| [Singing] "It seems today that all you see |
| Lois Griffin | "is violence in movies and sex on TV |
| Peter Griffin | "But where are those good, old-fashioned values |
| Peter Griffin | "on which we used to rely? |
| All | "Lucky there's a family guy |
| All | "Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you |
| All | "all the things that make us |
| Stewie Griffin | "laugh 'n' cry |
| All | "He's a family guy" |
| Let's see. We got soda, purple stuff. Sunny D! All right! |
| ANNOUNCER: We now return to The Smurfs. |
| You have a good time last night? |
| Smurftacular. |
| I saw you leave with Smurfette. |
| As soon as we got out of the bar, she started smurfing me. |
| Shut the smurf up! |
| Yeah! |
| Right in the smurfin' parking lot? |
| Smurf yeah! |
| That is freakin' smurf. |
| You smurf it. |
| That is freakin' smurf. |
| Yeah. |
| [Phone rings] |
| Hello? Oh, my God! |
| Peter, why are you staring into the dryer? |
| I'm watching the latest episode of Laundry Theater. See? |
| Now, those are Chris' socks, right? |
| They don't know that Stewie's shirt is having an affair with Meg's trousers. |
| It's fun to watch rich people be naughty! |
| Peter, listen to me. My sister just called. |
| Her baby's due any day now and Ted just walked out on her. |
| Back it up. You have a sister? |
| I promised her I'd be on the next train. |
| Poor Carol. All alone in that big house. |
| Wait a minute. Carol. Is she the one with the Jacuzzi and the pool table? |
| Yeah. |
| Better come with you. |
| Really? Well, that's a surprise. |
| Come on, Lois. When have I not been there for you? |
| Get out of the damn car, now! |
| Scream and you're dead! |
| Thanks for the ride, lady! |
| [Doorbell ringing] |
| It's the Griffins! What can I do for you? |
| Glen, we have a family emergency. |
| We need you to take the kids for just a couple days. |
| In accordance with Megan's law, I'm obligated to inform you that... |
| That's fine. I'll take the kids. |
| Thanks, buddy. |
| Gosh! I've never had to entertain kids before. |
| So a chick walks into a gynecologist's office... |
| [Makes ridiculous noises] |
| [Makes baby noises] |
| [Giggling] |
| Don't worry. We'll get you through this. |
| In a few days you'll have a beautiful baby. |
| And you can smother it with all your unrequited love. |
| As soon as the baby can crawl, it'll probably leave me, too just like my eight husbands. |
| PETER: Carol. It's me, Ted. Listen, I came back because I love you. |
| I'm just kidding. It's me, Peter. |
| It was so nice of you to come, Peter. You're so considerate. |
| It was nothing. |
| [Crash] |
| [Furniture being dragged] |
| CHRIS: Mr. Quagmire! I finished the scavenger hunt! |
| Hold your horses. Let's go down the list. |
| An unsharpened pencil? |
| Check! |
| A speed-limit sign that doesn't end in 5 or 0? |
| Check! |
| Your mom's hairbrush? |
| Check! |
| You win! |
| Boy! What's my prize? |
| A pencil and a speed sign! |
| I did it! |
| I'll be right back. |
| Some teeth and toenail clippings and we'll be ready for our date! |
| PETER: Carol? Since Ted dumped you, can I have his shirts? |
| What are you gonna do with those? He's half your size. |
| I know. But check this out. |
| Hey, Carol. Say, "David Banner, I just slashed your tires." |
| "David Banner, I just slashed your tires." |
| [Angry screaming] |
| I'm priceless. |
| Peter, sit with Carol. I'm gonna use the ladies' room. |
| Does she still take the newspaper there? |
| Yeah. |
| And after she does, I just can't read it. |
| [Screaming] |
| God! The baby's gonna be here any minute! We had better get moving! |
| Carol, you got to relax. |
| Let that kid start calling the shots now and you're screwed. |
| Is Mr. Quagmire babysitting all these people, too? |
