| Lois Griffin | [Singing] "It seems today that all you see |
| Lois Griffin | "is violence in movies and sex on TV |
| Peter Griffin | "But where are those good, old-fashioned values |
| Peter Griffin | "on which we used to rely? |
| All | "Lucky there's a family guy |
| All | "Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you |
| All | "all the things that make us |
| Stewie Griffin | "laugh 'n' cry |
| All | "He's a family guy" |
| Mort Goldman | On the whole, I enjoy my job as a pharmacist. |
| Mort Goldman | In fact, many of my customers are your mommies and daddies. |
| Mort Goldman | Jimmy Hopkins, your mother had awful postpartum depression after your birth. |
| Mort Goldman | Danielle, your father had very bad hemorrhoids that stung him unmerciful. |
| Mort Goldman | They were awful. |
| Mort Goldman | They were like stinky little balloons. |
| Mort Goldman | I gave him some special ointment and he hurt so bad that he had to apply it in the car with his sock. |
| Mort Goldman | Thank you. |
| Boy | Cool! I want to be a pharmacist! |
| Boy 2 | Yeah! |
| Teacher | Thank you, Mr. Goldman. Our final speaker is Mr. Peter Griffin. |
| Class | [Cheering] |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, kids! You know what I do? |
| Peter Griffin | I work at a toy factory and you know what I do there? |
| Boy | I bet you're a low-level assembly-line guy who stands there all day screwing heads on dolls. |
| Boy | "Is it on straight? I don't know." |
| Boy | [Booing] |
| Peter Griffin | Why, you little snot-nosed... |
| Teacher | Mr. Griffin! |
| Teacher | [Whispering] He plays kickball in the park. Get him there. |
| Teacher | Does anyone have any questions for Mr. Griffin? |
| Boy | Yeah. Can we listen to the claims adjuster again? |
| Class | [Cheering] |
| Tom Tucker | TOM: Welcome back to Quahog 5 News. |
| Tom Tucker | Here's OIlie Williams with the "Blaccuweather" Forecast. |
| Tom Tucker | OIlie? |
| Ollie Williams | It's gonna rain! |
| Tom Tucker | Thanks. Finally, we go live to Asian reporter Trisha Takanawa interviewing a guy from the upcoming Renaissance Faire. |
| Trishia Takanawa | Thanks, Tom. |
| Trishia Takanawa | Sir, for those who aren't familiar with the tradition can you tell us about the Renaissance Faire? |
| Man | Yea. But first, bride of Genghis thou must explainest thy very peculiar electronic wand. |
| Stewie Griffin | Rupert, are you ready to hear our Mad Lib? |
| Stewie Griffin | [Clears throat] |
| Stewie Griffin | "Cinderella had three wicked step watermelons... |
| Stewie Griffin | "...who were very smelly to her. |
| Stewie Griffin | "So, her fairy god toilet turned her pumpkin into a fanny... |
| Stewie Griffin | "...and sent her off to the poop." |
| Stewie Griffin | [Laughing] |
| Stewie Griffin | How ruthlessly absurd! |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, how was your big presentation at Chris' class? |
| Peter Griffin | It was a huge waste of time. |
| Lois Griffin | It couldn't have been that bad. |
| Peter Griffin | It was terrible. |
| Peter Griffin | Everyone else there had an important job and was way more successful than me. |
| Brian Griffin | Come on, you have a great job. |
| Stewie Griffin | Yeah... |
| Stewie Griffin | [Stuttering] |
| Stewie Griffin | You're doing good. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, if you're not satisfied, then be more assertive. |
| Lois Griffin | Invite Mr. Weed for dinner to show him what you have to offer the company. |
| Peter Griffin | I guess I could. I just hope it goes okay. We've had bad luck with dinner guests. |
| Peter Griffin | Remember when Margot Kidder was here? |
| Lois Griffin | We loved you in the Superman movies. You were just wonderful. |
| Margot Kidder | [Screaming] |
| Peter Griffin | Mr. Weed, I was wondering if you'd like to come over for dinner Friday night. |
| Peter Griffin | That wasn't so hard. |
