| Lois Griffin | [Singing] "It seems today that all you see |
| Lois Griffin | "is violence in movies and sex on TV |
| Peter Griffin | "But where are those good, old-fashioned values |
| Peter Griffin | "on which we used to rely? |
| All | "Lucky there's a family guy |
| All | "Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you |
| All | "all the things that make us |
| Stewie Griffin | "laugh 'n' cry |
| All | "He's a family guy" |
| Lois Griffin | Oh, my! This place is enormous! |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Oh, man! They got these little plastic disc guns! |
| Peter Griffin | I haven't seen one since Cleveland's wedding. |
| Priest | Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the joining of these two young people... |
| Peter Griffin | [Peter laughing] |
| Priest | ... in the bonds of holy matrimony... |
| Peter Griffin | [Peter laughing] |
| Priest | ... consecrated before God Almighty. |
| Peter Griffin | [Peter laughing] |
| Brian Griffin | Hey! Stratego! I used to love this game. |
| Brian Griffin | Oh, my God! Abe Vigoda? |
| Abe Vigoda | Go bother Steve Guttenberg. He's behind the Chinese checkers. |
| Steve Guttenberg | STEVE: Abe, shut up! |
| [Cheerful music playing on keyboard] |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, look at me, Chris! I'm Yanni, sans the attitude. |
| Phoney Shouting Guy | My God, that's amazing! You are so talented. |
| Peter Griffin | Huh? |
| Phony Shouting Guy | Wait a second! Something's not right here. |
| Phony Shouting Guy | You were just making it look like you were playing. |
| Phony Shouting Guy | You're a phony! |
| Phony Shouting Guy | This guy's a great big phony. |
| Peter Griffin | Come on, Chris. |
| [Timer buzzing] |
| Peter Griffin | There you are. |
| Phony Shouting Guy | NERD: You're a great big phony. You know that? |
| Peter Griffin | Come on. Your mom and I have something for you. |
| Stewie Griffin | Let me guess. |
| Stewie Griffin | You picked out another colorful box with a crank that I'm expected to turn until big shock, a jack pops out. |
| Stewie Griffin | You laugh, the kids laugh, the dog laughs and I die a little inside. |
| Lois Griffin | Surprise, honey! |
| Stewie Griffin | A trikie! |
| Peter Griffin | I think he likes it! |
| Chris Griffin | When I stick this army guy with the sharp bayonet up my nose it tickles my brain. |
| Chris Griffin | Ow! Now I don't know math. |
| Stewie Griffin | Give it to me now, damn it! |
| Lois Griffin | Not now, Stewie. When we get home. |
| Phony Shouting Guy | That's right! You're a big, fat phony! |
| Neil Goldman | What I'm about to show you is a fight from Star Trek, Season 1, Episode 18. |
| Neil Goldman | And as a bonus I'll identify when it's Shatner and when it's his stunt double, Fred Lubbins. |
| Neil Goldman | NEIL: That's Shatner. That's Lubbins. Then that's Shatner. That's Lubbins. |
| Neil Goldman | That's Shatner. That's Lubbins. That's Shatner. |
| Neil Goldman | When I freeze-frame you can clearly see Lubbins' coffee cup on that rock. |
| Meg Griffin | He is the biggest dork on the planet. |
| Girl | Totally. |
| Neil Goldman | Because of his rough-and-tumble style of command Captain Kirk is clearly superior to Jean-Luc Picard. |
| Neil Goldman | Any questions? Meg? |
| Meg Griffin | No! Leave me alone! |
| Mr. McCloud | TEACHER: Thank you for that totally irrelevant presentation. |
| Mr. McCloud | We all know Captain Picard is the superior officer. |
| Girl | Hey, everybody! Mr. Lassenbee's getting arrested! |
