| [Cheery instrumental music] |
| Lois Griffin | Okay. I got the whole day planned. |
| Lois Griffin | First, we see the primates. Then the butterfly house. |
| Lois Griffin | Then a bathroom break. Then... |
| Peter Griffin | Come on, Lois. |
| Peter Griffin | Can't we all run around in a disorganized fashion? |
| Meg Griffin | MEG: Yeah! |
| Stewie Griffin | STEWIE: Let it go, Lois! |
| Chris Griffin | CHRIS: Monkeys throw their poop! |
| Lois Griffin | If we don't adhere to a strict schedule, we won't see everything. |
| Peter Griffin | Kids, gas masks. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Run! |
| [Cheery instrumental music] |
| Stewie Griffin | There you are. Don't be such a pig, Mr. Pig. |
| Stewie Griffin | Now, where's Mr. Sheep? Is he being baaa-shful? |
| Stewie Griffin | [Laughing] |
| Stewie Griffin | That's right. You're all ripe for parody. |
| Brian Griffin | Can we go now? |
| Stewie Griffin | Shut up! I'm having fun. |
| Stewie Griffin | Oh, my! Someone's awfully rude. My fanny is not on the menu! |
| Stewie Griffin | What? |
| Stewie Griffin | STEWIE: Oh, God! |
| Peter Griffin | Here, little fella. Come get the food. |
| Peter Griffin | I have always wanted to do this. |
| Lois Griffin | Here are the marsupials. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, what the hell are you doing? |
| Peter Griffin | Look at me, Lois. I'm Roo! Come on, Ma. |
| Peter Griffin | Let's go watch Pooh trick the bees out of their honey by pretending he's a rain cloud. |
| Stewie Griffin | I am going to kick your ass. |
| Lois Griffin | [Singing] "It seems today that all you see |
| Lois Griffin | "is violence in movies and sex on TV |
| Peter Griffin | "But where are those good, old-fashioned values |
| Peter Griffin | "on which we used to rely? |
| All | "Lucky there's a family guy |
| All | "Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you |
| All | "all the things that make us |
| Stewie Griffin | "laugh 'n' cry |
| All | "He's a family guy" |
| [Soft instrumental jazz] |
| [Sentimental instrumental music] |
| Brian Griffin | How's it going? |
| Man | Great. Beautiful day. |
| Brian Griffin | Gorgeous. |
| Brian Griffin | We sit here and force small talk while they have the time of their lives. |
| Man | Yeah. Yeah. |
| Brian Griffin | [Whistles] |
| Man | Here, girl. |
| Brian Griffin | [Sighing] |
| Brian Griffin | Sorry. I thought I smelled cookies. |
| Mort Goldman | Wow! Does it really smell like... |
| Mort Goldman | Oh, God! She farted, and it went down my throat! |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Full house. |
| Cleveland | CLEVELAND: Dagnab! |
| Cleveland | That's some poker face you've got, Peter. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Years of practice, boys. |
| Joe Swanson | JOE: Peter, you're on a roll. |
| Joe Swanson | We ought to get you down to Atlantic City this weekend. |
| Peter Griffin | Sorry, guys. Lois is making me visit the in-laws this weekend. |
| Peter Griffin | I don't know why she bothers. |
| Peter Griffin | Me and Lois's old man have never gotten along. |
| Peter Griffin | I got an e-mail from Mr. Pewterschmidt! |
| Cleveland | You should find some common ground with your father-in-law, Peter figure out what he likes, and study up on it. |
| Peter Griffin | That's a great idea. |
| Peter Griffin | I'll learn how to act like a rich guy. I'm gonna start right now. |
| Peter Griffin | Cratchit, you're working Christmas! |
| Cratchit | But, sir, what of Tiny Tim? |
| Peter Griffin | Bah! He and his ukulele shall go wanting. |
| Peter Griffin | The New Yorker. I bet Lois's dad reads this. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: "I'd be more apathetic if I weren't so lethargic." |
| [Crickets chirping] |
| [Crickets chirping] |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, I get it. That's kind of funny. |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah. Can I have a copy of Jugs? |
| Peter Griffin | In French, when you want to say "yes," you say "oui, oui." |
| Peter Griffin | You gotta be kidding me! Oh, my God! That is hysterical! |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, man! And what do you say for no? "Doo-doo"? |
| Peter Griffin | I'll be right back. I gotta go take a wicked "yes." |
| [Regal instrumental music] |
| Guy | [Exclaiming with comprehension] |
| Guy | GUY: It's a person. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, would you please fix the bathroom faucet? |
| Peter Griffin | I fixed it already. |
| Lois Griffin | You didn't. It's still dripping. |
| Peter Griffin | No way! I will give you all my Star Wars cards if it is. |