| If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put "U" and "l" together. |
| You must be a parking ticket because you got "fine" written all over you. |
| Hey there. I don't want to come between you. Or do I? |
| That's awful. |
| This is a song I've been singing for a number of years. |
| I find it grows truer and truer as time goes by. |
| I'm hungry for you, baby. Come on. Walk with me. Talk with me. |
| [Smacks butt] |
| [Honking] |
| [Panting] |
| Don't worry, Carol. We're almost there. Peter, why are we stopped? |
| I'll have three cheeseburgers. |
| For God's sake! She's having a baby! |
| That's right. And a kid's meal. |
| And I guess I'll have fries. |
| If I have fries, is anybody else gonna have any? |
| Because if I'm the only one eating them I'd feel like a fatty. |
| Nurse! This woman is in labor! |
| Excuse me. I was here first. |
| My leg is asleep. |
| DOCTOR: Let's see what we have here. The baby's crowning. |
| [Yelling] |
| I'm just going to put on a pair of gloves and we'll deliver this baby. |
| These don't feel like gloves at all. They feel like used needles. |
| But this is where I always keep the gloves. Maybe if I dig deeper. |
| Nope. Just feels like more needles. That's the craziest thing. |
| Now I'm sure this isn't the glove drawer. |
| My God! Who's gonna deliver my baby? |
| Honey, do something! |
| No baby. But it looks like Carol's blowing a bubble. |
| Peter, that's the head! Push! |
| I am! It won't go back in! |
| Not you, Peter! Carol, push! Peter, you pull! |
| My God! |
| What? |
| It's a beautiful baby girl. |
| A baby girl. I'm so happy. |
| But she has a penis. We'll have to do something about that. |
| Peter, no! It's a boy! |
| How do you like that? Hey there, little fella. |
| Welcome to the planet Earth. |
| [Baby passes gas] |
| He takes after his Uncle Peter. |
| Peter, he's Carol's baby. Give him to her. |
| Yeah. |
| Honey, you were fantastic. And you were so cute when you were holding it. |
| I know. I didn't want to give it up. |
| Yeah? |
| Let's steal it. |
| What? |
| No, wait. I got a better idea. Lois, let's have another baby. |
| What? Sweetie, you're not serious? |
| I sure am. |
| The best thing I've ever done is being a dad. |
| Peter. I think it's a wonderful idea. |
| Why haven't you sent for help? |
| I can't believe you guys want to have another kid! |
| Did you find Chris and Meg's baby books? |
| Not yet. Look at this, Lois. It's our pet rock. |
| I remember the first day we brought it home. |
| See that? Bad rock. |
| We do that outside! |
| Look at him. He knows what he did. |
| I found my baby book! |
| Here's the broken condom that led to my birth. |
| The resulting lawsuit bought us this house. You're my favorite mistake. |
| You see, Meg? I'm the favorite! |
| Baby books. |
| Nostalgic for the days of chafed nipples and episiotomies? |
| Somebody hasn't heard the news. |
| What news? |
| What's the most wonderful thing that could happen to this family? |
| STEWIE: The Phillies won. |
| You're gonna have a baby brother, buddy. |
| Or sister. |
| A new baby. That's wonderful. Call me when Kojak starts. |
| What? |
| Another baby? But I'm the baby. Why would they want to replace me? |
| My cheeks are pinchable. My bottom is smooth. |
| My laugh is heartwarming. |
| What's that? I certainly am not overreacting! |
| What happened to Bobby when they added Cousin Oliver to The Brady Bunch? |
| Oliver, did you break this vase? |
| No. The floor did. |
| He's so cute. |
| Hey, everybody. L... |
| Bobby, you get back in the garage! |
| It can't happen! I was here first! Technically, third but no time for semantics. This is Stewie Country and I intend to keep it that way! |
| As God is my witness, from this day forward Peter and Lois shall not conceive! |
