| Teacher | NARRATOR: Previously on Family Guy. |
| Lois Griffin | Oh, my God! Tell your father not to start the car! |
| Stewie Griffin | You want my badge number? Here! Here's my freakin' badge number! |
| Lois Griffin | I can't lose this case! |
| Peter Griffin | Lois, the case is already over! |
| Meg Griffin | [Crying] |
| Chris Griffin | Who did this to you? |
| Lois Griffin | In all my research, I've never seen a virus reproduce this quickly. |
| [Intense instrumental music] |
| [Screaming] |
| Lois Griffin | Everyone I've told about the file is dead. |
| Meg Griffin | MEG: What do you mean, "Cut the blue wire"? They're all blue wires! |
| Meg Griffin | Face it. He's never coming out of that coma. |
| Stewie Griffin | [Screaming] |
| Lois Griffin | Brian's gone to Los Angeles to find himself! |
| Lois Griffin | [Singing] "It seems today that all you see |
| Lois Griffin | "is violence in movies and sex on TV |
| Peter Griffin | "But where are those good, old-fashioned values |
| Peter Griffin | "on which we used to rely? |
| All | "Lucky there's a family guy |
| All | "Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you |
| All | "all the things that make us |
| Stewie Griffin | "laugh 'n' cry |
| All | "He's a family guy" |
| Lois Griffin | Don't throw out Brian's things. |
| Lois Griffin | It's not like he's gonna be in Los Angeles forever. |
| Lois Griffin | He just needs to find himself. |
| Peter Griffin | He's not coming back, Lois. You saw him. |
| Peter Griffin | He just walked out on us. Boy, did we have some good times! |
| Peter Griffin | Here it comes, buddy! |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, God! |
| Peter Griffin | [Screaming] |
| Peter Griffin | What are the odds? |
| Lois Griffin | If he does come back, I want everything to be just how he left it. |
| Stewie Griffin | Easy! Massage the scalp! |
| Stewie Griffin | You're washing a baby's hair not scrubbing vomit off your Christmas dress, you holiday drunk! |
| Meg Griffin | MEG: You guys! We got a letter from Brian! |
| Stewie Griffin | Tell him I'm not here. |
| Lois Griffin | Let me see. |
| Stewie Griffin | [Screaming] |
| Lois Griffin | I'm sorry, sweetie. |
| Lois Griffin | There. All better? |
| Stewie Griffin | You are some piece of work, lady. If you... Actually, yes, it is. |
| Lois Griffin | "Greetings from California. I've been very busy. |
| Lois Griffin | "I'm having a great time trying to make it as a writer in LA. |
| Lois Griffin | "It's just as easy as everyone thinks it is. |
| Lois Griffin | "I've been working the room at a lot of Hollywood parties." |
| [Jazz music playing] |
| Lois Griffin | Bobby, loved you in Raging Bull. |
| Lois Griffin | Hey, Jodie, how's the baby? All right. |
| Lois Griffin | I need more cheese puffs. Looks like Oprah's off the wagon again. |
| Lois Griffin | Skip the toothpicks. She'll hurt herself. |
| Man | Hey, Bri. Did you hear about Jason? Paramount bought his script. |
| Brian Griffin | They bought Death Spares Not the Tiger? |
| Man | $100,000. Pretty good, huh? |
| Brian Griffin | Jeez! He's been in LA how long? Unbelievable. |
| Brian Griffin | He actually called the main character "John Everyman"? |
| Brian Griffin | Come on. |
| Brian Griffin | Well, good for him. |
| Brian Griffin | [Breathes deeply] |
| [People chattering] |
| Brian Griffin | Keanu Reeves, wow! I don't usually gush. |
| Brian Griffin | You'll have to forgive me. But when I was writing Coast Guard... |
| Brian Griffin | That's what I do, I'm a writer... |
| Brian Griffin | Anyway, when I was writing Coast Guard, I couldn't think of anyone other than... |
| [Pecking] |
| Brian Griffin | There's a woodpecker on your head. |
| Keanu Reeves | He comes and goes. |
| Announcer | TV ANNOUNCER: Now back to Kids Say the Darndest Things. |
| Bill Cosby | It's okay. Take your time. Then what happened? |
| Girl | He said he would kill me if I ever said anything. |
| Bill Cosby | Do you remember what he looked like? |
| Girl | Yeah. He had a scar on his arm. |
| Girl | And he had a big, stupid doo-doo head! |
| Bill Cosby | "A big, stupid doo-doo head!" |
| [Audience laughing] |
| Lois Griffin | Honestly! The things these children come up with. |
