| Lois Griffin | [Singing] "It seems today that all you see |
| Lois Griffin | "is violence in movies and sex on TV |
| Peter Griffin | "but where are those good, old-fashioned values |
| Peter Griffin | "on which we used to rely? |
| All | "Lucky there's a family guy |
| All | "Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you |
| All | "all the things that make us |
| Stewie Griffin | "laugh 'n' cry |
| All | "He's a family guy" |
| Stewie Griffin | I say, Rupert, these crumpets you've prepared look positively divine! |
| Stewie Griffin | Excellent texture, provocative support. Try another, you say? |
| Stewie Griffin | Aren't I the wicked one? |
| Lois Griffin | Stewie, I've told you before, don't eat dirt. It's disgusting. |
| Stewie Griffin | And I suppose the bilious curds you force-fed me from your teat were perfectly fine then? |
| Lois Griffin | Glen, would you mind holding Stewie? |
| Quagmire | Said and done. |
| Quagmire | Hey there, spud with the mud. |
| Stewie Griffin | Good Lord! Do you bathe in Aqua Velva? |
| Cleveland | Hi. You've got our votes. |
| Lois Griffin | Thank you, Cleveland. |
| Lois Griffin | Someone has to run against that awful Betsy Lebeau. |
| Lois Griffin | She actually opposes background checks for new teachers! |
| Lois Griffin | God knows who she might hire. |
| Teacher | So the square of a hypotenuse, which we will label C making the sides opposite both of the acute angles A and B always equals the sum of the squares of the other sides. |
| Teacher | Any questions? |
| Lois Griffin | It's just something I have to do. |
| Lois Griffin | Even if winning means spending time out of the house and away from my family. |
| Stewie Griffin | Out of the house? Why, I'd be free from your oppressive gynocracy! |
| Stewie Griffin | You should be out giving speeches, shaking hands, kissing babies! |
| Stewie Griffin | Not this baby! |
| Peter Griffin | Lois, you seen my pants? |
| [Audience laughing] |
| Peter Griffin | Boy, I'll be glad when that studio audience moves out of the neighborhood. |
| Peter Griffin | Lois, what's with the sign? |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, we discussed this. I'm running for School Board. |
| Lois Griffin | You never listen to me. |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah, I remember. Hey, Cleveland. Hey, Quagmire. |
| Peter Griffin | Lois, what's with the sign? |
| Brian Griffin | You guys? Chris' principal just called. Chris is in trouble. |
| Peter Griffin | That's it! I'm calling the cops! |
| Principal | Mr. Griffin, I'm afraid I have bad news. |
| Principal | I caught your son peeking into the girls' locker room. |
| Lois Griffin | Oh, Chris! |
| Peter Griffin | So what's the big deal? It's normal for a boy his age to be curious. |
| Peter Griffin | I remember when I first noticed girls starting to develop. |
| Presenter | Welcome to eighth grade orientation, everyone. |
| Presenter | Locker assignments will be handed out in the library after lunch period. |
| Presenter | If you have any questions about your locker assignments or your class schedule, please come... |
| Lois Griffin | We'll continue this discussion tonight, young man. |
| Lois Griffin | A woman is not an object. |
| Peter Griffin | Your mother is right, son. Listen to what it says. |
| Lois Griffin | Peter! |
| Peter Griffin | I didn't say that. |
| Peter Griffin | Lee Majors did. |
| Lee Majors | What? Women are things. |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, my God! It's Mr. Fargas! |
| Peter Griffin | He was my favorite teacher! |
| Mr. Fargas | Take out your scalpels, kids. We're going to dissect a clown! |
| [Students gasping] |
| [Scalpel cutting tissue] |
| Mr. Fargas | No wonder this clown died. His lungs are filled with candy! |
| Lois Griffin | Why don't you go say hello? |
| Lois Griffin | I'm gonna drop off some campaign flyers in the teachers' lounge. |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, Mr. Fargas! It's me, Peter Griffin! |
| Mr. Fargas | Griffin. Sorry, not on the list. |