| Students | [Students chattering] |
| Principal Shepherd | What in God's name? |
| Principal Shepherd | Mr. Lassenbee, what the hell's going on here? |
| Mr. Lassenbee | Apparently, there's some law against teaching the evolutionary theory that Gil Gerard used a time machine, went back, ejaculated into the primordial ooze. |
| Principal Shepherd | This stupid country. |
| Tom Tucker | Hello. Tom Tucker live at James Woods High School with this sensational breaking story. |
| Tom Tucker | A teacher caught molesting children with crackpot theories. |
| Tom Tucker | TOM: Full story at 11:00. |
| Camerman | CAMERAMAN: And out. |
| Meg Griffin | Oh, my God! That's Tom Tucker from the news! |
| Tom Tucker | Hey, kids. Remember, Mr. T says, "I pity the fool who does drugs." |
| [Sweeping instrumental music] |
| Camerman | Better hurry up, Mr. Tucker. |
| Tom Tucker | I'm coming. |
| Diane Simmons | And reports indicate she has also consumed a record amount of seamen. |
| Tom Tucker | That sounds like one powerful hurricane, Diane. |
| Tom Tucker | School-board elections took place last evening. |
| Tom Tucker | And with six precincts reporting, candidate Fred Johnson leads candidate... |
| [Rock 'n' roll music playing] |
| Tom Tucker | Hi, Meg. |
| Tom Tucker | You know how cute I think you are. |
| [Rock 'n' roll music continues] |
| Tom Tucker | TOM: Turmoil at the White House when President Bush stuck his finger in an electrical socket. |
| Brian Griffin | Whoa! Yikes! Awkward. |
| Tom Tucker | TOM: "Cheney told me that's where leprechauns hide their gold. " |
| Phony Shouting Guy | You know who lives in this house? |
| Phony Shouting Guy | A great big phony! That's right! A phony lives here! |
| Phony Shouting Guy | A big fat phony! |
| Stewie Griffin | I say! Look at me! I feel like a regular grease monkey! |
| Grease Monkey | Remember that time I had that Mustang? |
| Stewie Griffin | Oh, yeah! You took her for a spin that time. |
| Grease Monkey | That was awesome! |
| Stewie Griffin | Then those chowderheads on the corner busted your stones. |
| Grease Monkey | [Laughing] |
| Stewie Griffin | Your sister say anything about me? |
| Meg Griffin | Oh, my God! I'm missing the news! |
| Peter Griffin | We all miss The News, Meg. |
| Peter Griffin | But Huey Lewis needs time to create, and we have to learn to be patient. |
| Diane Simmons | And in entertainment, Mary Tyler Moore is 64 years old today. |
| Tom Tucker | Really? 64? |
| Diane Simmons | Yes. |
| Tom Tucker | Now I thought she was dead. |
| Diane Simmons | Nope. She's alive. |
| Tom Tucker | Fantastic! And now this. |
| Diane Simmons | Are you a high-school student interested in the glamorous world of unpaid internships? |
| Tom Tucker | If so, we'd like to invite you to try out for Channel 5's Young Anchor Program. |
| Meg Griffin | Wow! |
| Diane Simmons | You'll gain valuable experience, work closely with Tom and me and best of all, produce your own on-air report. |
| Tom Tucker | So, call us now. |
| Both | Yeah! |
| Tom Tucker | All right, question number one. Would you consider growing a moustache? |
| Boy | I guess so. |
| Tom Tucker | Question number two. |
| Tom Tucker | Look at my moustache. Do you think it tickles women when I kiss them? |
| Boy | I don't know. |
| Tom Tucker | Wrong. The answer is "only slightly." Only slightly. Next! |
| Tom Tucker | Next! |
| Diane Simmons | DIANE: [Thinking] Oh, God! I can't hire any of these girls. |
| Diane Simmons | They're all too pretty. Their breasts are too perky. |
| Diane Simmons | Perfect! |
