| Lois Griffin | [Singing] "It seems today that all you see |
| Lois Griffin | "is violence in movies and sex on TV |
| Peter Griffin | "But where are those good, old-fashioned values |
| Peter Griffin | "on which we used to rely? |
| All | "Lucky there's a family guy |
| All | "Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you |
| All | "all the things that make us |
| Stewie Griffin | "laugh 'n' cry |
| All | "He's a family guy" |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, this is ridiculous. I know you're upset about losing your job, but you've been on that couch for two weeks. - I have not, Lois. |
| Brian Griffin | He's right. It's actually been more like... Yeah. 13 days. |
| Lois Griffin | You must do something other than sitting there eating. |
| Peter Griffin | All right, all right. Brian, let's go for a walk. |
| [Forklift beeping] |
| Meg Griffin | [Sobbing] |
| Lois Griffin | Meg, sweetheart, what's wrong? |
| Meg Griffin | My life. That's what's wrong. I was totally humiliated at school today. |
| Mr. Berler | Okay, we're gonna do a little informal survey here, kids. |
| Mr. Berler | Would those of you going away for spring break please move to the left of the room? |
| Mr. Berler | [Repeats request in Spanish] |
| Lois Griffin | Meg, what do those kids know? |
| Meg Griffin | They know how to have a good time. |
| Lois Griffin | So do we. I'll tell you what. How about you and I have our own little spring break? We'll go to that fancy new spa that just opened up in Warwick. |
| Lois Griffin | Massages and facials. It'll be great. What do you say? |
| Meg Griffin | I guess it couldn't be worse than last year when we all went to Sea World. |
| Lois Griffin | [Laughing] |
| Peter Griffin | And how long has this been going on? |
| Peter Griffin | Lois is right. I've been out of work too long. |
| Brian Griffin | I think you should find something you really enjoy doing. |
| Brian Griffin | Take those guys out there, for example. |
| Peter Griffin | Where? |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, yeah. Now, that's a job. Fresh sea air, working outside. |
| Peter Griffin | That's how a real New England man makes a living. |
| Brian Griffin | Maybe that's something to think about. |
| Jake Tucker | What's that, Daddy? |
| Tom Tucker | That's Mercury, Jake. The planet closest to the sun. |
| Tom Tucker | What it's doing down here, I haven't the foggiest. |
| Tom Tucker | We should probably ask a scientist... |
| Peter Griffin | I'm a guy, you jackass! |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah, that feels good. |
| Lois Griffin | Chris, don't forget to mist under his chins. |
| Stewie Griffin | Oh, boy, Lois! It's a real mess down there. |
| Stewie Griffin | I'm afraid I won't be able to do this in the time I quoted you earlier. |
| Peter Griffin | Chris, shut the hose off for a second. Everybody, I have an announcement. |
| Peter Griffin | I am gonna drop this weight and rejoin the workforce. |
| Peter Griffin | I have decided to become a professional fisherman. |
| Lois Griffin | What? Why a fisherman? |
| Peter Griffin | It makes perfect sense, Lois. |
| Peter Griffin | You know how much time I've spent on the ocean. |
| Peter Griffin | Wilson! What are we gonna do now? |
| Voit | BALL: My name is Voit, dumb ass. |
| Stewie Griffin | Hello, Doreen? Yeah, I'm still over at the Griffin job. |
| Stewie Griffin | Tell Walter I'm not going to be able to make it to the construction site. |
| Stewie Griffin | I don't know. Have him send Frank, or Glen, or Harelip Steve. |
| Stewie Griffin | I know, it creeps me out, too. |