| Mr. Weed | WEED: Well, what time? |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: I don't know. 7:30, 8:00? |
| Mr. Weed | Fabulous! What shall I bring? |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, calm down. Everything's gonna be fine. |
| Peter Griffin | I hope so. If I blow this, I'll have to go back to my job at the electric company. |
| Man | MAN: D. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Ot. |
| Both | Dot. |
| Man | MAN: B. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Et. |
| Man | MAN: Bet. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Bet. I knew that. Slow down. |
| Man | MAN: P. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: It. |
| Man | MAN: Pit. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Come on. It's my first day. |
| Man | MAN: F. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: At. |
| Man | MAN: Fat. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: That's it, buddy! |
| Peter Griffin | [Fighting] |
| [Doorbell rings] |
| Peter Griffin | That must be him. |
| Peter Griffin | God! I hope I don't get nervous and lose control of the volume of my voice. |
| Mr. Weed | Hello, Peter. How are you? |
| Peter Griffin | [Yelling] Fine! |
| Peter Griffin | [Quietly] Please come in. |
| Lois Griffin | It's so nice to have you over, Mr. Weed. |
| Mr. Weed | Thank you, Mrs. Griffin. I understand that you have a beautiful family. |
| Lois Griffin | We do, but the children won't be joining us for dinner. It's almost their bedtime. |
| Peter Griffin | [BIowing whistle] |
| Peter Griffin | State your names. |
| Meg Griffin | Meg! |
| Chris Griffin | Chris! |
| Stewie Griffin | And I'm Liesl. |
| Peter Griffin | Mr. Weed, the Griffin children would like to say goodnight to you. |
| [Cheerful instrumental music] |
| Mr. Weed | Who would think a woman with such beauty would have the culinary skills of Emeril Lagasse? |
| Lois Griffin | Thank you. Bam! |
| Mr. Weed | [Laughing] |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, don't you have something to say to Mr. Weed? |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah. |
| Peter Griffin | Mr. Weed, I don't care what the guys at work say. |
| Peter Griffin | I never thought you were an effeminate weirdo. |
| Brian Griffin | So, what kind of a name is Weed? |
| Mr. Weed | They gave it to my grandfather on Ellis Island. |
| Mr. Weed | Our real name was Bermuda Grass. |
| Mr. Weed | Peter, being here with your wonderful family, your beautiful home and your funny, talking dog, well, I'm impressed. |
| Mr. Weed | In fact, starting Monday, I would like to promote you to Head of Toy Development. |
| Peter Griffin | Holy crap! Thanks, Mr. Weed! You won't be sorry. |
| Peter Griffin | Brian, quit it. You're embarrassing me here. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, Brian's choking! Do the Heimlich maneuver quick! |
| Mr. Weed | [Choking] |
| Brian Griffin | He's dead. |
| Lois Griffin | [Gasping] |
| Margot Kidder | [Screaming] |
| Margot Kidder | I forgot my purse. |
| Peter Griffin | All right, let's not panic. Nobody even knows about this yet. |
| Death | MAN: Police! Random dead-body search! |
| Peter Griffin | My God, Lois! Stall them! |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, what are you doing? |
| Peter Griffin | Just stall them, Lois! |
| Death | [Laughing] |
| Death | DEATH: Got ya! It's just me, Death. I'm here for the body. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, it's okay. It's just Death. |
| Peter Griffin | Thank God! |
| Deaths Dog | DOG: Did someone choke on a roll in here? |
| Brian Griffin | BRIAN: No. I spit it up. |
| Tom Tucker | Recapping our top story. Doreen, I lost your phone number. |
| Tom Tucker | We met at the Sky Lounge last night. Please call me. |
| Diane Simmons | In other news, toy industrialist Jonathan Weed was found dead in the home of an employee who claims Weed choked on a dinner roll. |
