| Lois Griffin | [Singing] "It seems today that all you see |
| Lois Griffin | "is violence in movies and sex on TV |
| Peter Griffin | "But where are those good, old-fashioned values |
| Peter Griffin | "on which we used to rely? |
| All | "Lucky there's a family guy |
| All | "Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you |
| All | "all the things that make us |
| Stewie Griffin | "laugh 'n' cry |
| All | "He's a family guy" |
| [Cheerful instrumental music] |
| Peter Griffin | Baby! Twelve in a row! |
| Peter Griffin | You must've had a great body before it went all funhouse mirror on you. |
| Lois Griffin | I can't believe how terrific you look. |
| Bonnie Swanson | Thanks. |
| Bonnie Swanson | I've been taking tae-jitsu classes. You should come with me sometime. |
| Lois Griffin | I'd love to. |
| Bonnie Swanson | The baby's kicking. Want to feel? |
| Peter Griffin | Sure. |
| Peter Griffin | You are freakin' dead, kid! |
| Lois Griffin | Peter! |
| Meg Griffin | MEG: I love this time of year. |
| Brian Griffin | BRIAN: Me, too. |
| Brian Griffin | The tourists are gone. We finally have the town to ourselves before those idiots from New York come to watch the leaves change and take over. |
| [Cars honking] |
| Brian Griffin | Leafers! |
| Peter Griffin | Holy crap! We gotta get outta here! |
| [Dramatic instrumental music] |
| Bonnie Swanson | BONNIE: What about the boat? |
| Joe Swanson | JOE: Leave it! |
| Lois Griffin | Hurry, Peter! They're almost here! |
| Peter Griffin | We're too late! |
| Man | Yo, Matty. Check out those colors. |
| Matty | Yellow like a taxi, orange like the ball at the Knicks game and red like the sauce on my Mamma Mia's cu cazz. |
| Man | Yeah, and brown like the guys I don't pick up in my cab. |
| Matty | Beautiful! |
| Diane Simmons | Good evening. Tonight's top story. |
| Diane Simmons | Quahog is infested with loud, hairy creatures, also known as "New Yorkers." |
| Tom Tucker | They migrate north every autumn to see the foliage. |
| Tom Tucker | I say, for all of us, New York and everyone from there can fornicate themselves with an iron stick. |
| [Horns honking] |
| Peter Griffin | We're gonna be late for church. |
| Peter Griffin | Move it! Damn leafers. |
| Meg Griffin | Chris, quit it! Mom, Chris put his foot on my side again! |
| Chris Griffin | I can't help it. I have long dancer's legs. |
| Meg Griffin | Move it! |
| Stewie Griffin | Meg, stop whining! Chris, stay on your side! |
| Stewie Griffin | Lois, get off your ass and do some parenting! |
| Lois Griffin | If you kids don't knock it off, we're not going to McDonald's. |
| Both | Mom! |
| Peter Griffin | Don't worry, we're going. |
| Peter Griffin | But you don't get the supersize. |
| Peter Griffin | Okay, you can supersize, but no apple pie. |
| Meg Griffin | Come on! |
| Peter Griffin | Okay, you get an apple pie, but you can't blow on it. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, don't contradict me in front of the kids! |
| Peter Griffin | Siblings fighting is as natural as white man's dialogue in a Spike Lee movie. |
| Black Man | Wassup? Can I get two slices of pepperoni? |
| White Man | [Incoherent growling] |
| Lois Griffin | Who are all these people? |
| Peter Griffin | Damn New Yorkers! They took all the good seats. |
| Elderly Woman | Aren't you precious? |
| Elderly Woman | [Screams] |
| Stewie Griffin | Some of my novelty items were provided by Jack's Joke Shop of South Attleboro. |
| Stewie Griffin | Remember, "If it ain't funny, it ain't worth jack." |
| Priest | I'd like to welcome all our out-of-town parishioners. |
| Priest | My cousin, Father Sapienza, is in from New York to see the leaves. |
| Priest | And I'd like to invite him to do the opening prayer. |
| Father Sapienza | Yo! God is good, eh? And he expects us to be good. |
