| Lois Griffin | LOIS [Singing] "It seems today that all you see |
| Lois Griffin | "is violence in movies and sex on TV |
| Peter Griffin | "But where are those good, old-fashioned values |
| Peter Griffin | "on which we used to rely? |
| All | "Lucky there's a family guy |
| All | "Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you |
| All | "all the things that make us |
| Stewie Griffin | "laugh 'n' cry |
| All | "He's a family guy" |
| Brian Griffin | I'm in a rut. Nothing thrills me anymore. |
| Brian Griffin | I can't even think of a reason to get off the bed in the morning. |
| Dr. Kaplan | Really? |
| Brian Griffin | You want to know how pathetic my life is? |
| Brian Griffin | I've seen that Behind the Music with Leif Garrett 18 times. |
| Friend | Hey, Leif. It's been a while. |
| Leif | Too long, man. |
| Leif | LEIF: I'm so sorry about everything, man. I'm so... |
| Friend | FRIEND: You ready for a bombshell? You saved my life that night. |
| Leif | LEIF: But I was driving. |
| Friend | FRIEND: I was on a road to destruction, man. |
| Leif | The accident may have crippled me, but I'm alive, aren't I? |
| Leif | LEIF: Can we turn off the cameras, dude? |
| Brian Griffin | It's like I'm, I don't know, trapped in my own life. |
| Dr. Kaplan | Well, Brian, you may be too inwardly focused. |
| Dr. Kaplan | Try thinking about the needs of others for a change. |
| Dr. Kaplan | Why don't you do some volunteer work? |
| Brian Griffin | That makes sense. |
| Brian Griffin | Volunteer work. Thanks, Bruce. |
| Dr. Kaplan | You still have 13 more minutes. |
| Brian Griffin | Do I? |
| Brian Griffin | I notice you got a new receptionist. |
| Brian Griffin | Nice little body on her, huh? |
| Dr. Kaplan | That's my daughter. |
| Brian Griffin | Well, we could probably call this an early day, huh? |
| Mr. Weed | Attention, everyone. |
| Mr. Weed | Due to several complaints and two deaths related to worker fatigue I have decided to throw a company picnic this Saturday. |
| Peter Griffin | Derek, how are you getting to the picnic? |
| Derek | I don't know. I don't have a ride. |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, John, you got a two-seater, don't you? |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, Derek, maybe you go with John? |
| Derek | For the last time, I'm not gay! |
| John | Thanks anyway, Peter. |
| Peter Griffin | We'll get him. |
| Brian Griffin | BRIAN: Here. Right this way. |
| Brian Griffin | Watch your step. |
| Brian Griffin | Okay, they're in the woods. |
| Brian Griffin | The camera keeps on moving. |
| Brian Griffin | I think they're looking for some witch. I don't know. I wasn't listening. |
| Brian Griffin | Nothing's happening. |
| Brian Griffin | Nothing's happening. |
| Brian Griffin | Something about a map. |
| Brian Griffin | Nothing's happening. |
| Brian Griffin | It's over. |
| Brian Griffin | A lot of people in the audience look pissed. |
| Meg Griffin | Now, remember, Chris we have to work together, so that our steps... |
| Meg Griffin | [Meg screams] |
| Peter Griffin | This is my favorite event, "Catch the Greased Up Deaf Guy." |
| Mr. Weed | Go! |
| Deaf Guy | You're never gonna catch me! |
| Deaf Guy | You're wasting your time! |
| Deaf Guy | Forget about it! Go do something else! |
| Deaf Guy | See you all next year! |
| Brian Griffin | King me. |
| Elderly Woman | I don't want to play anymore. |
| Elderly Woman | The pain. |
| Elderly Woman | I can't live like this, Brian. |
| Elderly Woman | I need you to pull the plug. |
| Brian Griffin | I can't. |
| Elderly Woman | Be my angel and set me free. Please? |
| Elderly Woman | My God! You were really gonna do it! |
| Elderly Woman | Nurse, this dog is trying to kill me! Nurse! |