| Diane Simmons | No charges will be filed against the employee but the roll has been taken into custody. |
| [Somber instrumental music] |
| Stewie Griffin | I'd do her. Do her. |
| Stewie Griffin | Wouldn't do her. Who hasn't done her? Do her. |
| Stewie Griffin | Lose the pigtails and we'll talk. |
| Stewie Griffin | Do her. |
| Peter Griffin | Now, the last man to see Jonathan Weed alive has offered to say a few words. |
| Peter Griffin | Good afternoon, everyone. |
| Peter Griffin | As you know, we of the Christian faith believe that Jesus is not really dead but that he must let the world think that he is dead until he can find a way to control the raging spirit that dwells within him. |
| Peter Griffin | [Peter humming ominous music] |
| Peter Griffin | Anyway, right before he died, Mr. Weed promoted me to Head of Development. |
| Peter Griffin | I've brought my attorney who confirms that this constitutes a verbal contract. |
| Peter Griffin | Isn't that right, Saul? "Yes, sir. Verbal contract." Thank you. |
| Leonard Hale | HALE: Glad to see you all found your way from the cemetery. |
| Leonard Hale | I'm Leonard Hale, Mr. Weed's lawyer. |
| Leonard Hale | We found this tape among Mr. Weed's personal effects with instructions that it be screened immediately after his funeral. |
| Leonard Hale | Enjoy. |
| Cameraman | CAMERAMAN: Good morning. Camera time. |
| Mr. Weed | Turn it off. I don't have my face on yet. I'm ugly. |
| Cameraman | CAMERAMAN: Tell us what you're making there. |
| Mr. Weed | I will tell you. Just a couple of eggs with the peppers leftover from last night. |
| Mr. Weed | [Smirking] |
| Mr. Weed | Okay, playtime is over. Turn it off, monkey. Okay? |
| Leonard Hale | [Clearing throat] |
| Leonard Hale | [Fast-forwarding tape] |
| Mr. Weed | Hello, friends. If you're watching this, I'm dead and I bet you're pretty bummed. |
| Mr. Weed | But I have good news. |
| Mr. Weed | The Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Factory shall be torn down to make way for the Happy-Go-Lucky Terminal Disease Institute. |
| Peter Griffin | What? |
| Mr. Weed | The demolition will begin in... Now. |
| [Screaming] |
| Counselor | COUNSELOR: We've got your typing test here and the pertinent data about your... |
| Counselor | [Stuttering] |
| Counselor | skills. |
| Peter Griffin | And? |
| Counselor | I got to be honest with you. |
| Counselor | I only have another week and a half here and I have completely checked out. |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah. |
| Peter Griffin | Well, what should I do? |
| Counselor | [Sighs pensively] |
| Counselor | Chef? |
| Peter Griffin | Sorry, we're out of towels. Let me get that for you, sir. |
| Peter Griffin | [BIowing] |
| Man | MAN: I'm supposed to pay $2 for stickers 'cause this guy can't hear? Come on! |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, I might be deaf but I have feelings! |
| Peter Griffin | I mean... |
| Peter Griffin | What? |
| Meg Griffin | Has Dad found a permanent job yet? |
| Lois Griffin | Your father's going through a bit of a career transition. |
| Lois Griffin | He's just sampling a few things, searching for something that fits him just right. |
| Lois Griffin | [Gasping] |
| Brian Griffin | Clearly it's not that tube top. |
| Peter Griffin | Looking for a good time, sweet cheeks? |
| Lois Griffin | Oh, my God! |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, get in the car! |
| Peter Griffin | But it will cost you. What do you want? A Cleveland Steamer? |
| Lois Griffin | I said get in the car! What's a Cleveland Steamer? |
| Brian Griffin | It means that he'Il... |
| Peter Griffin | Be cool. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Yes. You go to Maple Street, and then take a left, and then you go... |
| Peter Griffin | Okay, so you want to party or what? |
| Lois Griffin | Get in this car right now! |
| Simon | It's eerie, isn't it? |
| Simon | Like looking into the future. |