| [Dramatic instrumental music] |
| What are you doing here? |
| Peter and Lois are getting intimate. |
| My God! I thought I had more time! I've got to stop them! |
| [Fake crying] |
| Mommy! Daddy! I had a bad dream! |
| I saw the... Blast! What the devil is that name again? |
| Bogeyman! Yes. That's it. I saw the bogeyman. |
| Did someone have a bad dream? Why don't you sleep with Mommy and Daddy? |
| Peter, for God's sakes! Stewie's right here! |
| We can still do it. He'll just think I'm hurting you. |
| Relax, honey. It's only for tonight. |
| Roll over. |
| Roll over, I say! |
| [Muffled yelping] |
| STEWIE: Smells like cheese. |
| Okay. "Insert Rod Support A into Slot B." |
| That's what... |
| And if you say "That's what she said" one more time, I'm gonna pop you. |
| JOE: What you building there, neighbor? |
| We were keeping it a secret, but you guys are my best friends, so I'll tell you. |
| Lois and I are having another baby! |
| [Girlish shrieking] |
| We are so throwing you a shower! |
| [Suspenseful instrumental music] |
| Fat man, we'll see if Lois wants to have sexual relations when she finds lipstick on your collar. |
| There we are. |
| Look at you there. You're a filthy girl, aren't you? |
| Yes. You're looking for a bad time. That's what you're after. |
| You're a dirty flirt. You want it bad. |
| You don't care where you get it. You have no self-respect. |
| And that gets you off, doesn't it? |
| Stewie! |
| Bad boy! That's Mommy's makeup! |
| You got it all over your father's favorite shirt. Go to your room! |
| The evidence is really piling up. |
| Make any joke you want. You know I look good. |
| [Suspenseful instrumental music] |
| My God! They're at it again! All this time spent keeping people from having sex! |
| Now I know how the Catholic Church feels. Ba-zing! |
| Time to initiate Phase Two. |
| [Dramatic instrumental music] |
| All right. Testing voice modulator. Blast you, vile woman! |
| Blast you, vile woman! |
| That won't do. |
| Pardon me, you with the severe aesthetic deficiencies. |
| Hey, ugly. |
| Excellent! |
| [Maniacal laughter] |
| Sweet. |
| Who's got beer? |
| Where'd you go, my little pumpkin eater? |
| To the can, because kissing you made me barf. |
| What? |
| CHRIS: Dad, Meg keeps pushing me! |
| Like I could! He's so fat! |
| I'm not fat! I'm Rubenesque! |
| That's it. Your dad's had enough. |
| I want you kids to go downstairs and drink the antifreeze in the garage. |
| I'm gonna chug it all so there's none left for you! |
| Watch it! |
| Peter! |
| What? |
| Hey, Peter. |
| I see nothing. Nothing. |
| I've had it with these interruptions! All we want is a little time alone! |
| Go to your rooms for the rest of the night. |
| I don't want to go to my room. There's an evil monkey in my closet! |
| "Evil monkey." |
| Right. |
| [Sinister instrumental music] |
| This romantic dinner was a wonderful idea, Peter. |
| You deserve it, my beautiful princess. |
| Lois Griffin | [Lois laughing] |
| You know, I'm not wearing any panties. |
| Don't worry. We can always throw that chair out. |
| [Dramatic instrumental music] |
| Very well then. If I can't stop them from the outside I'll stop them from the inside! |
| Dear! I'm afraid you're in a no-fly zone. |
| As was your fate, Mr. Fly, so is the fate of every sperm in Peter's body! |
| [Dramatic instrumental music] |
| STEWIE: Computer on. |
| COMPUTER: 30 minutes to re-expansion. |
| Just enough time to obliterate all those little potential usurpers. |
| STEWIE: Engine status? |
| COMPUTER: Nominal. |
| STEWIE: Fuel supply? |
| COMPUTER: Full. |
| Air Supply? |
| [Air Supply's Lost in Love playing] |
| Very well. Through the lips, over the gums. Look out testicles, here I come! |