| Brian Griffin | You are twisted, lady! You hear me? You are screwed up in the head! |
| Mr. Weed | The winner of our final contest will receive a very special prize. |
| Mr. Weed | A week's paid vacation! |
| Peter Griffin | Did you hear that? Please, let it be farting. Please let it be a fart contest. |
| Mr. Weed | These are tranquilizer darts. |
| Mr. Weed | I have enough here to take down Robert Downey Jr. |
| Mr. Weed | Robert Downey. Yes, well, the last one left standing wins. |
| Mr. Weed | Let the game begin! |
| Chris Griffin | All right, Dad! |
| Lois Griffin | Go, Peter! |
| Stewie Griffin | Look at him! He runs like a Welshman. |
| Stewie Griffin | Doesn't he? |
| Stewie Griffin | Doesn't he run like a Welshman? |
| Joe Swanson | JOE: Hey there, Brian. |
| Brian Griffin | BRIAN: Hi, Joe. |
| Brian Griffin | Hey, Bonnie making Chicken Marsala tonight? |
| Joe Swanson | No. She made that three nights ago. |
| Joe Swanson | Wow, that's some nose you got! |
| Brian Griffin | Yeah. One time it almost got me a spokesman deal. |
| Chris Griffin | "Follow your nose." |
| Brian Griffin | I'm sorry. No, that was good. |
| Brian Griffin | I just didn't think you were gonna go so cartoony with it. |
| Toucan Sam | How would you read it? |
| Brian Griffin | I don't know. I was thinking of doing it, you know, good, like an actor. |
| Brian Griffin | But, you know, your way's good, too. |
| Joe Swanson | You know, we could use a nose like that down at the precinct. |
| Brian Griffin | Really? |
| Johnson | I guess it's just down to you and me, Peter. |
| Johnson | One of us is gonna win that paid vacation. |
| Peter Griffin | I don't want to feed Grandma bacon while she's in the bathtub. |
| Johnson | Peter, are you okay? |
| [Engine revving] |
| Johnson | Mr. Weed, I think Peter needs a... |
| Mr. Weed | We have a winner! |
| Peter Griffin | Here, kitty, kitty. |
| Brian Griffin | BRIAN: No drugs. She's good. He's clean. |
| Joe Swanson | It looks like that's it, except for the flight crew. |
| Quagmire | Hey, Brian. What's with the Johnny Law routine? |
| Joe Swanson | Say hello to our newest narc. He's a natural. |
| Quagmire | Yeah? How good are you? |
| Brian Griffin | You're back from Manila. You had lumpia for dinner. |
| Brian Griffin | Then you made love to two Filipino women and a man. |
| Quagmire | You mean three Filipino women! |
| Quagmire | No! |
| Brian Griffin | Wait a second. Got something. |
| Joe Swanson | This could be the real deal, boys! Let's do it! |
| Joe Swanson | Don't move, dirt bag! |
| Brian Griffin | It's coke! Yes! All right, we've got him! |
| Brian Griffin | This is great. This is the rush I've been looking for. |
| Joe Swanson | Good work, Brian. |
| Joe Swanson | You still got a little... |
| Brian Griffin | Thanks. |
| Lois Griffin | Where shall we go for your week off? |
| Peter Griffin | I was thinking we could all go to purgatory, like we did last year. |
| Lois Griffin | This isn't bad. It's not that good. But it's not that bad. |
| Brian Griffin | BRIAN: It's so-so. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: More or less. |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, Brian. If cops are pigs, does that make you a Snausage? |
| Brian Griffin | Clever. Did you stay up all night writing that? |
| Peter Griffin | I got to bed around 2:00, 2:30. |
| Brian Griffin | Do you know what the street value of that cocaine would've been? |
| Lois Griffin | Let's see. Four and a half kilos uncut Nicaraguan. |
| Lois Griffin | $1.7 million, that area? |
| Brian Griffin | Yeah. |
| Brian Griffin | That's right. |
| Meg Griffin | You guys! Brian's famous! |
| Meg Griffin | You're a hero! |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Way to go, pal! |