| Peter Griffin | So you think I can find a boat here, Joe? |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah. You wouldn't believe what we confiscate from these crooks. |
| Auctioneer | Welcome. We open today's bidding with this pair of panties... |
| Auctioneer | ... confiscated from a prostitute. |
| Quagmire | $50! |
| Auctioneer | She had nine STDs. |
| Quagmire | $45. |
| Auctioneer | And when we caught her, she wet herself. |
| Quagmire | $50. |
| Cleveland | Excuse me. Are you gonna sell anything that's not gross? |
| Auctioneer | And now our next item. |
| Auctioneer | Direct your attention to this photo of a beautiful 40-foot fishing boat. |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, man! That's perfect! |
| Man | $12,000! |
| Peter Griffin | $13,000! |
| Man | $25,000! |
| Peter Griffin | [Whimpering] |
| Auctioneer | Sold for $25,000! |
| Auctioneer | Yes! |
| Peter Griffin | Crap! |
| Man | Thanks. |
| Auctioneer | And now the actual boat itself. Do I have an opening bid for the boat? |
| Peter Griffin | $50,000! |
| Auctioneer | Sold for $50,000! |
| Chris Griffin | Good for you, Peter. |
| [Applause] |
| [One person clapping] |
| Fisherman | Congratulations. You've just bought yourself a cursed boat. |
| Peter Griffin | Cursed? |
| Fisherman | The last captain of that vessel lost his life. And it weren't no accident! |
| Fisherman | His name was Salty. And he was devoured by Daggermouth, the man-eating blowfish. |
| Fisherman | You want to buy that boat? Go ahead. But don't expect me to fish your dead body from an angry sea that gave you fair warning. |
| Peter Griffin | Are you up for bids, too? You are just precious. |
| Lois Griffin | Are you gonna miss me? |
| Peter Griffin | Only until I go to the newsstand and buy a Hustler. |
| Lois Griffin | I left you the number for the spa. See you in a few days. |
| Meg Griffin | Not if I strangle myself with a seaweed wrap and die. |
| Peter Griffin | You are dark! |
| Joe Swanson | You haven't said how you expect to pay for that boat. |
| Peter Griffin | Don't worry. There's got to be 100 banks that'll give me a loan. |
| [Gunfire and screaming] |
| Peter Griffin | Wow! So, you can really give me a loan? |
| Jim Kaplan | I sure can. You see, what sets us apart from other banks is that other banks are banks. Now, I trust you have collateral. |
| Peter Griffin | I got three kids. |
| Jim Kaplan | I'll take them. Just kidding. Or maybe I'm not. Sign this. |
| Jim Kaplan | Here you go. Good luck! |
| [Bell ringing] |
| Jim Kaplan | So, what do you want on your thigh? |
| Biker | I want a skull. |
| Jim Kaplan | Okay. I can draw Kermit the Frog. How about a nice Kermit the Frog? |
| Biker | No. I want a skull. |
| Jim Kaplan | I'm gonna go ahead and do Kermit the Frog. |
| Meg Griffin | MEG: Mom, this is so lame. |
| Lois Griffin | Come on, Meg. Try to have fun. |
| Lois Griffin | I promise after a few days here you won't even remember the words "spring break". |
| Lois Griffin | How about some TV? |
| VJ | This is MTV and we're rocking at spring break! |
| VJ | This is VH1 and we're rocking at spring break. |
| ? | keeping it real and kicking ass at spring break! |
| Meg | [Meg sighing] |
| Peter Griffin | There she is, boys. The S.S. More Powerful than Superman, Batman, Spiderman, and the Incredible Hulk Put Together. |
| Hennessey | Yes, she's a fine vessel. Welcome to the wharf. Name's Hennessey. |
| Peter Griffin | Hi there. Peter Griffin. My friends call me Peter for short. |
| Hennessey | I'll tell you a little secret, neighbor. |
| Hennessey | The best fishing is at latitude 42, longitude 71. Keep that to yourself. |
| Peter Griffin | Wow! Thanks. I'll see you, fellows. I got some fish to catch. |