| Diane Simmons | Congratulations. You got the job. |
| Meg Griffin | Oh, my God! |
| Meg Griffin | Oh, thank you! This is beyond anything I've ever dreamed of. |
| Diane Simmons | You and your partner will start tomorrow after school. |
| Meg Griffin | Great! Who's my partner? |
| Neil Goldman | Hey there, hot stuff! |
| [Suspenseful instrumental music] |
| Neil Goldman | Well, well. |
| Neil Goldman | It appears the fates have conspired in our favor. |
| Meg Griffin | Look! Stay away from me, Neil! |
| Meg Griffin | Just because we work together doesn't mean I like you. |
| Meg Griffin | Give it to me! |
| Neil Goldman | What's that? |
| Meg Griffin | Give it to me, Neil! |
| Meg Griffin | MEG ON TAPE: Give it to me! Give it to me! |
| Neil Goldman | Yeah. That'll work just fine. |
| Tom Tucker | TOM: Hey, look who's here. It's our bright-eyed young interns. |
| Tom Tucker | Did you remember your eager caps? |
| Meg Griffin | I sure did, Mr. Tucker! |
| Diane Simmons | Great! 'Cause you two are gonna have so much fun! |
| Tom Tucker | Don't act any cheerier. You'll give us all diabetes. |
| Diane Simmons | Bite me, Tom. |
| Tom Tucker | Come on, kids! |
| Tom Tucker | And here's where we produce our in-studio celebrity interviews. |
| Tom Tucker | I just did one with Dustin Hoffman. He's impossible to book, but we got him. |
| Tom Tucker | So, Dustin, it's been a while. I got to say, you look great. |
| Dustin Hoffman | DUSTIN: Are you trying to seduce me... |
| Voice | VOICE: Mr. Tucker? |
| Tom Tucker | I am not trying to seduce you, Dustin Hoffman. You really look great. |
| Dustin Hoffman | Twelve minutes to Wapner. |
| Tom Tucker | Yes, I understand your hectic schedule. |
| Tom Tucker | We really appreciate you taking the time to be with us here in the studio. |
| Tom Tucker | TOM: If there's anything I can do for you... |
| Dustin Hoffman | DUSTIN: Bring me Peter Pan! |
| Tom Tucker | I'll keep my eye out for him. Thanks, Dustin. |
| Tom Tucker | He's this tall. |
| Lois Griffin | Can you believe it? Our little Stewie learning to ride his first tricycle. |
| Peter Griffin | This is gonna be more exciting than when Brian taught me about Columbus. |
| Peter Griffin | Where we going? |
| Brian Griffin | We're going to visit the year 1492. |
| Brian Griffin | That's when Columbus set sail to the New World. |
| Peter Griffin | We're on a ship! |
| Brian Griffin | This is the Santa Maria. |
| Brian Griffin | One of three ships he took to find a route to India. |
| Columbus | COLUMBUS: Any sign of India? |
| Man | MAN: Not yet, Captain. |
| Peter Griffin | India? I thought he was going to America. |
| Brian Griffin | On the contrary. Columbus discovered America by mistake. |
| Peter Griffin | Wow! |
| Stewie Griffin | What do you think you're doing? Back off, fat man! |
| Stewie Griffin | Hang on! |
| Stewie Griffin | What the... Hey, let go! |
| Stewie Griffin | Get your filthy paws off! Let go! Let go, I say! |
| Stewie Griffin | Don't let go! |
| Stewie Griffin | Oh, this is exhilarating! |
| Lois Griffin | Go, Stewie! |
| Peter Griffin | Yea, Stewie! |
| Lois Griffin | Here, I gotta check on dinner. |
| Lois Griffin | You keep taping Stewie. Don't miss a moment. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: I got it. |
| Peter Griffin | Look! It's dancing with me! |
| Peter Griffin | It's like there's this incredibly benevolent force that wants me to know there's no reason to be afraid. |
| Peter Griffin | Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world, it makes my heart burst. |
