Subtitle Scripts

[Singing] "It seems today that all you see
Lois Griffin"is violence in movies and sex on TV
Peter Griffin"But where are those good, old-fashioned values
Peter Griffin"on which we used to rely?
All"Lucky there's a family guy
All"Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you
All"all the things that make us
Stewie Griffin"laugh 'n' cry
All"He's a family guy"
Tell me about yourself, Tina.
I really love music.
God! Me, too! I just saw Don Giovanni.
The best opera of the 18th century.
Definitely.
And the use of recitative throughout... Mozart was a genius.
[Stuttering] Yeah. Recitative is really where it's at.
Sir, are we ready to order?
Hold on a second.
You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?
Sure I do! Opera's bitchin'!
Okay. I guess I'll have the es-car-got and a glass of chab-liss.
Same here. Es-car-got and the chab-liss.
[Idle plinking of piano keys]
Don't dawdle, Jonas. Play your exercises.
You're home early. What happened with your date?
The same thing as always. She was an idiot.
Brian... Don't slow down, Jonas. Keep the rhythm.
[Singing] "Brian, your standards are ridiculously high
"You'll never find a girl unless you make exceptions
"and compromise so you can find your love"
"I don't think I have to compromise a thing
"I'd rather be alone than with someone who doesn't get me
"How long has the coffee been on the burner?
"I could really use a cup about now"
"It's not very fresh, I meant to make more
"I made the mistake of getting caught up watching Oprah, James Garner was on"
"James Garner? What's he plugging?"
"I don't know, a crappy movie on TNT"
Very good, Jonas. I'll see you next week. What is it, Brian?
You don't think these women understand you?
Lois, I'm really not comfortable talking about this a-melodically.
I was wondering if you could...
Hang on a second.
ANNOUNCER: And now back to The Life of Grizzly Adams.
Grizzly?
Who's Steve?
What?
There's a message on the machine from somebody named Steve.
Yeah, Steve.
He's new to the mountain.
I met him down at the general store. He makes canoes.
How come I've never met him?
He hasn't really been here that long.
Long enough to get your number!
Ben!
Damn it.
Look at that Grizzly Adams, huh? Look how confident he is, how majestic.
Lois, I'm gonna grow a beard.
Peter, you know I hate beards.
No. It's time I joined the ranks of great men with beards.
Why do you think Jesus Christ was so popular?
Because of all them magic tricks?
Listen, Brian's very depressed.
Can you take him with you to the laser rock show tonight?
If there's one thing I'm good at doing, it's cheering people up.
Mr. And Mrs. Ramsey, Jon Benet's untimely death is a tragedy.
I will not rest until I find her killer, or killers.
Really. Don't bother. Nothing's going to bring our baby back.
No, I insist. I will make it my life's work to find out...
We're fine! Just drop it!
ANNOUNCER: The next laser rock show will begin in 20 minutes.
You hear that, Brian? A laser rock show! Come on, cheer up, would you?
I don't feel like it.
PRESENTER: Binary is the computer language in which words are translated into sequences of zeroes and ones.
Anything at all can be expressed in binary as we demonstrate in this famous scene from The Miracle Worker.
Zero one, one zero, one zero, zero one.
[Incomprehensible gibberish]
Zero one, one zero, one zero, zero one!
[Garbled repetition of binary phrase]
Zero one! Zero one!
You don't think this is amazing?
When I saw this at the 1904 World's Fair, I nearly crapped my pants!
All right! Virtual reality!
You guys gotta try this!
Look at me! I'm a pole in a strip club!
It's show time. No! Stop! False alarm!
My God! I'm flying.
I'll have a Diet Sprite.
[Psychedelic soft rock music]
You are a filthy whore.
Okay, Johnny Depp or Richard Grieco?
That's gross!
Yeah, let's not do this!
Come on.
If you're secure in your masculinity, you can answer a simple hypothetical.
All right. Johnny Depp because he kind of looks like a chick.
What about you, Peter?
Man! I don't know.
Richard Grieco would probably appreciate you more, not take you for granted.
With Johnny Depp, it's like he wouldn't really need you.
He'd probably sneak out after you fell asleep.
With Johnny, you'd get the financial security.
I'd go with Johnny.
[Sirens wailing]
Great.
Brian.
Hey, Joe. How's it going?
Pretty good.
You were swerving back there.
Yeah, me and the boys were just...
You're off the meter, Brian.
You're under arrest.
Come on!
Move it.
One of you guys all right to drive?
Yeah. I can do it.
Great. I'll meet you at the Drunken Clam. We'll tie one on.
I'm very disappointed in you.
God, a DUI! I can't believe this. I could actually go to jail!
It's okay. You'll get through this DUI, and you'll be a better person for it.
Hold on. Don't disguise his alcohol dependence as a ticket to self-realization!
Look, you're not one to talk.
You remember that time I gave you apple juice and told you it was wine?
I think you are a special person.
Thanks.
Now, come on! I'm being serious.
I want to be serious here for a second!
Are you gonna listen to me so I can tell you that I respect you?
[Snickering]