| Peter Griffin | Wait, wait. Except Boba Fett. |
| Peter Griffin | No matter how sure I am, I never risk the Fett man. |
| Lois Griffin | Oh, my God! |
| Lois Griffin | [Gasping] |
| Lois Griffin | Was he just... |
| Peter Griffin | Yes. |
| Lois Griffin | Oh, my! |
| Peter Griffin | Do we rub his nose in it? |
| Lois Griffin | Hi, Brian. |
| Brian Griffin | Listen, Lois, about yesterday... |
| Lois Griffin | Oh, Brian. |
| Lois Griffin | It's nothing to be embarrassed about. It's perfectly normal. |
| Brian Griffin | I know. It's just I should be able to control my baser instincts. |
| Brian Griffin | But lately I've just been having these urges. |
| Lois Griffin | Why don't you come up to my parents' house with us? |
| Lois Griffin | The fresh air will help you relax. |
| Stewie Griffin | I know where I go when I want to relax. |
| Stewie Griffin | I know the guy that owns this place! |
| Man | What? |
| Stewie Griffin | I said, I know the guy that... I'll tell you later. I love this song. |
| [Dance music playing] |
| Brian Griffin | Thanks. But I think a quiet weekend here by myself is just the thing I need. |
| Lois Griffin | Have a good time. |
| Brian Griffin | I'm just gonna relax, mellow out, and watch some television. |
| Announcer | We now return to World's Sluttiest Dogs on Fox. |
| Brian Griffin | Hey, wait up! |
| Peter Griffin | [Peter laughs] |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Right into the bumper. |
| [Cheery instrumental music] |
| [Cheery instrumental music] |
| Lois Griffin | Hi, Mom. |
| Nana | NANA: Look at you all. |
| Nana | I know someone who's getting a gift certificate for liposuction in her stocking. |
| Meg Griffin | Thank you, Nana. |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | Hello, everyone. |
| Lois Griffin | Hi, Daddy. |
| Peter Griffin | Bonjour, Monsieur Pewterschmidt. |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | Did Peter have a stroke? |
| Lois Griffin | No, Daddy. Peter's cultured himself, like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | So I should treat him like a high-class whore. |
| Peter Griffin | That's fine. Just no kissing on the lips. |
| Nana | Would you like a piece of candy? |
| Stewie Griffin | I smell death on you! |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Ahoy, Mr. Pewterschmidt. Permission to come aboard? |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | No! |
| Peter Griffin | Thanks. |
| Peter Griffin | Quite a schooner you got here. What is she? Like, a 45-footer? |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | Peter, I didn't know you were a sailor. |
| Peter Griffin | I didn't know you looked so good in shorts. |
| Peter Griffin | [Whistling and purring] |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | What? |
| Peter Griffin | You don't have an eye spliced in this line. |
| Peter Griffin | I'll tie a bowline in there and make one for you. |
| Peter Griffin | That should hold her. |
| Man | And this is a '74 Pinot Noir. |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | Lovely. |
| Man | Carter, did you tell your son-in-law he's not supposed to swallow the wine? |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: [Slurring] Where the hell is that Peter Griffin? |
| Peter Griffin | He said he'd give me $100 if I took off all my clothes off. |
| Peter Griffin | [Growling] |
| Brian Griffin | BRIAN: Thanks for bringing me here. I needed this. |
| Lois Griffin | I'm glad. It seems like everybody's having a lot of fun. |
| Maseus | How long are you and your family in town? |
| Stewie Griffin | No conversation. |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | CARTER: You idiot! I'm never taking you to my country club again! |
| Peter Griffin | Look, I'm sorry, Mr. Pewterschmidt. |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | Your husband is a moron! |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | He walks up to the premier of China and says: |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | "Dong, where is my automobile?" |
| Peter Griffin | Lois, I tried to fit in with your dad's crowd, but it's worse than before. |
| Peter Griffin | This sucks worse than that time I was on Survivor. |
| Peter Griffin | How dare you wash your clothes in our drinking water, Bebe? |
| Peter Griffin | Now how are we gonna survive in this harsh, unforgiving terrain? |
| ? | Donny, make sure the wheel goes all the way around. |
| Peter Griffin | [Fakes being afraid] Oh, no. Headhunters. Am I fired? |
| Lois Griffin | Daddy, Peter's been trying really hard to get you to like him. |
| Lois Griffin | Could you give him another chance? |