| Peter Griffin | Let's see. Latitude 42, longitude 71. This is it. What the hell? |
| Boy | Papa, he killed Mordecai the Dancing Yiddish Clown! |
| Father | Stop crying! You just became a man. Now, act like one! |
| Peter Griffin | Hennessey, what's the big idea sending me to that Bar Mitzvah? |
| Hennessey | Because I don't like you! And I don't like your face! |
| Hennessey | We don't need any more fishermen crowding up this wharf! |
| Peter Griffin | Fine, Hennessey! You want an enemy, you got one! |
| Hennessey | Fine! |
| Stewie Griffin | There we are. |
| Stewie Griffin | Steve, you ever think of growing a moustache? |
| Hennessey | Nice fish you got there, Griffin. What are you selling? Your bait? |
| Peter Griffin | Nice face, Hennessey. Yes! Me, one. You, zero. |
| Man | Wow! How do you do it? |
| Peter Griffin | You're very nice to ask. |
| Peter Griffin | First I hang the old worm out there. They usually go for it. |
| Peter Griffin | I jerk them around a little. They fight for a while. |
| Peter Griffin | And then they just lay back and accept it. |
| Man | How about we get together later? |
| Peter Griffin | Okay. |
| Peter Griffin | What the hell? Damn it! |
| Peter Griffin | What's going on here? |
| Brian Griffin | Peter, did you read the fine print on this loan contract? |
| Peter Griffin | If by "read" you mean "imagined a naked lady," then yes. |
| Brian Griffin | Listen, the bank's taking all our stuff. And according to this if you don't pay within 48 hours, they get the house, too. |
| Chris Griffin | Oh, boy! I get to go live at the bank! |
| Lois Griffin | Did I ever tell you that if you take an antibiotic while on birth control it makes it not work? Because no one told me. |
| Lois Griffin | I thought you should know. |
| Meg Griffin | Look, I don't really feel like talking right now. Okay? |
| Lois Griffin | Fine. I just don't understand why we had to leave the spa so early. |
| Meg Griffin | I just want to spend the next three days in solitary confinement where I belong! |
| Lois Griffin | [Lois sighing] |
| Lois Griffin | I tried. |
| Meg Griffin | MEG: Mom, what the hell are we doing here? |
| Lois Griffin | This is where you wanted to be. Right, honey? |
| Meg Griffin | Yeah. But not with you! |
| Spring Breaker | Did you hear what happened to the dude from UMass? |
| Spring Breaker | He got so drunk he fell off his hotel balcony! He's in a coma! |
| Spring Breaker 2 | Oh, man! I want to party with him! |
| Spring Breaker | You know it! Yeah! |
| Spring Breakers | [Intense hollering] |
| ? | Hey, look. Meg made it, you guys. |
| ? | Yeah. And she brought her mommy. |
| Meg Griffin | Oh, my God! |
| Lois Griffin | Come on, Meg! Get out of the car! |
| Lois Griffin | Like the kids say, up your nose with a rubber hose! |
| Spring Breaker | Hey, look, everybody. It's Spuds MacKenzie! |
| Spring Breaker | [Screaming] |
| Brian Griffin | That's the last of the furniture. |
| Peter Griffin | No TV. |
| Peter Griffin | I miss my friends. John Ritter, and Florence Henderson, and Alfonso Ribeiro. |
| Brian Griffin | Is he the guy from Silver Spoons? |
| Peter Griffin | No, he was on French Prince of Bel-Air. |
| Brian Griffin | Fresh Prince. |
| Peter Griffin | Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. |
| Peter Griffin | But I don't know if he was also on... Hey, Alfonso. |
| Alfonso Ribeiro | Yeah? |
| Peter Griffin | Were you on Silver Spoons? |
| Alfonso Ribeiro | Yes, I was. |
| Peter Griffin | There you go. |
| Lois Griffin | Come on. Just a little higher, honey. |
| Meg Griffin | MEG: Mom, I don't think I can... |
| Spring Breaker | Who's holding Lois? |