| Peter Griffin | Don't you remember me? I was your favorite student. |
| Peter Griffin | You taught me everything. Math, science. |
| Peter Griffin | You even taught me how to dance just in time for the prom. |
| Mr. Fargas | Peter, you start like this. |
| Peter Griffin | Like this? |
| Mr. Fargas | Yeah. Now add a little turn and do a buck and wing. |
| Peter Griffin | Come on, Mr. Fargas, do the whole darn thing. |
| Peter Griffin | Jeez, Mr. Fargas, what happened to you? Somebody give you a fun-ectomy? |
| Mr. Fargas | No, they gave me these by order of the School Board. |
| Mr. Fargas | They said it evens me out. |
| Mr. Fargas | Sorry to fly off the handle. |
| Peter Griffin | Here, let me see that. |
| Peter Griffin | That's what I think about you taking chill pills from the Man. |
| Peter Griffin | Look, the old Farg made learning fun. He's what these kids need. |
| Peter Griffin | Now get back in that classroom and teach your "Fargin"' ass off. |
| [Rhythmic thumping noises] |
| Chris Griffin | Don't come in! Just a minute! |
| Peter Griffin | Chris, your mother wants me and you to have a talk. |
| Chris Griffin | No! |
| Chris Griffin | I was going for a new record. |
| Peter Griffin | Now, son, as men, it's only natural for us to look at naked girls. |
| Peter Griffin | Every man does it, even Mr. Rogers. |
| Mr. Rogers | Hello, neighbor. |
| Mr. Rogers | [Groaning] |
| Peter Griffin | But peeping can be dangerous, so I brought you this. |
| Chris Griffin | Wow! Miss December! |
| Peter Griffin | Yep, the old skin bin. |
| Peter Griffin | Now you can look at naked girls all you want and it's perfectly legal! |
| Chris Griffin | Wow, check out the rack on... Mom? |
| Peter Griffin | Give me that! |
| Peter Griffin | Just a little present your mom gave me for our anniversary. |
| Chris Griffin | All right, Dad! |
| Chris Griffin | Hey, Dad. Thanks. |
| [Rhythmic thumping noises resume] |
| Meg Griffin | Mom, if you get elected can you fix it so I win Homecoming Queen? |
| Lois Griffin | Honey, of course I can. |
| Lois Griffin | But winning without honor isn't really winning at all. |
| Lois Griffin | Isn't that right, Milli? |
| Milli | No, it's just as good. |
| Milli | "Ba-ba-ba-ba…ba-ba-ba-ba-Baby" |
| Milli | What's the use? You're right. |
| Stewie Griffin | Cease this prattling! |
| Stewie Griffin | This campaign literature must be posted today to get you into office and out of my life, you festering strumpet! |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, you guys. Lois, you running for School Board? |
| Meg Griffin | Look, Chris' school is on TV. |
| Tom Tucker | The egg drop, an annual tradition for junior-high-school science students. |
| Tom Tucker | Today at Buddy Cianci Junior High, an egg drop conducted by teacher Randall Fargas seems to have gone horribly wrong. |
| Tom Tucker | We now go live to Action News 5 Asian reporter, Trisha Takanawa. |
| Trishia Takanawa | Tom, the eggs being dropped behind me are not chicken eggs but those of the endangered California condor. |
| Peter Griffin | Welcome back, Fargas. |
| Lois Griffin | Oh, my God. He's gonna wipe that species off the face of the earth! |
| Peter Griffin | No, Lois. The janitor'll do that. |
| Diane Simmons | I'm getting word that the Quahog School Board has just dismissed Randall Fargas, ending his 32-year teaching career. |
| Peter Griffin | What? They can't do that! |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, the man is obviously unbalanced. |
| Diane Simmons | In other news, Betsy Lebeau, School Board President candidate announced today she's pulling out of the race. |
| Diane Simmons | Lebeau's withdrawal leaves housewife, Lois Griffin, running unopposed. |
| Lois Griffin | My goodness! I win by default! |
| Peter Griffin | Great. You can get Mr. Fargas his job back. |
| Lois Griffin | I'm sorry! But I do have a mind of my own! |
| Lois Griffin | And I happen to agree with the School Board's decision. |