| Announcer | TV ANNOUNCER: If you have a child you'd like to exploit for a trip to LA why not have them try out for our show? |
| Announcer | Next auditions will be in New York, Chicago, and Quahog, Rhode Island. |
| Meg Griffin | Maybe Stewie could get on that show. |
| Stewie Griffin | You must be 'shrooming. |
| Lois Griffin | Yeah! We can get a free trip to LA and see Brian. |
| Peter Griffin | I haven't been to California since I lived with my other family. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Guys, I just got invited to a party at Sharon Tate's house! |
| Peter Griffin | You guys can come but you got to promise not to embarrass me. |
| Stewie Griffin | Talk, damn you! |
| Stewie Griffin | I know you're plotting to foil my plans of world domination. |
| Stewie Griffin | Who are you working for? |
| Stewie Griffin | The Libyans? The French? |
| Stewie Griffin | Very well, if torture won't work, perhaps a little tenderness will. |
| Stewie Griffin | I like your taste in women. |
| Stewie Griffin | Yes, I think she and I are going to have a good time together. |
| Stewie Griffin | Yes, you like this, don't you? |
| Stewie Griffin | God! Look at me, having sex with a pig. I've become my father! |
| Lois Griffin | Come on, Stewie. Let's get your sailor suit. |
| Lois Griffin | You got to look cute if you audition for national television. |
| Stewie Griffin | Lois, I told you there's no way... National television, you say? |
| Stewie Griffin | Coast to coast? |
| Stewie Griffin | That could be the ideal place to unleash my mass-hypnosis device on the unsuspecting public. |
| Lois Griffin | I always loved this little sailor suit. |
| Lois Griffin | Or we could do nice corduroys and a sweater. |
| Stewie Griffin | Or you can make yourself useful and wipe my button. |
| Stewie Griffin | Circular motion, one finger. And don't you look at me! |
| Brian Griffin | Oh, my God! That's Michael Eisner. I'll take it from here, Julio. |
| Brian Griffin | Here you go, Mr. Eisner. It's been Brian-ized. |
| Brian Griffin | You might notice that new-script smell. |
| Brian Griffin | Every car I hand-wash comes with a smile, an air freshener and a copy of my can't-miss coming- of-age teen comedy set in Wisconsin. |
| Michael Eisner | What's your name? |
| Brian Griffin | Brian. |
| Michael Eisner | Let's see. There we go, Brian. |
| Michael Eisner | EISNER: See you at Disneyland. Bring money. |
| Lois Griffin | Look. It's Tom Tucker from the news, and that must be his son. |
| Lois Griffin | Oh, my! |
| Stewie Griffin | I feel bad staring without having paid for a ticket. |
| Stewie Griffin | How am I supposed to follow that act? Bite the head off a chicken? |
| Jake Tucker | Dad, they're staring at me! |
| Tom Tucker | They're just jealous. |
| Lois Griffin | [Gasping] |
| Man | You're next. |
| Tom Tucker | Wait a minute. Wait. We were next! |
| Tom Tucker | Don't walk away from me! |
| Tom Tucker | [Sighing] |
| Tom Tucker | You know what we'll do? |
| Tom Tucker | We'll get the video camera out and make our own show. |
| Jake Tucker | I don't wanna! |
| Tom Tucker | Yes, you do! You do, because it's normal! |
| Man | Tell us, Stewie, what job does a mommy do? |
| Stewie Griffin | Interesting question. |
| Stewie Griffin | More to the point, how does one define "job" without branding oneself with useless labels? |
| Stewie Griffin | I'm sorry, I'm afraid I answered your question with another question. |
| Man | How old do you think Daddy is? |
| Stewie Griffin | 42. |
| Stewie Griffin | [Stuttering] |
| Stewie Griffin | I mean, Daddy's old! |
| Stewie Griffin | I think he's 7! |
| Men | [Laughing] |
| Stewie Griffin | STEWIE: That's it. That's what you want to hear, isn't it? |
| Stewie Griffin | Yes, jump through the hoop. |
| Stewie Griffin | Daddy's feet smell! |
| Stewie Griffin | Jackasses. |
| Man | Mr. And Mrs. Griffin, he's adorable. Congratulations. |
| Man | Stewie's gonna be on the show. |
| Peter Griffin | Did you hear that, Lois? We're going to Hollywood where people are sexy and clever and always say something funny right before the commercial break. |
| Man | Great. I always end up sitting next to a damn baby. |
| Stewie Griffin | What? What did you just say? |