| Spring Breaker 2 | I don't know. Some dude named Mel. |
| Carson Daly | This is Carson Daly. And we're live here at spring break. |
| Carson Daly | Who wants to party? |
| Carson Daly | Okay, one, two, three, four, five... |
| Carson Daly | Okay, we're gonna need cake and juice for 14 people. |
| Carson Daly | All right, now let's go to Tom Green who's gonna do something really outrageous! |
| Tom Green | Does anyone out there like me yet? Can I stop this? |
| Peter Griffin | What the hell are you doing in my house? |
| Jim | Your house? This is my house. My wife and I bought it from the bank. |
| Peter Griffin | I still got another day to pay back the loan. |
| Jim | They said it wouldn't matter because you're a fat deadbeat loser. |
| Peter Griffin | Fat deadbeat loser? |
| Peter Griffin | While I may not agree with what you say, I'll defend to the death your right to say it. |
| Abby | There we are. It's a van Gogh print. Isn't it beautiful? |
| Stewie Griffin | I've often fantasized about what this house would be like with more culture. |
| The port is quite good. |
| Quite good. |
| Indeed. |
| Most certainly. |
| What year is it? |
| '51. |
| Delectable. |
| Indeed. |
| Oh, dear! |
| What is it? |
| I spontaneously combusted. |
| Sorry. |
| It's okay. I'm tired of living. |
| Very good then. |
| For the best. |
| Yes, indeed. |
| Is it raining again? |
| Did you hear the one about us? |
| Wow! You are such a good dancer. |
| Way to go on that beer bong. |
| Yeah, no fake. No fake. |
| Mom! |
| Hi! What are you doing here? |
| What am I doing here? I've been waiting out here for hours! |
| What? |
| You were supposed to pop inside and find someone who looked enough like me so I could use their ID. |
| And then you were supposed to come out and give me the ID so I could get inside. |
| What? |
| God, it's like talking to a 3-year-old! |
| You know what? You need to learn how to loosen up a little, toots. |
| I get the feeling you're loose enough for us both. |
| What? |
| Nothing. |
| That's right nothing. Don't you sass me! |
| [Phone ringing] |
| Good evening. Stevenson residence. |
| Chris, honey, we've been over this a thousand times. It's pronounced "Griffin." |
| Hi, Mom! |
| Hi, Chris. Put your father on. |
| Hey, Dad? |
| And the French guy says, "Deodorant? What's that?" |
| All right. All right. I've got one. I've got one. Okay. |
| Two men are standing at the Pearly Gates. Oh, God, wait! How did that one go? |
| Anyway, it turns out they're Siegfried and Roy. I'm no good at telling jokes. |
| Dad, it's Mom. |
| Oh, God! Please be Somerset Maugham. Please be Somerset Maugham. Hello? |
| Peter? |
| Damn! |
| I was just calling to check in with my boys, see how you are doing. |
| We're fine. |
| What's all the noise? |
| Nothing. Nothing. |
| Peter, can you take out the trash? |
| Okay, Lois! Lois, I got to go! |
| Holy crap! What am I gonna do? Lois is gonna be home in a couple of days and we get kicked out of the house tomorrow. |
| What do you suggest? |
| Get out your ring. |
| Peter, that's not gonna... |
| Come on! |
| Wonder Twin powers, activate! |
| Form of steam! |
| Peter, we got these in a box of Franken Berry. |
| A jackal! Jackal! It's a jackal! It looks like a jackal! Jackal? It's a jackal! |
| Time! |
| It wasn't right the first time! |
| Why the hell would it be right the next 10 times? |
| STEWIE: God! |
| Oh, man, I am screwed! I'm gonna lose my house, and my boat, and everything. |
| How am I gonna come up with $50,000 by tomorrow? |
| You could whore yourself out to 1,000 fat chicks for $50 apiece. |
| Or 50 really fat chicks for $1,000. What? |
| Don't look at me like that. Fat chicks need love, too. |