| Brian Griffin | Come on. Stop it. It's nothing, really. |
| Brian Griffin | Lois. Your toast is ready. |
| Lois Griffin | Oh, my. |
| Brian Griffin | Meg's using a new conditioner. |
| Meg Griffin | He's right! |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: How do you like that? |
| Meg Griffin | MEG: That's amazing. |
| Brian Griffin | And it's time to change Stewie. |
| Stewie Griffin | That's preposterous. I haven't... There it is. |
| Brian Griffin | All right. |
| Brian Griffin | Stop the car! |
| Brian Griffin | Over there. |
| Joe Swanson | Everybody freeze! This is a bust! |
| Brian Griffin | Brian, this is a Sunday School class. |
| Brian Griffin | The hell it is! |
| Brian Griffin | Pure Bogot |
| Joe Swanson | But these are just kids. |
| Brian Griffin | Yeah? What's your name? |
| Ricky | Ricky. |
| Brian Griffin | They're not kids. They're midgets! |
| Brian Griffin | Filthy, drug-peddling midgets! |
| Joe Swanson | JOE: My God! |
| Joe Swanson | JOE: Look out, Brian! |
| [Dramatic instrumental music] |
| Joe Swanson | Nice work, rookie. |
| Cop | You're a credit to the force. |
| Cop 2 | Additional generic cop compliment, Brian. |
| Brian Griffin | Thanks. But the real hero here is God for blessing me with this nose and a few other equally amazing appendages. |
| Joe Swanson | I better take this cocaine down to Evidence. |
| Brian Griffin | I'll do that. I'll catch up with you guys at the pub. |
| Peter Griffin | So it's settled. We're taking a cruise to the Bahamas! |
| Lois Griffin | This is gonna be great. Cruises are the best. |
| Lois Griffin | And look. It says we have our choice of cabins, port or starboard. |
| Lois Griffin | Listen to me. I sound like an old salt. |
| Stewie Griffin | [Stewie laughs sarcastically] |
| Stewie Griffin | Though I must say, I've always dreamed of a life at sea. |
| [Comic operetta music] |
| Stewie Griffin | [Singing] "I'm the greatest captain of the Queen's navy" |
| Sailors | "And your record will stand as proof" |
| Stewie Griffin | "Be it galley or a freighter, I'm an expert navigator" |
| Sailors | "And you're also a world-class poof" |
| Stewie Griffin | "My manner, quite effete, is mistaken on the street |
| Stewie Griffin | "For a sailor who can pirouette on cue |
| Stewie Griffin | "Despite your point of view, I can thrill a girl or two |
| Sailors | "But I'd rather get it on with you" |
| Brian Griffin | BRIAN: Sorry to be tardy to the party. |
| Meg Griffin | Wow, Brian. Have you lost weight? You gotta tell me your secret. |
| Brian Griffin | Here's a hint, put down the fork! Face! |
| Lois Griffin | So how was your day? |
| Brian Griffin | My day? Un-freakin'-believable! |
| Brian Griffin | We nailed this bastard who hid his stuff in his daughter's doll! |
| Brian Griffin | Her doll, for God's sake! |
| Brian Griffin | Where's the line anymore? I got news for you. |
| Brian Griffin | It's not even on the radar screen! |
| Brian Griffin | The days of decency and virtue are gone, honey! Bam! |
| Brian Griffin | Freakin' evaporated, like a dingy, stinkin' mud puddle. |
| Brian Griffin | One day you see your reflection in it and the next day, it's a damn oil spot on your cracked driveway, staring back at you, mocking you knowing the perverted truth that rots in your soul. |
| Brian Griffin | That's how my freakin' day was. |
| Peter Griffin | You know what I haven't had in a while? Big League Chew. |
| Brian Griffin | So take it from me, McGriffin, the Drug Dog if you really want to get high, it's as easy as being yourself. |
| Brian Griffin | Well, kids, I'm gonna pass things off now to Gerald, the Happy and Abstinent Police Clown. |
| Gerald | Hey, kids! Do you know why I'm happy? |