Brian, I know this is a bad time for you. If I have any advice to give you, it is this.
Grow a beard.
Peter, I wish you'd shave that thing. Beards are so ugly.
Relax, Wooly Willy. There's lots of fun things you can do with that.
There we go.
Thanks!
JUDGE: On the charge of driving under the influence, this court finds you guilty.
Yes! Good call. Churn the butter.
In lieu of jail time, I sentence you to 100 hours of community service.
Next item.
"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to join these two in holy matrimony.
"If anyone objects to this union, speak now or forever hold your peace. "
Quiet down! You had your chance!
What do you have to do for your community service?
I got assigned to the Outreach to the Elderly program.
I'll take care of an old woman who hasn't left her house in 30 years.
When I got caught at school with my hand down my pants I had to keep it there for a whole week.
What a week!
Taking care of this old woman'll be just like baby-sitting only with bigger diapers.
So they do make bigger diapers!
That deceitful woman told me I'd have to learn to use the toilet.
Fie on the toilet! It's made slaves of you all.
I've seen it sitting in there, lazy, slothful porcelain layabout feeding on other people's doo-doos while contributing nothing to society!
You get a job!
[Rings doorbell]
Pearl Burton? My name's Brian.
I'm here from the Outreach to the Elderly program?
PEARL: You're late!
[Several locks opening]
BRIAN: What the hell is this?
PEARL: Delousing powder!
Everyone on the outside is filthy!
You could have warned me!
Here's your warning.
It's gonna burn like hell in 30 seconds. I like my tea at 4:00, my dinner at 6:00.
I take my bath at 7:00 sharp, so I can listen to Paul Harvey.
You'll warm up my bath water with quick bursts from the faucet during commercials.
It'll take time to get a rhythm.
Paul Harvey seamlessly begins commercials.
By the way, it's been 30 seconds.
[Screaming]
Peter, stop scratching that thing.
I can't. It's itching like crazy.
Dad, can I scratch your beard?
Have you finished your homework?
Yes.
Okay then.
Brian, you've been awfully quiet. Is the community service not going well?
It's horrible. I was cleaning her house all day.
It's the worst job I've ever had, except for one.
Excuse me. Would you like to taste my smoked-meat log?
Here you go. Enjoy your food.
Enjoy your studio apartment.
You got something right here.
Where?
No. Other side.
Over here?
The left side.
Right here?
Your other left side.
Where am I at?
Up a little.
Do I have it?
Up a little.
Is it gone?
Now go down.
Is it gone?
Is it gone?
Get it off!
Peter, hold still!
Don't touch that bird!
What's it to you, pal?
I'm Dr. Goodman of the Quahog Ornithological Society ironically dining in a restaurant that exclusively serves poultry.
Doctor, what is this?
It's a very rare species.
The endangered White-Rumped Swallow.
"Rump."
This isn't funny, Chris!
"Swallow."
Just get rid of this bird, all right?
Unfortunately, I can't do that.
Once the swallow has chosen its nesting place, it's illegal to disturb it.
He can't walk around with a bird in his beard.
You have to wait until the bird departs of its own accord or you'll be prosecuted fully by the law.
Wow! You sure know a lot of stuff.
It's great to learn.
Because knowledge is power!
What is this? Spit Soup?
Tomato bisque.
What is this? Snot Soup?
Tomato bisque!
What is this? Diarrhea soup?
I'm not making you anything else. Just eat it.
Fine! Then I'll have to call the judge. That means you'll go to jail!
You're one phone call away from getting a human booster shot from a guy named Molly.
Damn it all! Sorry!
Shut up!
Keep it down!
Look, there's nothing I can do, all right?
Take it outside, pal!
Heard of a sitter?
Look, it's an endangered species. What am I supposed to...
MAN: I'll make you endangered!
PETER: Good comeback, Potsie!
MAN: I'll kick your ass!
Look, everybody just shut up! He has stopped squawking.
He has receded into my beard. We can all watch the movie. Shut up.
MAN: Eric, if you're in here, we're all going to Marty's after.
I love you so much.
I love you, too, honey.
What's wrong?
That's it. You're history, pal.
No bird frenches my wife and gets away with it!
PEARL: Help! I've broken my hip!
PEARL: Brian! 5.3 seconds.
I could have been dead by now!
You mean, you're not really...
I heard you drop that light bulb, too. That'll be 67 cents!
Now, go warm me up some of that diarrhea soup!
That's it! I have had it with you, you old hag!
You're just a miserable, dried-up shut-in trying to make everyone else feel as bad as you do!
Why don't you do the world a big favor and drop dead?
This last one won't open.
Jiggle it a little bit.
Like this?
Here, let me get it.
Thanks. And drop dead.
[Heavy metal rock music]
[Heavy metal rock music]
Get out of my beard, you squawking bastard!
Nothing.
I was hoping it wouldn't come to this.
My God, Peter, no!
Lois, the bird must die!
It's gone!
Thank God!
Peter, what's that sound?
[Chirping]
My God! They're babies.
Look, Lois. There are three of them, just like ours.
PETER: Sweet.
ANNOUNCER: We now return to E! 's Mysteries and Scandals.
Pearl Burton, the Jingle Queen.
Pearl?