| Peter Griffin | I know you're a feminist and I think that's adorable but this is grown-up time and I'm the man. |
| Lois Griffin | I'm not giving that lunatic his job back and that's final. |
| Peter Griffin | Lois, I can't let you deprive our children of a fine teacher like Mr. Fargas. |
| Peter Griffin | I'm gonna stop you the only way I can by killing you in the race for School Board President! |
| Brian Griffin | Peter, are you sure running against Lois is such a good idea? |
| Brian Griffin | You know how competitive you get. |
| Peter Griffin | I can be just as non-competitive as anybody. |
| Peter Griffin | Matter of fact, I'm the most non-competitive. So I win. |
| Brian Griffin | Come on, you can't even handle losing at checkers. |
| Brian Griffin | King me. |
| Peter Griffin | Look over there! |
| Brian Griffin | What? |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, since when do you care about the School Board? |
| Peter Griffin | Lois, Mr. Fargas is getting a bum rap and if running against you is the only way to get him back then I am gonna run like the Six Million Dollar Man. |
| Government Agent | We can rebuild him. |
| Government Agent | We have the technology, but I don't want to spend a lot of money. |
| [Adventurous instrumental music] |
| Lois Griffin | Fine, if you feel that strongly, then by all means run. |
| Lois Griffin | But I'm warning you, I'm not gonna pull any punches on the issues. |
| Peter Griffin | I'm Lois. |
| Peter Griffin | Look at me with my big ideas and my pointy nose. |
| Peter Griffin | [Childish babbling] |
| Lois Griffin | This'll be even easier than running unopposed. |
| Peter Griffin | Is that so? |
| Peter Griffin | Not only am I gonna win this election I am gonna eat your nose. |
| Lois Griffin | [Amused sigh] |
| Lois Griffin | See you on the campaign trail. |
| [Military instrumental music] |
| [Patriotic instrumental music] |
| Stewie Griffin | Oh, my. Look where my hand is. |
| Stewie Griffin | I say, look where my hand is! |
| Stewie Griffin | It's in a very naughty place. |
| Stewie Griffin | Does that not disgust you? |
| Brian Griffin | You're talking to a guy who uses his tongue for toilet paper. |
| Stewie Griffin | Now look here, you loathsome cur! |
| Stewie Griffin | The matron of prattle has left me in your ward. |
| Stewie Griffin | You should be striving to thwart my noisome misdeeds. |
| Stewie Griffin | Look at me. I'm writing profanity on the wall! |
| Brian Griffin | Water-soluble. |
| Stewie Griffin | Don't just sit there! I have misbehaved! I've been a bawdy little monkey! |
| Stewie Griffin | If that vile woman were here, she'd prove a worthy adversary. |
| Brian Griffin | What's the matter? Miss your mommy? |
| Stewie Griffin | Yes, that's it. That's quite good. Yes, I miss my mommy. |
| Stewie Griffin | I also miss colic and rectal thermometry. |
| Brian Griffin | Whatever you say, Mama's boy. |
| Stewie Griffin | Blast! |
| Boy | Hey, Chris! Hector found two rocks outside that look like boobs! You in? |
| Chris Griffin | Who needs rocks when you got these? |
| Boy 1 | Check it out! |
| Boy 2 | Wow! |
| Peter Griffin | Vote for Peter Griffin! |
| Quagmire | Look at all of Lois' signs! |
| Quagmire | Talk about seeing red. |
| Cleveland | Peter, I'm concerned that your candidacy may have become a lost cause. |
| Cleveland | The debate is tonight and you don't seem to have any supporters. |
| Peter Griffin | Don't sweat it, the Griffin men have always been winners dating back to my diminutive great-grandfather, Juarez Griffin. |
| [Raucous cheering] |
| Peter Griffin | Fellas, the debate's in the bag, all right? |
| Peter Griffin | If there's one thing I can do, it's play to a crowd. |
| Tom Tucker | Lois Griffin, daughter of shipping industrialist, Carter Pewterschmidt and passive-aggressivist, Barbara Pewterschmidt. |
| Tom Tucker | Tonight she takes on her greatest challenge, Peter Griffin Quahog's native son, self-described Huguenot, don't know what that means and community activist. |
| Chris Griffin | Go, Dad. |
| Meg Griffin | He can't hear you. |