| Father Sapienza | And if you're not, he's gonna come down and bust your freaking skull. Amen. |
| Man | Who do you think you're talking to? Your God ain't tougher than me! |
| Man 2 | You can't talk to the Father like that, you stupid cafone! |
| Man 2 | I oughta come there and break your freakin' arm! |
| Man | You wanna go, tough guy? |
| Man | I'll snap you in half like an almond biscotti from Valero's on 51st Street. |
| Man | Best in the city! |
| Peter Griffin | Fellas, this is God's house, and the Patriots kick off in 45 minutes. |
| Peter Griffin | Can we move this along? |
| Man | Patriots suck! |
| Peter Griffin | Blasphemy! |
| Man | It burns! |
| Scientist | Holy water? |
| Scientist | Where's that acid I ordered? |
| Stewie Griffin | Hey, Guido, watch this. |
| Stewie Griffin | I've got to lay off the coffee! |
| Stewie Griffin | That's Jack's, Exit 14 off 295. |
| Tae-jitsu Trainer | Tae-jitsu is about power for your body and your mind. |
| Tae-jitsu Trainer | Don't be afraid to free the beast inside you. |
| Tae-jitsu Trainer | Left kick, right kick, punch combo, stomp! |
| Tae-jitsu Trainer | Beautiful. Again. Left kick. |
| Tae-jitsu Trainer | You're doing great for your first lesson. |
| Lois Griffin | I'm really cutting loose. |
| Lois Griffin | Just like Julie Andrews in that movie where she showed her breasts. |
| Boy | Mary. You'll never leave us, will you? |
| Boy | Yes, those are lovely. But it doesn't answer our question. |
| [Crowd cheering on TV] |
| Man | Jets rule! |
| Man | Watch where you're going, will you? |
| Peter Griffin | Horace, put the Pats game on the TV, and get me a few beers, huh? |
| Horace | Sorry, Peter. Someone stole the remotes and the kegs. |
| Horace | And I'm not sure, but I think I've been shot. |
| Man | Hey, pal, watch my seat. I gotta bleed the lizard. |
| Cleveland | Public urination is just wrong. |
| Cleveland | Except during the Million Man March when protesters burned our Porta-Potties. |
| Cleveland | Then I used my stream of justice to put out the hate. |
| Quagmire | I don't know, fellas, I think there's potential in this crowd. |
| Quagmire | Honey, why don't you turn around and show me the Lower East Side? |
| Transvestite | Sure. |
| Quagmire | Transvestite! Back off! |
| Quagmire | Wait a second. Pre-op or post-op? |
| Transvestite | Pre-op. |
| Quagmire | Transvestite! Back off! |
| Quagmire | You're right. This place blows. |
| Quagmire | We gotta send these strap hangers back. |
| Peter Griffin | Don't worry. I got an idea. |
| Peter Griffin | An idea so smart my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about. |
| Peter Griffin | [Angry growl] |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: I am a man-eating tree. Go back to New York, or I will eat you. |
| Peter Griffin | Just like I ate insane New York anchorman Dan Rather. |
| Peter Griffin | And look who I had for dessert. Asexual former mayor Ed Koch. |
| Peter Griffin | Leave my land, or I will smite you with my powerful limb. |
| Man | What are you, nuts? Gimme that branch. Get off of me! |
| Man | Why you... |
| Lois Griffin | Oh, my God! Stop fighting! |
| Peter Griffin | Holy crap! |
| Lois Griffin | My God! |
| Chris Griffin | Mom, you could be a world champion, and no one could hit you below the belt because girls don't have anything down there. Can you teach me to kick ass? |
| Lois Griffin | No. I do not condone violence. |
| Lois Griffin | I am not gonna be responsible for bringing fist fighting into our schools. |
| Peter Griffin | Gee, Lois. Can you hear me all the way back there in the '50s? |
| Brian Griffin | That was lame. |
| Lois Griffin | Poor Peter. I emasculated him in front of all those people. |
| Lois Griffin | I think he's really upset. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Gather around, everybody. $10 is all it takes! |
| Peter Griffin | Step right up and fight my wife! |