| But they got to pay. |
| What is this? |
| Sea water, courtesy of that gentleman over there. |
| You need $50,000, Griffin? I got a suggestion for you. |
| Why don't you kill Daggermouth? |
| Maybe I will, Hennessey. |
| SHAMUS: You'd be buying yourself a ticket to a watery grave. |
| Daggermouth is the most ruthless creature that's ever inhabited the sea. |
| They say he dwells by Fish Stench Cove. He'll kill any man that comes near there. |
| I saw him once. Sure I'm blind in one eye, and my other eye was infected that day from picking at it, and I was tired, and I'd been swimming in a pool with too much chlorine, and that was the hour my glasses were at Lenscrafters but I seen that fish! |
| If there's $50,000 in it, I don't think I got a choice. |
| You can whore yourself out to 1,000 fat chicks for $50. |
| We covered that. |
| You ain't got a chance, Griffin. |
| Daggermouth killed my friend Salty. And he was twice the fisherman you are. |
| And half the weight! |
| No! Hot! |
| He's right. It'd be suicide to go after that fish. There must be another way. |
| We could have a bake sale. |
| Now, see? I think that's a neat idea. |
| No! I am not gonna let my family live on the street. |
| Not even if it means ending up like Shamus. |
| If you'll excuse me, I have a date with destiny. |
| Were you in an accident, or what? |
| No. Me father was a tree. |
| What's wrong with me? I got to be crazy to think I can kill that man-eating fish. |
| I mean, what the hell am I doing? |
| Come on, Peter. What kind of talk is that? |
| Yeah, you can do it. |
| Who's my big brave boy, huh? |
| Me. |
| Who's my big brave boy? |
| Me. |
| [Abby blowing raspberries] |
| [Rock music playing] |
| This sucks, Mom. |
| Meg, stop moping. |
| These are the best years of your life. Now, let's get up there and live a little. |
| Mom, I look like an idiot! |
| No, you don't. Come on. Just move your hips a little like this. |
| [Chanting] Lois! Lois! Lois! |
| Meg! Meg! |
| ALL: Meg! Meg! |
| Atta girl! Shake your moneymaker! |
| Oh, my God! It's a chick! |
| [Repeating in Spanish] |
| All right, everybody! This party's over! |
| Why do you cops always have to kill our buzz? |
| He used a teenage colloquialism. Get the tear gas. |
| [Screaming] |
| JOE: Not so fast, big guy. |
| PETER: What are you guys doing here? |
| We're gonna help you kill the fish. |
| But this is gonna be dangerous. We could all die. |
| Come on. You're our best friend, Peter. |
| Besides, I remember a time when you saved all our butts. |
| Too bad I didn't get there until after the sodomy. |
| All right, let's go kick some fish ass! |
| [Lively cheering] |
| [Siren wailing] |
| I can't believe I just showed everyone my tater tots. |
| Worst of all, now I'm gonna have a police record. |
| If you're gonna grab ahold of life, you've gotta expect to get your hands dirty once in a while. - It was kind of cool that people noticed me. |
| That's the spirit, honey. Okay, one, two, three, tuck and roll! |
| We're right on course, guys. Give me another beer. |
| These are the precious moments. The four of us out at sea, miles away from civilization, tossing back brews. |
| PETER: Amen to that, kiddo. You guys, here's one for you. |
| Let's say none of us were married, all right? |
| If you could have any woman in the world, who would it be? |
| JOE: Mariel Hemingway. |
| PETER: Come on. Really? |
| CLEVELAND: Not a good choice. |
| QUAGMIRE: She's jagged. |
| No. I think she's very attractive in a classical kind of way. |
| But you could cut a roast on her face. |
| CLEVELAND: I'd pick Margaret Thatcher. |
| ALL: Margaret Thatcher? |
| PETER: Why the hell Margaret Thatcher? |