| Lois Griffin | Stewie, stop fussing. |
| Stewie Griffin | Not now, Lois. Hey, big man, turn around. |
| Stewie Griffin | Not now, Lois. Hey, big man, turn around. |
| Stewie Griffin | If you've got something to say, say it to my face! |
| Stewie Griffin | You can't hear me now. |
| Stewie Griffin | That's it. I was going to watch the movie, but forget it. |
| Stewie Griffin | For the next five hours, you're my bitch. |
| Stewie Griffin | [Crying] |
| Stewie Griffin | My ears are popping, and there's no way to console me! |
| Stewie Griffin | I'm hungry and possibly teething! Maybe I'm wet. Who knows? I'm a baby. |
| Stewie Griffin | [Continues crying] |
| Man | ANSWERING MACHINE: This is a message for Brian. This is Jack Nicholson. |
| Man | Listen, I read your script, and it just jumped right off the page. |
| Man | I think it's something I'd be excited to be a part of. |
| Man | So, call my... |
| Man | [Laughing on machine] |
| Man | Listen, I'm just jacking you, man. |
| Man | Me and my buddy Phil just found your script at Starbucks. |
| Phil | PHIL: Tell him it sucks! |
| Man | MAN: Yeah, it sucks! |
| Man | Give it up, loser! And don't put your number on the cover, you stupid. |
| Man | [Laughing] |
| Phil | PHIL: I'm hungry. |
| [Phone ringing] |
| Brian Griffin | Jasper's residence. |
| Peter Griffin | Who the hell is Jasper? Where's Brian? |
| Brian Griffin | Peter? It's me. Jasper's my cousin. |
| Brian Griffin | I'm using his place while he works at Club Med. |
| Brian Griffin | Are you on a cell phone? |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah. We're in LA. |
| Brian Griffin | What? What a terrific surprise! |
| Peter Griffin | Brian, can we see you for dinner? |
| Peter Griffin | You're not too famous to get together with your old family, are you? |
| Brian Griffin | I was invited to the premiere of the new Val Kilmer picture, but I'd much rather take you guys out to dinner. |
| Brian Griffin | How about Musso and Frank's, 8:00? |
| Peter Griffin | Okay, see you later, Mr. Bigshot... |
| Peter Griffin | Crap! I didn't push "end." This is gonna cost me a fortune. |
| Peter Griffin | [Turns off phone] |
| Jasper | Brian! Okay, I'm back. Tell me everything. I'm sitting. |
| Jasper | I'm hearing. That's Ricardo. He doesn't speak any English. Can I... |
| Jasper | Catching up. Okay, me first. I'm in love. Too much dressing. |
| Jasper | He's from the Philippines. I know, I'm a rice queen. |
| Jasper | So, how's the writing thingy going? |
| Brian Griffin | Terrible. I can't even get my foot in the door. |
| Jasper | Okay. I have somebody you have to meet. |
| Jasper | He's a producer. He's great. |
| Brian Griffin | Really? Thanks. That'd be great. |
| Jasper | Do you like Sex and the City? |
| Brian Griffin | Yeah. It's an all right show. |
| Jasper | I wasn't talking about the show. I'm nasty! |
| Jasper | Someone send me out to sea! |
| Meg Griffin | MEG: It says that this is the gutter where the policeman fell over laughing after Eddie Murphy told him he was giving the transvestite a ride home. |
| [Phone ringing] |
| Peter Griffin | I think that's me. Hello? |
| Quagmire | QUAGMIRE: Hey, Peter, it's Quagmire. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Hey, Quagmire. |
| Quagmire | Guess what? Last night I had sex with a black chick. |
| Peter Griffin | I got to go. |
| Peter Griffin | Sorry. |
| Black Woman | What? All he said was "black chick." |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah, I know. |
| Peter Griffin | But your boyfriend looks like a typical angry black guy. |
| Peter Griffin | I didn't want to offend him. |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, we cool, G? |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah? |
| Peter Griffin | All right! |
| Brian Griffin | Halle Berry would be perfect as the camp counselor all the kids want to "get with." |
| Porn Director | Jasper was right. You're very talented. I'm having a brainstorm here. |
| Porn Director | Have you ever thought about directing? |
| Brian Griffin | Just every waking hour! |
| Porn Director | I got this movie. I'm not gonna lie. It's a low-budget movie. |
| Porn Director | But the script is solid. My director dropped out. |
