| Lois Griffin | [Singing] "It seems today that all you see |
| Lois Griffin | "is violence in movies and sex on TV |
| Peter Griffin | "But where are those good, old-fashioned values |
| Peter Griffin | "on which we used to rely? |
| All | "Lucky there's a family guy |
| All | "Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you |
| All | "all the things that make us |
| Stewie Griffin | "laugh 'n' cry |
| All | "He's a family guy" |
| Tom Tucker | Alan Adler, David Preslack, Julie Axlerod, Shep Sutton, Scott McCormack. |
| Tom Tucker | That concludes the list of people who were mean to me in junior high. |
| Tom Tucker | Tomorrow, high school. |
| Tom Tucker | Finally, we go to Asian reporter Trisha Takanawa for 60 seconds of filler. |
| Trishia Takanawa | Thanks, Tom. I'm here on Spooner Street where several Quahog families are holding a car wash to raise money for an organ transplant for young Paul Lewis. |
| Trishia Takanawa | What do you call this device, Paul? |
| Paul | It's an iron lung. |
| Paul | It keeps me from dying. I want to play baseball! |
| Trishia Takanawa | With me is one of Paul's classmates, Chris Griffin who helped organize this charity event. |
| Trishia Takanawa | You're a very thoughtful young man, Chris. |
| Chris Griffin | Can I say hello to my mom? |
| Trishia Takanawa | Sure. |
| Chris Griffin | Hi, Mom! |
| Lois Griffin | Hi, sweetheart! |
| Stewie Griffin | Okay, so, you want the full wash and... |
| Stewie Griffin | You've got a nick there. I can get that out for you. |
| Stewie Griffin | Now, if you want to go with a scent, I've got PB and J, Sugar Cereal, and New Toy. |
| Stewie Griffin | What the deuce? |
| Stewie Griffin | Somebody dropped a money clip. |
| Meg Griffin | Wow! $26. |
| Chris Griffin | I've never seen so much money at one time! |
| Meg Griffin | What should we do with it? |
| Stewie Griffin | I say we buy $26 worth of ice cream and just pig out. |
| Stewie Griffin | We can dish, talk about who's getting fat. We'll just be great big bitches. |
| Brian Griffin | Hold on, kids. That's not your money yet. |
| Brian Griffin | The law says you gotta wait two weeks for someone to claim it. |
| Brian Griffin | If no one does, it's yours. |
| Peter Griffin | Lunch is here. |
| Lois Griffin | Everyone, we've reached our goal! |
| Lois Griffin | It looks like somebody's gonna live to see puberty. |
| Brian Griffin | My God! That man just took our money! |
| Joe Swanson | What man? |
| Lois Griffin | He was wearing a Jimmy Carter mask like the robber in that Keanu Reeves movie. |
| Joe Swanson | The Matrix? |
| Lois Griffin | No. It wasn't that recent. |
| Lois Griffin | One where they jumped out of a plane. |
| Joe Swanson | Executive Decision? |
| Lois Griffin | That was Kurt Russell. |
| Lois Griffin | The other guy in this movie resembles Kurt Russell. |
| Meg Griffin | MEG: He's getting away! |
| Joe Swanson | JOE: Don't worry. He won't get far. |
| [Siren wails] |
| Joe Swanson | JOE: Stop! Police! |
| [Dramatic instrumental music] |
| Joe Swanson | [Gasping for breath] |
| Lois Griffin | Joe, what happened? |
| Joe Swanson | I got the money. |
| Peter Griffin | All right, Joe! |
| Joe Swanson | But I lost the perp. |
| Lois Griffin | Well, the money's the important thing. |
| Lois Griffin | Now little Paul can get his... Point Break! That was the movie! |
| Peter Griffin | Here's to Joe, who helped little Paul get a new liver and, barring a massive infection, a new lease on life. |
| Joe Swanson | Don't you understand? I lost the perp! |
| Joe Swanson | I lost the perp! |
| Joe Swanson | [Sobbing] |
| Joe Swanson | [Screaming] |
| Meg Griffin | MEG: The $26 would probably be safe in my room. |
| Stewie Griffin | Right. |