| Rayburn | RAYBURN: Forgetful Freddy was so forgetful... |
| All | ALL: How forgetful was he? |
| Rayburn | He was so forgetful, whenever he tried to remember someone's name he drew a blank. |
| Lois Griffin | God! This is all my fault. |
| Lois Griffin | If I hadn't pushed you to invite Mr. Weed to dinner he'd still be alive and you'd still have your job. |
| Peter Griffin | Don't worry. We'll get through this. We just have to scrimp a little. |
| Peter Griffin | Sell some stuff we don't really need. This'll bring in a couple of bucks. |
| Lois Griffin | Listen to me. When we got married, you always talked about your one dream job. |
| Lois Griffin | Remember? |
| Lois Griffin | And you put that dream aside in order to provide for this family. |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah? |
| Lois Griffin | Well, I've saved some money from teaching piano. |
| Lois Griffin | I say this is the perfect time for you to pursue that dream. |
| Peter Griffin | Really? |
| Lois Griffin | Yes! |
| Peter Griffin | You know, since money's getting tight, I was gonna suggest that we eat the kids. |
| Peter Griffin | Jokingly at first, but then I was gonna gauge your reaction and if you were cool with it, we would go from there. This is a much better idea. |
| Peter Griffin | I'm going to do it, Lois. I'm going to realize my dream! |
| Peter Griffin | I'm going to be a Renaissance Faire jouster! |
| Lois Griffin | Peter! |
| Meg Griffin | [Screaming] |
| Lois Griffin | This is so exciting! My little jouster's first day. |
| Lois Griffin | Here's your lunch. |
| Peter Griffin | Thanks, honey. |
| Peter Griffin | Egg salad? |
| Lois Griffin | Have a good time. |
| Peter Griffin | I'll try. |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, Mort. |
| Mort Goldman | God! Don't hurt me! |
| Mort Goldman | Hi, Peter. |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, you gonna be a jouster, too? |
| Mort Goldman | Yes. |
| Mort Goldman | I'm trying to overcome my fear of swords 'cause a man in a pirate suit stabbed me in the ear when I was 5, and then again when I was 30. |
| Mort Goldman | What about you? The same? |
| Peter Griffin | Not really. It kinda all goes back to when I was 18. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: I was going through that rebellious phase, and hanging out with a bad crowd. |
| Girl | Here, Peter. Try one of these. |
| Peter Griffin | What is it? |
| Girl | It's a cheeseburger. |
| Kids | [Laughing] |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Now I know it wasn't a cheeseburger but at that time, I was ready to believe anything. |
| Peter Griffin | I didn't know what was going on. |
| Peter Griffin | I wandered around for hours and somehow ended up at the Renaissance Faire. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: I can fly! |
| Black Knight | KNIGHT: My God! |
| Peter Griffin | [Screaming] |
| Peter Griffin | I was saved by the one and only Black Knight of the Quahog Renaissance Faire. |
| Black Knight | KNIGHT: The path to knighthood is paved with strength and nobility not LSD and sideburns. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: And from that moment on, I knew someday I wanted to be a knight like him. |
| Mort Goldman | Mercy! I was once addicted to antihistamines. |
| Mort Goldman | I took so many I thought I was Mr. Peanut. |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah, that's a great story, too. |
| Coach | COACH: You all think you got what it takes to be jousters! |
| Coach | If you're gonna joust, you got to want it! Let me hear your war cry! |
| Mort Goldman | [Feeble cry] |
| Coach | Is that the best you got, you pile of crap? |
| Mort Goldman | Yes. |
| Mort Goldman | From an early age, my parents discouraged loud noises! |
| Coach | You know what you are? You're a candy-ass maggot! |
| Coach | You find something funny, maggot? |
| Man | Sir, no, sir! |
| Coach | You love the Middle Ages, don't you? |
| Man | Sir, yes, sir! |