| Peter Griffin | Come one, come all. |
| Peter Griffin | She floats like a butterfly and stings like when I pee. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, I am not a sideshow attraction, at least not anymore. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, I am not a sideshow attraction, at least not anymore. |
| Lois Griffin | Me likey bouncy. Me likey bouncy. |
| Lois Griffin | I want you to get rid of all this right now because I am never fighting again. Ever! |
| Peter Griffin | Come on, Chris. We'll have to go to Plan B. |
| Chris Griffin | No! My God! |
| Chris Griffin | Help me, for God's sake! |
| Chris Griffin | He's gonna kill me! Help! |
| Peter Griffin | Don't worry. It's a trained bear. He's in no real danger. |
| Lois Griffin | He's teaching a class. I can't bother him now. |
| Peter Griffin | Sure you can. Hey, Ralph Macchio! My wife here needs to talk to you. |
| Peter Griffin | There you go, honey. |
| Tae-jitsu Trainer | What is it, Lois? |
| Lois Griffin | I don't think I should do tae-jitsu anymore. |
| Lois Griffin | I'm afraid I'm gonna hurt someone. |
| Tae-jitsu Trainer | But, Lois, you're my star pupil. I want you in my advanced class. |
| Lois Griffin | Advanced class? No. I'm trying to quit. |
| Tae-jitsu Trainer | Fine, quit. But get used to people walking all over you. |
| Peter Griffin | Wait, hold on there. Nobody walks all over my wife, because I won't let them. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter... |
| Peter Griffin | Quiet. Men are talking. |
| Peter Griffin | She learns things eventually. It just takes longer. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Come on, we're outta here. |
| Peter Griffin | If you hurry, I'll let you try on hats. I won't let you buy, but you can try 'em on. |
| Lois Griffin | I'll do it. |
| [Inspiring instrumental music] |
| [Sobbing] |
| Lois Griffin | Stewie, you want to swing? |
| Stewie Griffin | Yes. Why not? I'll have a go at it. Perhaps a quick stretch first. |
| Stewie Griffin | Damn! |
| Stewie Griffin | Must've pulled something playing hoops last week. |
| Stewie Griffin | I know you're not putting that rock up from here. You ain't got no J. |
| Stewie Griffin | Yo, man! That's trippin'! |
| Stewie Griffin | Brother, please! |
| Stewie Griffin | You're the one who's trippin'! Go on, cry home to your mama! She waitin'. |
| Stewie Griffin | Now don't make me put my size 13s up your narrow ass! |
| Stewie Griffin | I don't sweat you! You bring it on, bitch! Now, how you gonna act? |
| Stewie Griffin | Bring that trash in here! This is my house! |
| Lois Griffin | Excuse me. We were about to use that. |
| Woman | You snooze, you lose, lady. |
| Lois Griffin | You have two choices. |
| Lois Griffin | Either my baby swings from this jungle gym, or you do. |
| Stewie Griffin | Lois! Someone's wearing their ovaries on the outside! |
| Lois Griffin | She saw me walking to the swing! |
| Stewie Griffin | Yes, she did. Easy now. |
| Lois Griffin | Nobody walks all over me! Those days are over! |
| Lois Griffin | Lois Griffin demands respect! |
| Stewie Griffin | [Screams] |
| Stewie Griffin | I smell a messy diaper. |
| Stewie Griffin | God! Why does that turn me on? |
| Chris Griffin | Hold it, Meg. Those two are mine. |
| Meg Griffin | What? |
| Chris Griffin | That's Randy and that's Fred. |
| Chris Griffin | Randy is the messy one. Fred's very neat. |
| Chris Griffin | When you get them together, hold onto your sides. |
| Meg Griffin | Nice to meet you both. |
| Chris Griffin | Murderer! |
| Lois Griffin | Stop it, both of you! Starting now, you two are gonna love each other! |
| Lois Griffin | Now stay that way. |
| Chris Griffin | It's gonna be weird to potty. |
| Peter Griffin | Look at the garbage those damn leafers dumped on our lawn. |
| Peter Griffin | New York Post, New York Magazine, the New York Mets. |