I'm A.J. Benza.
You won't find Pearl Burton's name on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
Yet from 1945 to 1960, you couldn't turn on a radio without hearing one of her trademark jingles.
PEARL: [Singing] "You're only healthy when you're tan
"so soak up all the sun you can
"with Coppertone!"
BENZA: At her peak, Pearl Burton earned $26,000 a year which by today's standards would be just under $49 billion.
Brian, she's beautiful.
Yeah. And that voice. I had no idea.
BENZA: In 1961, Pearl used an appearance at Carnegie Hall to make the leap from jingle-singer to artist.
[Operatic aria]
BRIAN: That's Habanera from Carmen.
I've never heard it sung so beautifully.
Sing Coppertone!
Do Doan's Pills!
Sing Gold Bond Medicated Powder!
Pepsodent!
Chiclets!
No one has seen Pearl Burton since that fateful night over 30 years ago.
She's presumed dead.
My God!
And I said all those awful things to her!
Pearl!
Come on, Pearl! Don't do this!
You should be happy!
I'm taking your advice and doing the world a favor!
Now, move! Your fur is making my feet sweat!
Pearl, listen to me. I heard you sing.
It was the most beautiful sound I've ever heard.
Sure. Warbling for Vicks VapoRub and Dippity-Do!
No. I mean...
Stop trying to talk me out of it! I'm a pathetic sellout!
No one who sings Carmen like you is pathetic!
What?
I heard you sing Habanera.
You were sublime.
You liked my aria?
I was overwhelmed.
You're the first person who ever complimented my Habanera. Thank you.
I had better get going.
I'll see you tomorrow.
But you're not scheduled tomorrow.
I know.
[Cheerful instrumental music]
And then the cow came out of the barn. See? See, look. There's the cow.
And what does a cow say?
Yes, that's right.
A cow says "peep-peep-peep-peep."
Peter, they're getting awfully big.
So?
So, every good mother knows when it's time for her babies to leave the nest.
They're free to go anytime they want!
Fine. I'll let them go.
[Final notes of Ave Maria]
Pearl, do you rent or own?
Own what?
Those wings, you angel.
That was fantastic. That was so incredible.
PEARL: So, what do you want for dinner?
I was thinking about making that lamb and rice you love.
Pearl, what I'd really like for dinner is to go out.
Brian, you know I can't do that. I haven't left this house in such a long time.
I'm afraid.
I know. But I'll be with you.
I don't know.
Come on, Pearl. There's so much you've missed in the last 30 years.
In fact, allow me to fill you in.
[Singing] "The '60s brought the hippie breed
"And decades later, things have changed indeed
"We lost the values, but we kept the weed
"You've got a lot to see
"The Reagan years have laid the frame
"for movie stars to play the White House game
"We're not too far from voting Feldman-Haim
"You've got a lot to see
"The town of Vegas has got a different face
"The town of Vegas has got a different face
"because it's a family place with lots to do
"Where in the '50s, a man could mingle with scores of all the seediest whores
"Now his children can, too
"You heard it from the canine's mouth
"The country's changed, that is, except the South
"You'll agree
"No one really knows, my dear lady friend
"just quite how it all will end
"So, hurry 'cause you've got a lot to see
"The baldness gene was cause for dread
"but that's a fear that you can put to bed
"They'll shave your ass and glue it on your head
"You've got a lot to see
"The PC age has moved the bar
"A word like 'redneck' is a step too far
"The proper term is 'country-music star'
"You've got a lot to see
"Our flashy cell phones make people mumble
"'Gee whiz, look how important he is, his life must rule'
"You'll get a tumor
"But on your surgery day, the doc will see it and say
"'Wow, you must really be cool"'
There's lots of things you missed.
Like Pee Wee and his famous wrist.
Or Sandy Duncan's creepy phony eye.
That awesome Thunder Cats cartoon.
Neil Armstrong landing on the moon.
Neil Armstrong? Was he the trumpet guy?
"So, let's go see the USA
"They'll treat you right unless you're black or gay or Cherokee
"But you can forgive the world and its flaws
"and follow me there because
"you've still got a hell of a lot
"to see
"You've got a lot
"to see"
PEARL: Brian, I've missed so much!
I wouldn't be standing here right now if it wasn't for you!
She's right in here. Just tell the disorderly when you're ready to leave.
Don't you mean the "orderly"?
No, the disorderly.
That's a little doctor joke we like to make.
We also like Kevin Pollack.
My God, Pearl!
Brian, I don't have much time.
I never should have made you leave the house! This is all my fault!
Don't be so hard on yourself.
Aside from the truck part, this was the best day of my life.
I only wish we could have a little more time together.
We can.
[Sentimental instrumental music]
Good-bye, kids.
[Heart monitor flatline]
Good-bye, Pearl.
Who wants to see a dead body?
Rough week, huh?
I've seen better.
Brian, looks like somebody's checking you out.
I'm not ready yet.
You're getting some looks yourself.
I'm not ready either.
[Theme music]

Latest new forum threads

    new Planet Family Guy website | Damn You All

    Switch to wide layout

    Switch to narrow layout