Subtitle Scripts

[Singing] "It seems today that all you see
Lois Griffin"is violence in movies and sex on TV
Peter Griffin"But where are those good, old-fashioned values
Peter Griffin"on which we used to rely?
All"Lucky there's a family guy
All"Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you
All"All the things that make us
Stewie Griffin"laugh 'n' cry
All"He's a family guy"
[Cheery instrumental music]
Look. I'm that pretty, dark-haired figure skater with the horse teeth.
You know, the one who got what she had coming.
Nice figure eight, Mom.
All right.
Okay, Bonnie. One, two, three, push!
[Joyful yelling]
[Screaming]
My God!
I can walk!
It's a...
Sorry, Dad.
Just get the chair.
Good shot. Made my brown eye blue with that one.
Next one's coming for your head!
No! Help!
What the hell?
Now is the winter of your discontent!
Chris! You want to race? On your mark, get set, go!
First one to where that Pakistani girl fell through the ice after coming here to get treatment for her burned face which she got when a man dumped sulfuric acid on her, wins.
I win!
Yes! In your face!
In your face!
In my face!
It's acid girl!
CHEERLEADERS: James Woods High! I am high on James Woods High!
Hey, guys.
What do you want, Meg?
I'm here for cheerleading.
Peter Rabbit would be wise to stay out of Mr. McGregor's garden.
Why don't you try the flag-girl squad?
Are you trying out for flag girl?
[Mumbles]
[Cheery instrumental music]
Yes! I win again, Andy.
Come on. One more before the missus notices I'm not snoozing on the couch.
FLO: Too late!
[Crashing and banging]
Careful, Quagmire. Don't get too close to that thing.
What the hell? Did I just get laid?
Nice game, Peter.
I'm on a roll.
I whipped Chris on the ice today, too.
Enjoy it while it lasts.
It's only a matter of time before he beats you.
What? I'm better than him at everything.
You name it. Sports, video games, even magic tricks.
Got your nose.
Yeah? Well, I got your face!
[Screaming]
Calm down, Chris. It's only a trick.
Face it. Sooner or later, you're gonna have to pass the torch.
I remember the first time Kevin beat me. I was so proud of him.
I gave him a little congratulatory punch on the arm.
And then another.
Then everything got a little hazy.
Kevin went to live with a foster family for a while.
Anyway, it's inevitable.
Don't feel bad, Joe. I think I know why your son beat you.
Apparently, you're a 12 year-old prepubescent girl.
Which is good, because I finally have someone to give this training bra to.
Here you go, Josephina.
Does that feel good on your new budding bosoms?
"It sure does, Mister..."
Get the hell off of me!
[Cheery instrumental music]
Rudolph, we finally figured out what makes your nose red.
Is it pixie dust or leprechaun tails?
No, it's a tumor.
You mean like a magical Christmas tumor?
No. A malignant tumor, the base of which is lodged deep within your brain.
Oh.
Like a happy, special...
You're going to die.
Hey, everybody. Guess what I am?
The end result of a drunken backseat grope fest and a broken prophylactic?
I'm on the flag-girl squad!
Honey, congratulations.
Chris, I bet you can't do this.
I bet I can!
We perform at all the football games. I'm practically a cheerleader.
Meg, that's wonderful. Isn't that wonderful, Peter?
Way to go, Stewie. All right, Chris. I'll see you a fork and raise you a ladle.
You're on!
So, you're a flag girl.
That's great, Meg.
Yes.
Now you can be somewhere else when the boys don't call.
[Snickering]
All right. Saltshaker up the nose.
I got pepper.
[Laughing]
I win!
That was fun, Dad!
I'm the man!
PETER: Lois?
Go get the medical dictionary and look up "fork" and "lung."
Why?
PETER: Time's a factor, Lois.
[Cheery instrumental music]
Meg, looking sharp.
You want to go out after the game tonight?
Neil, I'm a flag girl now. I'm way too cool to be seen with you.
Really? Not even if I smoke this corncob pipe?
Hey, guys. Are we all ready to cheer at the game tonight?
We? You made flag girl?
Yeah. This morning my mom was all, "Meg, don't forget your lunch."
And I'm like, "I'm a flag girl now. I'm not gonna forget my lunch."
And she's all, like, "Meg, don't forget your half-time routine at the game."
Moms!
Hey, maybe we could all, like, hang out after the game.
Go, team!
Uncool people are like animals.
Hey, you want to go feed the science club after school?
[Cheerleaders cheering]
[Referee blows whistle]
Look at me.
Look at me. I'm smoking. Dog, look.
Alcohol doesn't really make you warmer.
It constricts the blood vessels, causing...
Shut up.
The dog just told me to shut up.
I demand to know what you plan to do about this.
Hey, the dog just told me...
Be quiet, Stewie.
Freezing my nips off out here.
Look. There's Meg.
Meg!
[Screaming wildly] Meg!
