| Dennis Miller | I don't want to go on a rant here but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first Battle of Antietam. |
| Dennis Miller | When a neo-conservative defenestrates it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate. |
| Peter Griffin | What the hell does "rant" mean? |
| Lois Griffin | [Singing] "It seems today that all you see |
| Lois Griffin | "is violence in movies and sex on TV |
| Peter Griffin | "But where are those good, old-fashioned values |
| Peter Griffin | "on which we used to rely? |
| All | "Lucky there's a family guy |
| All | "Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you |
| All | "all the things that make us |
| Stewie Griffin | "laugh 'n' cry |
| All | "He's a family guy" |
| Lois Griffin | Go, Dust Mites! |
| Peter Griffin | I wish they'd put Chris in already. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, relax. It's his first game. |
| [Whistle] |
| Coach | Griffin, get in there! |
| Peter Griffin | They're sending him in. |
| Lois Griffin | Yay, Chris! |
| Peter Griffin | Atta boy, Chris! |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, that's my son out there. I taught him how to wipe. |
| Jake Tucker | Why won't you teach me how to wipe? |
| Tom Tucker | Because you don't have a bottom, son. |
| Boy | You and that towel are representin'. |
| Chris Griffin | No, that sweat's just frightened, G! |
| Announcer | ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, the Buddy Cianci Junior High cheerleaders. |
| Cheerleader | Is everybody pumped up? |
| Cheerleader | Gimme a D-U-S-T! |
| Stewie Griffin | M- l-T-E-S! |
| Cheerleader | What does that spell? |
| Stewie Griffin | Dust Mites! |
| Cheerleader | Who's gonna win this game? |
| Stewie Griffin | Dust Mites! |
| Stewie Griffin | My God, what? What just happened to me? |
| Stewie Griffin | It's those sirens. |
| Stewie Griffin | They have us all under their spell like that hypnotist at the Airport Hilton. |
| Hypnotist | ...and three! |
| Brian Griffin | Wow! Were we just hypnotized? |
| Brian Griffin | Well, that's incredible. I don't remember a thing. |
| Stewie Griffin | Why do I taste crotch? |
| Stewie Griffin | I must unlock the secret to their mind-control powers. |
| Peter Griffin | Lois, can we go now? I'm starving. |
| Lois Griffin | The game's almost over, Peter. Try to think about something else. |
| [Crowd cheering] |
| [Sexy instrumental music] |
| Lois Griffin | Peter! |
| Peter Griffin | Sorry. |
| Peter Griffin | Nice job out there tonight, Chris. You wiped the floor with that towel. |
| Chris Griffin | Yo! Did y'all check me when that hottie was all up in my Kool-Aid? |
| Chris Griffin | I looked to break off a little somethin'-somethin' but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank and she's all about the bling-bling. |
| Lois Griffin | What's wrong? |
| Peter Griffin | He's speaking in tongues, Lois! |
| Peter Griffin | Our son is possessed! |
| Peter Griffin | Meg, start at Psalm 41 and don't stop reading until I tell you! |
| Peter Griffin | The power of Christ compels you! |
| Chris Griffin | [Chris screams] |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, stop! He's not possessed. |
| Meg Griffin | Yeah, he's just talking street. |
| Meg Griffin | Lots of kids do it. |
| Peter Griffin | Well, that's kind of weird. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, it's just a phase. |
| Lois Griffin | You've gone through a few yourself. |
| Lois Griffin | Like those two weeks you spent narrating your own life. |
| Peter Griffin | I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. |
| Peter Griffin | I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me. |
| Peter Griffin | Of course, I'd never tell her how disgusted I was with her cooking but somehow I think she knew. |
| Peter Griffin | Lois had always been full of energy and life but lately I had begun to grow more aware of her aging. |
| Peter Griffin | The bright, exuberant eyes that I had fallen in love with were now beginning to grow dull with the long fatigue of a weary life. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: I awoke several hours later in a daze. |