| God | It's just some trash blowing in the wind! |
| God | Do you have any idea how complicated your circulatory system is? |
| Meg Griffin | MEG: Hi, Mr. Tucker. |
| Meg Griffin | I brought some Rice Krispie treats 'cause I remember you saying you liked them. |
| Meg Griffin | See, look. This one is in the shape of a heart. |
| Tom Tucker | I'm sorry, but there's a handsome man in my spoon. |
| Tom Tucker | You'll have to come back later. |
| Meg Griffin | [Meg sighing] |
| Neil Goldman | Oh, my God! Meg's in love with Tom Tucker! |
| Neil Goldman | Try to move in on my woman, will you, Tom Tucker? |
| Neil Goldman | No one crosses Neil Goldman and gets away with it! |
| Neil Goldman | I added a little something to your coffee that I don't think you're gonna like. |
| Neil Goldman | Here's your coffee, Mr. Tucker. |
| Tom Tucker | What the hell is in this? |
| Neil Goldman | Sweet'N Low! |
| Tom Tucker | That's for trying to steal my woman! |
| Tom Tucker | Bring it to me with urine in it like I asked! |
| Neil Goldman | Yes, sir. |
| Charlie the Bully | Nice bike. |
| Stewie Griffin | If that's not the understatement of the century. |
| Charlie the Bully | It's cool. Too cool for you! |
| Stewie Griffin | No, no. I think it's right where I'm at. |
| Charlie the Bully | Out of my way! |
| Stewie Griffin | I see. I suppose you do have to ride it to truly appreciate its virtues. |
| Stewie Griffin | Well then, I'll just wait here till you get back. |
| Stewie Griffin | Where the devil is he? |
| Brian Griffin | You've obviously never met a bully. |
| Stewie Griffin | What do you mean, "bully"? |
| Brian Griffin | He wasn't taking it for a test ride. He was just taking it. |
| Stewie Griffin | You mean... |
| Stewie Griffin | He stole my trikie! |
| Stewie Griffin | [Crying] |
| Meg Griffin | MEG: Mr. Tucker, has anyone ever told you your eyes are... |
| Tom Tucker | Hang on, sweetie. I've got to call Peter Jennings and reschedule our golf game. |
| [Phone ringing] |
| [Rock 'n' roll music playing on answering machine] |
| Peter Jennings | JENNINGS: This is Peter. You know what to do. |
| Producer | Mr. Tucker? Miss Simmons? |
| Producer | There's some nut on top of town hall with a high-powered rifle! |
| Producer | The gunman's been identified as the Mass-media Murderer who targets the press. |
| Tom Tucker | Whoa! "Mass-media Murderer"? |
| Diane Simmons | I think this would be a fine opportunity to give our interns real-world experience. |
| Diane Simmons | That means you'll get to ride in the Action 5 News chopper! |
| Diane Simmons | I'm so jealous! |
| Diane Simmons | Better put in for new interns. |
| Diane Simmons | Good luck! |
| Guman | GUNMAN: I've got Hugh Downs up here! |
| Gunman | And I'm gonna splatter his distinguished career all over the pavement! |
| Hugh Downs | Why me? Why the media? |
| Gunman | I've got my reasons! |
| Gunman | Dan Rather thinks he can condense a day's worth of events into a half hour. |
| Hugh Downs | Don't get me started on Rather. That arrogant jerk. |
| Gunman | Really? You know him? |
| Hugh Downs | I'm Hugh Downs. I know everybody. In fact, he's right down there. |
| Gunman | Where? |
| Hugh Downs | DOWNS: Ha-ha! See you later, sucker! |
| Hugh Downs | And, by the way, Rather is an okay guy in small doses. |
| Neil Goldman | Look how close we're getting, Meg! |
| Gunman | Hey! That was my lucky assassin hat! |
| [Gun firing] |
| Pilot | Mayday! I'm going down! |
| Meg Griffin | Oh, my God, we're gonna die! |