| Gerald | Because I'm free of S T Ds! |
| Kid | KID 1: That McGriffin guy was so cool! |
| Kid 2 | KID 2: Totally! I'm never doing drugs now! |
| Brian Griffin | Got milk? |
| Brian Griffin | [Manic laughter] |
| Peter Griffin | Chris, before you go on a cruise, you gotta build up a base tan. |
| Chris Griffin | Dad, I heard that if you use tanning beds, you can get something called "melanoma." |
| Peter Griffin | That's just fancy talk for "sexified." Now climb in. |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, what kind of tanning booth is this? |
| Man | Can't you read? Those aren't tanning booths. |
| Man | That whole row is time machines! |
| Peter Griffin | Crap! Where the hell is he? |
| Chris Griffin | CHRIS: Hey, Dad, I'm in the Bible days. |
| Chris Griffin | And there's a whole stadium of people clapping for me. |
| Chris Griffin | Look. My very own lion! |
| Peter Griffin | My God! |
| Peter Griffin | Must've got the wrong hat. |
| Rocky | And now, here's something we hope you'll really like. |
| [Crime show instrumental music] |
| Joe Swanson | Brian, there's no smoking in the terminal. |
| Brian Griffin | Hey, there's worse things than nicotine, pal! |
| Brian Griffin | I'm gonna find 'em. |
| Horowicz | Patience, lad. |
| Horowicz | It took dear St. Patrick more than a day to clear the Emerald Isle of snakes. |
| Brian Griffin | Can the Irish crap, will you, Horowicz? |
| Horowicz | Okay. |
| Brian Griffin | Open it! |
| Man | Let me go! Help! |
| Brian Griffin | All right. Where's the stash? I'll do a freakin' body-cavity search! |
| Joe Swanson | Sir, we apologize. |
| Joe Swanson | There's no easy way to say this. I think you have a drug problem. |
| Brian Griffin | A drug problem? What's this really about? Jealousy? |
| Brian Griffin | Am I stealing your thunder, Joe? |
| Joe Swanson | Give me your badge. |
| Brian Griffin | Fine! |
| Brian Griffin | By the way, Horowicz, you should show Joe your impression of him. |
| Horowicz | Well, it's not as good as, you know, my Irish cop. |
| Horowicz | It's just a little thing I... |
| Horowicz | "Look at me! I'm Joe! |
| Horowicz | "My legs don't work but I make up for it by having a very strong upper body!" |
| Joe Swanson | Well, I do say that. |
| Lois Griffin | The Old Man and the Sea. |
| Lois Griffin | I see you're getting in the mood for our cruise. |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah. Stupid fisherman. |
| Peter Griffin | Sitting out there in a boat yammering to himself. |
| Peter Griffin | He doesn't even know I'm watching him. |
| Stewie Griffin | Splendid. Fido McCoke-Fiend is home. |
| Brian Griffin | Everybody, this is Tina. |
| Lois Griffin | What happened to you? |
| Brian Griffin | How about a little less questions, and a little more shut up? |
| Stewie Griffin | Just because you can't feel your teeth, doesn't mean the girl can't feel insults. |
| Lois Griffin | Hello, I'm Lois Griffin. Welcome to our home. |
| Tina | So, what? She's like your mom or something? |
| Lois Griffin | Tina, can I get you a warm washcloth to wipe the dried blood from under your nose? |
| Brian Griffin | I'll show you the channel Lois doesn't know about. |
| Lois Griffin | Brian! Chris, look away! Meg, take Stewie upstairs! |
| Stewie Griffin | Wait! That man seems to have suffered a rather serious snakebite! |
| Lois Griffin | Brian, would you please ask your new friend to leave now? |
| Brian Griffin | Sorry. Things getting a little too real for the Stepford wife? |
| Brian Griffin | And look at you two. Quasimodo and Lumpy. |
| Brian Griffin | I leave more personality in tightly coiled piles on the lawn. |
| Stewie Griffin | Do me! Do me next! |
| Brian Griffin | Come on, baby girl. Let's go to the park. |