| [Rap music playing] |
| Rapper | "I was brought up on the streets, no moms and dads |
| Rapper | "I had to fend for myself with my own two hands |
| Rapper | "But today I'm hurtin' and I'll tell you why I got a hangnail |
| Rapper | "hanging from my cuticle A hangnail |
| Rapper | "It ain't beautiful |
| Rapper | "It hurts like a bitch that I did last night" |
| Peter Griffin | Hey. What are you doing? |
| Chris Griffin | Just laying back in the cot peepin' at this here homey. |
| Chris Griffin | Pops! Let me have some cheddar. |
| Chris Griffin | Some player-hater be throwin' salt in my game grillin' me over my gear. |
| Chris Griffin | And I needs to be mackin' style! |
| Peter Griffin | The important thing is you tried, son. |
| Stewie Griffin | There they are. Very well. |
| Stewie Griffin | And now to infiltrate this coven and learn their mind-control secrets. |
| Stewie Griffin | Just need to get their attention. |
| Cheerleader | Okay. That was much better. |
| Cheerleader | But it still sucked worse than anything I've ever seen! |
| Cheerleader | What's wrong with you guys? |
| [Disco music] |
| Cheerleader 1 | Look how cute he is! |
| Cheerleader 2 | He must be a teacher's baby. |
| Chris Griffin | He wants to be a cheerleader, too. |
| Stewie Griffin | My, so it's that easy to win you over! |
| Stewie Griffin | Consider yourselves lucky I'm not after your gully holes. |
| Peter Griffin | Then Chris starts with all this "yo, yo" stuff and I don't know what he's talkin' about. |
| Peter Griffin | So I started beating him with a hose, then my arm got tired, so I came here. |
| Brian Griffin | Peter, perhaps Chris has adopted another culture's mannerisms because he doesn't know enough about his own. |
| Peter Griffin | I never thought of that. |
| Peter Griffin | You know, I should teach Chris about his Irish roots. |
| Peter Griffin | We haven't spent any time together since we played Operation. |
| Chris Griffin | I'm going for the "funny bone," Dad. |
| Peter Griffin | You touched the sides. |
| Peter Griffin | He's waking up. Let's get him back to the bus station. |
| Chris Griffin | Dad, I don't want to be here. I want to be chillin' with my homeys. |
| Peter Griffin | Now, Chris, it's important you learn about your Irish heritage. |
| [Mechanized nonsensical speech] |
| [Mechanized nonsensical speech] |
| [Baby crying] |
| Speaker | SPEAKER: Archeological evidence indicates that Ireland was a much different place before the discovery of alcohol. |
| Speaker | Most experts believe it was something like this. |
| [Flying cars whizzing] |
| Irishman | Today we, Ireland's top scientists, have found a way to convert our entire population to pure energy! |
| Irishman 2 | It's a glorious day. |
| Irishman 3 | Michael McCloud's just invented a new kind of beverage in his basement. |
| Irishman 3 | Whiskey. |
| [Rowdy drunken yelling] |
| Chris Griffin | CHRIS: You were right, Dad. Being Irish rocks! |
| Peter Griffin | That's more like it, son. |
| Peter Griffin | Today we're gonna learn about the Griffin family history. |
| Chris Griffin | What's a library, Dad? |
| Peter Griffin | It's just a place where homeless people come to shave and go BM. Let's go inside. |
| Chris Griffin | Look, Dad! I found this book on our genealogy! |
| Peter Griffin | Way to go, son! |
| Peter Griffin | Look. Here's a picture of your great great-granddad, Osias Griffin. |
| Peter Griffin | He owned one of the first dozen telephones. |
| Osias Griffin | OSIAS: Hello? |
| Caller | CALLER: Hello, Jonathan? |
| Osias Griffin | OSIAS: What number'd you dial? |
| Caller | CALLER: Seven. |
| Osias Griffin | OSIAS: No. This is three. |
| Caller | CALLER: Sorry. |
| Peter Griffin | And his great grandpa was Thomas Griffin, a great philosopher. |
| Wife | Thomas, would you please go look for a job? |
| Thomas Griffin | Why? |
| Chris Griffin | Wow, that's cool! Go back even further, Dad. |
| Peter Griffin | Okay. Settle down, spaz. |
| Peter Griffin | In 1840, Nathaniel "Nate" Griffin used to groom horses. |
| Peter Griffin | What the hell? |
| Peter Griffin | Holy crap! I'm black! |
| Peter Griffin | But I can't be black. |