| Coach | The concept of a geocentric universe gets you sexually excited, doesn't it? |
| Man | Sir, yes, sir! |
| Coach | You want to make 16th century mathematician Kepler your bitch? |
| Man | Sir, yes, sir! |
| Black Knight | KNIGHT: Welcome, apprentices. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: It's him. |
| Coach | Look alive, ladies. Allow me to introduce the best of the best the Black Knight himself! |
| Coach | And this is his trophy wench, Maid Madeleine! |
| [Dinging in each suit of armor] |
| Mort Goldman | Ding. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Excuse me, Mr. Black Knight? |
| Black Knight | KNIGHT: I'm busy. |
| Peter Griffin | I just wanted to thank you. |
| Peter Griffin | I don't know if you remember, but when I was a kid you helped me get my life back on the right path. |
| Black Knight | KNIGHT: Damn it. I'm busy, all right? |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Okay. I'll come back later. |
| Black Knight | KNIGHT: Damn rookies. |
| Mort Goldman | Are all the other men out of the shower yet? |
| Stewie Griffin | STEWIE: Hey, you, porker. |
| Stewie Griffin | I'm calling you a porker and there's nothing you can do about it because I'm protected by my impenetrable cereal-box fort. |
| Stewie Griffin | [Laughing] |
| Stewie Griffin | Hey, you, drunkie. |
| Stewie Griffin | I'm calling you drunkie and there's nothing you can do about it because I'm... |
| Lois Griffin | The toast is ready. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: I'll get it, Lois. |
| Peter Griffin | There you go. |
| Lois Griffin | Maybe you shouldn't bring your lance to the table. |
| Peter Griffin | If I'm gonna impress the Black Knight, my lance must be with me at all times. |
| Peter Griffin | You guys are gonna be so proud when you see me out on that field. |
| Peter Griffin | Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go practice. |
| Meg Griffin | [Screams] |
| Meg Griffin | Oh, my God! My earring! Dad, stop! |
| Mort Goldman | Two mutton joints, please. |
| Man | Thou wishes to feast on the appendage of a humble ovine. |
| Peter Griffin | Listen, you freak. We don't all watch Frasier, okay? Give me two mutton joints. |
| Peter Griffin | Thank you. |
| [Romantic instrumental music] |
| Madeleine | 'Tis a glorious afternoon. Wouldst thou not agree? |
| Peter Griffin | Yea, kind shrew. |
| Peter Griffin | I before thee except after C. |
| Madeleine | Wouldst thou take a gander underneath my frock? |
| Peter Griffin | [Stuttering] |
| Peter Griffin | Whatever floats your boat. |
| Peter Griffin | There you go. |
| Peter Griffin | Frickin' perverts. |
| Black Knight | KNIGHT: Madeleine, go wait in the Hyundai! |
| Black Knight | What were you doing with my girl? |
| Peter Griffin | She walks over here and asks me to put a bird in her panties! |
| Peter Griffin | I'm here going, "What the hell." |
| Mort Goldman | God! Peter, play dead! Curl up in an ass ball or something! |
| Peter Griffin | What's the problem, BK? |
| Black Knight | KNIGHT: I don't like you, your face, and I don't like you hanging around my girl! |
| Black Knight | I don't ever want to see you here again! |
| Peter Griffin | Can we see each other outside the Faire? I'm just trying to understand the rules. |
| Black Knight | KNIGHT: If I see you again, I'll kill you. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Okay, that's much clearer. |
| Mort Goldman | God! I think I just miscarried! |
| Lois Griffin | What are you doing? I spent hours soldering that costume for you. |
| Peter Griffin | I don't need it anymore, Lois. I quit the team. |
| Lois Griffin | Quit the team? |
| Lois Griffin | You can't quit jousting. The big meet is today, and I thought you were... |
| Peter Griffin | Did you just say "big meet"? |
| Lois Griffin | My God! I did. |
| Peter & Lois | [Laughing] |
| Peter Griffin | We almost missed that one. |
| Lois Griffin | I know. That was a close one. |
