| Brian Griffin | Hi, I'm Brian Griffin. |
| Stewie Griffin | And I'm Stewart. |
| Brian Griffin | Many of you have written to the show with suggestions you'd like to see. |
| Stewie Griffin | They're mostly god-awful. |
| [Canned laughter] |
| Brian Griffin | Tonight we took your advice and produced three of our favorite suggestions. |
| Stewie Griffin | Favorites? Oh, that's charitable. |
| [Canned laughter] |
| Brian Griffin | What is that? |
| Stewie Griffin | I got this from Dharma and Greg. |
| Brian Griffin | I'm surprised there's anything left in it. |
| Stewie & Brian | Whoa! |
| Brian Griffin | Enjoy. |
| Lois Griffin | [Singing] "It seems today that all you see |
| Lois Griffin | "is violence in movies and sex on TV |
| Peter Griffin | "But where are those good, old-fashioned values |
| Peter Griffin | "on which we used to rely? |
| All | "Lucky there's a family guy |
| All | "Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you |
| All | "all the things that make us |
| Stewie Griffin | "laugh 'n' cry |
| All | "He's a family guy" |
| [Cheerful instrumental music] |
| Announcer | And now back to The Newlywed Game. |
| Host | Carol, how did Nick answer the following: |
| Host | "The last thing I would ever give my wife is 'blank'?" |
| Wife | A little spending money? |
| Host | I'm sorry. That's incorrect. Nick actually said "the antidote." |
| Wife | Nick, what are you talking about? |
| Lois Griffin | Meg, you were right. |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, my God! A genie! |
| Genie | I am here to grant you three wishes. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, three wishes! This is so exciting! |
| Meg Griffin | I want a new hat! |
| Chris Griffin | I want a new hat! |
| Stewie Griffin | I want them to have new hats! |
| Lois Griffin | Kids, these are your father's wishes. Go ahead. Get whatever you want. |
| Peter Griffin | That's easy. I wish I could see what Kelly Ripa was like off the set. |
| Genie | So it shall be. |
| Regis Philbin | Great show today, Kelly. |
| Kelly Rippa | Thanks, Reg. You, too. |
| Regis Philbin | Kelly, Gelman needs us on stage for some re-shoots. |
| Kelly Rippa | Be right there, Reg. I just have to put on my face. |
| Lois Griffin | My goodness! Did you see the size of that dressing room? |
| Peter Griffin | Yes. They must really want to keep her. |
| Genie | Your second wish? |
| Peter Griffin | I got just the thing. I wish I had my own theme music. |
| Genie | Done! |
| Peter Griffin | I don't hear anything. |
| Genie | Get up. Try it out. |
| [Harp trill] |
| [Piano chord] |
| [Piano chord] |
| [Cheerful instrumental music] |
| Peter Griffin | Sweet. |
| [Harp trill] |
| [Orchestra crescendo] |
| [Cheerful instrumental music] |
| [Sentimental instrumental music] |
| [Cheerful instrumental music] |
| [Sexy instrumental music] |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah, yeah, yeah. |
| [Cheerful instrumental music] |
| Man | Hey, buddy, want to turn that stuff down? |
| Peter Griffin | Come on, pal. That's classic traveling music. |
| Peter Griffin | Try to enjoy it. |
| Peter Griffin | [Singing] "Riding on a bus |
| Peter Griffin | "Sitting next to bums There's an open seat |
| Peter Griffin | "Hope that isn't pee" |
| Man | Yeah! I'm sick of hearing it! |
| Peter Griffin | Look, I'm sorry, buddy. I can't turn it off. |
| Man | Well, then I'm gonna break every bone in your body. |
| Peter Griffin | I wish I had no bones! |
| Genie | Done. |
| Peter Griffin | That ought to show you! |
| [Passengers screaming] |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, no. I got to fart. But I don't know which way to lean. |
| Peter Griffin | I know you might be a little concerned about me not having bones and all. |
| Peter Griffin | But I got to tell you, it's not that bad. |
| Chris Griffin | Dad's just like Silly Putty. |
| Chris Griffin | Look what I can do to Mary Worth's smug sense of self-satisfaction. |
| Peter Griffin | That's right, son. Take her down a peg. |
| Lois Griffin | I guess we could all adjust to this. |
| Stewie Griffin | Look! I'm making an angel! |
| Peter Griffin | See, Lois? Everything's gonna be fine. |
| Stewie Griffin | Now, smile while I write my name in you. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Let go! |
| Peter Griffin | [Peter laughing] |
| Peter Griffin | [Peter screaming] |