| Porn Director | And I need somebody who's smart, ambitious and not addicted to meth. |
| Brian Griffin | I am smart and ambitious! |
| Porn Director | [Laughing] |
| Porn Director | Seriously. |
| Brian Griffin | No, no. I'm clean. |
| Brian Griffin | BRIAN: Musso and Frank's is famous. |
| Brian Griffin | See the bar over there? |
| Brian Griffin | Great writers like Hemingway and Faulkner drank there. |
| Peter Griffin | Where did that guy who wrote Porky's drink? |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, man! When that fat broad grabbed that kid's crank through the hole... |
| Peter Griffin | Where do they get their ideas? Where do they get them? |
| Peter Griffin | You're the writer. You tell me. |
| Brian Griffin | Ah, boy! This is great. |
| Brian Griffin | All that searching, that emptiness I felt back home, gone. |
| Brian Griffin | I think I finally found my life's calling. |
| Lois Griffin | How wonderful! |
| Lois Griffin | Brian, I've always found your writing to be a little hackneyed and stilted but I guess that's why I'm not working out here in Hollywood. |
| Lois Griffin | Congratulations on all your success. |
| Brian Griffin | Thank you. |
| Brian Griffin | You know what might be a thrill for you guys? |
| Chris Griffin | Eating a pebble! |
| Brian Griffin | Yes, but I was talking about stopping by the set to see me in action. |
| Lois Griffin | Brian, could we really? |
| Brian Griffin | You do know somebody in the business. |
| Stewie Griffin | Yes, I'm in the business, too. I'm going to be on television. |
| Brian Griffin | Great. |
| Stewie Griffin | Yes. |
| Stewie Griffin | When I make my appearance I promise you'll talk about it at the water cooler the next day. |
| Brian Griffin | Yeah, well, good luck with that. |
| Stewie Griffin | "Yeah, well, good luck with that." Yutz. |
| [Phone ringing] |
| Woman | WOMAN: I'm trying to reach Mr. Griffin. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: You're in him. |
| Woman | Mr. Griffin, are you happy with your long-distance service? |
| Peter Griffin | Yes. I'm sick and tired of you people always calling during dinner. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Let me speak to your supervisor. |
| Woman | WOMAN: Hold, please. |
| [Music playing on phone] |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, I love this song. Open your mouth. |
| [Music playing louder] |
| Brian Griffin | [Knocking] |
| Porn Director | Brian, right on time. I like that. |
| Porn Director | Come in. So, ready? Ready to shoot your first scene? |
| Brian Griffin | I sure am. Where's the set? |
| Porn Director | Second door on your left. |
| Brian Griffin | So, this is some kind of shampoo commercial, right? |
| Porn Actress | Do I have to sleep with the dog in this one? |
| Stagehand | Can someone fluff Paul? He's got a windsock thing going on. |
| Brian Griffin | So, this is some kind of shampoo commercial, right? |
| Brian Griffin | Look, Zack, I'm sorry. There's just no way I can do this. |
| Brian Griffin | I mean, I've been around. I've licked my share of peanut butter. |
| Brian Griffin | But I just think you need to find yourself a new director. |
| Porn Director | Are you sure? |
| Brian Griffin | I just can't do this. |
| Porn Director | Is this any more degrading than washing cars? |
| Porn Director | At least here you can be creative. |
| Brian Griffin | Look, I want to make this perfectly clear. |
| Brian Griffin | There is absolutely no way I would possibly consider doing something like this. |
| Brian Griffin | Unless I saw a script first. |
| Porn Director | Of course. |
| Brian Griffin | This isn't bad. |
| Porn Director | It's kind of like Bang the Drum Slowly, except the drum's a chick. |
| [Car horn honking] |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, slow down. |
| Lois Griffin | Brian said he was gonna be on the set all day. |
| Lois Griffin | "On the set." Listen to me. |
| Lois Griffin | Two days in Hollywood, and I sound like a contract player. |
| [Police siren] |
| Peter Griffin | Crap! The LAPD! |
| [Screaming] |
| Lois Griffin | Come on, Peter, I want to save some tape for the Hollywood sign. |
| Peter Griffin | Okay. Thanks a lot, you guys. |