| Lois Griffin | But I'm being serious here. |
| Lois Griffin | We were all set to come see you joust today. |
| Lois Griffin | You were so excited to be on the same field as the Black Knight. |
| Peter Griffin | I'm gonna be watching it from the stands because the Black Knight is just a big jerk! |
| Peter Griffin | Just like that guy who fixed our vacuum. |
| Repairman | All fixed. Turns out a half-eaten meatball was clogging up the intake. |
| Peter Griffin | Did you save it? |
| Repairman | No. |
| Peter Griffin | You bastard. |
| Diane Simmons | DIANE: It's an exciting day here at the Renaissance Faire jousting meet. |
| Diane Simmons | Wouldn't you say, Tom? |
| Tom Tucker | I'd say it was perfect if you weren't reminding us of our grandmas' cleavage. |
| Tom Tucker | Let's go live to the field where Black Knight is preparing to challenge his next opponent. |
| [Suspenseful instrumental music] |
| [Cheering] |
| Monks | [Chanting popular sports cheer] |
| Stewie Griffin | How're you doing there, big guy? |
| Stewie Griffin | You holding up all right? |
| Stewie Griffin | You want a soda? |
| Stewie Griffin | Screw it. I tried. |
| Man | The Black Knight's next challenger will be Sir Mort Goldman. |
| Mort Goldman | [Grunting] |
| Mort Goldman | MORT: God! I forfeit! |
| Tom Tucker | TOM: That's it, folks. |
| Tom Tucker | It looks like the Black Knight is out of challengers and is undefeated. |
| Black Knight | KNIGHT: What's your fat ass doing here? |
| Man | MAN: He's my only means of conveyance. |
| Man | But I guess I do spoil him. |
| Black Knight | KNIGHT: Clearly you do. And what are you doing here, Griffin? |
| Black Knight | I told you never to show your face here again! |
| Peter Griffin | We're just watching. I don't want any trouble. |
| Black Knight | KNIGHT: You've got trouble if you don't beat it. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Listen, buddy... |
| Black Knight | KNIGHT: I said get lost! |
| Meg Griffin | MEG: Where's he going? |
| Chris Griffin | CHRIS: Dad! |
| Lois Griffin | Let him go, kids. |
| Black Knight | KNIGHT: You see that, kids? Your father is nothing but a fizzle! |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Nobody calls me a fizzle and gets away with it! |
| [Heroic instrumental music] |
| Peter Griffin | Except that one guy who called me a fizzle and then ran off. He got away with it. |
| Peter Griffin | But most people who call me a fizzle don't get away with it. |
| Peter Griffin | Actually, that guy who did was the only one who ever called me a fizzle. |
| Peter Griffin | After today only half the people who ever called me a fizzle will have gotten away with it. |
| Tom Tucker | It appears a new challenger has entered the field. |
| Tom Tucker | The crowd has fallen deathly ill, silent. Sorry. |
| [Suspenseful instrumental music] |
| Peter Griffin | My God! I'm gonna die! |
| Tom Tucker | To the owner of a yellow Hyundai, your car is being towed. |
| Black Knight | KNIGHT: What? |
| Peter Griffin | I won! |
| [Cheering] |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, that was amazing. You were so brave. |
| Chris Griffin | Nice going, Dad. |
| Peter Griffin | Boy! That was lucky about the car, huh? |
| Mort Goldman | MORT: Take that, you bastard! Nobody makes a fool out of Mort Goldman! |
| Coach | Spectacular performance, maggot! |
| Coach | How would you like to come on the road with us as our lead jouster? |
| Peter Griffin | Thanks, but no thanks, Coach. I've lived my dream. |
| Peter Griffin | And besides, my life is here with my family. |
| Chris Griffin | CHRIS: But what's Dad gonna do for a job? |
| Lois Griffin | It'll be okay, Chris. |
| Lois Griffin | Remember that episode of The Honeymooners when Ralph lost his job but didn't get it back at the show's end? |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: What was up with that? That bugged the crap out of me. |
| [Medieval theme music] |