| Peter Griffin | Peter, I'm sick and tired of hearing you whine about the leafers! |
| Lois Griffin | Take some action! |
| Lois Griffin | Free the beast! |
| Quagmire | That was strangely arousing. |
| Quagmire | [Grunts] |
| Quagmire | Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. |
| Quagmire | Yeah. It's in a window this time. |
| Brian Griffin | Wow, look at them run. |
| Peter Griffin | Wait a second, Brian. That gives me an idea. |
| Lois Griffin | The Drunken Clam? |
| Lois Griffin | Why couldn't we go someplace fancy like The Olive Garden? |
| Lois Griffin | The breadsticks. Me likey breadsticks! |
| Lois Griffin | You're a big girl now. Stop it! |
| Peter Griffin | Hold on, Lois. |
| Peter Griffin | Excuse me, New Yorker. |
| Peter Griffin | I think you're in my seat, and I had sex with your mother last night. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, are you crazy? |
| Man | What did you say? |
| Peter Griffin | About the seat, or about my plowing your father's wife? |
| Lois Griffin | What the hell are you doing? |
| Peter Griffin | Excuse me. Is your refrigerator running? |
| Peter Griffin | Because if it is, it probably runs like you. |
| Peter Griffin | Very homosexually. |
| Man | What? |
| Lois Griffin | You wanna dance? |
| Peter Griffin | Jets suck! Yankees suck! Knicks suck! |
| Peter Griffin | Krypton sucks! |
| Peter Griffin | That's right. Go back where you came from, you bastards. |
| Tae-jitsu Trainer | We'll conclude today's graduation with a demonstration by the black belts. |
| Tae-jitsu Trainer | Let's show them what we've learned. |
| Tae-jitsu Trainer | Kathy, get in there with Lois. |
| Kathy | I can't. I have cramps. |
| Lois Griffin | Why are you putting me up against the scrubs? |
| Lois Griffin | Why don't you be a man and fight me yourself? |
| Tae-jitsu Trainer | Lois, the sensei is a sacred position. |
| Lois Griffin | I could never violate the spiritual bond of the student-master relationship. |
| Lois Griffin | Then allow me. |
| Tae-jitsu Trainer | The bond is broken! |
| Lois Griffin | Then spin the wheel, Raggedy Man! |
| Stewie Griffin | Go, Lois! Pummel him with your powerful fists of female fury! |
| Stewie Griffin | And then when he's weary, emasculate him with your incessant nagging! |
| Stewie Griffin | Women! |
| Stewie Griffin | Yakety, yak, yak, yak. |
| Stewie Griffin | You know. Enjoy the fight. |
| [Martial arts fight music] |
| Lois Griffin | [Cry of victory] |
| Peter Griffin | Lois, that was amazing! Congratulations... |
| Lois Griffin | This is mine! |
| Lois Griffin | This is where my babies come from! |
| Announcer | ANNOUNCER: Now back to the Movie of the Week, Speed 3 - Glacier of Doom. |
| Man | If this glacier goes slower than one mile a year, we're all dead! |
| Woman | Tell me something I don't know! |
| Woman | Get out of the way! |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Lois, I was watching that. |
| Peter Griffin | What you looking at? |
| Lois Griffin | The underpants, lose them! |
| Peter Griffin | Actually, I sort of have a headache, kinda. |
| Peter Griffin | See, maybe tomorrow, or... |
| Lois Griffin | Take 'em off! |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah. Okay, honey. |
| Stewie Griffin | What the hell are you doing? Those are my graham crackers! |
| Peter Griffin | Run along, Stewie. Daddy had a rough night. |
| Stewie Griffin | Why you tottering, femme-sucked dewberry. |
| Stewie Griffin | I'm going to go find something to strike you with. Excuse me. |
| Stewie Griffin | I'm going to go find something to strike you with. Excuse me. |
| Brian Griffin | Good morning. |
| Brian Griffin | Peter, you look terrible. What happened? |
| Peter Griffin | Last night, Lois was the man! |
| Brian Griffin | Good Lord! |
| Peter Griffin | I just want you to know, Brian I didn't cry. |