| Meg Griffin | There's so much of life I haven't experienced! |
| Meg Griffin | I never even got the chance to be some drunk college guy's last resort! |
| Neil Goldman | My years of expensive orthodontic work will be a total waste! |
| Meg Griffin | I never even had my first kiss! |
| Neil Goldman | It's not too late, Meg. |
| [Romantic instrumental music] |
| Neil Goldman | I'm here for you. |
| [Gun firing] |
| Gunman | Time to sign off. |
| Hugh Downs | DOWNS: Remember me, dirt bag? |
| [Heroic instrumental music] |
| Man | MAN: Wow! You saved those kids' lives, Mr. Downs! |
| Hugh Downs | All in a day's work. |
| Hugh Downs | If you ever need me, just blow this whistle or call John Stossel's cell phone. |
| Hugh Downs | Hugh Downs away! |
| Lois Griffin | Honey, thank God you're safe! We were so worried. |
| Diane Simmons | We now go to Junior Anchor Neil Goldman with exclusive Channel 5 footage from today's exciting scene. |
| Neil Goldman | Thank you, Diane. |
| Neil Goldman | There may have been some sort of commotion on the rooftop but the real story was inside the mouths of Meg Griffin and Neil Goldman where a meeting of the tongues, a summit of saliva established a new world order of love. |
| Meg Griffin | [Screams] |
| Neil Goldman | Let's watch it one more time in super slow-mo! |
| Neil Goldman | NEIL: This is where we cease to be Meg and Neil, and begin life anew as "Meil." |
| Meg Griffin | Oh, my God! He put it on TV? |
| Lois Griffin | Isn't that cute, Peter? |
| Lois Griffin | Our daughter's first love. |
| Meg Griffin | I just want to kill myself! |
| Meg Griffin | I'm going upstairs right now and eat a whole bowl of peanuts! |
| Meg Griffin | I'm allergic to peanuts! |
| Meg Griffin | You don't know anything about me! |
| Peter Griffin | Who was that guy? |
| Stewie Griffin | I say, constable, I'd like to report the theft of my tricycle. |
| Cop | Oh, look at the little baby. Aren't you cute? |
| Cop | Where's your mommy? |
| Stewie Griffin | How dare you condescend to me! I demand justice! |
| Man | I'm here to turn myself in. |
| Man | I have a dismembered Baltic hooker bleeding through the tarp in my trunk. |
| Cop | Oh, look at the little baby. Aren't you cute? |
| Cop | Where's your mommy? |
| [Laughing] |
| Meg Griffin | Where did you get that shirt? |
| Girl | Neil's giving them out. |
| Neil Goldman | Hello, lover. |
| Meg Griffin | Neil! What are you doing? I'm not your lover! I don't even like you! |
| Neil Goldman | Meg, I strongly suggest you hold my hand, lest you look like a slut. |
| Meg Griffin | Listen, you freak! Tell these people that there's nothing going on between us! |
| Neil Goldman | Don't be afraid of the fire, Meg. I won't let you burn. |
| Neil Goldman | Al? Why haven't I leaped? |
| Al | Ziggy says you can't "leap" until she loves you back. |
| Neil Goldman | Don't worry. I'll get her. |
| Personal Trainer | What did you want to work on? Cardio, upper body, what? |
| Stewie Griffin | Upper body, definitely. |
| Stewie Griffin | I need to get buff to get my tricycle back. |
| Personal Trainer | Luckily we're running a special right now for the next 17 minutes. |
| Stewie Griffin | That's a little unusual, but okay, tell me. |
| Personal Trainer | The normal plan is 78 months at $40 a month, and $200 down. |
| Personal Trainer | Watch this. Forget the down. Watching? |
| Personal Trainer | Good-bye $40 a month. Let's do $35. |
| Stewie Griffin | Okay, $35. Now, that's the cheapest? |
| Personal Trianer | Hang on. |
| Personal Trainer | Can you bring me some of those free gym bags? Thanks. |