| Lois Griffin | Let him join your poker game tomorrow night? |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | Sorry, honey. I'd rather be stuck in an elevator with Nathan Lane Gilbert Gottfried, Carrot Top Sean Hayes... You get the picture. |
| Lois Griffin | Please? |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | No! |
| Lois Griffin | Okay. |
| Lois Griffin | Maybe later I'll take Mom by the shoeshine place and introduce her to that nice mulatto boy who looks an awful lot like... |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | Would Peter like to play poker with us? |
| Lois Griffin | He'd love to, Daddy. |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | That sounds dynamite. |
| [Cheery instrumental music] |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | Brian, come over here and meet Sea Breeze, my prize-winning dog. |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | Isn't she a perfect specimen? |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | I mean, look at these legs, and that beautiful coat and feel the heat coming off of her genitalia. |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | You could roast a marshmallow. You can tell she's a champion. |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | Go on. Put your hand there. |
| Brian Griffin | Oh, boy. That is something. |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | Is that something? |
| Brian Griffin | That is something. That is hot. |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | Isn't she the most beautiful dog you've ever seen? |
| Brian Griffin | Yes, she is a beautiful dog. |
| Brian Griffin | And that's okay. |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | Gentlemen, this is Peter. He's the idiot my daughter married. |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | Michael Eisner. |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | Bill Gates. |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | Bill, Peter's an antitrust lawyer with the Justice Department. |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | Just kidding. He's a fisherman, or some stupid thing. |
| Ted Turner | Hey, fellas. |
| Peter Griffin | Wow! Ted Turner! |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | I told you guys not to invite him. |
| Bill Gates | He must have followed us. |
| Ted Turner | TURNER: Come on, ladies. Are we gonna play cards or what? |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | Peter, why don't you deal? |
| Peter Griffin | Okay. We're playing Texas Hold 'Em. |
| Michael Eisner | Are aces high or low? |
| Peter Griffin | They go both ways. |
| Bill Gates | He said, "They go both ways." |
| [AII laughing] |
| Ted Turner | Like a bisexual. |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | Thank you, Ted. That was the joke. |
| Ted Turner | I see your bet, Carter. And I raise you CNN. |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | I don't think I can... |
| Peter Griffin | Wait, wait, wait. |
| Peter Griffin | You can beat him, Mr. Pewterschmidt. He's bluffing. |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | Peter, he just bet CNN. There's no way he's bluffing. |
| Peter Griffin | I'm sure he is. He's got a tell. |
| Peter Griffin | If you lose this hand, I'll divorce your daughter. |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | I'm in. All right, Teddy. I'll see your CNN with US Steel. |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | What do you got? |
| Ted Turner | Two pair. |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | Ace-high straight. |
| Ted Turner | You sold me out. |
| Ted Turner | I could use a man like you. How's $1 million a year sound? |
| Ted Turner | You disgust me! Get out of my face! |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | Peter, that's the first time any of us have ever beaten Ted. |
| Bill Gates | Yeah. How did you know he was bluffing? |
| Peter Griffin | When he lies, he blinks twice. |
| Peter Griffin | I noticed it when he did that Barbara Walters interview. |
| Peter Griffin | He said he'd be with Jane Fonda forever. |
| Bill Gates | I'm gonna turn in. |
| Michael Eisner | Yeah. Me, too. |
| Michael Eisner | I gotta be at Disneyland before it opens. |
| Michael Eisner | We're ethnically cleansing "Small World." |
| Peter Griffin | Come on. You guys practically run this country. |
| Peter Griffin | There's gotta be a ton of fun stuff we could do. |
| Bill Gates | All right! |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, man! There's a tollbooth. |
| Peter Griffin | Anybody got a quarter? |
| Bill Gates | What's a quarter? |
| Peter Griffin | We gotta give him something. |