| Chris Griffin | Go, Dad! |
| Tom Tucker | So fasten your seat belts. We're just minutes away from Lois versus Peter, Griffin versus Griffin on Monday Night Debate, y'all! |
| Brian Griffin | "Of suns and worlds I nothing had to say I see mankind's self-torturing pains" |
| Stewie Griffin | No! You're doing it wrong! |
| Stewie Griffin | When you read Faust you're supposed to do Mephistopheles in a scary voice like this! |
| Brian Griffin | Is that the way Mommy reads it? |
| Stewie Griffin | I do not miss that ogress. |
| Stewie Griffin | She can burn in hell for all I care! |
| Brian Griffin | Sure she can. |
| Stewie Griffin | Damn! |
| Stewie Griffin | [Singing] "I've grown accustomed to her face |
| Stewie Griffin | "She almost makes the day begin |
| Stewie Griffin | "I've grown accustomed to the tune that she whistles night and noon |
| Stewie Griffin | "Her smiles, her frowns, her ups, her downs |
| Stewie Griffin | "are second nature to me now |
| Stewie Griffin | "Like breathing out and breathing in |
| Stewie Griffin | "I'm very grateful she's a woman |
| Stewie Griffin | "and so easy to forget, rather like a habit one can always break |
| Stewie Griffin | "And yet, I've grown accustomed to her looks |
| Stewie Griffin | "Accustomed to her voice |
| Stewie Griffin | "Accustomed to her |
| Stewie Griffin | "face" |
| [Audience sighing sympathetically] |
| Stewie Griffin | Damn you all! |
| Tom Tucker | Mr. Griffin, your opening statement, please. |
| Peter Griffin | Okay, I'm Peter Griffin. Vote for me. |
| Tom Tucker | Is that it? |
| Peter Griffin | No, this is it. |
| Peter Griffin | This is life, the one you get, so go and have a ball because the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. |
| Peter Griffin | What might be right for you, may not be right for some. |
| Peter Griffin | You take the good, you take the bad you take them both, and there you have my opening statement. |
| Peter Griffin | Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog. |
| Tom Tucker | Okay. Mrs. Griffin? |
| Lois Griffin | As a piano teacher, I know how difficult the education process can be. |
| Lois Griffin | That's why, if I'm elected, I promise to fight for competent teachers a better-funded music department and updated textbooks that don't refer to the Civil Rights Movement as "trouble ahead." |
| [Cheering] |
| Tom Tucker | Mr. Griffin, your response? |
| Tom Tucker | Maybe something about education? |
| Peter Griffin | I have always cared deeply about young people. |
| Peter Griffin | As a rich college-bound student, I once joined some underprivileged youths in saving a community center from being converted into a shopping mall. |
| [Cheering] |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, that wasn't you. |
| Lois Griffin | That was Adolpho Shabba-Doo in Breakin' Il: Electric Boogaloo. |
| Lois Griffin | You watched it last night. |
| [Booing] |
| Peter Griffin | So you're calling me a liar? |
| Peter Griffin | I'm gonna take the highroad and stick to the issues. |
| Peter Griffin | The children of Quahog are our greatest treasure. |
| Peter Griffin | They deserve a school board president who doesn't leave their feminine ointments in the fridge next to the mustard! That was the worst hot dog I ever ate! |
| Peter Griffin | Yeah, she flosses in bed, she snores like a wildebeest... |
| Tom Tucker | Thank you, Mr. Griffin. We now move on… |
| Peter Griffin | Wait a second, blow dryer, I'm not done yet. |
| Peter Griffin | She freed Willie Horton, nailed Donna Rice... |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, that's enough! |
| Peter Griffin | Eats babies. |
| CROWD: [Chanting] Peter, Peter. |
| Lois Griffin | Just a minute. Listen to me, please! |
| Lois Griffin | This election is about our children's future. |
| Lois Griffin | So ask yourself what kind of future will it be if you elect a man who has never taught a student or even been to a PTA meeting. |
| Lois Griffin | This is a man who believes the plural of "goose" is "sheep"! |