| Chris Griffin | But, Mom, I've got to use the bathroom now! |
| Lois Griffin | I'm sorry, but your father gets incredibly filthy rolling around everywhere. |
| Peter Griffin | He just has to take his 12 baths a day. |
| Chris Griffin | I don't like Dad anymore! |
| Chris Griffin | I invited some friends over to jump on him like a trampoline but his roll of fat sucked up Ryan's shoe! |
| Chris Griffin | And his mom yelled at him when he got home! |
| Chris Griffin | And he beat me up at school the next day! It's all here in this pamphlet. |
| Lois Griffin | Kids, we just have to learn to accept this. |
| Lois Griffin | Like one of those stories on Dateline where a family member suffers a horrible accident and becomes a burden on everybody. |
| Lois Griffin | Sure they pretend to be happy, but they're dead inside. They're dead. |
| Lois Griffin | And that'll be our lives. |
| Peter Griffin | What a big, boneless jerk I am! I might have screwed up my life but there's no reason I got to keep screwing up theirs. |
| Peter Griffin | Good-bye, cruel, bone-filled world! |
| [Dramatic instrumental music] |
| Peter Griffin | [Peter yelling] |
| Peter Griffin | So this is where all the waste and sewage winds up. |
| Director | DIRECTOR: Cut and print. That's a wrap. |
| Director | Great job, Peter. Coming to the wrap party tonight? |
| Peter Griffin | Gee, I don't know. |
| Peter Griffin | I got a standup comedy class I'm taking at The Learning Annex. |
| Peter Griffin | Actually, I won't be a standup comic, I'll be more like an amorphous-blob comic. |
| Peter Griffin | I gotta write that one down! |
| Director | Nonsense! I'll have the studio send a flatbed for you! See you at 8:00! |
| [Soft piano music playing] |
| Cathrine Zeta-Jones | There's something I've been wanting to say to you all evening. |
| Peter Griffin | What's that, Mrs. Catherine Zeta-Jones-Douglas? |
| Cathrine Zeta-Jones | I want to jump your non-bones. |
| Peter Griffin | Jeez! I can't believe I'm your type. |
| Cathrine Zeta-Jones | As you can tell from my husband, I've got a thing for saggy, shapeless men. |
| Michael Douglas | I'm married to Catherine Zeta-Jones. Will you sleep with me? |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah, I'm gonna have to pass. |
| Peter Griffin | But Louie Anderson's eating the soap in the bathroom. |
| Peter Griffin | Why don't you try him? |
| Doctor | Excuse me. Aren't you Peter, the human stunt bag? |
| Peter Griffin | That depends on who's asking. |
| Doctor | I'm a doctor, conducting an experimental procedure to give bones to a jellyfish. |
| Doctor | I'd like to try it on a human first. Interested? |
| Peter Griffin | I don't know. |
| Doctor | Interested? |
| Peter Griffin | Did you just say that? |
| Doctor | Yes. |
| Peter Griffin | I'll do it! |
| Doctor | Peter, the operation was a complete success! |
| Doctor | What are you going to do now? |
| Peter Griffin | The whole reason I had the operation was so I could go back to my family. |
| Peter Griffin | But it's been so long. What if they don't love me anymore? |
| Doctor | Peter, where do you think all those bones came from? |
| Lois Griffin | Surprise! |
| Peter Griffin | My God! You mean, it's your bones that are inside me? |
| Stewie Griffin | Well, mostly. We picked up a drifter to fill in the torso. |
| Lois Griffin | Like I always say, a family of freaks is better than no family at all! |
| Peter Griffin | Let's go home. |
| Peter Griffin | You know what's weird? This was covered by my HMO. |
| [Dramatic instrumental music] |
| Trucker 1 | Hey, Terry, you dare me to pop a wheelie in this thing? |
| Trucker 2 | That doesn't sound safe at all, but, okay, I dare you. |
| Trucker 2 | Wow! That was great! |
| [Suspenseful instrumental music] |
| The Count | COUNT: Six! Six bats! Seven! Seven bats! |
| Peter Griffin | Is the Count a vampire? |
| Brian Griffin | What's that? |
| Peter Griffin | He's got those big fangs. |
| Peter Griffin | Have they ever shown him doing somebody in and then feeding on him? |
| Brian Griffin | You're asking if they've ever done a Sesame Street in which the Count kills somebody and then sucks their blood for sustenance. |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah. |
| Brian Griffin | They've never done that. |
| Lois Griffin | Everybody come quick! There's something in the yard! |
| Lois Griffin | It looks like the back of a tanker truck. |