| [AII laughing] |
| Peter Griffin | Man, looking up at the sky just makes you feel so small. |
| Bill Gates | Yeah. I mean, if God created all this, who created God? |
| Michael Eisner | Maybe he created himself. |
| Peter Griffin | Or herself. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Think about that. |
| Bill Gates | Neat. This guy's deep, Carter. Where'd you find him? |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | He's my son-in-law. |
| [Cell phone rings] |
| Bill Gates | Okay, honey. I gotta go, you want a ride? |
| Michael Eisner | Sure. |
| Peter Griffin | Wow! |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | Peter, I actually had a good time with you tonight. |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | And I just want to say, I'm glad you married my daughter. |
| Peter Griffin | Thank you, Jesus. |
| Jesus | Actually, it wasn't me. It was... |
| Buddah | No, no. It's okay. I'm used to it. |
| Lois Griffin | Having fun, Peter? |
| Peter Griffin | You bet. |
| Peter Griffin | I put all my poker winnings on your dog, Mr. P. |
| Brian Griffin | Dog? |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | You got nothing to worry about. Sea Breeze is a sure thing. |
| Brian Griffin | Sea Breeze? |
| Chris Griffin | Dad, where are the jockeys? |
| Peter Griffin | They're all in the laundry, son. I'm going Indian today. |
| Chris Griffin | Come on, Sea Breeze! |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah! |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Come on! Come on! |
| Peter Griffin | Go! Go! Go! |
| Lois Griffin | [Sighing] |
| Lois Griffin | What's Brian doing? |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | Oh, my God! |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | He's violating Sea Breeze! |
| Peter Griffin | He's just awkwardly positioning himself... |
| Peter Griffin | Now he's violating Sea Breeze. |
| Stewie Griffin | [Making funky music] |
| Brian Griffin | Mr. Pewterschmidt, I just want to tell you how sorry I am about this. |
| Brian Griffin | I don't know what came over me. |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | You had better not have ruined my race dog! |
| Peter Griffin | Brian, I am very disappointed in you! |
| Peter Griffin | I'd turn my back on you, but I've seen what you do in that situation. |
| Peter Griffin | Now, if you'll excuse me, Carter and I have a polio match to attend. |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | Get away from me! You and that filthy mongrel of yours! |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | How is she, Doctor? |
| Doctor | She's fine. |
| Doctor | Sea Breeze will be able to race again. |
| Doctor | But, unfortunately, not for another nine weeks. |
| Doctor | She's pregnant. |
| Brian Griffin | Mr. Pewterschmidt, I want you to know, I'm going to do the right thing. |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | You're not doing anything! |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | You're never going to see Sea Breeze again! |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | All of you, pack your things and get out! |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | I am never speaking to you again. |
| Peter Griffin | Don't worry, Mr. Pewterschmidt. I have a plan. |
| Peter Griffin | I am gonna go back in time and stop Brian from getting it on with your dog. |
| Peter Griffin | Everybody stand back. |
| Peter Griffin | [Peter wailing] |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, boy. |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, God. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Mr. Pewterschmidt, please? Can we still be pals? |
| Peter Griffin | See, look. I made a picture of you and me out of glue and macaroni. |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | Wow! That means a lot to me because you made it. |
| Peter Griffin | Really? |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | No! Get out of here! |
| Peter Griffin | Mr. Pewterschmidt! Sea Breeze is gone! |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | What? |
| Lois Griffin | I can't find Brian. |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | Peter, you know what I'm going to do to you if Brian took off with my Sea Breeze? |
| Peter Griffin | I think I have an idea. |
| Peter Griffin | [Peter sobbing] |
| Man | This is the room. The light switch is here. It's mostly for show. |
| Man | There's your Murphy bed. |
| Man | Don't mind the Epsteins. They keep to themselves. |
| Mrs. Epstein | We're going to see Bobby Darin at the Copa tomorrow, right, Charlie? |