| So nobody here thinks power is sexy? Not one of you finds power sexy? |
| How about you, Peter? |
| Like you got to ask. |
| The chick with three knockers from Total Recall. |
| Interesting. |
| I never saw that film. |
| You know one was papier-mGchT, right? |
| Can I change my answer? Of course I know it's paper! I don't care! |
| What's wrong with you? What about you, Quagmire? |
| Taylor Hanson. |
| Taylor Hanson's a guy. |
| You guys are yanking me. Let's put one over on old Quagmire. |
| No, he's actually a guy, Quagmire. |
| This is insane! That's impossible! |
| Oh, my God, I can't... Oh, God! |
| I got all these magazines. Oh, God! |
| [Suspenseful instrumental music] |
| [Joe gasping] |
| JOE: This must be Fish Stench Cove. |
| All right. Now all we got to do is find the fish. |
| MAN: I wonder where that fish did go. |
| A fish, a fish, a fishy, oh. |
| I heard that when Daggermouth eats you, he devours your guts first. |
| I heard he doesn't just eat you, he eats your soul! |
| I heard one of Shannen Doherty's eyes is off-center 'cause it's trying to escape! |
| DAGGERMOUTH: Welcome, gentlemen! |
| It's him! Quick, shoot him! |
| Not so fast! Perhaps I could offer you a glass of port. |
| And you a glass of starboard. That's a little nautical joke. |
| I'm a fish, you see. I'm also delightfully mad. |
| Would you mind holding still for a moment? |
| These antique pistols take about ten minutes to reload. |
| Peter, catch! |
| Don't throw stuff at me, Joe! |
| Peter, shoot him! |
| Oh, yeah. Right. |
| My God! Isn't it amazing that that's what we all look like on the inside? |
| It's a robot, you idiot. |
| Who are you? |
| I'm Salty. |
| Salty? But everybody said you were killed by that fish. |
| That's what I wanted them to think. |
| I disappeared and spread the Daggermouth rumor myself. |
| Why? |
| Merchandise! Daggermouth t-shirts, mugs, posters. I'm in talks with Nickelodeon for a cartoon show. Figured I'd pair him with an effeminate cat. What do you think? |
| I'd watch that. |
| Sure. |
| Me, too. |
| Sounds like a good balance. |
| And now I'm gonna give you $50,000 to be on your way. |
| $50,000 for what? |
| To keep your mouth shut! Because the longer we stay here the more people'll question how a fisherman with no engineering background managed to build a sophisticated talking fish robot. |
| Honey, I'm really sorry for how I acted. Getting so drunk, and ditching you at the bar and letting those boys take pictures of you while you were asleep. |
| I was so busy having fun, I guess I kind of ruined it for you. |
| [Car honking] |
| We got company. |
| Looks like your fans are back, Mom. |
| TEENS: Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! |
| No, I think this one's all yours. |
| [Cheering] |
| GIRL: Go, girl! |
| BOY 1: All right! |
| BOY 2: One's an innie, and one's an outie. |
| ANNOUNCER: Now, back to Daggermouth and Boom Boom on Nickelodeon. |
| Boom Boom, did you do your exercises today? |
| Yes. I did 20 laps. And I'm about to do 20 more! |
| Oh, you! |
| Yipes! |
| [Whimsical instrumental music] |
| Peter, I'm so glad being a fisherman is working out for you. |
| I got to admit I half expected to come home, and all our stuff would be gone, and we'd owe somebody a lot of money. |
| How can you "half expect" something? |
| I don't know. It's just a turn of phrase. |
| How do you "turn a phrase"? |
| Oh, God, you're dumb! Thank God for that ass! |
| Now, come here and kiss me. Good night, honey. |
| Good night, Lois. Good night, Jim and Abby. |
| Good night. |
| [Abby blowing raspberries] |
| [Peter laughing] |
| PETER: Not now, Abby. |
| [Theme music] |