| Police Officer | Our pleasure. Have a nice vacation, sir. |
| Jenna Jameson | JENNA: Yes! Yes! Yes! |
| Jenna Jameson | [Heavy breathing] |
| Brian Griffin | Cut. Okay. Nice take, Jenna. |
| Brian Griffin | But let's try giving the lines a little subtext this time. |
| Brian Griffin | Your husband's always away on business, and you feel isolated and unloved so you think you should go back to graduate school and finish your dissertation. |
| Brian Griffin | That's when you notice the cable man has taken his pants off. |
| Peter Griffin | Wow! A real movie set. This house looks kind of familiar. |
| Peter Griffin | I'll bet Samuel L. Jackson is here. He's in everything. |
| Lois Griffin | There's Brian! |
| Brian Griffin | Samuel, when you lay her down in front of the fireplace I want you to enter from... |
| Brian Griffin | Oh, my God! Hey, you guys! |
| Meg Griffin | Hey, Brian? Can I be in the movie? |
| Porn Producer | PRODUCER: One of the Jacuzzi girls didn't show up. |
| Porn Producer | How long can you hold your breath underwater? |
| Meg Griffin | Real long. One time at Hatch Pond... |
| Brian Griffin | No! Absolutely not! This is a closed set! You gotta leave! |
| Brian Griffin | Get these people out of here! |
| Peter Griffin | Now that you're a big director, we embarrass you? |
| Brian Griffin | No! I mean, yes. |
| Stewie Griffin | Does anyone else smell Astroglide? |
| Make-up Lady | You're gonna look so handsome. |
| Stewie Griffin | Look at these crow's feet. |
| Stewie Griffin | My God! You stay up past 7:30, and you pay for it in the morning. |
| Peter Griffin | Who the hell does Brian think he is? |
| Lois Griffin | Maybe he thought we'd get in the way. |
| Lois Griffin | It wouldn't be the first time you've disrupted a performance. |
| [Whimsical music playing] |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, jeez! Oh, God! Oh, God! I didn't see it! |
| Peter Griffin | It jumped right out in front of my car! I am so sorry! |
| Lois Griffin | I think we just have to face it, Peter. |
| Lois Griffin | Brian's a big-time Hollywood director, and we're just simple, small-town people. |
| Stewie Griffin | All right, one more. One more. |
| Stewie Griffin | Rob Lowe. |
| Make-up Lady | Straight. |
| Stewie Griffin | No! |
| Make-up Lady | Yes. |
| Stewie Griffin | Come on. Stop! |
| Stewie Griffin | Pull over. |
| Make-up Lady | Absolutely. |
| Stewie Griffin | Really? |
| Make-up Lady | Yeah. |
| Stewie Griffin | He hides it well. |
| Make-up Lady | He wishes. |
| [Audience applauding] |
| Bill Cosby | "Stewie." That's a funny name. "Stewie." |
| Bill Cosby | It's like "stew," only with an "eeee" at the end. |
| Bill Cosby | I meant, it's funny, Stewie. |
| Bill Cosby | You see, I had an uncle named Stewie, and he used to sell bicycles. |
| Stewie Griffin | I'm sorry, aren't you supposed to ask me a question? |
| Bill Cosby | Stewie, what do you think candy is made out of? |
| Stewie Griffin | Sunshine and farts! What the hell kind of question is that? |
| Bill Cosby | I love candy! |
| Bill Cosby | When I was a little boy, we would play stickball! |
| Stewie Griffin | Oh, no. I'll wait. You finished? I'm sorry. It's my fault, really. |
| Stewie Griffin | I thought the name of the show was Kids Say the Darndest Things not Old Black Comedians Never Shut the Hell Up. |
| Stewie Griffin | Ask me what I want to be when I grow up. |
| Bill Cosby | We also used to play buck-buck. |
| Stewie Griffin | Enough of your blather. |
| Stewie Griffin | Good evening, world. From this moment on, I will be your... |
| Bill Cosby | [Chuckling] |
| Bill Cosby | What have you got there? You gonna go skiing now. |
| Stewie Griffin | Give them back to me! They're of no use to you! |
| Bill Cosby | I'm going down the mountain. |
| Audience | [Laughing] |
| Stewie Griffin | No! Don't listen to him! That's not funny! |
| Stewie Griffin | That's just saying what happens when you go skiing! |
| Bill Cosby | Here I go, down the slope. I'm going... |
| Audience | [Laughing] |
| Stewie Griffin | Stop it! Stop applauding him! He's not even using real words anymore! |
| Bill Cosby | We'll be back with a little girl from Atlanta who skips rope with her sister's pigtails. |
