to know you're a whore. |
| Chris Griffin | [Delighted cheering] |
| Stripper | Come on. Talk to me, sweetie. You look a little down. |
| Chris Griffin | I always thought I'd go to my first nudie bar with my dad but he doesn't have time for me. |
| Stripper | Well, sweetie, part of growing up is learning that adults aren't perfect. |
| Stripper | Come on, your dad deserves another chance. |
| Chris Griffin | Wow! You are smart! |
| Quagmire | All right! Oh, no! No, it's not all right! I'm out of cash! |
| Quagmire | Hey, you take bankcards? |
| Stripper | Sure. |
| Quagmire | Can I get stamps, too? |
| Tom Tucker | We're here at the 17th hole, where Peter Griffin and Cleveland Jr are five strokes ahead, making victory all but a certainty. |
| Peter Griffin | I told you I could mold your son into a champion. |
| Peter Griffin | This is gonna be my greatest victory ever except for the time I defeated my evil twin. |
| Peter Griffin | Not me, Lois. Shoot him. I'm the real Peter. |
| Lois Griffin | I don't know. |
| Peter Griffin | Lois, look at me. You know your own husband, don't you? |
| Lois Griffin | [Gunshot] |
| Peter Griffin | Thank God. You made the right choice, honey. |
| Lois Griffin | What was that? |
| Peter Griffin | Nothing. |
| Peter Griffin | One more hole and that Man-Boy trophy is ours. |
| Peter Griffin | Here you go, little buddy. |
| Cleveland Jr. | Hey, look at me! I'm PelT! I'm PelT! |
| Cleveland Jr. | Goal! |
| Peter Griffin | Where the hell is he going? |
| Cleveland | He's gone. Maybe you better stick to looking after your own son. |
| Cleveland | [Laughing] |
| [Sentimental instrumental music] |
| [Glass breaking] |
| [Car alarm ringing] |
| [Distant scream] |
| Man | MAN 1: Oh, my God! MAN |
| Man 2 | 2: Is she dead? |
| Man | No, I think she's still... No, that did it. |
| [Sirens wailing] |
| [Theme music] |