| Brian Griffin | Doc. What the hell are you doing here? |
| Dr. Kaplan | Your family has something they'd like to say to you. |
| Meg Griffin | "Brian, I know I don't speak up much and... |
| Meg Griffin | "...it's really hard for me to talk about my feelings, but..." |
| Dr. Kaplan | Why don't we start with someone more interesting? Peter? |
| Peter Griffin | "Brian, ever since your addiction, you've been a jerk. |
| Peter Griffin | "I miss the good old days when you were my sidekick." |
| Peter Griffin | So she hated my tie until I told her it was made out of 100 percent Buttafuoco fiber. |
| [Studio audience laughing] |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, Brian. How about a little tie music? |
| Brian Griffin | [Singing] "Peter's tie, Peter's tie |
| Brian Griffin | "That's because Peter's the guy" |
| Peter Griffin | All right. That's it. A little tie music. |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah! |
| Brian Griffin | Look, you guys got it all wrong. |
| Brian Griffin | I'm so sorry, everyone! |
| Brian Griffin | God. I need help! |
| Stewie Griffin | Well, I guess now we know what kind of dog he is. |
| Stewie Griffin | A melan-collie. |
| Stewie Griffin | Nothing? |
| Stewie Griffin | Wait. No. I should've said: |
| Stewie Griffin | "Chi-wah-wah." |
| Stewie Griffin | I don't have to... impress you. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Look, I'm not insensitive, Lois. |
| Peter Griffin | I don't see why we gotta cancel our cruise just because the dog's a cokehead. |
| Lois Griffin | We're not going on vacation while Brian's in rehab. |
| Lois Griffin | We'll just have to wait 'till next year. |
| Peter Griffin | Man! |
| Brian Griffin | I'll make it up to you. I have a cousin who works at Club Med. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Holy crap! Look at this place. |
| Peter Griffin | This is where God would come if he had to stop doing blow. |
| Peter Griffin | They have tennis courts! |
| Peter Griffin | And a full spa! |
| Peter Griffin | Wow! No wonder people do drugs! |
| Lois Griffin | Good luck, Brian. I just know you're gonna get clean. |
| Peter Griffin | Heck. Shouldn't be too hard to get clean with all these mineral baths and Jacuzzis. |
| Stewie Griffin | I see. The fat man makes a pun, and everyone wets themselves. |
| Stewie Griffin | I give you gold, and I get squat. |
| Stewie Griffin | I'll be in the car. |
| Doctor | That was a very productive first day, Brian. |
| Doctor | Our goal here is to find your X-factor the element in your life that made you turn to drugs. |
| Brian Griffin | Well, just having some time away to sort things out is gonna do wonders. |
| Brian Griffin | Thanks, Doctor. |
| Brian Griffin | What are you doing here? |
| Peter Griffin | I'm on vacation! |
| Peter Griffin | And if anyone asks, I'm also on smack. |
| Brian Griffin | Peter, this is a detox clinic. You can't vacation here. |
| Peter Griffin | Why not? This place is way better than a cruise. |
| Peter Griffin | You should've seen it. |
| Peter Griffin | I whipped a speed freak's ass at horseshoes today. |
| Brian Griffin | This isn't a vacation for me. I'm trying to get healthy! |
| Peter Griffin | Okay. All right. |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, softball this afternoon. |
| Peter Griffin | A bunch of us addicts are taking on the pregnant teenagers from across the lake. |
| Woman | Okay, come on, everyone. Exercise is an important part of recovery. |
| Woman | Just work with the resistance of the water. Ten more reps. |
| Woman | Okay, and one, and two, and three... |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah! I'm also addicted to boobies! |
| Peter Griffin | I'll trade you this for your cupcake. |