| Brian Griffin | I gotta say, Peter, the man in this book does look an awful lot like you. |
| Brian Griffin | "The diary of Nate Griffin. |
| Brian Griffin | "May 7, 1836. |
| Brian Griffin | "I was brushing down Lucy, the new colt, when she let out a fart right near my face. |
| Brian Griffin | "So I took her head and stuck it by my butt... |
| Brian Griffin | "...and blew a huge fart right back at her." |
| Peter Griffin | [Laughs] |
| Brian Griffin | That laugh's in here, too. See? |
| Brian Griffin | [Imitates Peter's laugh] |
| Peter Griffin | Then it's true. |
| Chris Griffin | Cool! I get to be black and Irish! |
| Meg Griffin | Yeah, and now I can wear clothes that actually show off my big butt! |
| Lois Griffin | I gotta tell Bonnie I'm sleeping with a black man! |
| Cheerleader | My God! Update! Exclam! |
| Cheerleader | Scott Martin just asked me out again! |
| Cheerleader 2 | My God! This is date number three. |
| Cheerleader 3 | Are you gonna get to second base? |
| Stewie Griffin | I think that would be a bad idea, and I know something about bad ideas. |
| Stewie Griffin | I'm telling you, Juice. She's screwing around behind your back. |
| Stewie Griffin | If I were in your Bruno Maglis, I wouldn't stand for it. |
| Stewie Griffin | Another mai tai? |
| Stewie Griffin | Thanks. So, listen... |
| Cheerleader | Here comes Scott! |
| Cheerleader 1 | Oh, my God! |
| Stewie Griffin | I have yet to discover the secret of their mind-control powers. |
| Stewie Griffin | Also, trying to comprehend their obsession with the homosexuals from 'NSYNC. |
| Peter Griffin | Cleveland. You got a minute? I really need to talk to you. |
| Cleveland | Sure. I was just going for a ride. Hop on. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: So, I found out I have a black ancestor. |
| Cleveland | CLEVELAND: Is that right? Well, that's fantastic, Peter. |
| Peter Griffin | But the problem is I got no idea how to be black except for not smiling when I get my picture taken. |
| Cleveland | Well, Peter. |
| Cleveland | It sounds like you should go out and mingle amongst your newly-found brethren. |
| Cleveland | You know, absorb the culture. |
| Cleveland | Wheelie time! |
| [Exuberant yelling] |
| Peter Griffin | You're right, Cleveland. |
| Peter Griffin | I should be hanging around more black people like myself. Thanks. |
| Cleveland | Hey! Peter, what the... |
| Peter Griffin | It's the vibration. |
| Black Commedian | Who here used to wear a lot of Jheri Curl? |
| Black Commedian | That's right. |
| Black Commedian | Y'all know that Exxon Valdez thing? That ain't how it happened. |
| Black Commedian | Some brother just fell in the ocean. |
| Peter Griffin | God! I remember that. And all those seals died. |
| Peter Griffin | It was all over the news. |
| Peter Griffin | The Channel 2 news with Dan Rather. |
| Peter Griffin | Although, I think Connie Chung might have been substituting for him. |
| Peter Griffin | About time for me to be hitting the ol' dusty trail. |
| Peter Griffin | I like your hat. |
| Peter Griffin | Can't get out that way. |
| [Alarm rings] |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Found the emergency exit. |
| Professor | 1967 was the same year that Thurgood Marshall was named to the Supreme Court of the United States. |
| Peter Griffin | [Whooping] |
| Peter Griffin | I should probably be saddling up now. |
| [Alarm rings] |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Found the fire door. |
| Stewie Griffin | Look at how fat you are. |
| Stewie Griffin | You disgust me! Oink oink, fatty! |
| Stewie Griffin | You'll take butter on that English muffin, won't you? |
| Stewie Griffin | Because you're the cheerleading squad's token blimp. |
| Stewie Griffin | You don't deserve to eat. |
| Stewie Griffin | [Vomits] |
| Peter Griffin | Thanks for bringing me here. |
| Man | Welcome. For our first order of business I believe Cleveland has an announcement. |
| Cleveland | Yesterday, I received reparations from the family that enslaved my ancestors. |
| Man 2 | Amen! |
| Man 3 | Right on! |
| Cleveland | Now, the family has become poor white trash since then. |