| Stewie Griffin | It'd probably get lost among the pinups of Justin Timberlake, and Tom Cruise, and... |
| Stewie Griffin | Blast! Who the devil do the teenagers like? |
| Stewie Griffin | Morgan Freeman. |
| Chris Griffin | We can't keep it in my room because there's an evil monkey that lives in my closet. |
| Chris Griffin | You know, the sad part is, he wasn't always evil. |
| Evil Monkey | Honey, good news! |
| Evil Monkey | I made partner! |
| Evil Monkey | [Angry shrieking] |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, Bonnie says Joe's been really depressed about that robbery. |
| Lois Griffin | Why don't you go talk to him? |
| Peter Griffin | I don't know. There's a game on. |
| Angel Peter | Shame on you! |
| Angel Peter | You march over there, and cheer your old friend up! |
| Devil Peter | Don't listen to that sissy. Grab a beer and watch the game. |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah. That sounds good. |
| Peter Griffin | My God! |
| Angel Peter | Now, get your fat ass over to Joe's! |
| Peter Griffin | Look, buddy, l... |
| Angel Peter | Move! |
| Peter Griffin | All right. Just take it easy, man. Everything's cool. |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, buddy. |
| Joe Swanson | Close the door! |
| Joe Swanson | I don't want to see the light. |
| Peter Griffin | Come on, Joe. Cheer up, huh? |
| Peter Griffin | What do you say you and me go roller-skate... |
| Peter Griffin | Bike ride... |
| Peter Griffin | Jump rope... |
| Peter Griffin | Go lay on the grass? |
| Joe Swanson | Peter, the other day was the first time I've ever lost a perp. |
| Joe Swanson | It was also the first time I've ever really felt handicapped. |
| Joe Swanson | I've made up my mind about this. |
| Joe Swanson | I'm quitting the force. |
| Peter Griffin | Come on, Joe. You don't have to quit the force. |
| Peter Griffin | I mean, you could get a desk job. |
| Peter Griffin | You could be a desk. |
| Joe Swanson | Forget it! I'm washed up. |
| Diane Simmons | In local news, Quahog will soon play proud host to the Special People's Games. |
| Diane Simmons | If you or a friend are disabled and would like to raise your self-esteem, sign up today! |
| Peter Griffin | Joe, that's it! |
| Peter Griffin | You got to compete in the Special People's Games. |
| Joe Swanson | Gosh! I don't know, Peter. Do you really think I can? |
| Peter Griffin | I'm the guy that believed you could be a desk. |
| Peter Griffin | Come on! I'll even be your coach! |
| Joe Swanson | All right! Let's do it! |
| Tom Tucker | Coming up in this half hour, our undercover exposT on conveniently placed news reports in television shows. |
| Tom Tucker | But first, Peter, look out for that skateboard. |
| Finneous | Had a bit of a row with a fellow in the steam room. |
| Barnaby | You don't say! |
| Finneous | Gave him a cauliflower ear. |
| Barnaby | Bully! |
| Peter Griffin | Come on! Two more. |
| Joe Swanson | Peter, you're pushing me too hard. |
| Peter Griffin | Trust me, Joe. I know physical fitness. |
| Peter Griffin | I was in Richard Simmons' Sweatin' to Books on Tape. |
| Author | AUTHOR: The Red Sox were in town. |
| Author | But I didn't care because it was Tuesday, and I was on my way to see Maury. |
| Author | He couldn't go to the bathroom by himself anymore. |
| Author | But his indomitable spirit... |
| Peter Griffin | So, how does he check out, Doc? Is my boy ready to compete? |
| Dr. Hartman | I don't quite know how to tell you this, Mr. Swanson. |
| Dr. Hartman | You're paralyzed from the waist down. |
| Joe Swanson | I know. |
| Dr. Hartman | Thank God! |
| Dr. Hartman | I was standing out there for, like, 10 minutes! |
| Dr. Hartman | Boy, is that a load off! |
| Peter Griffin | Mort, Joe here's gonna be competing in the Special People's Games. |