| [Audience muttering] |
| Lois Griffin | I'm the right person for the job. Vote for me. |
| Crowd | Lois! |
| Peter Griffin | Wait, I'm not done. |
| Peter Griffin | Peter! Come on! Stop. Shut up! You guys shut up! |
| Lois Griffin | I didn't enjoy humiliating Peter, but what choice did I have? |
| Brian Griffin | That's okay, Lois. I enjoyed it. |
| Lois Griffin | As soon as the polls close, we can put all this ugliness behind us. |
| Peter Griffin | Lois Griffin is a slut. |
| Lois Griffin | What? |
| Peter Griffin | Hi, I'm Peter Griffin. |
| Peter Griffin | I grew up in this town. |
| Peter Griffin | Quahog needs a moral, upstanding school board president. |
| Peter Griffin | Someone we can trust. |
| Peter Griffin | A lot of nasty things have been said during this campaign. |
| Peter Griffin | But pictures are better than words because some words are big and hard to understand. |
| Peter Griffin | But here's something everyone can understand! |
| Peter Griffin | Do you really want your children's future in the hands of this? |
| Peter Griffin | I know I don't. |
| Cleveland | Paid for by the Peter Griffin for School Board President Committee. |
| Cleveland | Sorry, Lois. |
| Tom Tucker | "Lewd," "obscene," and "a little blurry" just some of the words used to describe Lois Griffin's prurient pic. |
| Tom Tucker | Good morning. I'm Tom Tucker. |
| Diane Simmons | And I'm Diane Simmons. |
| Diane Simmons | Yesterday, voters overwhelmingly declared that Lois Griffin is not the kind of person they want running their schools. |
| Diane Simmons | Her husband, Peter Griffin, was elected by a landslide. |
| Peter Griffin | What a great day! I just want to say... |
| Peter Griffin | I am so freaking wasted! |
| [AII gasping] |
| Stewie Griffin | [Thinking] Splendid. How delightful to have mother back. |
| Brian Griffin | I heard that. |
| Stewie Griffin | Damn! |
| Chris Griffin | Don't feel bad, Mom. All my friends think you're hot! |
| Chris Griffin | They can't believe I came out of you! |
| Peter Griffin | Lois, I got a joke for you. How many losers does it take to make me breakfast? |
| Peter Griffin | Just one! You! |
| Peter Griffin | I'm just kidding. French toast, please. |
| Lois Griffin | Don't even talk to me, Peter. You humiliated your own wife! |
| Lois Griffin | And for what? To get that crazy Mr. Fargas back in the classroom? |
| Peter Griffin | Who? |
| Lois Griffin | Peter, I cared about our schools. |
| Lois Griffin | All you cared about was some stupid competition. |
| Lois Griffin | Winning was only half the battle. |
| Lois Griffin | If you blow this chance to do something good for our kids you'll be the biggest loser! |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, yeah? |
| Peter Griffin | Peter Griffin is no loser! When I'm through with our schools our students'll be so smart they'll be able to program their VCRs without spilling piping hot gravy all over myself. |
| Trishia Takanawa | This is Trisha Takanawa, here with School Board President Peter Griffin. |
| Trishia Takanawa | Mr. President, you've accomplished so much in just a few short weeks. |
| Peter Griffin | Thanks, Connie. I'm very excited about our progress in revamping our schools. |
| Peter Griffin | For starters, we're making sex education more fun. |
| Man | "Vagina junction, what's your function? |
| Man | "Taking in sperm and spitting out babies" |
| Peter Griffin | And our schools are the safest around... |
| Peter Griffin | Thanks to the hall monitor XL-K. |
| Monitor | Halt! Present hall pass! |
| Student | Right here. |
| Monitor | Second request. Present pass. |
| Student | But... Right here! |
| Monitor | Security breach! |
| Peter Griffin | I guess Little Miss Free Spirit will think twice before roaming the halls. |
| Peter Griffin | I've restocked our school library with books of some of our greatest movies and TV shows. |
| Peter Griffin | Because if we don't teach our kids to read, how will they ever know what's on? |
| Trishia Takanawa | Mr. Griffin, this is impressive. |