| Stewie Griffin | I can probably just do some pushups at home... |
| Personal Trainer | Let's start with the complete body-fat test maybe a heart rate... |
| Stewie Griffin | You're actually not hearing me. I don't think this is for me. Thanks anyway. |
| Stewie Griffin | And for the future? You came on a little strong. |
| Meg Griffin | What's going on here? |
| Lois Griffin | We invited Neil's family over for dinner. |
| Mort Goldman | Hi! |
| Muriel Goldman | Hello! |
| Meg Griffin | You what? |
| Peter Griffin | We wanted to get to know 'em better. |
| Peter Griffin | Seeing how the two of you will one day bless our home with sweet little grandchildren as ugly as sin. |
| Neil Goldman | You never told me your mother was such a stone-cold fox! |
| Neil Goldman | Now I see where you get it. |
| Lois Griffin | Meg, he's so charming. |
| Chris Griffin | CHRIS: My name is Chris. |
| Chris Griffin | I'm supposed to be on my best behavior tonight, and not mention poo. |
| Chris Griffin | Oh, God! What have I done? |
| Peter Griffin | Well, let's eat. |
| Mort Goldman | I think it's very, very nice that our children had this wonderful kiss. |
| Mort Goldman | I remember when Muriel and I had our first kiss. |
| Mort Goldman | And it was just awful. Oh, just awful. |
| Mort Goldman | We were very sick, weren't we, dear? |
| Muriel Goldman | We were terribly sick. |
| Muriel Goldman | We were both 14, and it was winter, and we had terrible head colds. |
| Mort Goldman | Yes. Mine especially was very bad. |
| Mort Goldman | I had terrible mucus coming out from inside my nose. |
| Mort Goldman | And the other children, they were very nasty to me about that. |
| Mort Goldman | They said bad, hurtful things to me. |
| Mort Goldman | They called me "Tasty Cakes" and they would beat me and stick pine cones in my ass. |
| Mort Goldman | Those were very bad times. |
| Lois Griffin | Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. |
| Mort Goldman | Thank you very much. |
| Meg Griffin | Excuse me. I'm gonna go throw up. |
| Mort Goldman | Please flush the toilet twice. |
| Mort Goldman | Once for the bulk, and again for the remainder. Thank you. Oh, she's a dear. |
| Charlie the Bully | CHARLIE: Hey, you're blocking my light, you stupid baby! |
| Stewie Griffin | You know, my hooligan friend, I've been racking my brain in a thus far fruitless attempt to resolve our recent unpleasantness. |
| Stewie Griffin | Then it dawned on me. |
| Stewie Griffin | Your cruelty merely stems from some deep-seated inner pain. |
| Stewie Griffin | So, the obvious remedy is a healthy dose of outer pain! |
| Tom Tucker | School children washing cars to raise money for charity. |
| Tom Tucker | Is there anything more arousing? |
| Tom Tucker | We go to Meg Griffin for a special Channel 5 Junior Anchor Segment on the moon. |
| Tom Tucker | Meg? |
| Meg Griffin | MEG: There's a reason no one goes to the moon. It's cold. And it's ugly. |
| Meg Griffin | And its surface is plagued with deep craters and jagged peaks. |
| Meg Griffin | Oh, wait! That's not the moon. It's Neil Goldman's face. |
| Meg Griffin | Recently, many of you saw me kissing this freak of nature. |
| Meg Griffin | If I didn't think I was seconds away from death, I wouldn't have done it. |
| Meg Griffin | I mean, who in their right mind would? |
| Meg Griffin | I went to the streets to find out. |
| Meg Griffin | Would you kiss this guy? |
| Girl | No. |
| Girl 2 | No way! |
| Girl 3 | No. |
| Girl 4 | No! |
| Girl 5 | No. |