| Mr. Epstein | Bobby Darin tomorrow. |
| Man | This is the bathroom. But watch out. We got some bad roaches here. |
| Roach 1 | You're on our turf, man! |
| Roach 2 | Man, I cut you! |
| Roach 2 | I cut you up so bad, you gonna wish I no cut you up so bad. |
| Brian Griffin | Those are bad roaches. |
| Man | I blame the schools. |
| [Mysterious instrumental music] |
| Brian Griffin | Were you followed? |
| Lois Griffin | Don't worry. I've got a decoy. |
| Quagmire | Hi, Lois. Hubba-hubba. Whoa, Lois! You put on a few, huh? |
| Chris Griffin | Well, I never! |
| Stewie Griffin | That's all right. I don't think he was the one anyway. |
| Stewie Griffin | Now, let's go get sundaes. |
| Lois Griffin | We all really miss you. |
| Lois Griffin | And Peter talks about you all the time. |
| Brian Griffin | Really? Anything nice? |
| Lois Griffin | No. |
| Brian Griffin | So, he's still mad, huh? |
| Lois Griffin | I should go. Here. Take this. |
| Lois Griffin | It's probably not a good idea for us to meet anymore. |
| Lois Griffin | Daddy swore he'd track you down any way he could. |
| [Dramatic instrumental music] |
| Michael Eisner | EISNER: Bingo! |
| Bill Gates | GATES: I told you she'd lead us to him. |
| Bill Gates | Let's call Pewterschmidt. |
| Michael Eisner | No, wait. Let's take the jetpacks! |
| Bill Gates | Cool! |
| Michael Eisner | Man! The people look like ants from up here. |
| Bill Gates | They are ants, Michael. They are ants. |
| Trishia Takanawa | This is Trisha Takanawa reporting live, where police have discovered the whereabouts of Sea Breeze, the heiress to the Pewterschmidt fortune. |
| Trishia Takanawa | The dognapper has been traced to this sleazy motel. |
| Trishia Takanawa | I see my colleague Tom Tucker is already on the scene. |
| Prostitute | Who's that, baby? |
| Tom Tucker | This is Tom Tucker's evil twin, Todd Tucker out to destroy his brother's reputation. |
| Tom Tucker | [Laughing] |
| Tom Tucker | I'm going back inside to have freaky sex with my prostitute with whom I still have 45 minutes. Now, back to this breaking news. |
| [Suspenseful instrumental music] |
| Lois Griffin | Brian, please, eat something. |
| Brian Griffin | Why bother? My face is plastered all over the news. |
| Brian Griffin | Your father won't let me see the dog who's carrying my puppies. |
| Brian Griffin | My best friend is going to incredible lengths to ignore me. |
| Lois Griffin | Brian, don't let him get to you. Peter, come out of that thing! |
| Brian Griffin | He can't hear you, Lois. |
| Brian Griffin | Besides, it's not him that's getting to me, it's your father. |
| Lois Griffin | I'm sorry. I talked to him. |
| Lois Griffin | But he wouldn't budge. He can be so stubborn. |
| Lois Griffin | I don't know how my mother puts up with it. |
| Lois Griffin | He did promise to take care of the puppies though. |
| Brian Griffin | They're not his to take care of. |
| Brian Griffin | They're my kids! And I'm gonna get them back. |
| Brian Griffin | My father wasn't there for me, but I'm gonna be there for my kids! |
| Brian Griffin | I'm gonna sue your dad for custody! |
| [Solemn instrumental music] |
| Lois Griffin | Daddy, please, stop this. |
| Lois Griffin | Brian has every right to see his puppies when they're born. |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | Sorry, pumpkin. |
| Lois Griffin | I had no idea you could be so cruel. I'll never forgive you for this! |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | You'll be fine. You're just having your period. |
| Judge | This court will now come to order. |
| Lawyer | LAWYER: Brian, do you like children? |
| Brian Griffin | I love children. That's why I'm here. |
| Brian Griffin | I want the opportunity to raise my puppies. |
| Lawyer | Do you remember an incident at a South Attleboro Denny's in December of 1996? |
| Brian Griffin | Yeah, I guess. |
| Baby 1 | [Baby screaming] |
| Brian Griffin | [Brian screaming] |
| Brian Griffin | You like that? You like that? |
| Baby 1 | [Screaming] |
| Brian Griffin | You just tune this out, don't you? |
| Brian Griffin | Tune this out! |
| Brian Griffin | [Screaming] |
| [Both scream] |
| [Both scream] |
| Brian Griffin | Shut up! |
| Brian Griffin | Look, I was angry because my Moon Over Mi-Hammy was overcooked... |
| Lawyer | I also have your rental records from the Quahog Video Store. |
| Lawyer | Can you read the last two titles, please? |
| Brian Griffin | Son-In-Law and Bio-dome. |
| Lawyer | And who's the star of those films? |
| Brian Griffin | Pauly Shore. |
| Lawyer | Pauly Shore! |
| Man | MAN: He's terrible! |
| Brian Griffin | But I rented those for Peter. |