| Trishia Takanawa | I've never seen kids so enthusiastic about reading. |
| Peter Griffin | Thank you. That's what you voted for. |
| Peter Griffin | Hey, son, show the folks at home what you got there. |
| Peter Griffin | Good Lord! That's a dirty magazine! |
| Peter Griffin | That's mine... Shaft. |
| Peter Griffin | There might be a mineshaft under this library. |
| Trishia Takanawa | All these kids are looking at pornography! |
| Trishia Takanawa | TRISHA: What kind of pervert gave you kids this filth? |
| Boy | Chris Griffin. He got it from his dad. |
| Cleveland | CLEVELAND: There's quite a crowd outside. |
| Cleveland | I haven't witnessed pandemonium like this since Ridiculous Day down at the deli when prices were so low they were ridiculous. |
| Quagmire | You said it, pally. That's why I brought in the big guns. |
| Quagmire | Say "how do" to the Ragin' Cajun, Mr. James Carville. |
| Peter Griffin | Oh, God. Oh, jeez! |
| Peter Griffin | Did somebody open the Ark of the Covenant? |
| James Carville | Now see, Peter, what you gotta do is you gotta declare war! War! |
| James Carville | Your only chance of surviving this scandal is to claim that Lois gave your boy the pornography. |
| Quagmire | And he's right. Pin it on the old ball and chain. |
| Peter Griffin | I can't do that. Lois is mad enough at me without... |
| Peter Griffin | I'm sorry. I can't look at you! |
| Peter Griffin | I mean, I can handle ugly. But this is like circus ugly. |
| Peter Griffin | Lois, I need your help. You gotta come to my press conference this afternoon. |
| Peter Griffin | Lois, I could lose my presidency! |
| Lois Griffin | Too bad! I've already lost more than that! |
| Peter Griffin | Not my rainbow socks with the individual toes? |
| Lois Griffin | No. I've lost my respect for you. |
| Peter Griffin | Because I need those socks. |
| Tom Tucker | We now take you live to Peter Griffin Junior High where embattled School Board President Peter Griffin is fighting for his political life. |
| Crowd | Throw the bum out! |
| Chris Griffin | Mom, what are you doing here? I thought you were mad at Dad. |
| Lois Griffin | I am. I just came to see him twist in the wind. |
| Chris Griffin | Are you and Dad gonna get a divorce? |
| Lois Griffin | Oh, honey. Maybe. |
| Peter Griffin | PETER: "A parent giving porno to their kid is a terrible thing... |
| Peter Griffin | "...but I'm here to tell you that I'm innocent! " |
| Crowd | Oh, yeah. Right. |
| Peter Griffin | "I didn't give those magazines to my son. |
| Peter Griffin | "My wife, Lois..." |
| Peter Griffin | Lois! |
| Peter Griffin | Crap. Look, my wife, Lois, is the most important person in the world to me. |
| Peter Griffin | I gave my son those magazines. |
| Peter Griffin | Even worse, I turned a beautiful gift from Lois into something cheap and tawdry. |
| Peter Griffin | I just wanted to win so bad. |
| Peter Griffin | Now I know that some things are more important than winning. |
| Peter Griffin | Lois, I only hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. |
| Lois Griffin | Oh, Peter! |
| Tom Tucker | So you're saying you're not only a bad father, but a bad husband, too? |
| Tom Tucker | Have you the moral authority to lead? |
| Peter Griffin | Yes. No. And, screw it. I resign. |
| Diane Simmons | There's the President, First Lady Lois. |
| Tom Tucker | Now boarding the helicopter. |
| Tom Tucker | And so ends a dark and shameful chapter in the history of Quahog, Rhode Island. |
| Tom Tucker | One which leaves this reporter asking: |
| Tom Tucker | How much moral bankruptcy and perversion must we, the people, endure? |
| Tom Tucker | Next up, stay tuned for our special investigative report on "The Clitoris: Nature's Rubik's Cube." |
| [Theme music] |
| Student | Welcome back, Fargas. |
| Mr. Fargas | Thank you. |
| Chris Griffin | Welcome back, Farg. |
| Mr. Fargas | Much obliged. |
| Monitor | Halt. Present hall pass. |
| Mr. Fargas | Excuse me? |
| Monitor | Second request. Present hall pass. |
| Monitor | [Lasers firing] |