| Bill Cosby | [Making ridiculous noises] |
| Stewie Griffin | No! My segment's not over! |
| Bill Cosby | Come on, little fellow. You like to jump rope, don't you? |
| Stewie Griffin | I like jump rope. |
| Bill Cosby | All right. So, you're gonna just sit here and enjoy it. |
| Stewie Griffin | I'm gonna sit here and enjoy it. And I like pudding. |
| Stewie Griffin | And Ghost Dad was the best movie I've seen since Leonard Part 6. |
| Audience | [Audience applauding] |
| Jasper | Good news! Good news! |
| Brian Griffin | What, more people I love think I'm an arrogant jerk? |
| Jasper | You're more than that Mr. "Nominated for an Adult Movie Award for Best Director." |
| Brian Griffin | A Woody? I'm up for a Woody? |
| Jasper | Call your family. I'll bet they'll be really proud of you. |
| Brian Griffin | No, I'd rather they think I'm a jerk than a smut peddler. |
| Jasper | Brian, they're your family. |
| Jasper | They'll love you even if you made crappy movies. |
| Jasper | I mean, Blythe Danner still loves Gwyneth Paltrow. |
| Jasper | Score one for me! |
| Melissa Rivers | Welcome back to E! 's Adult Video Awards preshow. |
| Melissa Rivers | It's a good crowd here tonight, Mom. |
| Joan Rivers | It sure is, Melissa. All the studs and sluts are arriving. |
| Joan Rivers | JOAN: Brian! Brian! |
| Brian Griffin | BRIAN: Hey. |
| Joan Rivers | You're nominated for three of the seven films you directed yesterday. |
| Joan Rivers | Add Momma to the Train, The Purple Head of Cairo and, what was the third one? |
| Brian Griffin | You've Got Male Genitalia. |
| Joan Rivers | I was asked to star in a porno once. Yeah, but I couldn't. |
| Joan Rivers | 'Cause most of my body is less than 18 years old. |
| Joan Rivers | [Laughing] |
| Joan Rivers | I used to guest host The Tonight Show. |
| Brian Griffin | Oh, yeah. What was that, like, 30 years ago? |
| Brian Griffin | Your mike isn't plugged in. |
| Brian Griffin | You're not even on television right now, are you? |
| Joan Rivers | In my mind! |
| Joan Rivers | [Groaning] |
| Ron Jeremy | RON JEREMY: The next award is for Best Original Score in an adult film. |
| Ron Jeremy | And the nominees are Ron Jones... |
| [Funky music playing] |
| Ron Jeremy | ... Walter Murphy... |
| [Funky music continues] |
| Ron Jeremy | ... and John Williams. |
| [Orchestral music playing] |
| Lois Griffin | You've come a long way from hiding from the vacuum cleaner. |
| Brian Griffin | Lois! |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, buddy. |
| Peter Griffin | How are you, Alfred Hitchcock? You like that one, Dick Hertz? |
| Peter Griffin | I'm sorry. I'm already drunk. |
| Brian Griffin | How did you guys know? |
| Lois Griffin | Jasper called. |
| Lois Griffin | Brian, why didn't you tell us? |
| Brian Griffin | I thought you'd be ashamed of me. |
| Peter Griffin | I ought to knock you out for not bringing me here sooner. |
| Peter Griffin | Look at the pair on that one. |
| Peter Griffin | Bigger than your head. |
| Brian Griffin | You guys aren't offended by this? |
| Lois Griffin | I can't say I approve, but we love you. |
| Lois Griffin | If this is what makes you happy, we support you. |
| Brian Griffin | My God! I thought I needed to get away from you guys to find what was missing in my life but the only thing I'm missing is my family. |
| Brian Griffin | How could I ever become involved in this filthy, degrading business? |
| Ron Jeremy | RON JEREMY: And the award goes to Brian Griffin! |
| Audience | [Cheers] |
| Brian Griffin | Wow! My God! This is unexpected. |
| Brian Griffin | I want to thank my production team, who've been with me from Shaving Private Ryan all the way to Welcome to My Face. |
| Lois Griffin | He lives with us back in Quahog. |
| Porn Producer | You got a nice wiggle, baby. You want to be in a movie? |
| Porn Producer | A little girl-girl action, maybe? |
| Lois Griffin | Peter! |
| Peter Griffin | Good luck, buddy. I've been barking up that tree for 17 years. |
| Peter Griffin | Wow, that was a wonderful trip! |
| Peter Griffin | And everyone has something to remember it by. |
| Peter Griffin | You're gonna love it at our house, Jenna Jameson. |
| Jenna Jameson | [Muffled cries] |
| [Theme music] |