| Peter Griffin | You got anything that might give him extra juice? |
| Mort Goldman | You mean steroids? |
| Mort Goldman | But, Peter, haven't you seen what happens to those ladies on ESPN2? |
| Mort Goldman | They get big hair faces, and their breasts become like flapjacks! |
| Peter Griffin | I was thinking more like a protein shake. |
| Mort Goldman | God, I'm sorry! |
| Mort Goldman | Aisle 3, next to the creams. I don't like saying that word. |
| Announcer | ANNOUNCER: We now return to Touched by an Angel. |
| Lawyer | Now, where exactly did the angel touch you? |
| Boy | Here. |
| Angel | Come on! Who're you gonna believe? |
| Angel | I got a freakin' halo! |
| Meg Griffin | 'Bye! I'm going to the mall! |
| Stewie Griffin | What are you going to the mall for? |
| Meg Griffin | Don't worry. The $26 is safe. |
| Stewie Griffin | Safe, huh? |
| Stewie Griffin | She's trying to pull a fast one. |
| Stewie Griffin | Knuckles, get the handbag! |
| Chris Griffin | Right, boss! |
| Meg Griffin | Give me my purse, you psycho! |
| Stewie Griffin | Let's see. Makeup, chewing gum, a picture of Meg in a two-piece swimsuit. |
| Stewie Griffin | God! I pray this is not my first memory! |
| Brian Griffin | Look, everybody cool it! I won't put up with this for two weeks. |
| Brian Griffin | I'll hold onto the money. I'm a neutral party, so it'll be safe. |
| Meg Griffin | Okay. |
| Stewie Griffin | All right. |
| Stewie Griffin | I suppose we can trust you. |
| Meg Griffin | Now, where is it? |
| Stewie Griffin | What the... |
| Stewie Griffin | Very clever. |
| Stewie Griffin | Take another reach. You forgot your change. |
| Tom Tucker | Hello, and welcome to the Quahog Special People's Games. |
| Tom Tucker | I'm Tom Tucker. |
| Diane Simmons | And I'm Diane Simmons. |
| Diane Simmons | It's a great day to be alive, Tom, able-bodied or not. |
| Tom Tucker | It sure is. |
| Tom Tucker | Today we'll see some of Quahog's finest athletes struggle valiantly against God's twisted designs. |
| Tom Tucker | You'll cheer, cry, maybe even have a cheap laugh or two. |
| Diane Simmons | I know I will, Tom. |
| Diane Simmons | There's the possibility that, by the end of the day, we'll all be going to Hell. |
| Tom Tucker | I'll see you there, Diane. |
| Tom Tucker | It sounds like the opening ceremonies have begun. |
| Tom Tucker | There are the paraplegics. |
| Tom Tucker | Followed by the blind team. |
| Tom Tucker | Still no sign of the deaf team, I notice. |
| [Phones ringing, alarms buzzing] |
| [Knocking] |
| Man 1 | You guys are gonna be late! MAN |
| Man 2 | Maybe they're not in there. |
| Diane Simmons | DIANE: And now, we turn our attention to the lighting of the flame. |
| Tom Tucker | TOM: And these games are underway! |
| Tom Tucker | We begin with the 100-meter dash for people afraid of yellow tape. |
| Diane Simmons | DIANE: It's anybody's race now, Tom! |
| Tom Tucker | And it's Odai Mutambo of Kenya! |
| Joe Swanson | The decathlon. I don't know. That's quite a mountain to climb, Peter. |
| Peter Griffin | Joe, look at me! |
| Peter Griffin | Do I have food in my teeth? |
| Joe Swanson | No. |
| Peter Griffin | Great. Thank God! |
| Peter Griffin | Now, listen here, Joe. |
| Peter Griffin | We both know you have what it takes to win this thing. |
| Peter Griffin | So, get out there and do it, huh? |
| Disabled Ass | That gold medal is mine, pretty boy. |
| Disabled Ass | You don't have a chance in Hell. |
| Joe Swanson | He may be right, Peter. |
| Peter Griffin | Joe, he's an android. |
| Peter Griffin | Don't let him push you around. You can do this. I know you can. |
| Joe Swanson | Yeah. |
| Joe Swanson | You think you're so hot, fella? Well, at least I can do this. |
| Joe Swanson | [Sings arpeggio] |