Hi, Meg.
Here we go.
[Marching band playing]
Peter, isn't she beautiful?
I think she's with that guy. They've been holding hands.
I mean Meg.
Yeah, she's hot.
This meat stinks something fierce!
This ought to knock her down a couple notches.
[Crowd gasps]
[Crowd laughs]
Yeah, Meg!
Man, I love how these kids celebrate these days!
What do you got?
Come on.
Come on, ref. That's charging.
Your feet were moving. No foul.
No foul? That's a stupid call! And I know something about stupid calls.
[Phone rings]
Hello?
PETER: Lois?
I can't take out the garbage because they're making me stay late at the office.
Peter, the caller ID says you're calling from the kitchen.
In fact, I can see you.
PETER: Can you see me now?
No.
PETER: Now I'm at the office.
Score's tied. Next basket wins.
You might finally beat your old man.
What do you mean, "old man"? I'm the white Larry Bird.
PETER: What do you got? Come on!
Your mother and I are getting a divorce!
You are?
Yes!
No. We worked it out.
Well, son, you played good. But your dad is still number one.
I don't think I'll ever beat you.
Chris? What's with your leg?
My God! That's not your leg!
[Groaning]
What's wrong, honey?
I'll tell you what's wrong.
I try to make love to you, and you think about Chris.
Is there something you need to tell me?
Thanks to you, our son has a huge wang.
Thanks to me?
He didn't get it from me!
What are you talking about?
I'll show you.
All right. Stand back, Lois.
Oh, my!
No wonder he's always slouching.
How did this happen? I'm supposed to be the man of the house.
You must be so ashamed of me.
I care as much about the size of your penis as you care about the size of my breasts.
My God!
Meg, honey, you can't let those awful kids get to you.
They won't! Because I'm never going back to that school again!
Dad, after dinner, could you help me with my algebra?
You're a big man. You figure it out!
I bet there's a part of you that really wants to be friends with them.
Maybe.
Be nice to them.
Win your enemies over with unflappable kindness.
Chris, drink your milk. It'll make you big and strong.
No more milk for him, Lois! He's had enough! Give me that!
Megan, you must try the brisket.
Allow me to serve it in the manner to which you're accustomed.
Come talk to me sometime, sweetheart.
I know what it takes to be cool.
[Piano plays]
[Guitar plays]
[Orchestra swells]
Yeah! That's the good stuff.
[Cheery instrumental music]
Hi, you guys.
God, it's her.
Look, about the other night...
That was hilarious.
I just wish I'd known ahead of time.
I would have brought potato salad!
You guys want tomorrow's Biology test?
How'd you get that?
I spent the night with Mr. Burler.
The sun's up. I'm safe for another night. Thanks, Meg.
Thanks!
See ya.
That was kinda cool.
Yeah.
I'm bored.
You want to go push the janitor, knowing he can't push us back?
Sure!
Awesome!
GIRL: Okay, cool.
BOY: All right. Let's go. Cool, man.
CHRIS: Dad, look at these little bananas.
You smug little bastard!
Peter!
Chris, these are plantains. And there's nothing wrong with them.
In fact, a lot of women prefer them to normal-size bananas.
Because they're exotic and flavorful and very special.
Sure, Lois. All the sorority girls are clamoring for the plantain section.
Stop with this!
Look, Peter, you're overreacting to this Chris stuff.
Mine goes inside of me when I stand up. How do you think I feel?
Is Dad mad at me?
Of course not, honey.
Go pick out a box of cereal and meet me at the ten-inches-or-less line.
Items!
Nice.
Yeah. You like this?
Stop it, Peter. You're embarrassing me. Look, I know you're upset, but...
My God. Where's Stewie?
He's around.
STEWIE: Let me out of this stink-filled corduroy dungeon!
Peter, that's sick!
It's okay. He's outside the underwear.
Enjoy your new car, Mr. Griffin.
Thanks, Jim.
[Instrumental rock music]
When you pull that thing into your garage, does your garage say:
"Is it in yet?"
Don't worry, baby. I'll be gentle.
[Crashing]
[AII laughing]
Ow, my pride.
Mom, you were right.
I was nice to the cool kids, and they didn't spit on me.
Connie Demico even invited me to her sweet 16.
How wonderful! Now, what time do we nail those snot-nosed punks?
Nail them? I thought you told me to win them over with kindness.
Yes, and now that they think that you're their friend it's the perfect time to exact your revenge.
Revenge?
Meg, I'm like one of those bald eagles you see on the Discovery Channel beautiful to look at, but mess with one of my chicks and I'll use my razor-sharp talons to rip your... eyes out!
Cookies are done. Who wants chocolate-chip?
I do! But keep talking.
All this stuff about eye gouging has gotten me all frisky.
Really. I've got about a half a pack of Rolaids in my diaper.
[Sad instrumental music]
I'm glad you're interested in joining the National Gun Association.