| Cleveland | So they only gave what they could. A tray of scrumptious Rice Krispie Treats. |
| Cleveland | I share them with all of you in the hopes that one day your wounds may be healed as well. |
| Man 2 | Amen. |
| Man 3 | Right on. |
| Man 4 | Why is he taking one? |
| Cleveland | This is my friend, Peter Griffin. |
| Cleveland | He recently discovered he was black. |
| Man | MAN: He doesn't look very black to me. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Gentlemen, please. |
| Peter Griffin | Judge me not by the color of my skin. |
| Peter Griffin | For I have always been there with you. |
| Peter Griffin | I was there when George and Weezy moved on up to the East Side. |
| Peter Griffin | Hallelujah! Those were happy times! |
| Peter Griffin | But, I was also there for the bad times. |
| Peter Griffin | When Florida lost James to that tragic auto accident. |
| Peter Griffin | And I was there when Tootie got those terribly painful braces! |
| Peter Griffin | Yes! And when Arnold Jackson got beat up by the Gooch, I was there. |
| Peter Griffin | So before you decide I don't belong here, remember this I was there! |
| [Crowd cheering] |
| Man | Way to go, Peter! You tell it like it is! |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | Chris, this one's for you. |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | What's the secret to happiness? |
| Chris Griffin | Money! |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | Very good. Babs, give him a caramel. |
| Peter Griffin | What are your parents doing here? |
| Lois Griffin | They surprised us with a visit after I told them about your recent discovery. |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | Yes. Peter, we hear you're a Negro now. |
| Peter Griffin | Yep. I even got my own posse. |
| Peter Griffin | Big Dog, T-Bone, Shades, go make yourself some sandwiches. |
| Peter Griffin | We'll hook up later. |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | My jacket's in the kitchen. Please don't write on it. |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | I think Chris and Meg should know the Pewterschmidt side of their ancestry. |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | Kids, did you know the Pewterschmidts were among the first to colonize America? |
| Peter Griffin | Now, kids, don't be taken in by The Man. Stay black and proud. |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | Here's your ancestor Silas Pewterschmidt bartering with some local Indians. |
| Chris Griffin | Cool. |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | And here's a picture of... |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | Never mind that one. |
| Peter Griffin | Wait. What was that? |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | That was nothing. |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | Just a fellow we fed and took care of in exchange for doing a few chores. |
| Peter Griffin | You mean a slave! Let me see that! |
| Peter Griffin | My God! |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: It's Nate Griffin! |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | About time for me to be hitting the ol' dusty trail. |
| Peter Griffin | Lois, your family owned my family! |
| Lois Griffin | Daddy, is that true? |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | Well, it appears so. |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | Boy, this is pretty embarrassing! |
| Peter Griffin | Yes, it is! And don't call me boy! |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | Peter, please calm down. |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | I think it's time we went to bed. Things will look better tomorrow. |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | Come here, kids. Give Grandma and Grandpa a kiss goodnight. |
| Peter Griffin | You can whip me all you like, white devil, but you'll never break my spirit! |
| [Suspenseful music] |
| [Suspenseful music] |
| Stewie Griffin | There must be some clue to the source of their mental-manipulation techniques. |
| Stewie Griffin | "Your Body and You. |
| Stewie Griffin | "Every four weeks for three to four days it's normal for every young woman to..." |