| Brian Griffin | It's okay. |
| Lois Griffin | No! Peter! |
| Lois Griffin | Stewie, what did you do? |
| Brian Griffin | He freed the beast all over the back of Peter's head. |
| Lois Griffin | My God. |
| Lois Griffin | This is my fault. |
| Lois Griffin | I brought violence into this house! |
| Lois Griffin | I am the worst mother in the world! |
| Stewie Griffin | I got it all on tape! |
| Stewie Griffin | STEWIE: Okay. This is me interviewing Ed Sullivan. |
| Stewie Griffin | What's new, Ed? |
| Stewie Griffin | [Imitating Ed Sullivan] Stewie, tonight we have a really big show. |
| Stewie Griffin | Okay. And now a word from our sponsors. |
| Stewie Griffin | It takes a very steady hand. |
| Stewie Griffin | Don't touch the sides. |
| Stewie Griffin | Butter fingers. |
| Stewie Griffin | I was making radio shows for fun. |
| Stewie Griffin | Everybody does it. Everybody I know... |
| Stewie Griffin | Shut up! |
| Dr. Kaplan | Now, Stewart, I want you to take this Mommy doll and this Daddy doll and show me how they act together. |
| Stewie Griffin | Yes. Very well. All right. |
| Stewie Griffin | "You see, Margaret. |
| Stewie Griffin | "After 20 odd years of marriage, your curious indiscretions no longer phase me." |
| Stewie Griffin | "Really? I suppose you think I enjoy hanging onto those hammocky... |
| Stewie Griffin | "...deposits of gin sugars you call buttocks?" |
| Stewie Griffin | What was that? |
| Stewie Griffin | What did you just write there? |
| Stewie Griffin | Give me that! |
| Stewie Griffin | "Insecurity? Gender confusion?" |
| Stewie Griffin | I'll give you something to write about! |
| Stewie Griffin | Look at me! I'm insane! I'm Martin Lawrence on a bender! |
| Dr. Kaplan | Mr. And Mrs. Griffin, does Stewart have a history of aggression? |
| Dr. Kaplan | No. Hitting Peter is the first violent thing he's ever done. |
| Stewie Griffin | Technically, the first act of violence was that time bomb I left ticking in your uterus. |
| Stewie Griffin | Happy 50th birthday, Lois. |
| Dr. Kaplan | It's obvious that your son is learning this behavior from someone. |
| Peter Griffin | I know who's responsible for Stewie's behavior. |
| Peter Griffin | But if I told you who it was, Lois would beat me up. |
| Lois Griffin | Now, just a minute! The whole reason I started fighting is because of you! |
| Lois Griffin | I felt weak! You never listen to me! You undermine me in front of the kids! |
| Lois Griffin | And besides, you're not exactly Father Of The Year yourself. |
| Dr. Kaplan | There seems to be a lot of anger in your household. |
| Dr. Kaplan | You owe it to your son to learn how to manage these feelings. |
| Peter Griffin | Manage what? |
| Lois Griffin | I know I went a little overboard with my tae-jitsu. |
| Lois Griffin | But from now on, we're not gonna have any more anger in this house, okay? |
| Meg Griffin | Then tell Chris to quit drawing me with a pig's body. |
| Chris Griffin | Don't censor me! |
| Lois Griffin | No more anger! |
| Lois Griffin | Okay. |
| Lois Griffin | The psychologist wants us to try an exercise called "role reversal" where we pretend to be the person who makes us angry. |
| Lois Griffin | I'll go first. |
| Lois Griffin | "Don't listen to your mother, kids. |
| Lois Griffin | "She's worthless and dumb. Ignore her, and only listen to me. |
| Lois Griffin | "Peter." |
| Peter Griffin | "I'm Lois. I brake for yard sales. But I don't let Peter buy anything he likes. |
| Peter Griffin | "Like that Narragansett beer stein where the chick has two mugs for jugs." |
| Peter Griffin | It was $8, and we have a dozen places to put it! |
| Stewie Griffin | Me next! |
| Stewie Griffin | "I'm the dog. I'm well-read and have a diverse stock portfolio. |
| Stewie Griffin | "But I'm not above eating grass and regurgitating it... |
| Stewie Griffin | "...on the small braided rug near the door." |