| Disabled Ass | [Sings monotone] |
| Disabled Ass | Crap! |
| Joe Swanson | Let's do it! |
| Tom Tucker | TOM: Let's go to the first event of the day, the pole vault where Joe Swanson takes his starting position. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Yeah! |
| Peter Griffin | Way to go, Joe! |
| Joe Swanson | Yeah! How do you like that, buddy? |
| Disabled Ass | A sphincter says what. |
| Joe Swanson | What? |
| Disabled Ass | You stupid bastard. |
| Stewie Griffin | Good to see your new fiscal responsibilities haven't interfered with your reading. |
| Stewie Griffin | Dostoyevsky, the Mad Russian. |
| Stewie Griffin | Good stuff. |
| Brian Griffin | You're not gonna get the $26, and you're despicable for trying. |
| Stewie Griffin | You thought... |
| Stewie Griffin | I wasn't trying to get the $26. |
| Stewie Griffin | I thought we were just having a perfectly innocent conversation about literature. |
| Stewie Griffin | You're silly. |
| Stewie Griffin | I love that you'd go there. You're silly. |
| Stewie Griffin | Good-bye. |
| Tom Tucker | We'll take you to bulimic pie-eating in just a moment. |
| Tom Tucker | But first, decathlon front-runner Joe Swanson, will attempt the long jump. |
| Peter Griffin | Come on, Joe! Break a wheel! |
| Joe Swanson | I'm ready. Let's get it on! |
| [Crowd cheers] |
| Tom Tucker | A short jump. That'll knock him out of the lead. |
| Tom Tucker | Tough break. |
| Diane Simmons | Tough break it is. |
| Tom Tucker | Good contribution. If Swanson expects to take the gold he's going to have to come in first in the final event, the 100-meter dash. |
| Peter Griffin | That's okay, Joe. You can still win this thing. |
| Disabled Ass | COMPUTER: That was pathetic. |
| Disabled Ass | Tell your wife to come over to my place if she wants a little boom-shacka-lacka-lacka-lacka boom-shaka-lacka-lacka-lacka boom-shaka-lacka-lacka-lacka-boom. |
| Joe Swanson | Peter, it's over. |
| Peter Griffin | Over? What are you talking about? |
| Joe Swanson | If I couldn't catch a two-bit criminal, how am I supposed to win a race? |
| Peter Griffin | What kind of talk is that? It's un-American! |
| Peter Griffin | Did George W. Bush quit even after losing the popular vote? No! |
| Peter Griffin | Did he quit after losing millions of dollars of his father's friends' money in failed oil companies? No! |
| Peter Griffin | Did he quit after knocking that girl up? No! |
| Peter Griffin | Did he quit after he got that DUI? No! |
| Peter Griffin | Did he quit after his arrest for drunk and disorderly conduct at a football game? |
| Peter Griffin | No! |
| Peter Griffin | Did he quit... |
| Joe Swanson | I get the message, Peter. |
| Joe Swanson | Gee, Peter! This water tastes kinda funny. |
| Peter Griffin | You mean like ha-ha, Jerry Seinfeld funny or Elayne Boosler, "Bless her, she's trying" funny? |
| Referee | Racers, on your mark! |
| Peter Griffin | Go get 'em, Joe! |
| Referee | REFEREE: Get set! |
| [Dramatic instrumental music] |
| Joe Swanson | Yeah! |
| Tom Tucker | TOM: Joe Swanson wins the gold medal! |
| Peter Griffin | You did it, Joe! |
| Joe Swanson | We did it, Peter! |
| [Crowd cheering] |
| Child | Mom, look at the ladybug! |
| Jim Kaplan | Hey, Greased Lightning! |
| Joe Swanson | Do I know you? |
| Jim Kaplan | Jim Kaplan, sports agent. Like this car? |
| Joe Swanson | Yeah. |
| Jim Kaplan | It's yours. You like my pants? |
| Joe Swanson | Sure. |
| Jim Kaplan | They're yours! Know what a merkin is? |
| Joe Swanson | No. |
| Jim Kaplan | Pubic wig. I got one. You want it? |
| Joe Swanson | No! |
| Jim Kaplan | You don't! You're a classy guy! |
| Jim Kaplan | You want to be rich? |
| Joe Swanson | Yes! |
| Jim Kaplan | Sign here. |
| Peter Griffin | What the hell? |