| [Singing] "Lois |
| "You can't spell 'Iove' without L-O |
| "You can't spell 'is' without l-S |
| "You can't spell 'silo' without Lois" |
| And solo from the pet rock! |
| No! No! |
| God! |
| COMPUTER: Warning. Host's oxygen levels rising. Heart rate increasing. |
| Oh, my God! Either they're watching Batman or they're doing the do! |
| [Theme from Batman on TV] |
| I must buy time to reach the testicles and destroy the sperm before coitus. |
| Computer, location? |
| COMPUTER: Fifteen millimeters northeast of the duodenum. |
| Very well. Fire phasers! |
| Jeez, my duodenum's acting up! |
| COMPUTER: Entering testicular perimeter. |
| Do you know what today is? |
| A bad day to be a sperm. |
| [Lasers firing] |
| What the deuce? |
| It seems you are out of ammunition. |
| As are you, Stewart! |
| You know my name! |
| I know many things. |
| Indeed? |
| Quite. |
| We should exchange monosyllabic expressions of arrogance in person. |
| [Monosyllabic grunting] |
| Peter, I'm waiting. |
| PETER: I'm coming. |
| [Latin instrumental music] |
| You came unarmed? |
| As we agreed. |
| Admirable. But foolish! |
| It's going to be a shame to destroy such a worthy adversary. |
| My thoughts exactly. |
| I've got you in the sleeper hold! |
| As I you. |
| Your attempts to escape are futile. |
| Well, well. Naptime appears to be over. |
| Go ahead! Finish me off! |
| My one regret is that I won't be able to do away with that red-headed woman. |
| What the... How the devil do you know about Lois? |
| You've seen that little gleam in the fat man's eye? That twinkle? |
| That's me plotting my escape. |
| You hate Lois? I hate Lois, too. What else do you hate? |
| People who send pictures of their families as Christmas cards! |
| People who use the word "guesstimate." |
| Guys who wear sandals with socks! |
| BOTH: Jason Patric! |
| You know, perhaps I've been looking at this the wrong way. |
| I daresay I should embrace the idea of having a little brother. |
| After all, it's obvious we'd make quite a formidable team. |
| [Whimsical instrumental music] |
| [Computer beeping] |
| COMPUTER: Two minutes to re-expansion. |
| Dear God! I'll never get out in time! |
| Move aside! I know a shortcut! |
| [Moaning] |
| [Moaning] |
| [Choking] |
| COMPUTER: Re-expansion in 60 seconds. |
| There's the tear duct. We've got to make him cry. |
| I think I know just the way. |
| All right. Follow my lead. |
| [Romantic music playing from speakers] |
| Peter, I love you. |
| And I love you, Lou Gossett, Jr. |
| It worked! Hurry, get down there so you can be born! |
| COMPUTER: Ten seconds to re-expansion. |
| I guess this is good-bye. |
| For now. |
| When you're born, don't let the doctor slap you on the ass. It degrades us all. |
| [Honking] |
| Give it to her good, old man! |
| Peter, wait. I've been thinking. It's been a long time since we had such a wonderful night. And it's gonna be impossible to spend time together if we're raising another child. |
| I thought Brian would kind of do a lot of the work. |
| I don't know. I mean, Stewie alone needs so much attention. |
| Maybe we should hold off on having another baby. |
| You may be right. |
| No! You must receive his seed! |
| Look who's here. |
| But, Lois, we still get to do it, right? |
| Honey, not in front of Stewie. |
| Okay. Back in a minute. |
| No! Come back here this instant, you fat bastard and do her! |
| Stop it. Stop tickling me. |
| I'll kill you. I swear to God. |
| What did you just do? |
| [Sighing] |
| No! |
| You killed my brother! How could you, you... |
| Oh, my God! The twinkle. He's alive. |
| Well played, sperm brother. |
| He's more clever than I thought. |
| Perhaps too clever. |
| [Chilling instrumental music] |
| [Theme music] |