| Peter Griffin | What? It was just Carpet Fresh. I'm on your side. |
| Doctor | I've been observing your behavior, and I don't think you're a addict. |
| Doctor | I think you're an idiot. |
| Peter Griffin | Well, I don't pay you to think, Hot Lips. In fact, I don't pay you at all. |
| Peter Griffin | Count it! |
| Doctor | I'll be keeping my eye on you. |
| Doctor | What's your name? |
| Peter Griffin | My name? |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: "Pea..." |
| Peter Griffin | "...tear..." |
| Peter Griffin | "...Griffin." |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah, "Peter Griffin." |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, crap. |
| Brian Griffin | PETER: Brian, I was looking for you. |
| Peter Griffin | You want to go mess with the pregnant teens across the lake? |
| Brian Griffin | I can't. Group therapy, 2:00. |
| Peter Griffin | Man, I peeked in on one of those. |
| Peter Griffin | It was more boring than when I was a security guard for George Harrison. |
| [Music from Charles in Charge] |
| Peter Griffin | Hey! Quiet down, up there! |
| Peter Griffin | You wacky Beatle. |
| Brian Griffin | I have been making a lot of progress lately. |
| Brian Griffin | Missing a session wouldn't be the end of the world. |
| Peter Griffin | There you go! |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: What do you think they put in the bug juice? |
| Brian Griffin | BRIAN: Bugs. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: No, they don't! |
| Peter Griffin | Come on! |
| Peter Griffin | Shut up! |
| [Women screaming in labor] |
| [Babies crying] |
| Doctor | Well, I hope you're proud of yourselves. 14 premature births! |
| Brian Griffin | Sorry, Doc. I don't usually let Peter talk me into this kind of stuff. |
| Peter Griffin | Wait a minute. You have a pre-existing relationship with this degenerate? |
| Peter Griffin | A degenerate, am I? Well, you are a fastizio. |
| Peter Griffin | See? |
| Peter Griffin | I can make up words, too, sister. |
| Doctor | Well, I think we found your X-factor. |
| Brian Griffin | What? Do you mean Peter? |
| Doctor | His behavior is a negative influence. |
| Doctor | With your intelligence and sensitivity, obviously... |
| Brian Griffin | Whoa, hey! I made my own mistakes, all right? |
| Brian Griffin | This man took me into his home, and he treated me like family. |
| Brian Griffin | He's my best friend. |
| Doctor | Yes. And look where you've ended up. |
| Brian Griffin | You know what? I think my therapy here is complete. |
| Brian Griffin | I came here to get clean, and I did. So good-bye. |
| Peter Griffin | Brian, it's moments like this that make me sad you're gonna die 50 years before I do. |
| Lois Griffin | [Singing] "He was all coked up, and we were choked up |
| Lois Griffin | "But now we're happy Brian's home, Cha-cha-cha!" |
| Joe Swanson | I am serious, Lois. You could be in show business! |
| Quagmire | Hey, Meg. 18 yet? |
| Meg Griffin | No. |
| Quagmire | Chris, how are you? |
| Chris Griffin | Well, I'm glad l... |
| Quagmire | All right! |
| Joe Swanson | Brian, I feel a little guilty. |
| Joe Swanson | If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't have been exposed to that junk. |
| Brian Griffin | Joe, if I've learned anything from my experience it's that we're all responsible for our own destiny. |
| Brian Griffin | That's why I'm leaving. |
| Lois Griffin | Leaving? |
| Peter Griffin | You can't leave. |
| Brian Griffin | I have to, Peter. For me. |
| Brian Griffin | I love you all. |
| Lois Griffin | Somebody say something. |
| Stewie Griffin | Brian, wait! |
| Brian Griffin | Hold on a second. |
| Brian Griffin | Airport, please. |
| [Theme music] |