| Girl 6 | No. |
| Mort Goldman | God, no! What's the matter with you? |
| Meg Griffin | It's official. Neil Goldman is unkissable. |
| Meg Griffin | Hear that, Neil? I don't like you, and I never will! |
| Meg Griffin | Back to you, Tom. |
| Tom Tucker | Thank you, Meg. |
| Tom Tucker | I guess beggars can be choosers. And now this. |
| Stewie Griffin | Well, well. Isn't this a darling picture? |
| Charlie the Bully | Let me go, man! |
| Stewie Griffin | Tell me, how old are you? |
| Charlie the Bully | 7. |
| Stewie Griffin | 7? |
| Stewie Griffin | My, you're practically a lady. |
| Stewie Griffin | Ironic that your fate is in the hands of an infant. Now tell me where my tricycle is! |
| Charlie the Bully | I don't know. I lost it. |
| Stewie Griffin | Very well. I have other ways of obtaining the truth. |
| [Metallic grinding] |
| Charlie the Bully | No! Don't! |
| Lois Griffin | Stewie? Look what I found. |
| Stewie Griffin | My trikie! |
| Lois Griffin | What's going on down here? |
| Stewie Griffin | We're playing house. |
| Lois Griffin | That boy is all tied up. |
| Stewie Griffin | Roman Polanski's house. |
| Tom Tucker | Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker. Our top story, the President has been shot. |
| Tom Tucker | Tragedy strikes the nation. The President has been shot. |
| Tom Tucker | What's the President doing in a casket? We'll tell you right after this. |
| Tom Tucker | Meg, nice job on that report. |
| Meg Griffin | Wow! Thanks, Mr. Tucker. |
| Meg Griffin | That means so much coming from someone as handsome as yourself. |
| Tom Tucker | How'd you like to pick up my dry cleaning? |
| Meg Griffin | Well, sure. But isn't that Neil's job? |
| Tom Tucker | Little jerk hasn't been in all day. |
| Meg Griffin | He hasn't? |
| Producer | We got a breaking story! |
| Producer | Some geek on top of Town Hall is about to jump! |
| [Suspenseful instrumental music] |
| Meg Griffin | Oh, my God! Neil! |
| Tom Tucker | Is it Neil? I've been calling him Ned all week. |
| Meg Griffin | Oh, my God! Neil, please don't jump. |
| Neil Goldman | NEIL: I was just a piece of eye candy that she turned into an all-day sucker. |
| Meg Griffin | [Gasping] |
| Meg Griffin | MEG: Mr. Tucker! Thank God you're here! |
| Meg Griffin | Someone must do something! He'll fall! |
| Tom Tucker | I'm on it, Meg. |
| Tom Tucker | Have that cartoon sound-effect guy cue up the... |
| Tom Tucker | [Whistling] |
| Tom Tucker | Then top it off with a... |
| Tom Tucker | [Splat] |
| Tom Tucker | And if there's time before commercial, be ready with a... |
| Tom Tucker | [Sentimental music] |
| Meg Griffin | Oh, my God! You don't care about him at all, do you? |
| Meg Griffin | All you care about are your stupid ratings! You're a horrible man! |
| Meg Griffin | Neil, I'm sorry! |
| Neil Goldman | Meg? |
| Tom Tucker | There he goes! |
| Tom Tucker | Good stuff, good stuff! |
| Meg Griffin | MEG: Neil! |
| Neil Goldman | Meg, you do care! |
| Meg Griffin | Don't read too much into this, Neil. |
| Neil Goldman | Well, it's hard not to when I'm lying right on top of you. |
| Meg Griffin | Just because you're repulsive and the most annoying person on the planet... |
| Meg Griffin | And I'm not the only one who thinks so. |
| Meg Griffin | That doesn't mean I want you to kill yourself. |
| Neil Goldman | Thanks, Meg. But I was never really planning to jump. |
| Phony Shouting Guy | NERD: Wasn't gonna jump? You're a phony! |
| Phony Shouting Guy | Hey, everybody! This guy's a great big phony! |
| [Theme music] |