| Stewie Griffin | My God! That's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard in my life! |
| Cindi | CINDl: That totally sucked. |
| Cindi | You guys call yourselves cheerleaders? Well, I call you cheer-Iosers! |
| Stewie Griffin | This Cindi is definitely the alpha of the group. |
| Cindi | And what happened with the pyramid? I almost broke my neck! |
| Stewie Griffin | The pyramid! Of course! |
| Stewie Griffin | That must be the key to their power! |
| Stewie Griffin | Mission objective: Eliminate Cindi and take her place at the top of the pyramid. |
| Stewie Griffin | STEWIE: They're getting nude. |
| Stewie Griffin | No, I mustn't watch. It's not the proper thing to... |
| Stewie Griffin | I say! Nice ones, Jeanine. |
| Stewie Griffin | Look at Lisa in all of her curvaceous glory. |
| Stewie Griffin | Heavens, it appears my wee-wee has been stricken with rigor mortis. |
| Peter Griffin | Good morning. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, what on earth are you wearing? |
| Peter Griffin | It's a dashiki. |
| Peter Griffin | And don't call me Peter. That's my slave name. |
| Peter Griffin | From now on, call me Kichwa Tembo. |
| Chris Griffin | Cool. And I'll be Mambutu O'Malley! |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | Peter... |
| Peter Griffin | Kichwa! |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | I'd like to have a word with you. |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | Peter, I think... |
| Peter Griffin | Kichwa! |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | Kichwa, we're both sensible men. |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | There must be something I can do to make things right. |
| Peter Griffin | Actually, there is. I want reparations just like Cleveland got. |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | What are you talking about? |
| Peter Griffin | I want an apology and some Rice Krispie Treats. |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | I absolutely will not give you an apology and I'm assuming "Rice Krispie Treats" is black slang for money. |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | So, here's $10,000. |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | I expect you never to mention this ugly business again. |
| Peter Griffin | $10,000? |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | Not enough? Fine. Make it $20,000. |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | How do you spell Kichwa? |
| Peter Griffin | You know what? Screw the Kichwa. Make it out to Peter. P-E-T-E... |
| Tom Tucker | This just in. Slave-owner descendent, Carter Pewterschmidt has paid $20,000 or 2,000,000 pennies in reparations to a local black man. |
| Tom Tucker | We now go live to the local black man. |
| Peter Griffin | Well, the money helps but I'll always feel my ancestors' pain. |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, from down there does it look like I'm talking into a bunch of robot penises? |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Come in here and see what I did with the money your dad gave me. |
| Lois Griffin | Oh, my God! You turned the den into Pee-Wee's Playhouse? |
| Peter Griffin | [Singing] "Come on, get up! |
| Peter Griffin | "Knock off your napping |
| Peter Griffin | "It's a crazy, messed-up place where anything can happen |
| Peter Griffin | "There's a chair that freakin' talks! There's some fish that give advice |
| Peter Griffin | "Holy crap! It's screwy |
| Peter Griffin | "In Peter's Playhouse" |
| Lois Griffin | Peter... |
| Peter Griffin | Wait. Watch this. Hey, Jambi! |
| Peter Griffin | Okay, say it. |
| Brian Griffin | Mekka-lekka-hi, mekka-hi... God, I hate you so much. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, that reparation money should be going to a worthy black charity. |
| Peter Griffin | The king of cartoons will be here soon and I will not have you embarrass me. |
| Lois Griffin | You're acting ridiculous! |
| Peter Griffin | You said the secret word! |
| [Sirens wailing] |
| Police Officer | You're that black guy I saw on the news conference, ain't you? |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah, that's me. |