| Brian Griffin | "I'm a pompous little anti-Christ who will probably abandon my plans... |
| Brian Griffin | "...for world domination when I fall in love with a rough trick named Jim." |
| Brian Griffin | Peter, calm down. |
| Peter Griffin | I'm sick of Lois' anger-management techniques, Brian. They're not working. |
| Brian Griffin | What about the writing-angry-letters- and-not-sending-them exercise? |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: I wasn't supposed to send those? |
| Meg Griffin | MEG: Look. I got a letter from Dad. |
| Meg Griffin | "Dear Meg, for the first four years of your life, I thought you were a housecat." |
| Meg Griffin | Dad! |
| Stewie Griffin | "Dear Stewie, get out." That's nice. |
| Lois Griffin | Mine just says, "Dear Lois." |
| Lois Griffin | After that, it looks like someone just spit on the paper! |
| Lois Griffin | You got something to say to me? |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah. PS... |
| Peter Griffin | [Deep snort] |
| Peter Griffin | Hold on a second. |
| Brian Griffin | Hold on. Everyone, relax. |
| Brian Griffin | Look, I was hoping it wouldn't come to this. |
| Brian Griffin | We need to get our anger under control before we kill each other. |
| Brian Griffin | My psychiatrist gave me these pills. They're mood elevators. |
| Brian Griffin | I think they could help even us out. |
| Lois Griffin | We're not taking pills. It's not natural. |
| Peter Griffin | Neither is bleaching the hair on your upper lip, Martin Mull! |
| Lois Griffin | Give us the pills! |
| [African tribal music] |
| Lois Griffin | That was fun. |
| Lois Griffin | What country should we do next? |
| Meg Griffin | Monaco! |
| Meg Griffin | Oh, wait. That's a principality. |
| Brian Griffin | You guys want to hear something funny? |
| Brian Griffin | Those pills I gave you were placebos. Sugar pills! |
| Peter Griffin | Wait a minute. Are you telling me I sang Ladysmith Black Mambazo for nothing? |
| Lois Griffin | Did it kill you to be multi-cultural for a minute? |
| Peter Griffin | I died a little inside, yes. You happy now? |
| Lois Griffin | Don't you use that tone of voice, you... |
| Peter Griffin | What were you going to say? "Fat ass"? |
| Meg Griffin | "Wide load"? |
| Chris Griffin | "Dough boy"? |
| Stewie Griffin | "Country virtuoso Roy Clark"? |
| Lois Griffin | How about "all of the above"? |
| Peter Griffin | How is this for a name? "Miss, Pony Express is in." |
| Peter Griffin | "What do you got for me, Joe?" "Let me see here. It's here somewhere. |
| Peter Griffin | "Here we are. A big bag of liver spots for Lois!" |
| Lois Griffin | You just hit me. |
| Peter Griffin | That's right! |
| Lois Griffin | You can't hit me! I'm a girl! |
| Peter Griffin | Sometimes I wonder. |
| Peter Griffin | Kicking, Lois? |
| Lois Griffin | Hurts, doesn't it? |
| Peter Griffin | You tell me. |
| Chris Griffin | Go, Dad! Kick her ass! |
| Meg Griffin | Shut up! This is all Dad's fault! |
| Chris Griffin | I don't like to be touched! |
| Lois Griffin | [Laughing] |
| Lois Griffin | Man, I'm glad we got that out of our systems. |
| Meg Griffin | MEG: I wonder what came over us? |
| Chris Griffin | CHRIS: Maybe people are naturally violent. |
| Lois Griffin | I don't believe that. |
| Lois Griffin | I think it's all the TV we watch. There's so much violence. |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah. TV is dangerous. |
| Peter Griffin | Why doesn't the government step in and tell us what we can and can't watch? |
| Peter Griffin | And shame on the network that puts this junk on the air! |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, maybe you shouldn't say anything bad about the network. |
| Peter Griffin | Why? What are they gonna do? Cut our budget? |
| Peter Griffin | I'm gonna go get a beer. |
| [Theme music] |