Let me show you around.
This is our shooting range.
And here we have our locker room with full shower facilities.
Holy crap! They're all so small.
Peter, the way we look at it, a man's only as big as the gun he carries.
Sign me up, Jack, and give me the biggest freakin' gun you got.
Hey, Stewie, you can come out now.
Turn off the light. I'm reading a ghost story.
[Cheery instrumental music]
Pull!
[Exclaims]
Who's the big man now?
Madonna or Janet Jackson?
Which Janet Jackson?
Velvet Rope.
That one. Pull!
What the hell are you doing with that thing?
You want to touch it?
Go on. You gotta be careful though.
Don't want it to get too excited and go off in your hair.
This is pathetic, and all because you feel inadequate next to Chris.
Don't be stupid. I don't need to compete with my son or his freakishly large penis.
I'm a freak.
Don't despair.
Let's just hang a tire on the end of it, and head down to the ol' swimming hole.
Listen up. Connie Demico's house is two stories.
Now, if we set up booby traps here...
How'd you get these blueprints?
Your mother has her ways. She has her ways.
Can I have the blueprints to the Demico house?
CLERK: Sure. Here you go.
Now, I've put together a little flash bomb to create a diversion.
I used to date the pyro guy from Whitesnake.
What's Whitesnake?
That's the music mommies and daddies listen to.
Fire in the hole!
Some of the guys from the club are going hunting tomorrow.
Count me in.
Hunting? I thought you were gonna play hockey with Chris.
You can bring him along.
No. It's too dangerous.
Lois, the National Gun Association is all about safety.
Especially when it comes to kids. Take a look at our new video.
[Thrilling instrumental music]
ANNOUNCER: Let's face it.
Your kids are gonna get into your guns. That's a fact.
Gun accidents can be avoided by introducing your children to guns as early as possible.
Hi, I'm Petey the Pistol. Do you ever get Ionely?
Yes.
Me, too. Hold me.
If you squeeze me, I make bad people go away.
Wait a minute. I thought guns were bad.
ANNOUNCER: False! Guns are good.
In fact, did you know that Jesus and Moses used guns to conquer the Romans?
So, remember, guns don't kill people, dangerous minorities do.
See, Lois? They're responsible.
Check it out, Chris. I can write my name in the snow.
This is fun, Dad.
Son, I told you.
Out here in the wilderness, call me Rooster Cogburn.
You know, Rooster, I was starting to think you didn't like me anymore.
Chris, look! Tracks.
There must be a deer around here.
Well, those are snowmobile tracks.
There he is.
Such grace.
That's the thing about hunting. You gotta be patient.
[Growling]
What the hell was that?
Here. Put this in the heating grate, and set it off in five minutes.
I changed my mind. I'm not doing it.
These people are my friends now.
After they pelted you with meat?
Did you forget how the neighbors chased you and tried to sprinkle you with Fixin's?
Yes, I did!
Okay. Now we're gonna play "Seven Minutes in Heaven."
And it's my party so I want Doug to go in the closet with Meg.
KIDS: Okay.
Have fun.
[AII giggling]
Everyone get ready. Say hello to the lovers.
[Group laughs]
[Screams]
I don't know who should be more humiliated, Meg or the pig.
She's such a dork.
I think I feel worse for the pig.
Mom, you were right! I should have just stuck to the plan!
Well, I figured you might get soft on me so I hired an old friend to scar them for life.
[Doorbell rings]
Hey there, sweetie. How old are you?
16.
18? You're first.
Mom!
I like where this is going.
Giggidy, giggidy, giggidy.
Don't worry, Chris. I'll handle the bear.
Say hello to Satan for me!
[Screaming]
It's a boy, Mrs. Griffin.
I'm afraid the fever has affected his motor skills, Mrs. Griffin.
Looks like he'll have to repeat fourth grade, Mrs. Griffin.
Looks like he's going to have to repeat the fourth grade, Mrs. Griffin.
The only way to get rid of them is with this shampoo and tiny comb, Mr. Griffin.
Congratulations. You've passed the fourth grade, Mr. Griffin.
Great. Listen, I gotta leave, though. I'm going hunting with my son.
Dad, I know what to do! I saw it on Fox's When Bears Attack!
Go away! Go on, get!
Stay tuned for an all-new Ally McBeal!
Holy crap! Chris, that was amazing.
I mean, I just froze up.
But you handled that bear like a real man.
I'm proud of you, son.
You are?
Because I heard what you said about my huge you know.
You heard that?
I was just being stupid.
Take it from me. That thing you got there is a blessing.
Every guy you see with a big house or a fancy car or a shiny gold tooth is really just saying, "Don't look at my penis."
But you'll never have to worry about that.
Thanks, Dad. You're the best.
CHRIS: You know, Dad, I just realized something.
Your name's Peter.
You're right, it is.
PETER: Peter.
[Both laughing]
[Theme music]

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