| Peter Griffin | Wow! |
| Peter Griffin | What do you think's inside? |
| Chris Griffin | Maybe it's candy! |
| Lois Griffin | Chris, no! |
| Peter Griffin | Lois, Lois, let him dream. |
| ? | What is this stuff? |
| ? | It's some kind of nuclear waste. |
| Stewie Griffin | Tell me, does anyone else feel a trifle queasy? |
| Stewie Griffin | What? Do I have a boogie? |
| Stewie Griffin | I say, it appears my cranium has doubled in size! |
| Stewie Griffin | How delightful! |
| Stewie Griffin | This toxic stew seems to have given me telekinetic abilities. |
| Chris Griffin | I can make fire! |
| Peter Griffin | Chris, come here a second. |
| Peter Griffin | This is gonna be hilarious. Okay, on the count of three. |
| Peter Griffin | One, two, three. |
| Stewie Griffin | Do it again! |
| Lois Griffin | All right, everyone. Clearly, something very strange has happened here. |
| Lois Griffin | We each seem to have acquired superpowers from that nuclear waste. |
| Lois Griffin | We've been given a gift. |
| Lois Griffin | And whether that gift is Chris' fire conjuring Stewie's telekinesis, Brian's super-speed... |
| Brian Griffin | Ask how the Queen of England is. |
| Lois Griffin | How's the Queen... |
| Brian Griffin | She's great. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter's morphing ability... |
| Peter Griffin | Lois, I'm a wishing troll. |
| Lois Griffin | or Meg's super-amazing ability to grow her fingernails... |
| Meg Griffin | [Sighs] |
| Lois Griffin | and not to abuse them for personal gain. Understand? |
| Brian Griffin | Yes. |
| Chris Griffin | Yep. |
| Meg Griffin | MEG: Yes. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: Got it. |
| Lois Griffin | I forgot the detergent. |
| Lois Griffin | Excuse me, would you watch him for a moment? |
| Clerk | Sure thing, ma'am. |
| Clerk | Whoa there, little guy. You got to pay for that. |
| Stewie Griffin | Go suck a railroad spike. I haven't got any money. |
| Clerk | Then I am afraid I am gonna have to take it away from you. |
| Clerk | [Screaming] |
| Clerk | Oh, God! Please help me! |
| [Honking] |
| Lois Griffin | Move it, you slowpoke! The light's green! |
| Man | What does that cloud look like to you? To me it looks like rain! |
| Man | I used that joke at work. I'm the funniest guy at the office. |
| Man | They say I should do standup. |
| Lois Griffin | This is insane! |
| Meg Griffin | Oh, my God, Dad! 'NSYNC is in town. |
| Meg Griffin | If you can get me a lock of Justin's hair I'll never ask you for shopping money again. |
| Meg Griffin | Please? |
| Peter Griffin | We promised Lois we'd use our powers responsibly. |
| Peter Griffin | But I suppose doing the exact opposite couldn't hurt. |
| Justin Timberlake | Do you want to split a Toblerone? |
| Backstreet Boy | Oh, gosh. Yeah. I think I do. |
| Backstreet Boy | [Whistles like a train] |
| Backstreet Boy | Next stop, my thighs! |
| Peter Griffin | All right, Meg, wait here. I'll be right back. |
| Peter Griffin | Hi there. Britney Spears. You mind if I go in? |
| Security Guard | Not at all, Miss Spears. |
| Peter Griffin | Call me Peter. |
| Peter Griffin | Hey there, fellas. |
| Justin Timberlake | Britney? What are you doing here? |
| Peter Griffin | I was just in the neighborhood, I'm gonna steal one of your beers and figured I'd stop by and say hi. You mind if I have a seat? |
| Peter Griffin | I am out of shape. |
| Peter Griffin | Justin, I got a favor to ask you. |
| Justin Timberlake | What is it? |
| Peter Griffin | I got a hole in my muffler and I need something to plug it with. |
| Peter Griffin | Can I have some of your hair? |
| Justin Timberlake | I guess so. |
| Peter Griffin | Great. Thanks. |
| Peter Griffin | All right, hold still now. |
| Peter Griffin | You'll be fine. Hey, come here. Give me a kiss. |
| Peter Griffin | I'm Gene Shalit now! Bye! |
| Bartender | Here's your martini, ma'am. |
| Woman | Thanks. |
| Woman | It's gone! |
| Bartender | I'm sorry, ma'am. Here's another one. |
| Woman | What the hell is going on here? |
| Brian Griffin | Hi. Can I get some pretzels or something? I got to drive. |
| Brian Griffin | Did you bring enough breasts for the rest of the class? |
| Chris Griffin | Hector, how long have we known each other? |
| Hector | Since first grade. |
| Chris Griffin | Yeah, yeah. |
| Chris Griffin | You remember that time you called me "Chris Gristle"? |