| Peter Griffin | I don't understand how he could do that without me. |
| Peter Griffin | We were gonna do everything together! |
| Brian Griffin | It was one cereal ad, Peter. Besides, he's the one who won the medal. |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah, I guess. |
| Announcer | ANNOUNCER: Coming to ABC, the simple story of a man and his chair. |
| Announcer | Rolling Courage. The Joe Swanson Story. |
| Peter Griffin | What the hell? |
| Announcer | ANNOUNCER: Starring Tony Danza as Joe Swanson. |
| Announcer | Once a man at his physical peak brought down by a cruel twist of fate. |
| Tony Danza | Why? |
| Announcer | With Valerie Bertinelli as Bonnie. |
| Valerie Bertinelli | Joe, you've got to accept your limitations. |
| Tony Danza | Why don't you just ask me to lay down and die? |
| Tony Danza | I can't live like this anymore! |
| Valerie Bertinelli | That's it! |
| Peter Griffin | That's not how it happened! It was my idea! |
| Announcer | ANNOUNCER: With Bea Arthur as Peter Griffin. |
| Bea Arthur | You'll never make it, Joe! Why don't you just give up right now? |
| Tony Danza | No. I've got to try! |
| Tony Danza | Even if it's by myself. |
| Bea Arthur | You're a fool, Joe! A fool! |
| Announcer | Rolling Courage. The Joe Swanson Story. |
| Announcer | Friday on ABC, followed by Dharma and Greg but you don't have to watch that. |
| Peter Griffin | I don't believe this. Joe wouldn't be famous without me. |
| Peter Griffin | Why is he getting all the glory? |
| Peter Griffin | He's handicapped. |
| Brian Griffin | That's what makes his story so inspirational. |
| Peter Griffin | Handicapped... |
| Brian Griffin | How did these get up here? |
| Chris Griffin | CHRIS: What the hell is this, Brian? |
| Brian Griffin | BRIAN: It's my new passport. |
| Brian Griffin | Why are you going through my mail? |
| Stewie Griffin | You weren't planning on going somewhere with our $26, were you? |
| Brian Griffin | For God's sake! I just had it renewed! What's the matter with you? |
| Stewie Griffin | You're obviously taking us for saps. But we're not. |
| Stewie Griffin | Now, fess up, or I'll do to you what I did to John Lennon. |
| Stewie Griffin | John, have you met Yoko? Yoko, John? |
| Brian Griffin | You want your money? Fine! I hope you all kill each other. |
| Stewie Griffin | All right, I know how to settle this. |
| Stewie Griffin | Whoever wants the money raise your hand! |
| Stewie Griffin | You're smarter than I thought. |
| Stewie Griffin | Give yourselves a round of applause. |
| Stewie Griffin | Damn! |
| Tom Tucker | Yeah. Honey, I'm gonna be late tonight. I've got a hooker coming over. |
| Tom Tucker | I know it's late notice. What about the pool guy? He likes you. |
| Intern | INTERN: Mr. Griffin's here to see you. |
| Tom Tucker | TOM: I got to go. |
| Peter Griffin | Mr. Tucker, I have just become handicapped like Joe Swanson. |
| Peter Griffin | I demand commercial endorsements and a TV movie based on me, starring Valerie Bertandernie. |
| Tom Tucker | But, Mr. Griffin... |
| Peter Griffin | I even got the first piece you're gonna run. |
| Peter Griffin | Exclusive video footage of my tragic accident. |
| Peter Griffin | No! A car going too fast to stop in time! |
| Peter Griffin | I'm handicapped now! |
| Tom Tucker | Mr. Griffin, you can't possibly expect me to believe this. |
| Tom Tucker | That was clearly a scarecrow dressed in your clothes. |
| Peter Griffin | Come on! |
| Tom Tucker | And when I freeze-frame that's you driving the car. |
| Peter Griffin | There's your hook! |
| Tom Tucker | Get out. |
| Mayor West | Today we're here to honor Joe Swanson for pulling my poor one-eyed cat, Bootsie out of the old stove pipe of my grandmother's cabin. |
| Mayor West | Joe Swanson won the Special People's Decathlon, and we're here to honor him. |