| Police Officer | This is Car 15 needing backup. I got a stolen car here. |
| Peter Griffin | It's my car. |
| Police Officer | Suspect's getting belligerent. |
| Peter Griffin | What? |
| Police Officer | Officer down. |
| Man | So, it's agreed. |
| Man | We'll keep on pretending to like pig's feet simply to confound the white man. |
| Peter Griffin | Sorry I'm late, you guys. The white man was making me his bitch. |
| Man 2 | What? |
| Peter Griffin | His "biatch." |
| Cleveland | Peter, we know about your selfish squandering of your reparation money. |
| Cleveland | I shared mine. |
| Cleveland | You, however, have given nothing back to the community. |
| Peter Griffin | That's not true. |
| Peter Griffin | I've brought you the greatest gift of all. A child's laughter. |
| Peter Griffin | [Laughing] |
| Cleveland | Peter, I think you should go. |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah, I'm going. |
| [Crowd cheering] |
| Peter Griffin | Hi, guys. |
| Peter Griffin | How's it going? |
| Peter Griffin | Jeez, Lois, no one wants to sit with me. It's like I'm a freakin' leper. |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, can we sit there? |
| Leper | No, these are saved. |
| Cheerleader | Where is Cindi? |
| Cheerleader 2 | I don't know. |
| Cheerleader | She better show up soon. It's almost halftime. |
| Stewie Griffin | I'd feel worse about this if you didn't spell your name with that insufferable "i" at the end. |
| Stewie Griffin | And that cockadoodie smiley face you use to dot it! |
| Stewie Griffin | You sicken me! I'm not gonna hurt you. |
| Peter Griffin | [Peter yells] |
| Nate Griffin | Hello, Peter. |
| Peter Griffin | Nate Griffin! |
| Peter Griffin | My God! You're haunting me because I've been a terrible black man! |
| Nate Griffin | Peter, you gotta stop putting so much importance on race. |
| Nate Griffin | I didn't. |
| Peter Griffin | You didn't? |
| Nate Griffin | No. |
| Nate Griffin | If I had, would I have slept with your white great-great-great-great granny? |
| Peter Griffin | No, I guess not. |
| Nate Griffin | That's right. |
| Nate Griffin | I wouldn't have slept with her fine sister neither. |
| Nate Griffin | You see, the most important thing is how a man acts. |
| Nate Griffin | You know what I'm getting at? |
| Peter Griffin | You think I should do something good with that reparation money. |
| Nate Griffin | That'd be mighty fine, Peter. |
| Peter Griffin | I guess you're right. |
| Peter Griffin | For what it's worth, I'm sorry my wife's ancestors made you suffer. |
| Nate Griffin | Don't worry about me. |
| Nate Griffin | If it makes you feel any better, I peed in their cereal every morning. |
| Nate Griffin | Well, so long, Peter. |
| Peter Griffin | Wait! Before you go what's Heaven like? - It's fine. |
| Nate Griffin | There's a shortage of chairs. |
| Nate Griffin | Take it easy, Peter. |
| Cheerleader | We're just gonna have to go on without her. |
| Stewie Griffin | STEWIE: Give me a "D!" |
| All | ALL: "D!" |
| Stewie Griffin | That's enough. There's a hunting knife under each one of your seats. |
| Stewie Griffin | On my command, I want you to... |
| Stewie Griffin | You idiots! I had them. |
| Cheerleader | Cindi was right. We need a lot more work. |
| Peter Griffin | Excuse me. |
| Peter Griffin | Hi, I'm Peter Griffin. |
| Peter Griffin | Listen, as many of you may know, I recently came into some money. |
| Peter Griffin | I don't really deserve it so I've decided to share it with my brothers! |
| [Crowd cheering] |
| Peter Griffin | Actually, I just meant the black guys. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, that was very generous. Look how happy you've made everyone. |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah, it just goes to show you, Lois it doesn't matter if you're black or white. |
| Peter Griffin | The only color that really matters is green. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter. |
| Cheerleader | I wonder what happened to Cindi. |
| Quagmire | Dear diary. |
| Quagmire | Jackpot! |
| [Rap version of theme song] |