| Hector | I think so. |
| Chris Griffin | Well, burn for it! |
| Hector | [Screaming] |
| Tom Tucker | It's a bird, it's a plane, it's a lower-middle-class Irish family. |
| Diane Simmons | That's right, Tom. |
| Diane Simmons | This is one of many public disturbances caused by the Griffin family of Quahog who seem to have acquired superpowers. |
| Tom Tucker | Very strange story, Diane. Coming up next, can bees think? |
| Tom Tucker | A new study confirms that, no, they cannot. |
| Mayor West | Citizens of Quahog, we have a problem! |
| Justin Timberlake | You're damn right we do! Peter Griffin stole my hair! |
| Mayor West | Settle down, Jeffrey! |
| Justin Timberlake | Justin. |
| Mayor West | Mike. Clearly, the Griffin family is out of control. |
| Mayor West | But not to fear. I've tangled with super-beings before. |
| Mayor West | And they can be stopped! |
| Peter Griffin | You can't stop us, Mayor West! |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: We are all-powerful! |
| Mayor West | Clearly, you've let yourselves become drunk with power. |
| Peter Griffin | Silence! |
| Peter Griffin | We demand obedience! |
| Meg Griffin | Or else! |
| Man | Is that all you can do? That kind of hurt! |
| Man | Is that bleeding? I guess it's all right. Ouch, though. |
| Peter Griffin | Anyone who opposes our demands will be destroyed. |
| Peter Griffin | Our first demand, you will erect a statue in the town square. |
| Peter Griffin | It will depict Blair Warner admitting to Mrs. Garrett that the poem she submitted for her creative-writing class was actually plagiarized from a work by Emily Dickinson. |
| Peter Griffin | We have spoken! |
| Mayor West | That's it! We have to fight fire with fire. |
| Mayor West | If nuclear refuse gave them superpowers, it could do the same for me. |
| Mayor West | Citizens, I'm off to the toxic waste dump! |
| Dr. Hartman | Mayor West, you have lymphoma. |
| Mayor West | Oh, my! |
| Dr. Hartman | Probably from rolling around in that toxic waste. |
| Mayor West | I see. |
| Dr. Hartman | What in God's name were you trying to prove? |
| Mayor West | I was trying to gain superpowers. |
| Dr. Hartman | That's just silly. |
| Mayor West | Silly, yes. Idiotic, yes. |
| Peter Griffin | No, no! That's not what Mrs. Garrett's bosom looked like. |
| Peter Griffin | It looked more like this. |
| Peter Griffin | Notice the sun spots at the top of the right can. |
| Woman | Excuse me. I have a message from the Quahog hospital. |
| Peter Griffin | I just feel awful about this, Mayor West. |
| Lois Griffin | Yeah. Me, too. Stewie, fluff his pillows. |
| Chris Griffin | I'll heat up his soup. |
| Brian Griffin | And I'll go to China to see if there's a cure. Nope. |
| Mayor West | Now, now. The doctor says I'm gonna make a full recovery. |
| Mayor West | The important thing is, you learned your lesson. |
| Lois Griffin | I can't believe we let those superpowers go to our heads. |
| Stewie Griffin | I feel like such a bastard. |
| Peter Griffin | Me, too. |
| Peter Griffin | For now, we are gonna use our powers to help you get better. |
| Mayor West | Thank you. |
| Mayor West | But as long as I have Mrs. Garrett's giant rack by my bedside, I'll be all right. |
| Peter Griffin | Girls! Girls! Girls! |
| Peter Griffin | [Laughing] |
| Peter Griffin | Hear ye, hear ye. |
| Peter Griffin | I call to order the first meeting of the We Hate Broads Club. |
| Quagmire | Yeah! |
| Peter Griffin | Because all you need in life is your best pals. |
| Quagmire | Sure! As long as those pals ain't dames! |
| Cleveland | O-tay! |
| [Creaking] |
| Peter Griffin | What was that? |
| Hey, I thought we told you guys to quit snooping around here! |
| We need to find a story if I'm ever gonna be a big-time reporter, man. |
| All right. |
| Make like Siamese twins and split, and then one of you die. |
| When do we have the grape juice? I came for the grape juice. |
| Quagmire, watch this. |
| Hey, "kick me"! |
| [School bell ringing] |
| Boys and girls, we have a new student joining us this morning. |
| Her name is Lois Pewterschmidt. |
| Just what we need, another girl. |
| You said it! |
| Wow, I'd like to play doctor with her and remove her inflamed appendix before it bursts, causing sepsis. |
| [Jabbering suggestively] |
| Lois, what you reading? |
| The Red Badge of Courage. |