| Brian Griffin | He got banned from the store for taping over their movies. |
| [Mysterious music on TV] |
| ? | Rosebud. |
| [Dramatic music on TV] |
| Peter Griffin | It's his sled. It was his sled from when he was a kid. |
| Peter Griffin | There. I just saved you two long, boobless hours. |
| Lawyer | How convenient! Blame it on someone else. |
| Lawyer | Is that the kind of man we want raising these puppies? |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | Peter? |
| Brian Griffin | You got to believe me, Your Honor. |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | Peter, I'm putting together another card game. You in? |
| Peter Griffin | You want me to play? |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | Absolutely. |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | But first I want you to testify against that horny mutt of yours. |
| Peter Griffin | I don't know if I can do that. |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | That's too bad. |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | Bill and Michael really want to see you again. |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | They're coming over later. Bill's bringing his Stretch Armstrong. |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, man! And his arms stretch out to next week! |
| Lawyer | Your Honor, Peter Griffin would like to take the stand. |
| Lawyer | Which of the following two phrases best describes Brian Griffin? |
| Lawyer | "Problem drinker" or "African-American haberdasher"? |
| Peter Griffin | I guess "problem drinker." But that's... |
| Lawyer | Thank you. "Sexual deviant" or "magic picture that you stare at till you see something"? |
| Peter Griffin | "Sexual deviant," but that other one's... |
| Lawyer | Thank you. Isn't it true that you told my client, Carter Pewterschmidt that Brian is a menace to society and should never be allowed to see his children? |
| [AII gasping] |
| [Suspenseful instrumental music] |
| Peter Griffin | Brian should be allowed to see his puppies! |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | Peter, think about what you're doing. |
| Peter Griffin | I am. Your Honor, Brian'll be a great dad. |
| Peter Griffin | If I was like Brian, I'd know that Chris's favorite ice cream is... |
| Brian Griffin | Chocolate-chip. |
| Peter Griffin | And Stewie's favorite bedtime story... |
| Brian Griffin | Goodnight, Moon. |
| Peter Griffin | And Meg's real father's name... |
| Brian Griffin | Stan Thompson. |
| Meg Griffin | [Pop music on headphones] |
| Judge | I've heard enough. I do believe that Brian would be a successful parent. |
| Judge | But if he was to repeat his actions at the dog track he would be setting a bad example for his puppies. |
| Judge | Therefore, I grant Brian custody with the condition that he be neutered first. |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah! You did it, buddy! Congratulations! Oh, man! |
| Peter Griffin | What does "neutered" mean? |
| Peter Griffin | You're almost there, Sea Breeze. |
| Peter Griffin | Also, I didn't bring this up before, but promise me you won't eat any of them. |
| Peter Griffin | It occurs to me that this is like a Greek tragedy where a man must choose between himself and his children. |
| Peter Griffin | Of course, you'll be playing the role of "Sans Testaclese." |
| Veternarian | We're ready for you, down the hall. |
| Peter Griffin | Are you sure you want to go through with this? |
| Peter Griffin | Because you could have puppies with another dog. |
| Peter Griffin | Maybe with a condor! Then you'd have flying puppies. |
| Peter Griffin | Would you like that, Brian? Flying puppies? |
| Brian Griffin | No, Peter. |
| Brian Griffin | Those puppies in there are mine. And I'll give anything to be with them. |
| Brian Griffin | Anything. |
| Peter Griffin | I am not looking forward to what you'll be like once they do this to you. |
| Brian Griffin | I love chocolate! |
| Brian Griffin | But I can't eat it, because then I'll get fat. |
| Brian Griffin | But it's so good! |
| Veternarian | Are you ready, Brian? |
| Brian Griffin | I guess so. |
| Lois Griffin | Stop! Brian, come quick! |
| Brian Griffin | Oh, my God! Those aren't my puppies! |
| Peter Griffin | Then whose are they? |
| [AII barking] |
| Mr. Pewterschmidt | You! You're a whore! A filthy, filthy whore! |
| Lois Griffin | You must be so relieved. |
| Brian Griffin | Actually, I was kind of looking forward to being a dad. |
| Peter Griffin | Don't worry. There'll be other chances. |
| Peter Griffin | You know what's funny? I always thought that dogs laid eggs. |
| Peter Griffin | And I learned something today. |
| [Theme music] |