| Peter Griffin | Backstabber. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter. |
| Lois Griffin | I'm sure Joe's gonna acknowledge you. You'll see. |
| Peter Griffin | Don't forget our deal. I sit through this, and later tonight I get anal. |
| Peter Griffin | No matter how neat I want the house, you have to clean it. |
| Joe Swanson | Thank you. |
| Joe Swanson | You know, no one can win a gold medal by himself. |
| Joe Swanson | It takes friends. |
| Joe Swanson | And I want to acknowledge a special friend in the audience today. |
| Joe Swanson | My friend Peter. |
| Joe Swanson | Peter Yarrow of Peter, Paul and Mary! Let's give him a hand, folks. |
| Joe Swanson | But that's nothing compared to what this next man did. |
| Joe Swanson | He challenged me to go that extra mile. |
| Joe Swanson | That man is Mr. Griffin. |
| Joe Swanson | Comedian Eddie Griffin, get up here! |
| Joe Swanson | Your acerbic anti-white humor was a constant inspiration. |
| Joe Swanson | Thank you, sir. |
| Joe Swanson | And last but not least, who could forget the fat guy? |
| Joe Swanson | Chef Paul Prudhomme! You get your Cajun ass up here! |
| Paul Prudhomme | Why? I didn't even do anything! |
| Peter Griffin | That's it! Excuse me, but there's someone else he didn't thank! |
| Peter Griffin | Mr. Steroid! |
| Peter Griffin | That's how he won! |
| Joe Swanson | That's not true! |
| Peter Griffin | Yes, it is. |
| Peter Griffin | I put steroids in your water bottle right before the last race. |
| Joe Swanson | I'm sorry, everybody. |
| Joe Swanson | I've let you all down. |
| Disabled Ass | Yes. You suck. I rule. Who the man? |
| Disabled Ass | Who the man? |
| Stewie Griffin | All right. If anyone tries to lift the glass, the bell will ring. |
| Meg Griffin | Well then, let's all go to bed. |
| Stewie Griffin | Off we go then. |
| [Thunder clapping] |
| Meg Griffin | MEG: Stop! |
| [Punching, kicking, yelling] |
| [Doorbell rings] |
| Brian Griffin | Did you find the place okay? |
| Theif | No problem. |
| Brian Griffin | Hey, kids! |
| Stewie Griffin | I only had soup. |
| Stewie Griffin | I don't see why we should split the bill evenly. |
| Brian Griffin | Wake up! |
| Brian Griffin | This is Mr. Taylor. He's here for the money clip. |
| [Yelling] |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, you should go talk to him. |
| Lois Griffin | You set out to make him feel better, and now he's worse than ever. |
| Peter Griffin | I don't know, Lois. |
| Peter Griffin | He's probably waiting to be interviewed by Dan Rather or that dreadful Gene Shalit. |
| Lois Griffin | I think those days are over now. |
| Peter Griffin | Hey there. |
| Joe Swanson | Hi, Peter. |
| Peter Griffin | Listen, Joe, about this whole mess... |
| Joe Swanson | Hold it, Peter! |
| Joe Swanson | That's the car-wash thief! |
| [Dramatic instrumental music] |
| Theif | Tough luck, wheelie! |
| Joe Swanson | Yeah, for you! |
| Joe Swanson | I'm Joe, your waiter. |
| Joe Swanson | Today's special is justice, served cold, with a side of jail! |
| Joe Swanson | And order the souffle now, because it takes 10 to 15 years! |
| Joe Swanson | Hey, Peter I really appreciate what you did for me. |
| Peter Griffin | What do you mean? |
| Joe Swanson | That agent had me believing the hype. |
| Joe Swanson | I forgot it was really you who got me to believe in myself again. |
| Joe Swanson | And by the way, I'm going back to the force. |
| Peter Griffin | Good for you. |
| Peter Griffin | What happened to the car-wash thief? |
| Joe Swanson | Ironically, I severed his spine when I landed on him. |
| Peter Griffin | Looks like you got more competition at next year's games. |
| Joe Swanson | No, he's dead. |
| [Theme music] |