| I sure wish I could meet a brave fellow like the guy in this book. |
| I'm a brave guy, Lois. |
| Oh, yeah? |
| I bet you're not brave enough to laugh at Death! |
| Watch me. |
| DEATH: Thanks! Like I don't have enough trouble fitting in! |
| You're not brave enough to take all your clothes off! |
| Way ahead of you. |
| I bet you're too chicken to spend a night at the old Selberg place. |
| [Eerie instrumental music] |
| PETER: You mind stepping out of the way? |
| Sorry. |
| [Eerie instrumental music] |
| I ain't chicken to spend the night there! |
| I ain't neither! |
| And to prove it, I'm going up there tonight! |
| See you there, pal! |
| You can't stay in that house! Old Man Selberg's ghost still haunts it. |
| Not to mention the myriad of bacteria and allergens from years of substandard housekeeping. It does not augur well for you. |
| Zip it, egghead. |
| You with your big words and your small, difficult words. |
| Wow. Any boy who would spend the night in that creepy place sure would be the bravest fellow I ever met. |
| That Lois is some kind of woman. |
| Yeah. Just thinking about her makes my testicles want to drop. |
| Oops! Speak of the devil. Oops, make that devils. |
| [Dramatic instrumental music] |
| All right. Quagmire's team will take the left side of the house. |
| Peter's team will take the right. |
| And whoever's alive in the morning can bury his dead pals. |
| And whoever's alive in the morning can bury his dead pals. |
| Do I have a cobweb in my hair? |
| It feels like I have a cobweb in my hair. |
| [Wolf howling] |
| What was that? |
| It's just Michael Winslow from Police Academy. |
| [Growling] |
| [Monkey noise] |
| [Helicopter noise] |
| [Elephant noise] |
| [Baaing like a sheep] |
| [Submarine noise] |
| This house gives me the creeps. |
| Yeah. Let's get out of here. |
| Wait, wait, wait. We can't let those guys win. |
| What we ought to do is pretend we're ghosts. |
| We'll scare the other guys out of the house. |
| Then we can say that we spent the night. |
| Everyone will think we're the bravest kids in the world. |
| Especially Lois. |
| All right! |
| I got a great idea! |
| This'll really scare them. Everybody set? |
| Check! |
| Check! |
| Sock it to me! |
| MAYOR: If we had a teacup, this'd be like playing Find the Teacup in the Bed Sheet, like I do with my Aunt Sophia. |
| My God! Not only are ghosts real, but their innards are made of children. |
| Peter, it's us! |
| Say, that's a nice effect. |
| Yeah. That's really scary. |
| Wait a second. If you're there, and I'm here and Istanbul is somewhere in this general area then who the hell is that? |
| [Screaming] |
| Get used to this sight, Diane. Guys running away from you. |
| Tom, you're so deep in the closet, you're finding Christmas presents. |
| All right. Now, remember our story. |
| We tell Lois that we both stayed all night. I caught the ghost with my lasso. |
| And I punched him so hard, he ran crying all the way back to Hell! |
| She'll have to believe that. It hangs together so perfectly. |
| DIANE: Our top story today, cowardly kids lay down rubber at the old Selberg place. |
| Wait. Turn that up. |
| Peter Griffin and Glen Quagmire were seen bolting out of the supposedly haunted house after just one half-hour leaving only their pride and twin trails of urine behind them. |
| Cheese and crackers! Now Lois'll know everything! |
| Not if I can help it! |
| [Imitates phone ringing] |
| Newsroom. |
| Hello. This is Peter Griffin. |
| You'd better stop saying that stuff or we'll watch something else! |
| Today on The View, cooties, the silent killer. |
| Lois? There's something we got to tell you. |
| Yeah. We didn't stay in the haunted house. |
| We're not brave. |
| I've decided I don't care about bravery. |
| You don't? |
| No. I realized what I really like is smarts. |
| Sorry I'm late, darling. I was checking my stool for blood. |
| Mort Goldman! |
| He's so clever! Show them, Morty! |
| He got us again! |
| This whole thing just shows that women are nothing but trouble! |
| You said it! Let's you and me swear off them for good! |
| And how! |
| Quagmire, it seems to me we've each made another $500 million. |
| Good thing we swore off women to not be distracted and unable to accumulate this vast wealth. |
| Yes. You watch the ticker. |
| I'm gonna microwave a bagel and have sex with it. |
| Butter's in the fridge! |
| [Theme music] |